Chapter Eight
“How are you and Sam getting along?” Ry asked HW as they worked alongside each other in the barn, mucking out stalls and trying not to step on the free-range chickens. It was just past six in the morning, the sky was as blue as their father’s eyes, and breakfast was waiting for them in the kitchen when they finished.
“She’s certainly a quick learner,” HW said diplomatically. “Not sure if there’s much more I can teach her.”
“Yeah?” Ry shoved a shoulder against Nolly, who was trying to escape his stall, and shut the door on him. “January said she could ride before the accident, so this was more like a refresher course.”
“It was a bit more than that. Her whole center of balance has changed, so she had to relearn everything. She’s also struggling with being out in the open and gets stressed. Not that she’ll admit it.” HW opened the door to the feed room and hung up his bucket. “But she’s got the basics. She tires quickly, so I’d like to keep an eye on her for another week, if that works for everyone.”
“It’s not my decision. Talk to Chase and January. I’m fairly sure they’ll agree with you. When we have differently abled guests at the ranch we could do with someone working with them full time.”
“If that’s what they want. Some people don’t like being mollycoddled, apparently.”
Ry grinned. “Did Sam actually say that to you?”
“She sure did.” HW walked out of the barn into the sunlight and checked the blackboard, where January posted the daily schedule. He was due to help out with moving some of the cattle. He’d see if Sam was up for it.
“She was right to tell me to butt out.”
“I heard she does that a lot.”
HW groaned. “You’ve been talking to BB, haven’t you?”
“He did mention that you and Sam were having some kind of disagreement yesterday. You usually charm the pants off everyone you meet. What’s going on, bro?”
HW strolled over to the gate, propped one heel on the lower bar, leaned on the top one, and looked out over toward the creek. Ry did the same, mimicking his posture.
“She was mad at me for asking about her experiences in Afghanistan.”
“You just flat out asked her? It’s not like you to be so unsubtle.”
“No! She made some comment about Morgansville feeling oppressive, like a war zone, and then got mad at me when I asked her to elaborate.” It was HW’s turn to pause. “She said I never shared anything personal with her, so why should she bother to share with me? So I told her something personal and then she—” He checked himself. “And then I got mad, and that was that.”
“Sam made you mad?”
“Apparently.”
“That’s great.”
HW turned to stare at his twin, who was smiling. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re so used to charming your way out of anything. It’s good for you to get a reality check.”
“It doesn’t feel good.” HW rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Half the time I want to kill her, and the other . . .”
Ry made a kissy noise and, grinning like a loon, stepped back as HW came at him. “Dude, you like her.”
“Of course I like her. She’s one of the bravest people I’ve ever met.”
Ry raised an eyebrow. “We’re identical twins. I know what you feel.”
“How can you when I don’t even know myself ?” HW lunged at his twin.
“Trust me on this.”
“Like you think I know how you feel about Avery?”
“I hope you don’t get all the X-rated stuff, but I bet you know exactly how happy she makes me.”
HW scowled at his twin. “You’re a perv.”
“Just telling it how I see it. What’s wrong with you liking Sam anyway?”
“Because she’s . . .” HW stopped in midthought. What was wrong with liking Sam? She didn’t want a relationship with him, she just wanted sex, and sure, that had hurt his feelings when she’d said it, but maybe she was right. Maybe having sex would help him get over her—get it out of his system so he could move on.
“HW?” Ry snapped his fingers under his twin’s nose. “You in there?”
“Just thinking.”
Ry groaned. “Whenever you say that, I always end up in trouble.”
“You didn’t have to do much to get into trouble, we both know that.” HW blew out a breath. “I was telling Sam about how Mom used to leave you to look after the baby and take me out with her.”
Ry stopped smiling and went still, his gaze glued to HW’s.
“I’d forgotten about that.”
“She’d take me up to Morgansville and leave me in the truck while she . . .”
“While she what, HW?”
HW didn’t need to turn around to recognize his father’s quiet voice, but he kept talking.
“While she met up with Big Mike.”
He briefly closed his eyes against the pain in Ry’s gaze, knowing it would be reflected tenfold if he looked at Billy.
“I didn’t know that at the time, obviously, but when Ry let me know Mom and Rachel might still be alive, I started thinking back and wondering.”
He forced himself to swing around to where his father stood and braced himself for Billy’s reaction.
“She met him up there?” Billy asked and then nodded, as if answering his own question. “Makes sense, I suppose.”
“Is that all you have to say?” HW demanded.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Don’t you think I might have mentioned it to you at the time?”
“You loved your mother, HW. There’s no shame in that.”
“Meaning I’d lie for her?”
Billy frowned. “Is that what she made you do?”
HW tried to sound relaxed, even as he planned to lie. “I’m not saying she forced me to do anything, okay? I’m just telling you what I remembered.”
“And I’m telling you that she shouldn’t have taken you up there with her.” Billy wasn’t smiling now.
“Hey, it was easy for me; I just got to hide in the truck while poor old Ry had to look after the baby.” HW turned to his twin, who wasn’t looking too happy. “It was always worse for Ry.”
“I’m not sure about that,” Billy said slowly. “Let’s put the blame fair and square where it belongs.”
“On Mom? Yeah, why not? Let’s all blame Mom, because hey, she’s dead now and can’t defend herself.”
“HW . . .” Ry put a hand on his twin’s sleeve. “That’s not what Dad’s trying to say.”
“Yes, it is.” HW finally met Billy’s blue gaze, but his dad didn’t look away.
“Ry, can you leave me and HW to talk this through?” Billy asked.
“Sure.” Ry still didn’t move away. “If HW’s okay with it.”
“I’m good.” Actually, the last thing in the world HW wanted to do was talk to his father, but he was tired of avoiding the subject, so maybe it was time to face it head-on. Maybe if he managed this part of it, the questions would end.
Ry nodded and walked back up to the house, leaving HW alone with Billy. HW leaned back against the fence and crossed his arms.
“So, what do you want to say?”
Billy came to stand beside him, his usual smile absent.
“I didn’t know your mom took you with her when she was meeting Big Mike. Hell, I didn’t know she was meeting anyone at all.”
“So you wish I’d told you at the time.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were a kid. Ry didn’t mention being left alone with Rachel either.”
“He was too scared, you know that. Mom hated him and she would’ve taken it out on him if he’d said a single word.”
“And you weren’t scared, too?”
HW looked down at the dust on his boots. “Me? I was her favorite child. She never got mad at me; she just told me she’d be disappointed if I let her down—that she just needed time to be by herself, and that if you asked where she’d been, she’d tell you she’d been doing stuff with me.”
“So she used you as her alibi.”
“It never came down to that, but I would’ve lied for her.” HW met his father’s gaze. “So that makes me as guilty as she was, right?”
“No.” Billy’s expression was so full of sympathy that HW want to hit something real hard. “You were a little kid trying to do his best for the mother he loved.”
“Dad, I would’ve lied for her.”
“What do you want me to say, HW? Do you want me to get in your face and say you’re right? That everything is your fault? Because I’m not going to do that. Any problems that arose in our marriage were me and Annie’s fault, not yours nor Ry’s.” Billy looked back toward the ranch house. “Annie hated it here. I didn’t understand that, couldn’t understand why she felt like that about the place I loved. I was working so hard, I left her to bring up all you kids, and after Rachel was born something went very wrong. I couldn’t fix it, didn’t even know how to start fixing it. So if there’s blame to be handed out, I’m the one who collects on that, not you boys.”
HW just nodded. It was the best he could manage right now.
“And then, just to make things even peachier, I lost myself in a bottle and walked out on you as well.” Billy shook his head. “It’s okay to be angry with me, HW. I deserve it. I was an adult who gave up on everything I loved because it was easier than facing my guilt.”
“I can’t be angry with you,” HW said. “I can see how much you suffered and how hard you’ve worked to reclaim your life and your family. I . . . admire you for that; I really do.”
Billy winced. “I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve any of you, but I’m so thankful in my heart to be home again. If I could go back and do things differently with your mom? I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t. All I can do is try to forgive myself, and hope that after she left she found happiness.”
Words swelled up HW’s throat, but he tamped them down, knew that if he started speaking he might never stop. Instead, he took a deep breath and forced himself to meet his father’s worried gaze.
“Okay. I won’t assume that everyone blames Mom for everything and I’ll apologize to Ry for getting in his face.”
“Good boy.”
HW winced. “Don’t call me that.”
His mother’s voice echoed in his head. “Be a good boy and stay in the truck, be a good boy and don’t ever tell your daddy what you saw . . .”
“You’re right.” Billy patted him on the back. “You’re a man now, and a rodeo champion. You’re the star of the family.”
“Hardly.” HW found a smile somehow and offered it to Billy. “I’d better get on. I’m starving. Are you coming out to help with the cattle this morning?”
“Yup. I’m just heading down to Roy’s to get my orders.” Billy winked and started toward the barn.
“Dad?”
“Yeah, son?” Billy turned back.
“Legally, this is your ranch, isn’t it?”
“True. So what?”
“But you let Ruth and Chase make all the decisions.”
Billy shrugged. “I let my mother and my family make the decisions. Ruth kept this place going when I was a drunk and knows it better than I ever will. Why would I take back control from her?”
“A lot of men would.”
“Do you think that makes me weak?” Billy’s blue eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled.
“No!” HW contemplated slapping a hand over his own mouth. He was beginning to sound as insensitive as BB. “Not at all. I just wondered . . .”
“Whether I resented that? I can tell you, hand on my heart, that I don’t resent a thing. Without my family hanging on here, the ranch would have been sold off years ago. I’m just grateful to be here, to be a part of it again.”
With a nod, Billy carried on into the barn and HW turned to walk up to the house. His dad was a mass of contradictions, but he’d turned his life around and seemed to have gained an appreciation for the positives in his life that HW wished he could emulate. Sure, HW was great at convincing everyone that everything in his life was perfect, but sometimes he wondered . . .
Sam didn’t think he was perfect, but he still resisted her attempts to get under his shields or poke at his soft underbelly. If you weren’t perfect or amiable, how far could you really get in life? He’d made a career out of being charming and it hadn’t hurt him one bit.
Except that maybe it had.
HW grabbed hold of the screen door and entered the house, blinking at the sudden change in the light. Was it his need to make everyone happy and to be liked that stopped him from becoming a champion? Did he lack that ruthless streak? His agent, Paul, insisted that was the case.
“Hey.” Ry was already sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs as fast as he could shovel it in his mouth. “You okay?”
“I’m good.” Mindful of his promise to his father, he continued speaking. “Sorry I shouted at you earlier.”
“I’d hardly call that shouting. Have you heard BB when he’s mad?”
HW went to the stove and helped himself to breakfast. “I was still out of line.”
“Hey, I’m used to it.”
HW frowned as he took his usual seat opposite his brother. “I’ve never been easy to live with, have I?”
“Jeez, HW, don’t start all that again.” Ry gulped down some coffee. “We’ve both said some harsh things in the past, but we’ve moved on, right?”
“Do you think I’m too nice to win the saddle bronc championship?”
Ry put down his mug and blinked. “Come again?”
“Do you think I lack the killer instinct to be a champion?”
“Where the hell did that come from? Weren’t we just talking about Dad and the ranch?”
“But it’s all the same thing, isn’t it?” HW said.
Ry’s brow furrowed. “You’ve lost me.”
“Look, I’m charming, good-looking, and great at the promotional shit associated with the rodeo circuit.”
“True.”
“But maybe I’m too charming. Maybe I don’t have that thing that sets a champion apart. Maybe I expect everyone to like me and let me win.”
“Bullshit,” Ry said succinctly. “You have more focus and drive than almost anyone I’ve ever met. I’ve seen you compete, HW, and let’s be honest here, we’re identical, so physically we have the same talents, but you were always better than me because you have that extra thing, that mental toughness a true champion has.”
“I’m not sure I have it anymore. I’m scared.” HW let out his breath. “I’m scared of getting injured or ending up last in the ratings, of losing, of winning and not being able to keep doing it. And you know yourself, Ry, that if you get on the back of that bronc with your mind out of focus? You’re screwed from the get-go.”
Ry paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. “So what are you going to do?”
“I’m not going back next year.”
Ry slowly closed his mouth. “But you were so close to winning! Why the hell stop now?”
“I just can’t find that desire to fight against all the new guys again—to go on the road—to be alone, struggling to conceal injuries—to always be on for the cameras.”
“Have you told anyone this yet?”
“Yeah; Rio knows, and Paul.”
“Paul, your agent? Crap.” Ry ran a finger across his throat. “I bet he’s not happy.”
“He’s fricking furious. I’m going to Texas next month to hash things out with him.”
“Good luck,” Ry regarded him steadily. “Are you really okay with this decision?”
“Yeah. I’m done.”
“Then you’ll make it work.” Ry clinked his coffee mug against HW’s. “Do you want me to come to Texas with you? I’d like to see that snake’s face when you fire him.”
“I’ll think about it. Thanks for the support.”
Ry grinned at him. “You’re my twin. We have our moments, but for the most part we stick together, right?”
“Keep it to yourself for now, will you?”
Ry solemnly drew a cross over his heart. “Sure.”
HW sipped his coffee and contemplated his plate of eggs. Talking to his dad had stirred up more than a few memories and his stomach was still catching up. He forced down a piece of toast and another mug of coffee and slid the eggs onto Ry’s plate. Luckily, Ruth wasn’t there to notice or there would’ve been hell to pay.
HW stood up. “I’ve got to go check in on Sam to see if she wants to come on the cattle drive this morning.”
“Okay. I’ll tell Roy we might have two more. The rest of the guests are coming, but we can always do with an extra pair of hands.” Ry nodded. “We’re meeting down at his place in about an hour. Text me if you aren’t coming.”
“Will do.”
HW cleared his plate and put it in the dishwasher, refilled his flask with coffee, and headed out the door. He was already banging on Sam’s cabin door before it occurred to him that she might still be asleep.
“What?”
She flung open the door and HW took an involuntary step back. She held her toothbrush in one hand, literally foaming at the mouth, and wearing a pair of green pajama bottoms with cupcakes on them. His gaze lingered on the swell of her breasts revealed by the V of her clingy top and then moved downward to where one of her feet was bare and the other was . . . metal.
“Have you finished gawking?”
His gaze shot right back to her face, where she was furiously wiping away the toothpaste.
“Not quite.” He cleared his throat. “You got a bra on under there?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no, I don’t.”
“Thought so.”
“Anything else you’d like to comment on before I slam the door in your face?”
HW smiled into her eyes. “Lots, but I don’t want you taking me out. Cute pants, though.”
She smoothed a hand over them and then attempted to stick some of her disheveled hair behind her ear. “I was just about to jump in the shower.”
It was kind of amusing to see her a little disconcerted.
“Don’t let me stop you.”
She sighed loudly. “What do you want, HW?”
“Roy’s moving some cattle into a new field. Thought you might like to come along and help out.”
“That’s all?”
He angled his head to one side. “What else could I possibly want at this hour of the morning?”
Jeez, the longer he stared at the soft skin revealed by her thin camisole, the tighter his jeans were getting.
She folded her arms across her chest, making her breasts pop up even more, and HW broke out in a cold sweat. When was the last time he’d been so affected by a woman? Had he ever allowed himself to feel like this about anyone?
“I thought we were fighting.”
Sam’s words brought him back from his fevered dreams of simply picking her up, throwing her over his shoulder, and taking her to bed.
“Huh?”
“We. Were. Fighting.”
“No, we weren’t. We were just expressing opposing views, and then you asked me if I’d have sex with you.”
A blush rose on her cheeks. “And I told you to forget what I said.”
He leaned in and propped one shoulder against the doorframe. “The thing is, I couldn’t do that. You got me thinking.”
She licked her lips and he inhaled the scent of warm, sleepy skin and minty breath.
“Mmm . . .”
She swatted at his face. “Stop it.”
“You smell good.”
“Didn’t you hear the bit when I said I was just about to get in the shower?”
He leaned in even closer and dropped a soft kiss on her collarbone. “Then go.”
Sam’s breath shuddered out as he repeated the tiny caress and her nipples hardened against the cotton of her camisole. She tried to gather her rapidly disappearing senses.
“What are you doing, HW?”
“Trying to tempt you to kiss me again?”
“Why would I do that? You said you didn’t want to have sex with me, remember?”
His tongue curled around the lobe of her ear and she almost lost it completely.
“Can’t a man change his mind?”
She pressed one hand against the hard muscles of his chest and looked up at him. “What’s going on, HW?”
“I thought it was obvious. I want to kiss you.”
“And have sex with me?”
His smile was so full of sensual promise, she was surprised she didn’t spontaneously orgasm.
“How about we start with a proper kiss and see how it goes?”
“All right, let’s—”
Whatever else she had been going to say was cut off as he took her mouth in a kiss that, despite the toothpaste, was so scaldingly hot and deep that she couldn’t form a coherent reaction but only breathe and experience the wonder of it.
With a groan, he stepped inside the door, slammed it shut behind them, and turned her back to the wall, all without breaking the most fantastic kiss in the world. She grabbed hold of his shoulders and just held on as he took what he wanted and gave her back so much more.
“Sam . . .” He breathed her name like a prayer and hoisted her up against the hardness in his jeans, pinning her against the wall, imprinting every inch of his hard, lean body onto hers as he ravished her mouth. She tried to breathe, knocking off his hat as she raked her nails through his blond hair, making him rock against her even harder.
Even as she drowned in lust, Sam fought to regain herself and dragged her mouth away from his. It was exhilarating, but it was also terrifying.
“HW . . .”
“What?” He tugged at her lip and she shivered with the force of her longing.
“I think we need to slow down.”
“Hell,” he breathed, “I was thinking we needed to speed up and take this to a horizontal surface.”
She put both hands on his chest, fingers outstretched. His heart was thumping so hard she could feel the vibration under her palm. “I think I made a mistake.”
This time he seemed to really hear her and slowly raised his head. His eyes were golden and narrowed with lust.
“What’s wrong, Sam?”
She studied the pattern on his red plaid shirt. “I’m totally out of my league.”
“Come again?”
“You are just . . . too much.” She bit her lip. “I haven’t . . . had sex since the accident.”
Silence greeted her comment, and then HW stepped back and took her hand. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“To sit down and talk this through, because if you’re pressed against me like that I can’t think straight and I need to hear this sober.” He winced as he sat on the couch and subtly readjusted himself. “Okay, spit it out. Why haven’t you had sex? Are the guys in Sacramento blind or something?”
God, just for that she wanted to climb into his lap and rumple him up some more so badly.
“What I meant was perhaps I should’ve started out with someone less . . . accomplished.”
His brows came together. “Like Roy or someone?”
Sam fought a smile. “No, I mean someone less potent.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You’re like the finest champagne. Maybe I needed to sample some low-carb beer or something first to get me in the mood for drinking again.”
“You’re losing me.”
She looked down at her feet. “I need time to get up to speed. I know I said I wanted sex, but maybe I should take things slower.”
His hand flexed on his knee, his long fingers tapping. “Okay.” He stood up, startling her. “Why don’t you take your shower and meet me in the barn when you’re done? I’ll have the horses ready to go.”
She stared up at him, her mouth hanging open in a most attractive way. “You’re leaving ?”
“Yeah.” He gave one of his decisive nods. “I heard what you said and I’m agreeing with you. Let’s not take things too fast.” He located his hat, which was on the floor by the couch, and placed it on his head. “Take your time. I’ll text Ry to let him know we’re coming to help.”
“You’re running away, HW?”
“Could be.”
Sam shot to her feet and almost overbalanced before HW steadied her with a hand under her elbow. She searched his face, but he didn’t look angry. He was even smiling, which meant nothing, of course. He smiled all the time.
She walked him to the door, which was all of six steps, and opened it for him.
“I’ll see you at the barn, then.” HW tipped his hat to her.
“Okay, and thanks for being so understanding.”
He bent to kiss her cheek and she cupped his jaw. “Would we really have been in bed right now if I hadn’t said no?”
“Hell yeah.” He sighed. “You’d be naked and under me while I gave you the best sex of your life.”
“Gave me?” Was that her breathy moan? Sam cleared her throat. “I prefer to be on top.”
“I’d let you do that—eventually.” His voice deepened. “Yeah, I’d like to see you ride me, own me, take me . . .”
For a second, they both just stared into each other’s eyes until Sam had to look away.
“Okay! See you in a few minutes.”
She shoved him out the door, and locked it behind him before entering the bathroom and locking that door as well. She sank down on the side of the bath, her hands pressed against her red cheeks, and rocked back and forth as she considered what she had just let walk out the door.
“Sex on legs,” she murmured. “He is all that. Why didn’t I realize it?”
And why had she let him go? She slowly raised her head and caught a glimpse of her wide eyes and flushed face in the mirror. Her hair looked like a bird’s nest and her mouth was ringed with a toothpaste mustache. No wonder he’d bolted.
But he hadn’t, had he? He’d stopped when she’d asked him to and taken her changing her mind really well. Too well, really. Had he kissed her and then realized he felt nothing? Was that why he’d been so happy to accept her decision? But she’d felt the taste of his desire, the urgency of his need . . .
Sam stood up and slowly exhaled before turning on the shower. Could she face him? Was her whole vacation going to revolve around her roller-coaster relationship with one of rodeo’s favorite cowboys? She’d gone too far to turn back now and he’d definitely left the ball in her court. Now all she had to do was figure out how to play the game.
* * *
HW marched up toward the barn, his focus on cold showers and terrible rodeo rides, of days when he’d barely had enough money to keep going on the circuit. Of nights in flea-infested hotels when he’d needed the cash to feed his horse and gas up his truck.
Half of him wanted to turn around, go back to Sam’s cabin, and convince her to let him in so he could take her to bed. He knew in his soul they’d be good together. One kiss had convinced him of that . . .
So why hadn’t he pushed the matter?
He stopped walking and stared unseeingly out at the mountain range. Because he’d scared himself by how much he’d wanted her, had felt his control slipping, and for one amazing, mind-blowing minute he hadn’t even cared. And she’d felt that—and had responded to him by backing off. Had he scared her?
He almost hadn’t been able to do what she’d asked of him. For one second, he’d known that if he’d just started kissing her again, she would’ve let him.
“Arrogant, conceited jerk.” he muttered to himself as he opened the door into the tack room. Did that make him a double coward? Once for not wanting to stop and the other for wanting to be consumed by her and never let go?
But he could be considerate, right? Take it slow, be her teacher in this, help her get her confidence back before releasing her to someone who deserved her more?
But he needed her . . . which was why she scared the crap out of him because he’d learned early on in life that almost no one who loved you ever stuck around.
“What are you? Saint HW of love or something?” He was talking to himself again, but at least the horses didn’t care. “You think you’re irresistible?”
Maybe Sam was right and he wasn’t what she needed after all.