Himika

“Hah!” “Ungh…” “Yah!”

Aurek and I clashed with swords made of padded, lightweight reeds. Even then, we were getting bruises. We were holding back less and less as I was starting to learn how to fight and not just practicing how I was supposed to hold the sword or defend myself.

There was a look in his eyes, like he saw a true enemy in some distance place, and a set to his mouth like sometimes he forgot where he was. That look excited me. I knew he felt alive and so did I.

“Oof!” He knocked my stomach, which I knew was accidental, and I stumbled back, falling on my butt.

“What the hell are you doing?” My brother burst into the room as Aurek flew to my side.

“Himika…did I hurt you?” The fire in Aurek’s expression died back a little as he offered me a hand.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re pregnant!” Rin cried. “I heard you two were sparring down here. What are you thinking?”

“We’re gentle,” I said. “That was an accident.”

Rin yanked the practice sword out of my hand. “How many accidents have you made so far?”

“Rin, I’m fine. It wasn’t a hard blow.” I put my hand on my stomach. There was no sign of my pregnancy yet. But I instantly seized with guilt. I knew Rin was right, and he was just trying to protect me. Aurek put a hand around my hip and covered my other hand with his own.

“Rin is right,” he said. “This was my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t. I wanted to practice.”

“What if you lost the babies?”

“I feel like I’m made of glass all over again.”

“This time it will only last for nine months,” Aurek said.

“No, it won’t. You’ll still feel free to fight for me. You’ll insist on going off to risk their lives and maybe get captured, maimed and killed on my behalf. I’ll have to be careful forever.”

“Himika…aren’t you just happy you can have babies at all?” Rin asked.

I snarled at him and grabbed back my practice sword. “You’ve always gotten to do whatever you want.”

I left the room and stormed off down the hall. I knew I was acting juvenile, and guilt was pummeling me as I left the practice room. I rubbed my stomach, feeling immediate protectiveness and remorse. These babies might be Seron’s, and if he died, they would be all I had left of him. Or they might be my sweet Ezeru’s, and I wanted him to know I would do anything for his children.

“I’m so sorry.” Tears came to my eyes. “Please be okay. I’m so sorry. I won’t do that again.”

I heard someone approaching behind me. Peri was there. She looked at me, her eyes inquiring why I was crying.

Peri was even more mysterious to me than Ezeru; I couldn’t believe she had actually worked for Dvaro and Izeria all those years. She seemed like a very kind and cheerful person. I sensed how loving she could be. But she must have done terrible things in order to keep the trust of her mist dragon masters. That was written in her face too, something sharp as a sacred blade. She had done anything she had to do to save her children, I thought. Both the child of her blood, Niko, and the rock dragon boy she took in as her own.

She gave my hand a gentle tap.

“Everything’s okay.” I smeared away the tears. “I was sparring with Aurekdel. We got a little too rough. I don’t think I hurt the babies, but I was acting irresponsibly. I’m mainly upset because my brother won’t leave well enough alone. If Aurek and I could have just worked it out on our own…but no, he had to come in there all protective and bossy. We’re twins. But he acts like the older brother, because my health was bad. Everything that has ever happened to me was decided by my father and brother. My mother was dead, although I don’t know if it would have mattered.”

She signed, Ezeru spoke you. I knew her signs for ‘Ezeru’ and ‘you’ and the other one was close to her sign for Aurek, because he talked a lot.

“He talked to you about me?”

She nodded. She patted my stomach, signed some things, and pointed firmly at me. She was saying something about protecting my children, I think. She shook her head.

“I—I’m sorry. I don’t really understand.”

“Ooohahh uhh…” She tried to speak with her voice, her cheeks flushing a little.

“It’s okay, Peri. I’m going to learn to understand you better. But for now, I understand that you’re trying to say something…a mother would say. It helps even just to have a woman around who has already raised two good men.” She looked a little uncertain and amused, and I said, “Well…one good man, and one who’s a bit debatable, but I’ll chalk that up to you having to abandon him.”

She smiled and signed, I work Niko. She shrugged.

“You’ll work on him? Yeah, I see that already.”

Ezeru okay? She looked like she worried over him. Rock dragon… I couldn’t understand the other signs.

“He’s okay,” I assured her. “He is very tender when he needs to be. And not as much when he doesn’t need to be. I think he’s a much stronger man than he even realizes, but I hope I’m helping him to realize it. I don’t know what I’d do without him right now.”

We gave each other a hug. I’m not even sure who started the embrace, it seemed like it just happened. “Thanks,” I whispered.

A few hours later, I was taking a rose water bath to get ready for the performance that night when Aurek came in. “Are you feeling better, my gem?”

“I’m fine.”

“Peri told me to give this to you.” He handed me an envelope.

“Oh!” I broke the seal.

Dear Himika,

It will be a long time before you’ll understand my attempts at speech enough for all this. I just want to tell you that being a mother is hard. It’s always hard. You give something up that the fathers don’t. Your body will change. Your brain, too. No way around that, and men are often pretty happy to take advantage of it, even the good ones. You might not always get to be strong in the way you want to be, not every day. But don’t stop trying. It will serve you well. And don’t forget that you are still yourself. Not just a princess, a queen, a wife or a mother. There’s something inside you that only belongs to you and no one else can touch it, and if your world ever collapses, although I pray that you will never know one tenth of what I’ve experienced, that’s where you’ll have to dig. It’s the only place you’ll find an answer. That place inside you is where your strength and joy and everything about you that is the best of you is kept. And even if you lose everything you love, if you can hold onto it, you will still be able to love something new and survive.

When I had to send Niko away and the mist dragons caught me, I really thought I would die, but for some reason, I fought for it. If I hadn’t fought for it, I would never have laid eyes on that troubled, adorable, dark-haired little boy with a rock dragon’s brow and a good heart, and a mind that grew faster than he could manage. He’s a man now and whenever I see you look at him the way you do, it’s easy for me to feel joy every day. You can get through anything. Remember that. You’re a strong woman. I’ll be a surrogate mother for you any day you need one.

Love,

Peri

Aurek was never one to pass up a chance to get naked next to me, and he had climbed into the bath with me, where once again, we barely fit. I maintained my position in the precious hot water so he was all legs and arms outside the rim. Now I was in tears again.

“Himika?”

“Peri’s just so sweet.” I flopped against his chest. We were going to leave a mess of puddles.

“What did she say?”

“She told me being a mother is going to be hard sometimes. It just is. I needed to hear that.”

“I feel responsible,” he said.

“I’m responsible for myself. I could have said no.”

“But I wanted you to say yes.”

“I know. We’re too much alike sometimes. We just want a chance to fight.”

“But maybe we shouldn’t…”

“Yeah. Maybe not. I don’t want my sons and daughters to ever wonder why I wasn’t there to be a mother for them…”

He looked sober. “And Seron, Oszin, and Ezeru will always fight. That’s why you’re telling me.”

“You came into my room and climbed into my bathtub. I didn’t really mean to tell you anything.”

“But it is true.” He put a hand around the back of my head and pressed his forehead to mine. “I didn’t think of how you would feel if I insisted on fighting Seron and left you here alone.”

I leaned back in the tub, my feet sliding out of the water as he leaned over me, putting my hands on his back. His skin was smooth, lacking battle scars, but I felt his muscles flex under my fingers. I grazed his arms, my sensitive fingers over his broad shoulders and long, lean, very solid arms, down to the scales of a king that crawled up his forearms to the hands of a dragon.

“We can still spar. When you’re not pregnant. You’ll be my warrior queen whether or not you ever see battle,” he said. “I won’t leave you, Himika. I’ll let Ezeru…fight Seron…if it comes to that.”

I knew this had to be one of the hardest things Aurek had ever said. Aurekdel was so strong. I knew his honor as a man, a husband, and a king had to be tugging at him, urging him to go into battle and seize one moment of glory if it killed him. And it might. It was far less likely to kill Ezeru, who could armor his skin with stone.

This was for me and our children. But not just for me as a woman. I knew Aurek understood that he was honoring my own wish to fight, and the fact that I had to take a step back from it to be a mother and queen. He was acknowledging that he would share that burden with me.