Ezeru

How are you? You seemed to be making friends, Peri signed. She looked a little worried, probably because she found me making my own campfire while Aurekdel and Himika were dancing to the impromptu concert that sprung up, with small drums, silverware, sticks and logs making for instruments. Even the rock dragons had gone off to listen and dance.

“They’re pretty loud over there,” I said wryly. “Sometimes a man needs quiet.”

We’re not used to making noise, she responded with a faint smile. I like being alone too. But not always.

“I’m not averse to being with Aurekdel and Himika,” I said. “I’m just not used to this.”

This world is so different.

I nodded. We didn’t even need to say how different it was. The open space, the light, the noise and bustle of Gaermon and Pentia, and the relative friendliness of the human folk and the high dragons together was almost too much. “But I don’t miss home at all,” I added. “I’ll get used to it.”

How are things going with you and Himika? “Hm?” she urged, making a little sound.

“If you are going to consider yourself like my mother, it’s not something I should be talking to you about.”

Then, I am not your mother! I want to know.

“Well, do you want grandchildren?”

Her face lit up so much it embarrassed me. “No, no,” I said hastily, “hopefully they’re not mine. I don’t even know if I was supposed to say, but she’ll tell everyone soon. The queen is pregnant with twins.”

Twins! Peri smiled. But she makes you happy, doesn’t she?

My skin burned hot. “She does. I would never have thought…anything like this.” I shook my head. “Peri, it’s strange to talk to you in this place.”

“Hm?”

“I mean, no one’s watching us. We have no plans to make. Nothing to fear. No secrets to keep. Now I hardly know what to say.”

This is my dream. But it’s true. It’s hard for me to talk to Niko. There is so much I want to say, but I also…don’t want to tell him anything. It’s even harder when he can’t understand my words. I thought all I wanted was to be free of that place, but now I really feel the losses. It’s too late to mourn them, however. What do you do? I have to remember what joy is like.

I thought that was what she meant, anyway. We didn’t have signs for some of these words, at least I didn’t know them. She threw in a few gestures I had to guess at. ‘Joy’ was a hand flying upward like a soul set free. Peri had a habit of inventing words and expecting me to keep up.

“I’m not sure I’ve ever known,” I said.

You have never felt joy with Himika?

“Is this ‘joy’?” I asked her, sending my hand flying upward as she had.

She nodded.

“Joy is a strong word,” I said. “With Himika I feel…need and satisfaction. Over and over. As soon as I’m satisfied I need her again.”

That’s okay, Peri said.

“But I want to love her as a man.”

Sometimes a woman wants exactly what you say. She wrapped her arms around her legs, signing loosely. Sometimes that’s just how men are. As long as you never force her when she says no, she’ll love you for it. Do you want her now, or would you rather be alone?

“Of course I want her now. But I already was pretty rough with her in Pentia…”

Did she like it?

“Yeah,” I said, barely audible. “I don’t think I need any more advice from you, Peri.” I wanted to look away but I had to watch her hands, at least.

How do you think Niko was born? She laughed, nudging me. His father was a piece of work. And I see plenty of him in Niko, which is strange but nice, too.

“You think I should talk to her now?”

Of course!

“But they’re having a good time over there.”

Join them!

“I don’t know how to have a good time, Peri!”

It’s time you learned.

I shrugged and stood up, drawing close enough to Himika that she spotted me as she danced, hand in hand with Aurek. Her laughter turned to a softer smile and she whispered in Aurek’s ear. It looked to me like Aurek said, “Go to him,” before giving her a soft parting kiss.

As soon as she bounded over to me, jumping over log stools and weaving around a few musicians, my body went aflame with desire for her. It was always like that. I could hardly stand to have her smile beam my way.

“I wondered where you went,” Himika said, outstretching her arms. “I want to show you something.”

I bristled. “What’s that?”

She gave me a strange look. “You don’t like surprises? Well, don’t worry. It’s not much of a surprise. It’s actually more of a test.” She paused. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said ‘test’; now you look even more nervous.”

“I’m not nervous.” Clearly, I just couldn’t seem to let down my guard no matter what.

She took my hand and led me to the royal campfire, which was set up near her sleeping tent. We joined her there, but it was a feminine space, and I figured she had the ability to banish either of us if she wanted to, not that she had. There was a big iron kettle on an arm, swiveled into the warmth of the fire, but not boiling.

“Remember those plants I got the other day?” she said matter-of-factly. “One of them was silver ginseng root! It’s very rare and good for the lungs. So I made you some tea to try and see if it helps your asthma. But I also added some dried flowers from my tea garden to calm the mind. I’m not sure if your asthma comes from the physical effects of the mist, or the fear of Izeria locking you up like that.”

“I don’t know if anything will really help,” I said. “But I seem to manage.”

She looked vaguely offended. “You don’t want my tea?”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m happy to accept your tea. I just—” I shrugged. “I didn’t want to make a fuss.”

“You’re not making a fuss. I like puzzling it out,” she said, pouring the water into a cup with a sachet of herbs inside. She handed me the hot cup and poured herself a cup with the herbs to ease her morning sickness. I recognized the smell by now, and was reminded all over again that she was pregnant with two children that might even be mine. Then she sat down on a folding chair the servants had set up at her camp. It was one of the only proper chairs around. “I really didn’t want to be a healer at all, but I’m starting to understand. I can’t fight when I’m pregnant. And I know I might end up being pregnant a lot…” A nervous look crossed her face, fleetingly, but I caught it.

She’s been thinking about what I said. She is nervous about having a rock dragon child, the more she thinks about it.

She shot me a look. “What?”

“I don’t know what.”

“You have that look again.” She leaned closer. “Oh, Ez. It’s not you. I really wanted to fight, that’s all. I don’t want to be pregnant all the time. I want to make all of you happy with beautiful little heirs, but I wish I didn’t have to go through the process. And—well—I’m a little scared too.”

I took her hand, trying to be comforting and feeling very unequipped. I thought we were going to dance. “Why are you telling me this? I mean, why are you scared?”

“I—I hope I’m going to be a good mother. And…that none of us die. You know…my mother died young, so I never…had her around. I don’t know what mothers are like.” She bit her lip. “And I’m telling you because Aurek is so happy. It’s hard to tell him sad things. I mean, I know he isn’t actually as happy as he acts, but…he still isn’t the person you tell these things to.”

“Oh…” I met her eyes and it seemed like I desired her even more than before, but it was a little different than before. My desire was taking on depth and breadth. I wanted to comfort her. I wasn’t sure if my words would help. I wanted to smooth the wrinkle of fear from her brow and kiss the frown from her mouth. I wanted to hold her close until she felt as loved as a person could feel. “I know you will be a good mother. But maybe you should just have the two. That’s usually enough…”

“A queen can’t just take the tea not to have children,” Himika said. “It’s my duty.”

“Not in my mind. Not in Aurek’s either.”

“Two children…we could lose two. It would be safer to have, you know, ten.”

“Ten seems like a lot of children.”

“It does, but…”

“You like fighting,” I said. “You have a taste for a little danger.”

“A little,” she admitted. “I don’t want to command armies, but…I just don’t want to feel like I’m breeding stock. I’m—I’m very confused. I feel very guilty if I say I’m not sure I ever wanted children. That isn’t true. I’m…excited for the babies. I’m just scared and unsure and I don’t feel like myself and I want to be able to fight. You’re the only person I feel completely honest with because I know you don’t want children at all.”

“I guess it’s not…entirely true,” I said. “A part of me does want children. I want to share that with you. But I know what they would be. And I’m terrified for them.” I paused to drink some of the tea. “I can’t say I have any experience with pregnancy, but…I do remember what it feels like for your body to change in ways that aren’t…necessarily bad. But are…difficult. And have consequences.”

“Oh…yes. I guess I see that.” She rested her head on my shoulder, a tender gesture I didn’t expect. She ran her fingers over my hand. “Do you remember anything before? Were you more like Aknu?”

I stiffened. “I don’t know. I had more high dragon blood than Aknu. But I don’t really remember anything until the panic of Izeria locking me in that room with the mist.”

Her hand was so much smaller and softer than mine but I felt the beginnings of a callous on her fingers as she caressed my hand, which was gripping the cup. “Ezeru…,” she said softly.

Her touch loosened the terror of my memories, even after she was the one to bring them up. Maybe that was part of her magic, to expose things to the light that shone so brightly in her world, and banish what was dark.

“I want you,” she said, drawing herself snug against me, straddling my leg, pressing her forehead to my cheek.

“I want you too.”

“I know.” She smiled. “Drink your tea first, though. You’re going to need to breathe tonight.”

I wanted her…but she also wanted me. Maybe it was because Oszin and Seron were gone. But even Aurekdel seemed like more than enough to satisfy her. I had trouble believing that she could ever feel the way I felt. I would never forget that first time she kissed my cheek and I took more. I pressed my lips to hers. I felt like she should be mine, and now she was, and the ache still never subsided.

“What about Aurek?” I said reluctantly.

“What about him? He agreed I should spend more time with you. I told you not to spend time alone.”

“I’m not trying to be alone. I don’t like crowds, though. A part of me would like to take you to my own cave to be alone with you.”

“You have a cave?”

“Not now. But I would find one.”

“Is that what rock dragons do? Do they make their lady a special cave?”

I bristled instinctively, but Himika wasn’t mocking me. She wasn’t like that. “Yes…I’m sure when we get back, Aknu will want to make Nuru a cave.”

“It sounds pretty good to me,” she said. “Except for the sleeping arrangements.”

“I would make you a nice soft pile of weasel furs.”

She giggled. “Okay, then.” She brushed her nose against mine. “Ezeru, I love you,” she said. “Every bit of you. Especially the rock dragon bits. Aknu is so sweet courting Nuru. Sweet…but aggressive, too. Every time I see them I look for you, and I think about how much I want to feel you inside me. I want to see your face. And when I find you’ve disappeared off to your own fire, well…whether you believe me or not, I want you. What I love about you most are the parts of you that I know Izeria didn’t create.”

I finished the cup of tea quickly and dropped it in the grass. This girl…

The wanting of her was unbearable. It was worse the more she spoke, as if her honesty and trust fed into my desire.

Her fingers brushed my cheek, finding my hair and digging in deep, keeping me close to her. I pushed up her skirts and pulled off her underwear before I clutched her naked ass close to my body. She looked at me, teeth dragging at her lip.

“Himika…”

“Yes…yes.” She reached back and pressed her own hand against mine, getting even closer to me. “Don’t leave me, Ezeru. Don’t ever leave me. I’m afraid Aurekdel will try to go after Seron and…I’ll need you more than ever.”

“I never want to leave you. This is a better place to be than I could have imagined.”

“Good, good.”

I pulled her legs apart so she was straddling me, clawing open my clothes so I could pull her wet sex down on my cock. She was so hot inside, her hands digging through my hair as she panted in my ear. I kept my hands gripped on her ass, shifting her just enough to cause a sweet friction.

I stopped trying to resist the primal need that flowed inside me whenever I saw her. I was starting to believe that she wanted this. She wanted what I was deep inside. The words to express myself, the ability to reason and strategize, the cruelty of deeper awareness of being different, of being rejected and unloved. Those were the things Izeria had given me. Those things made me a man more than a rock dragon. I had always treasured them because I thought they were better.

But when I was with her, it didn’t matter as much. I didn’t need to think. Hell, I hardly could think.

That was her gift to me.

This was the best feeling I could imagine. Claiming every inch of her with every inch of myself, heat and pleasure, the heady scent of us together. The taste of her mouth in mine. The way our bodies responded to each other. The tender touch of her hands and the desperate clutching of her fingers as I grabbed her, threw open the tent door, and collapsed us both onto the pillows, without letting her lose a single inch of me deep inside her. We shoved off the last of our clothes. I hoped I hadn’t torn her dress. And now, her body under mine, all mine, golden skin with a sheen of sweat, arching back and gasping breaths.

We were alone. I didn’t mind that we were not always alone. But I was glad we were alone now. We had never been together quite like this, when all of her belonged to me.

I was losing control, losing myself, deeper and deeper. My claws sharpened, digging deeper, tearing the thin floor of the tent, and I let my tail break free from my skin, another limb, wrapping it around the back of her legs, tightening her against me. She shuddered with pleasure, grabbing my horns tight.

“I’ve never—felt so much—like I was with a dragon before,” she panted. “So…what are those dragon girls always doing with their tails?”

“I’ve never been with one of them.”

“Shall we try and figure it out?”

I grinned. “I am willing to experiment.”