Rodney
Danielle was everywhere, even in my dreams. I dreamed of her long smooth legs, the deep green of her eyes when she smiled at me, and the smell of her perfume when she walked past me. She was mesmerizing, and I was addicted. I wanted more of her. Without my fix, I knew I would go into withdrawal. I would wilt.
I woke up in the middle of the night with an erection that ached and a woman on my mind that I couldn’t have. I got up to drink water, and in the darkness, all I could see was her. It was because I was still half asleep, I told myself. I splashed cold water on my face and got back into bed, forcing myself to go back to sleep and to stop thinking about her.
It was much easier said than done.
On Saturday morning, Tommy had me up at the crack of dawn to watch cartoons. When it was a weekday, I couldn’t get him up to be on time for school, but on weekends, he was up so early we could catch the sunrise.
The joys of being a father.
“What are we making for breakfast, big man?” I asked when his favorite show ended.
“Pancakes,” Tommy said.
I shook my head. I couldn’t make pancakes. “You’ll have to ask Danielle when she comes to watch you again. You know that.”
Sometimes, Danielle made pancakes with Tommy, and he loved it.
“What about scrambled egg and bacon, buddy?” I could make that, and there was almost no way I could mess it up.
Tommy shrugged. “I guess. What are we going to do today?”
I thought about it. I didn’t have anything planned for the weekend.
“How about we hang out at home, just us guys?” I asked.
“That’s normal,” Tommy said. “It’s always just us guys.”
I couldn’t say anything to that. It was always us guys. He was right. A pang of regret shot through me. I hadn’t dated much, and I wasn’t planning on marrying again. At this rate, it would be the two of us for the rest of our lives. I wanted more for Tommy, but I couldn’t imagine dating, bringing a stranger into the bubble Tommy and I had been living in.
Of course, there was Danielle, who had managed to get into our world. And she was so great with Tommy and a wonderful person to boot. But I couldn’t date her, I reminded myself. Because of Mark. I shouldn’t have even slept with her. Twice. God, I had created a mess.
Tommy and I walked to the kitchen together to start on breakfast when my phone rang. Mark’s number flashed on the caller ID.
“Do you want to head out onto the golf course with me?” Mark asked. “Nina is out of the house today, and I’m bored.”
I hesitated. If he knew what I’d done with Danielle only yesterday, he wouldn’t want to ever speak to me again. I’d hoped that fucking her would get it out of my system, but it had the opposite effect. I couldn’t get her out of my mind now. I thought about her, not only about her body and how great she was in bed–or on a desk, as the case may be–but about who she was a person. She was amazing in every way.
Would dating her in secret be possible? The moment the thought came up, I squashed it. I couldn’t think like that. It wasn’t going to happen. It was better if I didn’t even entertain the idea. I shouldn’t have slept with her yesterday. I shouldn’t have slept with her at all. Now that I had, there was no changing it, but that didn’t mean I had to compound my mistakes by hoping for an actual relationship with her.
Mark was still on the line, waiting for an answer. I considered turning him down, but that would seem suspicious, wouldn’t it? The best thing was to accept and carry on as if nothing had happened.
“I have Tommy with me,” I said.
“So? Bring the little man along. He can give you some pointers on your short game.”
“Very funny.” I thought about it for a moment before agreeing. Tommy had complained he was bored, anyway.
“I’ll see you there in an hour,” I said.
“Are we going somewhere?” Tommy asked when I hung up.
“We’re going to play golf with Mark. Does that sound like fun?”
Tommy thought about it, tipping his head to the side while he turned the eggs over and over in their carton.
“Will you teach me how to swing?” he asked.
I nodded. Why not? Tommy agreed that it would be fun. We substituted a big breakfast for cereal before getting dressed, and less than an hour later, we were on the road, headed toward the golf course.
Mark was already there when we arrived, wearing his golfing attire. Mark didn’t work, so he played a lot more than I did, and he wore all the right clothes. He was a walking ambassador for the sport. I doubted Nina believed that he did it for business reasons, as Mark tried to claim. She wasn’t a stupid woman.
But that was what love was, wasn’t it? Making compromises and turning a blind eye to someone’s flaws from time to time. Or maybe it was seeing their flaws and loving them anyway.
It made me think about Danielle again, about perhaps ignoring her age and seeing if there was something there between us. Something real. It would be easy to keep it secret because she worked for me. Who would know we weren’t only working together?
But it wasn’t that simple. If it came out–and it inevitably would because someone always found out–it wasn’t only my friendship with Mark that would be over. It would be my reputation, too. The media would eat it up, and it could mean the downfall of the company if it came out so close to the launch of a new program. The investors would pull funding, people would turn their backs on me, and life would get messy.
I was so confused. I wanted to be with Danielle. In a very short time, she had come to mean a lot to me. Still, I wanted to save my company, my friendship, and my reputation. The price for my own personal happiness was too steep.
Mark approached me with a big grin on his face and his arms outstretched to Tommy. I pushed the thoughts away. I couldn’t do it to my friend. Mark had been there through thick and thin, and this was how I would repay him?
“The course looks good,” Mark said after hugging Tommy. “I was just out there.” He looked up. “And the weather is a stunner, not too hot and not too cold. Perfect day to do this, eh?”
He nudged me, and I forced a smile, nodding.
We headed out onto the course. We played one hole after the other. I showed Tommy how to swing, and he had a blast on the golf cart Mark had rented because he refused to walk so far. I was having a good time, too, but I was distracted. I was nervous around Mark, even though there was no way he could have known about me and Danielle.
We had played seven holes when Mark stopped planning his swing and turned to me, leaning on his golf club.
“What’s up with you today?” he asked me.
I frowned. My stomach twisted a little. “What do you mean?”
“You’re very distracted today. You’re not usually like this on the course. This is supposed to be an escape.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, buying myself time to think. I wasn’t about to tell Mark that I was thinking about the amazing sex I’d had with his daughter.
“I’m preoccupied with work,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
Mark narrowed his eyes at me, and for a moment, I wasn’t sure if he bought it. I was worried he would see through me. This was what happened when you harbored a secret, I scolded myself. Punishment in the form of not being able to relax.
“Is something wrong with the company?” Mark asked. “Something I should be worried about as an investor?”
Only as a father. “No,” I said. “Nothing to worry about. Why?”
“Because this morning, I spoke to Danielle, and she’s as quiet as you are. When I asked her what was wrong, she said the same thing, that she’s caught up in work.”
Shit. She was thinking about me the same way I thought about her. I didn’t know if I should feel flattered or worried about it. It was great to know she felt the same way about me as I felt about her, but it also meant this situation was way more complicated than I wanted it to be. If I was the only one catching feelings after our time together, it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as if she was falling for me, too. I never meant to drag her into this so deeply, but then again, it took both of us to do what we did.
I forced these thoughts away and focused on my conversation with Mark. “No, everything’s fine. It’s just a bit of pressure with the new program and the extended deadlines, that’s all. My developers are worried it might affect the initial wave after the release. When they worry, I worry. And when I worry, I suppose it rubs off on Danielle as my secretary.”
I was impressed by the lie I had plucked out of thin air. It sounded real to me, even though I knew it was bullshit. Lying to Mark about his daughter wasn’t something I should have been proud about, but it was better than him knowing the truth.
“Are you sure that’s all it is?” Mark asked.
Shit, he wasn’t buying it.
“Dad,” Tommy interrupted. He had one of my clubs, and he’d been trying to work on his swing by himself. “I don’t think I’m doing it right.”
“Here, let me help you, buddy,” I said, all too happy for the interruption. I didn’t know what to say to Mark. I didn’t know what else to tell him. He wasn’t an employee or a partner, but he was an investor, and the investors knew what was going on in the company. It wasn’t so easy to spin a story about work if it wasn’t work that was the problem.
I was relieved Tommy was with us. I didn’t always like bringing him to the golf course because he often got bored and that just made me feel like a shitty parent. Now that he was older, he could join in, and he didn’t complain about being bored or it being too hot in the sun. This time, he was saving my ass as well, and I was glad about that.
“How about you let me show you what to do,” Mark said to Tommy. “I’ve beaten your dad more times than I can count.”
He laughed, taking the golf club from me to show Tommy the proper technique.
“Only because I let you,” I joked, taking the bait. I would be the butt of jokes for the rest of the day if it meant it diverting Mark away from the topic of work and Danielle and why I was so distracted.
We joked around and showed Tommy what to do for a while. Then, we got into the cart once we had taken our swings, and we moved on to the next hole. I thought about Danielle again, wondering what she was doing, but this time, I put the thought out of my mind, pushing it as far away as I could. I had to keep my head in the game today and be responsive. I couldn’t afford to have Mark asking me what was up again.
The second time around, I didn’t think I would be able to lie as well as I had done the first time, and I hated that I had put myself in a position where I needed to lie to my oldest friend.