Danielle
It was time for Lisa and me to catch up again, to go out for drinks, and to talk about everything that had been happening in our lives. There was no better time for us to meet up. I needed to talk to my friend and ask her advice.
“I’m so glad we have these nights out,” I said when we sat in our usual spot with our usual cocktails before us. “You have no idea what a tough time I’ve been having.”
Lisa reached for my hand, squeezing it. “You should have called me to meet sooner if you needed me, honey.”
I shrugged. “It was a bit of a rollercoaster ride to be honest.” I sipped on my straw. Alcohol was exactly what I needed tonight.
“Tell me what’s going on,” she said. “You know I’m always here.”
I took a deep breath.
“You know I slept with Rodney, right?” I started, and Lisa nodded. “Well, we did it again. The seduction thing you explained to me? It worked.”
Lisa grinned. “I told you. I know the tricks of the trade.”
I smiled sadly, nodding. “We agreed that it was the last time we would do it, before we did anything. Rodney is worried about how it might look if we’re together. He thinks he stands to lose a lot if it comes out, and I guess I understand where he’s coming from. It’s not exactly conventional.”
Lisa nodded. “You’ve never gone with the flow, though.”
It was true, but there had never been this much potential for trouble for doing something unconventional.
“We agreed we wouldn’t do it again, right? So there’s no reason for things to be difficult or awkward. I didn’t have an issue with it, even if I want to do it again. But he’s been acting so weird since then. He ditched work to avoid me, and since he’s been back, he’s been a total jerk.”
I explained to Lisa what he had said to me about my clothes and how he had threatened to take me to HR, even though what I had worn was never a problem before.
Lisa nodded, looking pensive. “I see what you’re saying. I think it’s the classic man-card problem.”
I frowned. “That’s not a thing,” I said.
“Well, I’m going to make it a thing,” Lisa said.
I rolled my eyes. “This ought to be good.”
“What I mean by that is that he’s trying to put his foot down to look big and in control. Maybe he feels like he’s not. So, he’s laying down the law, but he’s taking it too far. Do you know what I mean?”
I kind of understood her, and it made sense. Men were weird when their egos were involved. I wasn’t sure how this was about Rodney’s ego—I hadn’t been right while he was wrong—but I couldn’t see why else he would be acting like this.
“So, now I’ve been given a verbal warning about my clothes,” I said.
“Test it,” Lisa said, sipping her cocktail. Mine was almost finished, but she had barely touched hers. I guessed I needed the alcohol a hell of a lot more than she did.
“Test what?” I asked.
“His warning. See if he’ll follow through with his threat if you wear sexy clothes again. If he doesn’t, you’ll know he’s only trying to make it sound like he’s in charge.”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand that part. He is in charge. He’s my boss.”
“The boss that fucked you. You’re equals in that regard, and maybe he’s trying to reestablish the pecking order.”
I groaned. “It sounds complicated. He’s a man. I don’t think men are that complex.”
Lisa shrugged. “I might be wrong, but I have to warn you, it doesn’t happen very often.”
She laughed at her own joke. I shook my head, but I couldn’t help smiling. I thought about the theory she was proposing. Could it be that Rodney was trying to look like he was in control of a situation he thought was getting away from him? Maybe. I didn’t know.
“Can I ask you something?” Lisa asked. I looked up at her. Her face was serious. Uh-oh. Lisa was never serious about anything. Life was a party to her.
“Yeah,” I said carefully.
“Do you have feelings for Rodney? Be honest about it.”
I hesitated. I didn’t know if I should tell her. Lisa had led me to believe before that being with an older guy wasn’t so bad if it was just a one-night stand, but when it came down to dating, it was a different story. Would my friend reject me now if I told her the truth? Or would she be there for me, no matter what, the way she always said she would?
I nodded slowly, taking the leap.
“I do,” I said. “I didn’t plan for this, but somewhere along the line, I fell for him.”
Lisa raised her eyebrows, and for a moment, I didn’t know if she was going to support me or judge the hell out me.
“Well, I’ve always said you’re unconventional. If someone is going to break the rules, it’s bound to be you. Even if it’s a rule in the dating world.”
“So, you don’t think it’s totally messed up?” I asked.
Lisa pulled up one shoulder, looking around the bar while she formulated her response.
“Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I think it’s weird. Older guys don’t do it for me, and if you date them, they’ll end up dying long before you do. But I understand love and falling for someone without meaning to. And if that’s where your heart lies, I’m not going to tell you it’s wrong.”
Lisa’s speech surprised me. I had expected her to be insulting. Lisa didn’t pussyfoot around anything. She was straightforward whether what she said was insulting or not.
“I can’t stop thinking about him,” I admitted, feeling more comfortable saying it to Lisa now that I realized she was an even better friend than I’d thought before.
“Maybe you should sit down and talk to him, then,” Lisa suggested. “I’ve learned that there are some things you can’t work through without talking about them.”
I sighed. “It’s very mature advice, to be sure. But I don’t see how Rodney will be open to talking about something like this. He’s so difficult lately, and I’m scared that he doesn’t feel the same as I do. I don’t want to be the kid that misinterpreted love when it was just a one-night stand to him.”
“If you talk to him about it, you’ll know where you stand. If he tells you that he doesn’t feel the same way, then you know. But what if he tells you he does feel the same way? Imagine what that could mean for you. If you don’t find out, you’ll never know.”
I nodded. She was right about that.
“I just don’t think he’s going to listen,” I said. “He’s not being reasonable right now.”
“Either you try talk to him, or you quit your job. You can’t hang in the middle like this. It’s not healthy, and it will create a weird dependency thing where you always want to please him and he doesn’t give a shit. Your age difference already makes it hard to stay on equal footing. So, talk or quit.”
My cocktail glass was empty now. I turned it around and around on the bar.
“My dad will be super disappointed if I quit now. He got me this job, and it’s so important to him that I’m working. I don’t think I can do that.”
Lisa shrugged. “It doesn’t leave you much of a choice then, does it?”
She was right. But it wasn’t that easy. In any other situation, I would have thrown caution to the wind and done whatever the fuck I wanted. I had always been that type of person, defiant of the rules and doing what I wanted. I looked for trouble or trouble found me. By now, it knew my address.
But every time there had been a reason for me to be a rebel, I had been detached from the situation. This time, I was attached. I was emotionally involved. It made it a lot harder to be rebellious and to go against the flow and do something that made waves.
“I hear what you’re saying,” I said to Lisa. I didn’t know how to explain to her that everything had changed because I had fallen for Rodney, that since then, parts of me had changed and that nothing was as simple as it used to be.
“I know you’ll figure it out, Danielle,” Lisa said. “You always do.”
I nodded. I hoped she was right. “Enough about me, how about you?” I asked. “Any news? How’s life treating you?”
Lisa shrugged and grinned coyly, an expression I had seen on her face many times before.
“What’s his name?” I asked.
Lisa laughed. “You know me too well. His name is Josh. Such a jock name, right?”
“What does that even mean, a jock name?” I laughed. Lisa had such a unique perspective on life. Maybe that was why she was able to accept my craziness, even though my quirks were different from hers. Maybe she understood what it meant not to fit in.
“You know, it’s not something out of the ordinary like Ace or Axel, and it’s not nerdy like Bernard or Earl. It sounds kind of hot, too.”
I shook my head, still laughing. Lisa had a theory about men’s names and how that defined them. Maybe she was right. I had never tried to find out details. I hadn’t asked her what she thought about Rodney’s name, or what it said about him, either. I wasn’t going to go there.
“So, anyway, I went to the bonfire night with Cheryl. You remember her, don’t you? Anyway, the bonfire was just after you started working, so I couldn’t ask you to pull an all-nighter with me in the middle of the week. It would have been way more fun if you were there, though. Cheryl is not my favorite.”
I nodded and smiled, making the right sounds in the right places while Lisa told me how she met Josh, how they spent the night together, and what she thought about all the other people who had attended.
I only half paid attention. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about Lisa and her life—we were best friends and I was invested in her life as much as she was invested in mine—but my mind was on Rodney. I thought about how I was going to sort out what was happening between us, or what wasn’t happening between us. I didn’t know how to handle the situation with him–I wanted to speak to him about my feelings the way Lisa had suggested—but I wasn’t sure it would help. In fact, I was worried it would have the opposite effect and make things worse.
“You remember Horace?” Lisa asked, still going on about the same thing. I nodded, the name vaguely familiar. “Well, there’s a name that should have been a warning sign from the start. Anyway, Josh has the cutest thing about him that Horace had, but so far, there is no sign of the dick side.”
“That sounds like a bonus to me,” I said.
“Right?” Lisa agreed. “That’s what I was thinking, as well.” Lisa carried on talking, telling me all about Josh and telling me how she wondered if he was someone she might consider dating. I doubted it.
Lisa had never been the type of person to take anything further than a fling. She felt tied down too quickly. In that regard, Lisa and I were the same. We both felt that we weren’t with someone that fulfilled us. Her reasons were different than mine; Lisa’s entire existence revolved around excitement, and sticking with one person long-term tended to be less exciting than jumping from one guy to the next.
My outlook was a little different. I wanted the guy I was with to be on the same level as I was intellectually and emotionally. There weren’t many of those around, so we had both been single for different reasons.
For a while, a very short while, I had hoped that Rodney would be the exception for me. Now, I wasn’t so sure.