Danielle
“How many times do I have to do this?” I asked, sitting on the toilet. I peed on my fourth pregnancy test stick, and I felt sick to my stomach about what the results had been so far.
“I don’t know, Dani,” Lisa said from the bedroom. “I feel like you’ve passed the point where it might be a false positive.”
I groaned. “That’s not what I want to hear,” I wailed.
Lisa didn’t respond to that. I replaced the cap on the pregnancy test and put it on the counter before washing my hands. This wasn’t going well at all.
After Monica had mentioned morning sickness, I had gotten a terribly hollow feeling in my stomach. Earlier that morning, I had noticed my period was later than usual. A lot later.
I had hoped it was only stress-related or an irregular period. Even though I had never been irregular in my life, I had been sexually active recently, and what Monica said made the most sense. I hadn’t wanted it to be that straightforward.
So, I had spent the day throwing up and wondering what the hell was happening to me. Finally, I decided to take a pregnancy test. If it came out negative, I wouldn’t be so stressed anymore. I had bought a test and taken it. Everyone at home had been out–my mom at the office and my dad at the golf course or something.
When it had come out positive, I had thrown up again, as if my body had tried to tell me, “I told you so.” I had gone to the pharmacy and picked up three more tests before heading to Lisa’s place. I hadn’t forgotten to text my dad that I was going there. I didn’t need him calling around to find me again. I had enough stress in my life as it was.
“What am I going to do?” I asked, sitting next to Lisa on the bed while we waited for the fourth test to do its magic. I stared at the three tests on the bed that all gave me a big fat positive and hoped to God the last one would tell me something else. I needed it to give me a shred of hope to cling onto.
“I think you need to accept it for what it is,” Lisa said. “You can only take so many tests. You should think about what you want to do about it. Like if you want to get rid of it or keep it or give it up, you know?”
My head swam. These were decisions I wasn’t ready to make. I hadn’t expected to have to think about these things at this stage in my life.
“Time’s up,” Lisa said, looking at her watch.
I sighed and walked back to the bathroom. I was sure of what the result would be. There wasn’t much chance of it being anything else than positive. But when I looked at the pregnancy test and saw the proof that it was positive, a feeling of dread settled in my stomach, even though I had expected it.
“Positive,” I said, coming out of the bathroom and showing Lisa. I felt like I wanted to cry.
“You’re sure it’s Rodney’s baby?” Lisa asked.
I nodded somberly. “I haven’t slept with anyone else in the past six months. There’s no way it can’t be his. God, things are so bad between us right now.” I covered my face with my hands and took a shaky breath.
“Are you going to tell him?” Lisa asked.
I scrubbed my hands down my face. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I have no idea what to do. This is a big mess.”
Lisa nodded, unable to give me any friendly advice that would make me feel better. She had to admit that things looked bleak for me.
My phone rang in the bag I had packed for the night, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Want to bet that’s Rodney?”
Lisa didn’t respond. I found my phone in my bag. I’d been right. Rodney’s name flashed on the caller ID. No doubt, he wanted to know if I could make it to the office tomorrow. I doubted he wanted to know anything else. He had made it clear our working relationship was all that would exist between us.
“Yeah?” I answered.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
I thought about the four positive pregnancy tests. “I’ll live,” I said.
“Where are you?”
I hesitated. Why did it matter where I was? “I’m at Lisa’s place,” I answered carefully. I glanced up at Lisa. She came closer, leaning in so she could hear the conversation.
“Can I come see you?” Rodney asked. “I’d like to talk to you.”
I glanced at Lisa, who nodded. She wanted me to speak to him about my pregnancy tests and tell him I was carrying his child. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this. I had only just found out that my whole world would be turned upside down. But if not now, then when?”
“All right,” I said. “I’ll send you the address.”
When we ended the call, I looked at Lisa.
“I can’t do this,” I said.
Lisa hugged me. “It’s going to be fine. No matter what happens, you’re not in this alone. Whether or not you have Rodney by your side, you’ll always have me.”
I nodded. Lisa was an amazing friend. Loud, outspoken, and sometimes too lazy for her own good, but loyal to a fault, and that was what I needed right now.
“Thank you for going through this with me,” I said.
Lisa smiled. “Of course. That’s what friends are for. Besides, if you do decide to keep it, I’m totally cool with being the crazy aunt.”
I groaned. “God, I can’t even think about that right now. Let’s just get through this one step at a time.”
Fifteen minutes later, Rodney rang the intercom, and Lisa buzzed him in. My stomach was in knots when she opened the door for him.
Lisa looked Rodney up and down when he stepped into the apartment, and I knew she was judging him. I would only know what her final verdict was after he left.
“How are you feeling?” Rodney asked after introducing himself to Lisa. He walked to me, and we sat down on Lisa’s couch together.
“Fine,” I said. “Up and down.” That was the understatement of the year.
Rodney nodded and looked at his hands like he was trying to find the right words.
“Can I ask you something?” he asked.
I shrugged.
“Why didn’t you want me to walk you out to your car earlier today?”
I frowned. Rodney didn’t seem to understand what was going on.
“I’m not about to let you be all gallant when you’re blowing hot and cold about where we stand,” I said
Rodney shook his head. “Being friends isn’t a bad thing.”
I sighed. “We both know we’re not going to be able to be friends again, Rodney. Not after everything that’s happened. I’m afraid now it’s all or nothing.”
Rodney was silent for a moment, nodding to acknowledge my words but with nothing to say in return. I was glad he didn’t counter me or try to debate it. I wasn’t in the mood for an argument.
“When Monica brought your water today and asked if it was morning sickness,” Rodney started, and I knew where he was going with it. “Are you pregnant?”
I sighed and felt precariously close to crying. I stood up and walked to the bedroom where I scooped the fourth pregnancy test from the bed and carried it back to the living room. I held it out to Rodney who took it and blinked down at it as if he wasn’t sure what he was holding.
Lisa stood quietly in the corner, watching our interaction. I glanced at her, and she shrugged almost imperceptibly. She had no idea where this was going to go, either.
Rodney closed his eyes for a moment before putting the test down on the coffee table and standing up.
“Excuse me,” he said and walked to the front door. He closed it behind him, and Lisa and I were left alone.
“What the hell was that?” Lisa asked.
“I think he’s going outside to freak out. You know, because he doesn’t want to lose his shit where we can see. Because I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening.”
Lisa nodded. I pulled my knees up to my chest on the couch and hugged my legs. I had no idea what was going to happen, or how Rodney would react when he came back inside. If he came back inside. A small part of me was terrified that he would leave altogether, and I would really be in this alone. Lisa had said she had my back, but it was different if Rodney ditched me. What would I do then?
“It’s going to be fine, Danielle,” Lisa said, but she sounded hesitant, as if she didn’t believe her own words.
It felt like forever before the front door opened and Rodney stepped back into the apartment. Lisa glanced at me as if she wanted confirmation, wanting me to let her know if I needed her to stay.
“I’ll be in the room if you need me,” Lisa said. “Let me give you some privacy.”
I nodded. Rodney stayed standing at the door as if he was nervous to come closer.
“I’m sorry,” I said, and I couldn’t hold back the tears. All the panic and stress that had built up all day finally spilled over, and I wasn’t able to keep my mask up anymore.
When I started crying, Rodney shook his head. “Hey,” he said, walking to me, and his voice was gentle. He didn’t sound upset. “It’s okay.”
“It’s really not,” I said, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“It’s not ideal right now, but don’t be sorry. You didn’t do this any more than I did, and I know it wasn’t planned.”
I tried to swallow down my tears, but I couldn’t. Now that I had started crying, I couldn’t seem to stop. Were my hormones already acting up? It was common knowledge that pregnant women cried easily. God, I didn’t want to be one of them. I didn’t want to be pregnant, for that matter.
Rodney put his hand carefully on my leg as if he was nervous I would bite.
“What do you want to do?” he asked. “With the baby, I mean.”
I looked up at him. I hadn’t had a lot of time to think about it, but my first reaction was not to get rid of the baby, no matter how much I knew it would change my life.
“I want to keep it,” I said.
Rodney’s eyes widened a little.
“You don’t have to be a part of this,” I added quickly. I didn’t want him to tell me that I had to get rid of it. He couldn’t make that decision for me.
“No, no,” Rodney said. “We’re in this together, and if you want to keep the baby, then I’ll be there for you.”
I blinked at him. This was the Rodney I had grown knowing, the man that I had fallen for. The guy that had been rude and standoffish to me at the office, the one that had threatened to send me to HR for my clothes, had been a stranger.
“I don’t know how this is going to be,” I said. “But I don’t think it’s going to be a breeze.”
Rodney nodded. “I know, but I’m not a stranger to fighting for what I want. I got through Chrissy’s death and raising Tommy. I think we can manage.”
It was true. Rodney was the kind of guy that stuck it out.
“Do you need anything?” Rodney asked.
I shook my head. “Not at the moment, no.”
Rodney hesitated. “Do you want to come stay with me?”
The offer was generous, and I knew he wanted to prove to me that he would be there for me, that we would face this together. But for now, I needed to be with my friend until I had wrapped my mind around everything. I shook my head.
“I’m going to stay here,” I said.
Rodney nodded, and I knew he was trying his best to understand. He lifted his hand and put it on my cheek, touching me lightly with his fingertips first as if he wasn’t sure if I was going to bite. When I let him touch me, let him inch closer to me, he kissed me. I closed my eyes when his lips touched mine and sighed.
“We’ll figure this out, okay?” Rodney said when he broke the kiss. I nodded.
He stood up to leave. When he was at the door, I called him back.
“Thank you,” I said when he looked at me from the door.
Rodney nodded before letting himself out.