Ryker
The darkness is strong, a mighty beast set on ruin, but the light of day is just as powerful, if not more so. She’ll be the one to prove it.
IT WAS AN impossible decision to pull away from Lennon, particularly after she bumped her body against mine, but she deserves to know the truth. Her lovely blue-green gaze doesn’t falter as she waits for me to speak. I breathe deep, asking for courage, hoping for understanding, but knowing I deserve nothing except contempt. Regardless of the consequences, I need to do right by Lennon.
I loosen my hold from her trim torso and reach for her hands. My tongue sticks to the dry roof of my mouth, as if I ate too much peanut butter. Lennon must notice my struggle because she speaks before I get shit figured out.
“It’s okay, Ryker. I know what you’re going to say,” she whispers sweetly while gripping my fingers.
My eyes widen as I consider the possibility. “You do? How?”
“It’s not that difficult to figure out and I’m actually really glad you’re bringing it up. We should talk about this stuff. I mean those kisses are so . . . hot.” She bites her lip, which has me reeling for an entirely differently reason. “Our first time will be even more special if we take it slow.”
“Holy shit, hearing you talk about sex is so fucking distracting.” I clench my eyes shut before groaning.
A bright red flush races up Lennon’s neck before settling on her cheeks.
“Uh huh. It’s fun to think about, right? But wait, distracting from what?”
“There’s something else I need to say and it most definitely doesn’t involve us getting naked. Unfortunately,” I mutter as the mood between us shifts. “Can we go inside for a moment?” As my chin juts toward the door, she lifts a brow then nods before unlocking the deadbolt.
“Want anything to drink?” Lennon asks as she saunters into the living room.
“No, thanks. I don’t need a reason to delay the inevitable.” My conscience barrels forward, determined to give Lennon the truth, while my heart thunders with concern.
“Um, okay. Wanna sit down?”
I take a seat next to her on the couch and rub my clammy hands together. Lennon turns to face me but my nervous gaze keeps darting to the colorful walls.
“Please don’t be mad. I swear this wasn’t me being an asshole . . . or anything.” I blurt as my blood pressure shotguns from a barrel.
“Ryker? What’s going on? You can tell me anything.” Her calm seeps into my chaos and I recline into the cushions. Her steady mood anchors me.
“I set up the studio space in Denten and paid for a portion to lower the rent.” My voice is barely audible.
Lennon sucks in a gasp.
“Wh-what?” Her posture stiffens, shoulders tense and straight. “Why would you do that? I didn’t need help with money.” Her tone cracks, fracturing my courage to admit everything. She claps a palm over her mouth before shaking her head. “That came out harsher than I meant,” Lennon mumbles between fingers. “But what the hell, Ryker? I don’t understand.”
My chest cinches, knowing my words need to spill fast.
“I completed the interest form and submitted it for you. The listing was another site you frequently visited so I found it that way. The rent was steep, especially for a small town, so I wasn’t sure if that was holding you back.” My pitch is practically a rasp as I push forward. “Based on the number of times you went to that page, this was something you really loved and my purpose is to make you happy.”
Her jaw hangs open and her turquoise eyes bore into my soul. When Lennon stays silent, I take it as a hint to keep talking.
“The software I created is extremely profitable and the companies who use it pay me a small fortune. Money isn’t important to me. I make a lot, spend a little, and want to give everything to you. This is a way I can provide for you.” My tone wobbles when Lennon’s posture stiffens. My muscles coil tight, ready to snap.
She exhales heavily.
“Okay, let’s stop for a minute. This is not a turn I thought our evening would take.” Her palm rests against her forehead. “I’m not really sure how to react. This is a pretty big deal to me, Ryker. Why didn’t you ask me first so we could talk about it? And you let me yammer on about it at dinner without saying a word?”
Lennon’s fingers spear into her hair as she sputters, “My father always uses money as a weapon to get his way. I hate that control he forces on me and have been working hard to get out of his financial grasp. I don’t need your money and didn’t need you to swoop in to pay for a lavish loft, whether it was an amazing spot or not. I’ve been saving for a while and was going to get a place within my budget.”
My hackles rise at her defensive tone.
“I know you can do this on your own, Lennon. I’ve been watching you succeed independently for years and I wasn’t trying to suggest you couldn’t. Fuck.” My fists jam into my eye sockets while I attempt to keep her sunshine under my skin. “I’m screwing shit up left and right. I’ve done too much behind your back, and I know it’s wrong, but that was the only way for me. And with a few clicks on the keyboard, it was a done deal. Splitting the rent with you was an easy choice, another big gift,” I explain while watching for her reaction, my stomach sinking like a rock.
“Wow, there was a better way to go about this.” She bites down on her lip. “I’m so grateful for all you do and extremely happy we’ve been hanging out. This situation is making me a tad frazzled so now isn’t a great example but . . . Urgh. It’s very important to me that I’m able to pay for my own way. After my parents tried keeping me home by offering loads of cash to start what they consider a pipe dream, I became determined to prove them wrong. There’s not much I’ve been able to control so this is important to me.”
There’s lead weighing me down as I nod slowly, my face holding no expression. Lennon sighs.
“You want to share the cost? Help me get a stellar studio? Let’s talk about it. You were a secret for years but we’re finally out in the open. I don’t want to hide anything. I need you to trust me and tell me what’s on your mind rather than finding out this way,” she says as she shifts closer.
“I didn’t want to lose you.” My shoulders slump.
Lennon sets her palm on my knee and the connection pauses the turmoil raging inside me. When tension seizes my limbs, she squeezes my thigh.
“You make me feel so good, Ryker. Everything you do, I know it’s for my benefit. Wanting me to have the most beautiful workspace ever? That’s really sweet, and I’m sure your intentions were in the right place, but outright paying for a large chunk of something reminds me of my dad. I just wish this wasn’t done in secret.” My brain jams on the comparison to her father as she continues. “I like you, a lot, and this is new for us. I’m sure you weren’t doing this to control me. I haven’t told you much about my parents or the issues with them. Compared to the watching and following, maybe the money stuff shouldn’t be an issue. But it is to me.”
Her fingers massage my leg but I’m caught in the murky midnight blurring the edges of my vision. I don’t want to leave Lennon but the comfort of the familiar darkness calls to me.
How do I fix this?
Do I apologize until she forgives me? Give her another present? Kiss her senseless? Tell her how gorgeous she looks in the low lamplight? Ask if I can run my fingers through her glossy dark hair? Go home so I don’t make the situation worse?
I’m off balance and sliding all over with uncertainty. I’ll do anything to turn this conversation around and get back on Lennon’s good side.
“I don’t know what to say,” I mutter.
Way to go, genius.
“I want this to work out between us, Ryker. I’m not trying to be a brat and make this uncomfortable but it’s important we talk through this.” Lennon peers into me. The cold attacks my system as frost filters in but my heart keeps pumping warmth into my trembling limbs. My nails claw at the velvety fabric beneath me in an attempt to stay grounded.
“I’ve pushed too far and now you’re going to leave.” My lifeless words tumble out.
Lennon’s head snaps back and she blinks rapidly.
“What? No, Ryker. Why would you say that? We’re all right and I’m not angry, but you’ve gotta change tactics. I’ve never dated and don’t know what’s the best approach so please don’t get upset. I just,” she releases a deep breath, “don’t want to be a naïve fool that keeps overlooking significant things. I realize everything you’ve done has been solely for either my protection or happiness but still. Even you said it seems like constant confession time and that doesn’t sit right with me. There shouldn’t be a reason to come clean. I don’t think that’s asking too much . . . or maybe it is? I’m screwing this all up.”
Lennon pulls away before huffing loudly and losing her touch is catastrophic. My temples throb while my stomach quakes and I swallow hard to keep the nausea from building. I try to focus on her voice but suddenly my senses are spinning. My face tips down while I slam my eyes shut, trying to escape the madness. My soul begs for control but the insanity is waking up.
I won’t go back to being alone. I can’t.
“Ryker? Are you alright?” Lennon’s healing melody crashes through the fog.
I glance at her through a thin crack in my lids before shaking my head. I manage to mutter a pathetic, “I’m sorry,” through my strangled windpipe.
Lennon brushes along the leather wrapped around my wrist and the slight movement sends shocks up my arm. “It’s okay, I’m not mad. That studio is my dream and you wanted to make it come true, which I can’t fault you for. It’s extremely romantic that you wanna take care of me. I love that, alright? It was a shock at first but what you did is different than how my parents handle things. Next time, let’s decide together. This relationship stuff is a work in progress for me too.” Her chuckle falls flat when she glances at my face. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking? Please? I didn’t mean to talk so much. For some reason, you bring out a blabbing side of me.”
“You can’t help me.” My reply is hoarse.
“Ryker, don’t say that. Everything is alright. Did I say something that bothers you? Can we talk about it? Let me be here for you, like you’re always there for me. We can lean on each other,” she says softly.
“You don’t want to depend on me, Lennon. I’m a grown man incapable of figuring this shit out on my own. I’m trying to be better but it’s not fucking working,” I spit fury. “Wanna know the truth? I’m full of hate and darkness and disgusting memories that haunt me. You’re the first and only person who’s noticed me, by some unbelievable miracle, but my screwed-up mind won’t stop making mistakes. Even though you’re everything to me, I can’t be better for you. And you deserve better than me. You should be with someone . . . normal.” That last word is sour in my ashy mouth and the roiling in my gut returns.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I stumble to my feet and start pacing. Lennon stands too but remains in one spot, watching me meltdown like a freak. The shadows are calling, tempting me with quiet isolation where this trouble doesn’t exist. The shadows are sucking me back in and I’m letting them. This downward spiral could stop if my brain quits playing tricks but at this point, it was too late.
“Please stop. Why are you saying such awful stuff? Don’t you want to be with me?” Lennon calls out.
“Because I’m a fucking loser, Lennon. I can’t do anything right,” I growl.
Her hand flies up to her mouth. “That’s not true. You’ve done so many wonderful things for me. All the extravagant gifts, sweet notes, bagels and coffee, keeping me safe all these years, and so much more. Don’t put yourself down like that.”
Lennon’s words are meant to be soothing but all I hear is static. Each syllable is another reminder of how weird I am, a list of necessary improvements. “Anything good has been wiped away by this.”
“Please don’t twist my words, Ryker. Money has been a touchy subject for me so I reacted poorly at first. After hearing why you paid for part of the studio, I realize how different this is compared to shit with my dad. Next time—” I’m too far gone to listen.
“There won’t be a next time!” I roar. “You’re going to leave because I’m a fucking freak, just like everyone always said. Fuck!” My muscles strain to silence the poison in my system and my feet stomp restlessly on the floor.
“Stop yelling at me! How did this get turned around so you’re mad at me?” She wails loudly, freeing me from the debilitating chains.
My frantic movements come to a sudden stop as I face Lennon. She has tears streaming down her flushed cheeks and her chest is shuddering wildly. The inky black fades from my sight as her trembling sunshine pours through.
“No. No, no, no. I could never be mad at you. I’m furious at myself, for the stupidity and defects that make me an asshole. Everything is getting ruined because I’m not a normal fucking person,” I thunder loudly as my hands ball into painful fists.
“Nothing is ruined, Ryker. We’re okay. Let’s take a timeout for a moment,” her tone wobbles as she swipes at her wet face.
“Please don’t leave me. I’ll do better. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” My voice cracks as the tension seeps out of my system. I’m shaking my head so fast, Lennon is a blur in front of me.
Lennon shuffles forward, tearing through the madness swirling around me.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ryker. You’re wonderful and amazing and everything I’ve always wanted, remember? Don’t ever doubt that.” Her upper half deflates with a huge exhale. “This is just a little spat, like a . . . lover’s quarrel.” She traces her fingers down my trembling hand. “We hash it out, make up, and move on. Just because we have a tiff doesn’t mean this is over between us. I hear this sort of thing happens all the time with couples.” Her shoulders bounce as her nose wrinkles.
“I never want to fight with you.” I expel the fiery chaos searing my lungs.
“This is just another first we had to experience. Sometimes arguments are necessary to work through the tougher stuff. That was mostly just flapping chaps and figuring stuff out.” She explains.
“I want to impress you and don’t know how. I’ve been wrong my entire life and never stood a chance of proving otherwise. I’m different and there’s no changing that.”
“I feel the same way, Ryker. That’s why what we have is special, because we’re different. Something no one else will understand, but maybe that’s the best part. What’s normal anyway? This is a major stepping stone, right? We’ll keep learning together.” Her beaming smile chases away the last storm clouds hovering on the edges of my vision. Lennon is the only one who can drag me from the darkness and keep me safe from the shadows.
I just have to let her.
“Okay,” I murmur. “Together. We have a lot of adventures ahead.” I manage a semblance of a smile and Lennon’s laughter lifts my lips into a full grin.
“I can’t wait for whatever comes next,” she whispers like these experiences are our little secret—and maybe they are.
A large yawn escapes her before she’s able to catch it. I glance at the clock and notice it’s past one in the morning.
“It’s late. Time for bed?”
Lennon nods before walking me out.
“Even with the bumps, this was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. Thank you for everything.”
I couldn’t agree more as my lips peck her satin cheek.
“See you soon, Sunshine.”
After the lock clicks shut and she’s safe, I turn toward my place. At the last minute, I decide to leave her something to find in the morning. I slide the yellow paper through the crack after scrawling a quick note. As I’m straightening to go, the door swings open and Lennon flings herself into my waiting arms.
“I’ll never give up on you, Ryker. Don’t worry,” she murmurs against my neck.
Lennon gives me all the faith I need.
We’re gonna be just fine.