Ryker
I like to picture us as two oddly-formed shapes that no one can decipher, but together, we create something magnificent.
WHEN MY NAME hesitantly spills from her mouth, a mangled exhale chops out of me. I find myself once again stunned by her, but for a far more pronounced reason this time. My feet remain rooted in place yet a distinct tremor rockets through me. Every moment spent hidden in the dark, consumed by shadows, is worth it because of her instant recognition. White spots blot my vision as I replay her voice over and over.
Lennon remembers me?
She must but my congested brain is having an impossible time processing that fact. As her aqua gaze keeps flickering over my face, I stare back and catalogue the expressions taking over her features. Lennon’s light eyes are blown wide open as her jaw hangs slack. Her nostrils flare with heavy breaths that I count to stay grounded in this moment. I’m sure she’s surprised again, like when I revealed that yellow note earlier.
Even though I can’t read people, I’ve studied Lennon. Knowing everything about her, from her favorite food to the variety of ways her lips tilt depending on her mood, is my only purpose in this twisted life. Lennon’s emotions are like a roadmap showing me the way. It makes comprehending her feelings easy, even for a social novice like me.
She sucks in a sharp breath before stammering, “Oh m-my God. It’s really you, Ryker. You’re freaking huge!” Her irises expand before she slaps a hand over her gaping mouth. Red blotches her creamy skin as she continues watching me. The intensity in her aqua pools swallows me and all I can do is tread water while waiting for more. Her trembling fingers slowly move across her blushing cheek. “What did I just say? I'm such an idiot. I just . . . can’t believe you’re him. It’s been you this entire time?” Her head shakes back and forth as her forehead crinkles.
I offer her a nod since my voice has slunk back into hiding.
Lennon blinks and dips her quivering chin without saying anything. She keeps her wise eyes locked on me under lowered lids. My shoes shuffle on the concrete floor as I fight against the tension in my muscles. Is she waiting for me to speak? What am I supposed to say? Does she want me to leave? My brain stalls out as anxiety fills my torso, making it difficult to breathe. My thumb rubs circles against my fingertips as nerves boil higher.
“Are you going to say anything?” Lennon blurts, saving me from a mental breakdown. I need her to take charge of this conversation.
My shoulders lift in a helpless shrug, unsure what she expects. Does she remember anything else other than my name? Such as my nonexistent speech?
We haven’t uttered a word to each other since the day my destiny was set in motion. I had so many questions back then but was riddled with uncertainty. No matter how badly my mouth urged me to utter words of want and desire, I remained silent. Lennon never tried interacting with me either, which made me believe she didn’t like me. Even as a friend. What girl would approach the hulking freak that never talks?
She hums while nodding. “Still the strong and silent type, then?”
Now it’s my turn to give her a wide-eye stare while a slight smile curves her mouth.
“I haven’t forgotten, Ryker. But time changes people so you might have become a chatterbox.” A tinkling giggle accompanies her words and I wonder if that was a joke. “Urgh, sorry. That was lame, and probably insensitive. I’m super nervous and not handling this well. I never talk to guys. Like ever. Do you know that about me? From watching me?” Her soothing tone eases the worry in my veins but the reminder of my stalking habits has my teeth grinding together.
I decide to be honest and give her another nod. But irritation prods at me for being a chicken shit. My eyes clench shut as I force out a muted, “Yes.”
Her lips buzz together as she blows out a huge exhale. “I’m trying to wrap my head around . . . all of this.” She’s waving her arms between us and it seems like she’s beckoning me forward. My feet automatically move to erase some of the distance, until she’s near enough to touch if warranted. Lennon doesn’t appear to mind my proximity but I don’t dare get closer. Not yet.
She looks up at me with a furrow back in her brow. “Why? Tell me why you’ve been following me all this time.”
I gulp down the sand coating my dry mouth before asking, “Are you angry?”
“That doesn’t answer my question but if you’re wondering, I’m more curiously befuddled. Does that make sense? I just don’t get it. And I’d like to understand, Ryker. I really would. You saved me from something awful but never mentioned it again. You all but ignored me after that day in high school. What you did, how you stepped in to help without pause, meant so very much to me. I wanted us to be . . . friends, or at least talk sometimes. Any acknowledgement of my presence would have been nice but I got nothing.” She bites her pouty lip before her eyes narrow into slits. “I know those jerks spread rumors about me but that’s all they were. It was a bunch of assholes telling lies.” Lennon spits the last part.
She’s tossing so much at me that my brain is having difficulty settling on the appropriate reaction. She wanted me to talk to her? She was waiting for me to pay attention? Lennon clearly has no idea that she owns every single piece of me.
But what stands out the most is I know exactly what she means, and that flips something very significant within me.
We have something in common.
For the first time, I’m actually understanding what someone feels without grinding gears to figure it out. That alone lifts a burden that always sinks me down.
We were waiting for each other.
But then I remember what else she said.
Those fucking pieces of shit were picking on my sunshine. Lennon’s words spread a thick layer of dense fury through me. The mention of high school is like an angry fog that’s never far from descending. Knowing she was a victim of their cruelty adds another scorching layer of hate.
I’m ready to find their locations and unleash the venom harbored against them but she jumps back in.
“So, was that it? Did you stay away from me because of their stupid stories? But then why follow me? I don’t get it,” she states.
“I actually know you . . . well, at least I knew who you were. All this time, I’d been convinced a stranger was watching me, and now, I discover it wasn’t a random person at all. Why didn’t you say something sooner? Why did you wait years to show yourself? Why hide from me? Why the secrets? Just . . . why?”
Lennon’s eyes shine with tears as her volume raises with each question. She spins around before standing from the seat. Her fingers spear into her glossy hair as she takes a few steps toward a big window along the back wall. I watch as her back quakes with shuddering breaths. “I’m really upset, Ryker.” She spells it out clear as day so even I can understand.
Yet I find myself shocked silent again. Revealing my deeply ingrained obsession will surely terrify her. I imagine her walking away from me and feel ill. I need to fix this without losing her but how the hell am I supposed to do that?
With Lennon facing away, I can’t concentrate on anything but her shutting me out. A plea is waiting on my lips, ready to beg for her turquoise sea and sunny rays. Cold sweat prickles my skin. Everything aches as I rack my feeble brain for a plan. My heart jolts as I recall her question from this morning and settle on that. It’s a way of telling her how I feel without saying too much.
With a relieved whoosh, I give her one word. “Yes.”
Lennon twirls around in the next breath, sputtering and shaking her head. “Yes to what, Ryker? That doesn’t go along with anything I've been talking about.”
I swallow my fear. “Yes, I like you. A lot.” Those words have been suffocating me, taunting me for keeping quiet, and hopefully sharing them is the right choice.
Her eyes become saucer sized as she stumbles closer. I almost reach out to balance her when she grabs hold of the nearby table. “What did you say?” she whispers.
“You asked earlier. I mean, you asked the hooded stranger, if he liked you. If that’s why he was following you. Well, he is me and yes, I like you.” The explanation tumbles out—no filter or second thought.
Without warning, she leaps toward me. Every instinct within me reaches out to catch her as my arms pull her tight against me. The top of her head meets the ball of my collarbone and it’s a natural fit. My chin rests on her crown as she snuggles into my chest. As a person who’s never liked being touched, I should be uncomfortable with what’s happening but everything I am welcomes her against me, easily and effortlessly, like finding a salve for an untreatable wound.
Just as the last of my festering unease dissipates, Lennon starts pushing away from me. I tighten my hold, nowhere near ready to let her go, as she gasps loudly, “Holy shit, what’s wrong with me? I just freaking mauled you! I’ve never done anything like this, ever!” Her long hair whips around as she jerks back. “All of a sudden something snapped and I flung into you, like an effing rubber band. It was like an out-of-body experience, like some . . . subconscious shit I couldn’t control. Does that sound totally crazy? Oh my God, you must think I’m looney.” Lennon keeps struggling and puts a hand to her creased forehead. I swear this isn’t normal for me. I don’t go around throwing myself at guys—”
I cut her off right there. “Please, stop.”
She does immediately.
“It’s okay, Lennon. I’m perfectly all right with what’s happening here.”
Her bottomless eyes flash at me. “You are? Really?”
“Of course. I’m pretty damn crazy about you so having you here,” I squeeze her gently, “means a lot.”
She murmurs quietly, “I’ve been waiting a long time to hear that. You have no idea.”
“It makes you happy I feel that way?” The answer might be obvious to some but I need her words.
“Very much. I’ve, Ummm . . . never forgotten about you. I had a crush on you in high school.” Lennon groans before turning her face into my shirt. “I’m such a dork. Who just blurts something like that out?” Her question is muffled.
“Well, me. I just did that. Right? I like you and had a . . . crush on you back then too.” What I feel is far more than a simple crush but that’s the term she chose.
Lennon laughs and the sound vibrates through me.
“We’re quite unique. Most people censor what they say and aren’t so open. I’ve always held back but it’s different with you. I kept my feelings secret for so long and now you’re here . . . it makes sense to share it.”
Her words make my body lock up tight. Lennon only knows a portion of my possessive devotion to her. I need to be perfectly typical otherwise.
Lennon pulls back and looks up at me. “What’s wrong?”
Uncertainty pokes at my mind. I don’t know how to describe the thoughts quickly spinning through me. My brain is at war with my heart, pulling me in different directions. I glance away before muttering, “I don’t want to be different anymore.”
“What do you mean? We’ll always be—”
I cut her off with a sharp, “No. I need to be normal.”
Lennon noticeably flinches before pushing further away. She doesn’t look at me while mumbling, “All right. That’s fine. I didn’t mean to offend you or anything.” She laughs but there’s no joy behind it, as though it’s shoved from her lungs. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be different. Guess you don’t feel the same way.” Her tone is flat and dull, lacking the usual vibrancy.
“I don’t understand. Do you want me to leave?” I manage to ask weakly.
She offers a barely-there shrug before tightly wrapping her arms around her waist. Shit, I said the wrong thing. She wants me to go, for real this time. Terror grips my windpipe because I just blew my only chance with her. I can’t go back to the shadows. I won’t survive without her warmth.
Fuck, my lungs are burning.
Black spots dance in my vision. I’m screaming on the inside, flipping my shit, yet outwardly I’m still rooted in place. Don’t take the sunshine away, bubbles in my strangled throat but can’t be voiced in the midst of panic.
“Ryker? Hey, are you alright?” Lennon is standing directly before me but not close enough to cork the erupting hysteria.
Anxiety threatens to crush me so all I can do is shake my head.
I jump when her heated palms cover my shaking fists but the gentle touch is a heated balm to my numb limbs. My crazed stare sears into her calm gaze as she brings me back from the ledge.
“I don’t want you to go, Ryker. You seemed upset so I figured you wanted space. That’s all.” Lennon speaks quietly and her silky tone cocoons me in peace. Her nails softly scratch my forearms and the sensation dives down into my marrow.
This girl is . . . life changing.
She clears her throat. “Can we start over? Like, erase the last thirty minutes?”
Fear of rejection stabs me but I give her honesty. “Holding you in my arms was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t want to pretend that didn’t happen. No way.”
Lennon smiles and bliss spreads outward from my chest. “Just the misunderstanding, not the hug. I don’t want to forget that either.”
I focus on her glistening lips, plump and turned up at the corners. The matching grin feels foreign on my face yet natural for her at the same time. The lingering tension disappears as I get lost in her. “So, what happens now?”