Ryker
Real monsters prefer the black of night, hell-bent on ruin and destruction. All I want is sunshine and light, so what does that make me?
WHEN LENNON BITES her lip and whispers everything, it sounds like a sinful invitation. I mentally switch gears and focus on those implications. My intentions had been respectable when I knocked on the door but her turquoise orbs are full of naughty suggestion. She’s decimating my plans with one word. The filthy thoughts fueling my lust-addled mind makes everything below my belt tighten noticeably. I shift from one foot to the other, trying not to draw attention to my sudden discomfort.
“What does, um, everything mean?” I somehow find just enough braincells to choke out the question.
Lennon hums, “Wanna see?”
Is she serious?
Holy shit, do I ever.
My teeth grind together as a strangled moan trips off my tongue. What’s gotten into her? I thought we were going to talk about the barrier that’s been holding me back from opening up. The bullshit from my past caused an epic freak out after our first date and I don’t want that happening again. But if Lennon wants to hold off for another few hours and explore other options, I’m definitely not going to deny her.
All I do is nod like an idiot and wait for . . . what I’m not sure. Lennon can take charge of this portion of the evening. When she shoves a piece of paper at me with a wide smile, my burning arousal immediately loses steam. She’s clearly been working on our list and the entire page is full of her flowing script. I want to smack my head for leading the charge into horny asshole territory when that’s obviously not what’s on Lennon’s mind.
My eyes sweep slowly down her ideas and I’m not surprised to discover these are all new activities for me. I’m about to compliment her efforts when she tugs me over to the couch.
“I’ve missed you, Ryker. Thanks for coming over,” she says while plopping down on the fluffy cushions.
I sit next to her before placing a soft kiss on her silky cheek.
“I missed you too,” I echo. “But I’m always around. I saw you yesterday at graduation. Congratulations again.” I’ll never forget the sight of her brilliance lighting that stage as she accepted her diploma. Everything within me was cheering for her even if my mouth remained sealed shut.
“I knew you were there but it’s not the same when we can’t talk. I want you to be part of the celebration,” Lennon pouts and my stomach fills with bricks at the thought of her unhappiness.
Our fingers lace together.
“I’m sorry, Sunshine. It’s not the same when other people are around but I’m trying to get better. Yesterday I would have embarrassed you by being awkward and uncomfortable. It was better for everyone that I kept my distance, especially with your parents around.”
“They’re the ones who need to be better.” Lennon scowls. “I shouldn’t be terrified to have my boyfriend around for something so important.”
My gut twitches at her title for me. She looks directly into my soul as she continues, “I’d never be embarrassed of you, Ryker. I hope you know that. If I had my way, you’d be around everywhere I go.” Her accepting words sounds like music to my warped spirit, wiping away years of torment.
“I want that too. Very much. But it’s not that easy,” I admit with a sigh. “I’ve been this way my entire life.”
“You’ve never met anyone else that put you at ease?” she asks quietly.
My head shakes slowly as bitterness loops around my rib cage. “I don’t talk to people, Lennon.” My head shakes slowly. “It’s been far easier to remain silent, aside from the chicken scratch notes needed to get my point across or ordering coffee and a bagel or unintelligible grunts while confronting some asshole. That hasn’t changed since I was young. I don’t like them looking at me, judging me, thinking they know something about me, ready to fling useless advice my way on how to be like everyone else. It’s exhausting being constantly scolded and picked apart so I locked everyone out.”
Lennon’s warm palm slides along my cool wrist when she moves closer.
“It’s not easy for me either and never has been. Mostly because my parents taught me to fear everything with a pulse, especially boys. If it weren’t for Lucy, who they barely approve of, I’d be socially isolated. I didn’t know what a real friend was until college.” She offers a sheepish shrug. “It hasn’t been an easy road but it’s getting better each day. I’m glad you can talk to me.”
“You’re very different for me,” I explain easily. “I’ve never felt the desire to be around others, probably because my own parents shunned me. Made me believe human contact was totally overrated considering I survived the first eighteen years of my life virtually alone. But then you walked into homeroom.” My lips quirk up at the corners, recalling that monumental moment. “You changed my life that day, without even realizing it. Have you ever felt something like that? Suddenly it all makes sense? The suffering and torment is worth it?”
Lennon’s eyes get hazy, as if she’s lost to her memories.
“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.” Her voice sounds far away even though she’s right here with me. “When I walked into that classroom and sat in front of you, nothing else mattered. I clearly did a crappy job showing you but those hours spent near you, silent or not, meant so much to me. I was devastated after school ended, figured I’d never see you again.” Her gaze clears as she searches my features. “Luckily that wasn’t the case, right? The universe tilted and brought us together, two awkward oddballs.”
I can’t control the disdain from locking up my muscles as she uses those words, a deeply ingrained habit. My mind has been strictly instructed to reject the concept of being different, even though I’m well aware of how unusual I actually am. Lennon shouldn’t have to deal with someone flawed and strange but this is me—ab-fucking-normal.
She twists toward me and rests her free hand on my thigh. Our linked fingers find a spot on her knee, which bumps up to my hip. We’re touching enough to quiet the riot boiling in my blood but Lennon has picked up on my mood.
“Can we talk about the issue with being different?” she whispers quietly but her question slams into me like a wrecking ball.
My torso ripples with increasing strain. “Who really wants to stand out, Lennon?” The comeback is a harsh crack in the quiet room and I mutter a soft apology immediately after. “It’s painful to dredge up the garbage in my past, but I’ll do it for you. Maybe leaning on each other won’t be so bad?” I whine like a baby, that’s what this shit does to me as I’m dragged into the rotten memories of my childhood that should never be relived.
“I didn’t mean to force you into this, Ryker. If it’s that awful, we don’t have to talk about the past. I just thought,” she shrugs before her eyes boomerang around the room, “it might be helpful to share the hurt with someone.”
A wheeze climbs my cinched windpipe.
“No one else would ever get this out of me, but you’re the only person who matters. If this sheds some light on why I’m fucked up, it will be worth it.”
Lennon tries to interject as she grips my leg harder but I barrel forward. The rusty gate to my past has been flung open and the grime oozes from my voice.
“My mother and father are the worst type of people, they don’t deserve to be considered parents. Having a child should be a cherished blessing, but to them, I was the bane of their existence. They never let me forget it either. From my earliest memory, maybe four or five years old, their only interactions with me were insulting.” The misery leeches out as my breathing falters. Lennon gulps loudly before scooching closer, giving me her warmth and the strength to continue. “Most of the time, they wouldn’t bother putting their hands on me. Their preferred method of torture was vicious verbal lashings that cut deeper than any knife could. Day in and out, they told me I was different and weird and stupid. It was all my fault for being unlovable. If only I could have been normal, none of that would have happened. They would have treated me like parents are supposed to. They were neglectful and cruel to the worst degree. Even basic needs were my responsibility since they couldn’t waste precious time feeding or bathing a worthless mooch. The only saving grace was they were rarely home since drugs and alcohol were their babies.” I shudder as goosebumps cover every inch of chilled my flesh. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen their faces but the memories appear vivid, like a fresh wound yet to heal.
My voice is robotic as I unravel further. “By the time kindergarten started, I was already tarnished. The odds were stacked against me from the start but it was more than that too. I always assumed something was . . . off with me but couldn’t explain it. I didn’t talk or like looking at others, even the softest touch felt like hot pokers on my skin. My stomach was always a tangle of painful knots, a ticking time bomb following me around. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, believing something was out to get me so each moment was a battle.”
Fat droplets drip down Lennon’s cheeks as she openly cries, not bothering to hide her sorrow. Maybe hers can do the healing mine never could. I tug Lennon closer and she effortlessly collapses against my chest. She gives me strength I never had back then.
“I only went to school for hot meals and to escape my house,” I start again. “Teachers did their best but no one was willing to put in any real effort to reach me, not that it would work anyway. The other kids left me alone since I didn’t bother anyone. We’re all so egocentric at that age, you know?
"Around middle school, that all changed though.” I blow out a deep breath while rubbing my buzzed scalp. “Overnight I became the target everyone sought out. The slight reprieve I’d been surviving in disappeared in a flash. Their taunts and names and jabs were continuous. Freak, moron, creep, loser, psycho, mental . . . Crazy Eyes. Endless and spiteful, day in and out. It didn’t matter that I went out of my way to avoid them and didn’t fight back. Maybe that was part of the issue, they all thought I was a spineless wimp for not defending myself.”
Lennon sniffles and I rest my jaw on her silky hair, absorbing everything good she’s emitting.
“The confusion and awkwardness turned into fury and anger. They tore me apart and I took it out on myself. Why did I let them do this? Why did I have to be different? Why couldn’t I be normal, like them? If I wasn’t so strange and awful, blending into the crowd would be easy. Instead I stuck out like a huge fucking blob, asking for ridicule. I began to wonder what the fucking point of living was. Why not make everyone happy and leave in a very permanent sense.” Lennon gasps so I clutch her tighter.
“The next morning, you walked into homeroom and I found meaning. Just like that.” My fingers snap and I allow the pain to fall away.
My heavy exhale ruffles her glossy locks, like shinny ripples swallowing the shadows.
“You were this perfect beam in all the murky filth I’d been wading through. At first glance, it clicked with me—you were someone I needed. I’d never connected to anyone else. Ever. These new feelings were frightening but I liked it. I clung to the light you gave me and let you pull me from solitary confinement like the greatest blessing. That’s exactly what you were too. You saved me from a world of silence and hurt,” I murmur against her temple before placing a soft kiss there. Lennon bands her arms around me and snuggles deep into the embrace.
This is what peace feels like.
“I greedily absorbed all the warmth reflecting off you. Just being close kept me sane and the pull wound tighter around me until I craved you. Knowing I’d see you the next day kept me breathing through the night. The entire time I was becoming addicted, you were completely oblivious to your monumental impact on my life. But you saw me,” my whisper washes over Lennon and she trembles. “That first smile wrecked me in the best way, as if I wasn’t already gone for you. I’d never be able to leave you alone but that afternoon with Jason changed the game. Suddenly it wasn’t just about that unexplainable connection to you. My mind twisted into believing you needed my protection so keeping you safe became my purpose,” I rasp while my eyes clamp shut, forcing away images of her in danger.
My forehead presses to hers.
“That’s why I can’t ever lose you, Lennon. This is why I cling and stalk and overstep and smother. I’m terrified of scaring you away yet my actions might push you in that direction regardless of what happens.” My vision blurs as I whisper, “Never leave me. I can’t go back to the shadows. I won’t survive alone.” It’s unfair to place that weight on her shoulders but I can’t help the plea from slipping out.
Our upper bodies mold together as we sit in silence, reflecting on my harsh history. My hands circle along her back while her fingers clutch the fabric at my ribs. Lennon’s gentle movements course through me, my erratic heartbeat pounding against hers.
She tilts her face up until our lips barely brush, a soft slide of comfort. When we pull apart, Lennon’s eyes are still weepy and I kiss away the tears. She clears her throat before murmuring, “I’m afraid to say anything without ruining the moment.” Her torso expands with a large inhale. “I can’t even . . . it’s just completely . . .” she starts before pausing. “First of all, thank you. I’m sure that was extremely difficult but your trust means so much to me.”
My breathing hitches while I blink rapidly to clear my vision. When she continues, the sugar in her typical tone is noticeably absent. “I’m furious and horrified and so damn upset that you were treated so poorly for that long. No one deserves to live like that, especially you. What they did is inexcusable. Every single person who’s picked on you is a disgusting stain on society. I can’t imagine what you went through or why you took any blame for what they did. How are your parents not in jail?” Lennon grinds out through clenched teeth.
“I never said anything or turned them in because the evil I knew was better than the unknown. Foster homes and the system were no better. My mother and father were horrible but at least I knew what to expect from them.” Grit coats my mouth.
“You’re a wonderful man with a beautiful soul and my life is so much better with you in it,” Lennon’s soothing words smooth my ragged edges.
My pulse jackhammers as I stare into her aqua gaze. “I can’t believe you’ve agreed to date me, that you’re my girlfriend. You’ve given me a life I never dreamed possible. I’m not battered by anxiety or brimming with hate. I’m . . . happy.” I’m startled by the realization at first but the declaration gains momentum quickly as a real smile curves my lips. “For the first time, I feel normal. And it’s all thanks to you.”
Lennon’s hiccupping sob snags my attention and my eyes expand at her fresh tears. “Gah, I’m crying again. Sorry, sorry,” she apologizes while fanning her face. “You’re so sweet, Ryker. I’m the lucky one, you have no idea. Together, we’re our own normal. You get me and I understand you. We may not fit in with the masses but why would we want to? We get to be ourselves. I’m here, with you, because of who you are. We fit. No matter how anyone else defines us. Are you with me?” she asks while shaking my arms and bouncing in place.
“I’m always with you, no need to ask.” My fingers stroke along her soft skin as I clear my throat. “How are you doing that? Just accepting me for who I am, after everything I’ve done?”
“Something deep inside me explains the how and why, like the purest gut instinct.” Lennon taps her stomach. “I just know everything you did wasn’t malicious or selfish or misguided. I’m your purpose and there’s nothing better than that,” she rapidly explains.
Joy blasts under my skin. “You’re the greatest gift, Sunshine. I’ll never take you for granted and will spend every moment cherishing all you give me.” I feel like flying. “No more misery or sorrow, all right? We’ve had enough of that.”
After a heavy exhale I ask, “What’s first on our summer list?”
Lennon’s eyes widen before she twists to snatch the discarded paper. She gives it a quick glance and chuckles.
“Mini golf.”
An unexpected laugh bursts from me, a deep boom that echoes. The unfamiliar sound is foreign to my ears but makes complete sense for the occasion.
Well, there’s another first.