Lennon
I’ll believe for both of us.
“RYKER!” I CALL out but he keeps moving further away.
His retreat doesn’t pause and sorrow hijacks my thoughts. Why the hell did I reprimand him for defending me? What the hell is wrong with me? Shame scorches my scalp as tears trickle from my lashes. A twitch attacks my hands, desperate to hold him, but he’s refusing my touch. I lashed out for the first time in my life and it was directed toward the very last person who will never deserve it.
What effing twilight zone did I get dropped into?
The hollow glaze masking Ryker’s ocean eyes is really freaking me out. The desolate indifference reminds me of how he looks at everyone else, but never me. At least until this moment. He’s withdrawing from me and the loss pangs inside me.
“Ryker, please!” I try again, regardless of the hopeless feeling slithering up my spine.
Even in the summer heat, my teeth chatter from a gust of frosty wind that seems to swirl around my chilled form.
My sandals slap the pavement as I begin following him.
“Be serious, Lennon!” My mother’s shrill cry stops me in my tracks. “We knew you’d find a boyfriend eventually but not like that behemoth. There’s no way you actually expect us to approve of him.”
I spin on my heel and stomp toward them. Anger like I’ve never experienced before streaks up my legs and races into my hollow gut, successfully burying me deeper in frigid numbness. The fury festers and spreads as my eyes narrow on their stern faces. Sharp and jagged icicles rise around me, hardening my backbone for what needs to happen. I’ve never stood up to my parents, all the unleashed hurt they’ve caused has been silently stewing inside. For years I’ve let them rule me but treating Ryker poorly is the last straw.
“You both need to leave. Now,” I demand as my arm sweeps to the open road. Their stern features melt into expressions of concern but I’m too far gone. “How can you say such horrible things without even knowing him? Why? Your shallow accusations are disgusting,” my voice is a rolling rumble.
Everything they’ve said is awful, but I’m the one to blame for turning this into an epic disaster. My throat burns with bile.
I need to fix this.
“Sweetie, listen to us. We know what’s best, and that man is not it.” My mother attempts to use a soothing tone but it falls flat. All I hear is static at this point, a broken record going round and round. “Let’s go somewhere quiet to chat about your future. Maybe you’d like to come work at the firm after all? Give this designing business a rest for a bit? Clearly staying here has not been in your best interest,” she says as she wrinkles her nose.
“I can’t believe this.” I swallow several times as my fingers spear into my hair, clutching hard at the roots. “Are you two for real? How about what I want? Do you care about me at all?”
I look between them and find nothing but scrutiny staring back. My face tilts skyward, asking for understanding from them. Hoping beyond hope that the people who raised me are better than this. Even in these moments of extreme distress, neither one reaches for me or offers comfort—not that it really matters since Ryker’s touch is all I want.
How are these my parents?
I shake my head in dismay as they continue quietly staring at me.
“Never mind, don’t bother answering any of that. I’m not going to keep standing here, pointlessly arguing, while the man I love is suffering.” My voice cracks thinking of Ryker walking away. “He’s my priority and always will be moving forward.” My palm shoots out when my father tries piping in. “My time listening to you is over. If you’d like to apologize for the damage you’ve caused, maybe we’ll try talking later.” With that, I’m officially done—at least until they’re ready to change.
As I stride off in the direction Ryker went, realization slams into me and my steps falter. Dammit, I should have known better. I caused all of this to happen. I’m such an idiot for snapping at him that way. All he was doing was trying to protect me and I shut him down. He had my back but I didn’t have his. I’ve let him down in the worst way when we needed to stick together.
Shit, I’m the worst.
Fuck. How do I fix this?
I just promised to keep reassuring him of my devotion until he truly believed me but at the first test I failed. He’s taking my harsh response as a forever betrayal against him, the rejection he’s been predicting all along. I should never talk to him that way.
But it’s more than me holding back impulsive reactions. I didn’t want to rock the boat or tear up the resolved agreement we’d come to after our disagreement with the studio rent. All along I’ve been aware of his resistance. Ryker placed his fear of abandonment and insecurities under my nose but I didn’t do a good enough job making him believe in my love. If we can’t move past his fear of me leaving him, we’ll never survive and that isn’t an option.
I’ve been so wrapped up in planning fun adventures and the most vital first of all has been forgotten. My love for him needs to shine bright, like the sunshine he calls me. I need to ensure he feels cherished, wanted, adored . . . everything he’s been starved of his entire life. My palm rests on my forehead as I take a shaky breath.
Why the hell am I still standing here?
It’s my turn to pursue him for a change. It’s a special way to reach Ryker that he’ll understand. I snag a few necessary items from the truck before dashing across the lot. I pause halfway after realizing writing while walking isn’t working. My hands get busy as my mind works double time to create unique phrases. Once my stack is complete, I continue tracing his path at a rapid rate. When I round the building, my fast pace stops short as my lungs seize.
Ryker’s massive form is crumpled on the ground with his back against the brick wall. His handsome face hides behind his hands, as though his old black hood is shielding him from view yet he’s out in clear sight. I settle beside him on the grassy lawn, giving him about a foot between us if he still wants space.
I clear my throat before whispering, “I’m so sorry, Ryker. I feel awful for what just happened and it’s all my fault—”
“Go back to your family, Lennon.” Ryker’s voice is a despondent mumble.
“I’m looking at him,” automatically drops from my lips and the truth clangs through me.
He scoffs.
“I mean it. You should leave. I’m no good for you.”
“I’m not going anywhere. If you’re here, so am I. If I say you’re the best, the greatest of all, would you believe me?”
Ryker flinches slightly but remains hidden by his palms. “I’m bad fucking news, Lennon. Seems like you’re finally starting to realize it too. I’m better off alone. That’s what I’m used to, right?” The growl is fierce and sharp, a tone I haven’t heard from him before.
I push forward, desperate for him to hear me beyond the layers of pain.
“I completely understand you walking away from me after my shitty behavior but that doesn’t mean we’re done. Not even a little bit. We’re going to solve this once and for all. I’m never giving up on you.”
“I won’t drag you down anymore. I’m nothing, a total loser. Remember what they called me in school? I’m a freak, Lennon. A crazy eyed creep who will only wreck you. Anything else I say right now won’t be good. There’s been enough damage already. Go back with your parents where you’re safe,” he bites out with grit and venom. His self-deprecating jabs are like bullets to the chest, puncturing my skin and making me bleed.
My eyes sting as I ask, “Is that really what you want? What you actually think?”
“It doesn’t matter what I say. You’re going to leave regardless.”
I sniff away the emotion clogging my throat. “That’s not true, Ryker. Please don’t push me away.”
“Too fucking late.” His wrist jiggles, spinning the bracelet I made him, as he asks, “Want this back?”
“That’s something special for you,” I answer quietly, trying to hide the hurt slicing into me.
“I don’t deserve it,” he rapidly retorts.
Ryker is beside me but seems miles away. This isn’t my man. The savage misery has imprisoned him and I’ve gotta break him out.
“We love each other and belong together. Nothing you say will come between that—”
“Stop!” His roar ricochets through me but I don’t follow his command.
Tears pool in my eyes as I choke out, “I’m so sorry, Ryker. I’ve ruined everything and failed you. Just the other day you asked me to always be there, walking with you, supporting you. At the first bump in the road, I’ve let you down and did this to us.” I hiccup before grabbing the stack of notes by my hip.
“I choose you, Ryker.” I read the first one and place it on his thigh. His leg twitches from the tickle of yellow paper.
“I want you, Ryker,” I sob as the little square sticks to his knee. He scrubs down his face before peeking over at me, his ocean irises glistening with raw emotion.
In rapid succession, I set down message after message, my hoarse tone echoing the messy scrawls.
“You’re all I’ve ever wished for.”
“I’ll never leave you.”
“You are a good man, Ryker.”
“Don’t be afraid to fall with me.”
“Together we’re whole.”
“I love you, Ry.”
“Thank you for keeping me safe.”
“I believe in us.”
“You’re my fantasy.”
“Ry + Sunshine = 4EVA.” That one earns me a dimple in his cheek.
The final one trembles in my fingers as I hand it to him.
“The sun wouldn’t exist without the sky and moon and stars. Say you’ll always be mine.”
Ryker’s brow rolls against his forearm as he turns to face me, a haze hindering my view his blazing blues. “You didn’t let me protect you,” he manages with a choppy exhale.
I curl my body around him, no longer caring if he’ll push me away. Instead Ryker’s arms cinch around me. We huddle close as I blab out a variety of gibberish along the lines of I love you, this is forever, I’m so sorry, please forgive me, I’ll do better, don’t be afraid, and come back to me. My grip clenches on his shoulders as he drags me tighter against his chest. Matching sniffles and murmured affections are exchanged in the small space as we cling together.
“Did you know I dream of your eyes?” I say after gaining a hint of composure. Ryker’s wide orbs flicker to me before dodging away. “Your endless blues are like ocean waves I’m desperate to drown in. I could easily stare into your soulful depths and surrender to those restless tides,” I share, recalling pieces of my favorite images. “Your irises are so much more than a simple color. There’s a multitude of layers fighting for attention. What I see is swirling rapids covering a calm stream that’s surrounded by the dark midnight sea. I saw those things even while you hid from me,” I admit with a sigh. “Now I get the real deal each day.”
“My Sunshine,” he groans, clutching me with all his might, as if still afraid I’ll take off at any moment.
I tuck my face deeper into the crook of his neck, the tears soaking my cheeks making them stick to his shirt. He smells like evergreen comfort and woodsy warmth, as if I’m near the crackling campfire again. Wrapped in his arms, the ice in my veins melts away and bubbling warmth flows through me. With a calming breath, I give him more. “We're made for each other, no matter what, and I've done a shitty job reassuring you. I didn’t control everything that happened over there,” I explain while blindly pointing over my shoulder, “and I take full responsibility for making it worse. I should have let you stand up for me, for us, but my past got in the way too. Those are my parents and I’ve always let them rule me so out of spineless habit, I tried stopping you from stepping in. Maybe as an attempt to shield you from their wrath or I was being a typical chicken shit, who knows. But no more.
“I love you and that’s most important. They’ll always be part of my genetic make-up but you’re what truly brings me to life. Nothing comes between us,” I grasp the fabric over his heart before nuzzling deeper into his embrace. “I can’t survive without you, Ry. If I’m your sunshine then you’re my sky. There can’t be one without the other. Please never shut me out,” I beg.
Ryker’s palms scoop me by the rear before depositing me on his lap, immediately folding me into a tightly-knit hug. “I love you, Sunshine. I’d never last without your warmth but they’ll never approve of me. Can you really live with that?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation. “What I can’t live with are the shadows lurking around us. We gotta put them to bed once and for all, yeah?” My jaw quivers with his shuddering exhale.
“Please tell me what to do,” his broken plea cramps my stomach because for a moment, I picture his much younger self searching for support but everyone turns him away.
I stroke through his short scruff, my nails scratching against the coarse hair.
“There are times we might not agree on everything. Strange, right?” I huff out a short laugh and he presses a soft kiss to my temple. “I’m capable of being a brat once a month but my mood doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m here, one hundred percent in. You’ll always have me and I’ll try to prove it each day. But you’ve gotta have faith in me, Ry. You’ve gotta give me the benefit of the doubt sometimes.”
“I always believe you,” he says in a low timbre.
A soothing hum shimmies up my throat. “You’ve made it apparent how much you care for me but what about trusting that someone loves you? Wants to dote and spoil you for change? That’s something you’ll have to work on accepting but I’ll do my best to relieve any stress. Giving yourself permission to be vulnerable after a life of hurt seems scary but we’ve gotta give more power to our connection by letting that guard down. I want us to be confident in our relationship, no matter what unexpected twists arise. There’s no end for us, only new beginnings that will test our strength at times. Together we’ll conquer all,” I breathe along his throat and watch as my words cause goosebumps to rise.
Ryker shifts slightly, eliminating any space between us as our bodies melt into one clumped mass of energy. “I go where you go, always. No more doubt,” he whispers into my hair.
“Only joy and celebration,” I respond.
His lips twitch against my brow. “I’ve been waiting for you my entire life.”
“You’ll never be alone again.”
“Thank God for that. I’m ready to start our life, for real this time.” Ryker blows out a heavy breath.
I repeat his familiar phrase, the short statement packed with special meaning.
“Watch me follow.”