Chapter Twenty
Noelle could feel his eyes on her before she saw him. No one could make goose bumps form along her skin or the hairs stand on the back of her neck without even touching her except James. Seeing him at the gallery tonight had stunned her to the point where she couldn’t function. If Paul had not come along and practically pulled her away from where she’d stood, Noelle would still be rooted to the spot.
He looked every bit as handsome as she remembered. But there were also subtle differences to his appearance. He wore his hair slightly longer than she remembered and his face looked slightly gaunt denoting a recent weight loss. One thing that hadn’t changed was how intensely his stare seared right through her. As he held her under his gaze, just like that Noelle became the same weak-kneed girl she’d been upon their first meeting.
Only when Paul ushered her away was she able to breathe again. After hyperventilating in the bathroom for several minutes she was determined to make a quick exit from the party. She made her apologies to Paul who offered to take her home, but she knew how much this gallery opening meant to their business so she made him promise to stay behind.
She was almost out the door when James’s hand fell on her shoulder. His touch practically scorched her skin. Noelle couldn’t turn around. She didn’t have the courage to face him. She’d imagined this scenario in her head over and over again where she’d be confident enough to tell him to fuck off but instead she was trembling like a leaf.
Mustering up enough bravado as she could, Noelle took a deep breath and shook his hand off her shoulder, forcing her legs to move until she was outside. Noelle only stopped when she was several feet away from the building. The scent of James’s cologne wafted to her nostril. He smelled so damn good. She silently prayed for the strength to make it through this confrontation without making a total fool of herself.
“Hello, Noelle.”
She’d forgotten how his dulcet tone made her shiver. Slowly she turned to face him. “James, what a surprise.” She forced herself to sound nonchalant even though she felt far from it.
“Yes, it is.” He hesitated in his response almost as if he didn’t know what to say to her. “You look, well, beautiful actually.”
When they had been lovers a compliment like that would have been enough to melt her, however she remembered the drop dead gorgeous redhead at his side. Squaring her shoulders, she raised her chin and met his gaze. “So does your fiancée. Shouldn’t you be in there with her? Heaven forbid you’re seen in public with me.”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Say out loud what you never actually did but showed me in every way possible? I wasn’t good enough then so don’t come to me now like we’re old buddies with things to catch up on. I’m not even sure why you followed me out here.”
“I…I wanted to see you.”
“Right, because it doesn’t matter what I want even if that’s to be left alone. James, I just can’t with you. I’m going to walk away now and I don’t want you to follow me.” She attempted to leave while she still had the will, but James caught her arm in his grasp.
“Let go,” she hissed getting angry. How dare he even approach her when his fiancée was still inside? “Aren’t you forgetting someone?”
“Eleanor isn’t the jealous type.”
At the mention of his fiancée’s name, she found the strength to yank her arm out of his grip. “Just leave me alone.”
“Noelle, I just wanted to say—”
“I don’t want to hear it. Whatever you have to say, save it.” She tried to walk away when he called out to her.
“I’m sorry.”
She was tempted to keep walking but pivoted to face him again. Those two simple words should have given her the closure most women could only hope for at the end of a failed relationship. Instead it pissed her off. She saw red. "And what exactly are you sorry for, James?”
“For the way things ended.”
“Oh,” she snorted. “Just sorry for that? Not for making me feel like I wasn’t good enough to be seen in public with you? Not for treating me like dog shit every time you came by the penthouse? I know I walked into our arrangement with my eyes wide open and I was foolish to think…well that doesn’t matter now. But I deserved to be treated with a little respect. I have feelings and I’m not going to let you stand there and give me some half-assed apology to assuage your guilt. Take your ‘I’m sorry’ and shove it up your ass.” Still functioning on rage, she turned around and stalked away. Only when she was inside her car did the tears come.
Finally she was able to say the things she’d been holding in for so long, but the pain refused to go away. It wrapped itself around her and squeezed tight. Once she was inside of the bakery van, she lost it. Tears streamed down her face as body racking sobs burst from her mouth. She rested her head against the steering wheel and cried until her throat ached.
And even though she’d finally told him off, it killed Noelle to know she wasn’t over him.
Noelle’s outburst didn’t hide the underlying hurt James had heard in her voice. It hurt him that he’d done that to her. The joy and light he’d seen in those pretty brown eyes when he’d first met her was gone. As she laid into him about his treatment of her, he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her tight until all the pain was gone. He had wanted so badly to hold her but knew she wouldn’t accept his embrace. James hated himself for denying the truth he’d known all along but wasn’t brave enough to admit. He’d fallen for Noelle. Hard.
He had been too much of a coward to act on his feelings, and now he only had himself to blame for the predicament he found himself in. He wished he’d been brave enough then to tell her how he’d felt instead of punishing Noelle for his feelings. She was one of the few genuine people he’d met in a long time and he had destroyed her. For once in his life, James didn’t know how to fix it.
He didn’t know how long he stood outside before he felt a tap on his shoulder. Eleanor had come looking for him and from the disheartened look on her face, he was almost sure she had heard bits of the conversation he’d had with Noelle.
His suspicious were confirmed as he drove her to the hospital. Halfway there, Eleanor broke the awkward silence hanging between them. “James, that woman you were talking to outside, I remember where I saw her from.”
At first he didn’t answer. He didn’t know what he could say. In the end all he could say was, “Oh?”
“Some months back when we were dining at Isabella’s, I saw her in the bathroom. I couldn’t place her at first because she wore her hair different and wore a lot more makeup. I remember admiring her necklace.”
“I see.”
“She was crying. Now, I may not be a genius on the level of Steven Hawking but I can put two and two together. You were involved with her. And I’m guessing she saw us in the restaurant together and it upset her. I also surmise that things must have ended for you shortly after we announced our engagement because you changed somehow. I could tell you were relieved when we decided to postpone the wedding. James, I knew this would be a marriage of convenience when I agreed to marry you but this just isn’t going to work is it?”
This conversation did nothing to assuage his guilt. If anything it made it worse. Not only had he hurt Noelle, but he’d hurt Eleanor. Could he be any more of a fuck-up? With a heavy sigh, he found a safe spot to pull over.
Once he cut the engine off, James unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face Eleanor who remained stoic in the face of the deterioration of their engagement. “Eleanor, I don’t know where to begin but I owe you an explanation.”
“I knew there would be other women, James. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
“But I do, because when I asked you to marry me, I was making a promise to you. I thought we could work because you were the embodiment of the ideal wife. In my own warped mind I never expected you to be more than a pretty arm piece. I know that’s a bunch of misogynistic bullshit but that was my thought process when we first met. You were supposed to be the last piece of the puzzle to complete the image I wanted to project to the world, but I have a dark side, one I didn’t think any high society wife would tolerate. I enjoy sex. Lots of it. And I’ve been told quite often how dominate and rough I am in bed. So I took mistresses. I set them up in one of my properties and saw to their financial needs, and in return they would provide me with all the hardcore sex I required.” He paused for a moment to gauge Eleanor’s reaction.
Eleanor trembled slightly, but James couldn’t tell if it was from distaste or excitement. Her gaze was unwavering, and her expression gave nothing away so he wasn’t sure what she was thinking.
When she remained silent, James continued. “In my mind, the kind of wife I wanted wouldn’t enjoy my brand of sexual pleasure. I felt whoever she was would be disgusted and blame my humble beginnings for acting like such an animal.”
“But that’s outrageous. You’d be surprised what some of these so-called society women are into. Why would you think you’d be judged on your sexual performance?”
“It’s happened before, but I won’t bore your with details. Eleanor, you guessed right. That woman you saw, her name is Noelle. She and I were lovers.”
“Your mistress?”
“Yes. No. She was more than that. She was very sweet and shy and has a smile that lights up the entire room up. I wanted that light for myself the minute I laid eyes on her, but I was too stubborn to admit I felt more for her than any of the other lovers I’d set up in similar arrangements. Hearing that you actually encountered her on one of our dates and how she was upset makes me feel like an even bigger bastard than you probably think I am. I kept pushing her away and finally I pushed so hard, she’d had enough. This is the first time I’ve seen her in about eight months. But from the looks of it, she’s moved on. With my former employee no less,” he finished with a painful lump in his throat. James pounded his hand against the wheel in his frustration as he remembered how comfortable Paul had been putting his arm around Noelle.
“James, there’s no need to beat yourself up over this. You’re in love. Nothing trumps that, right? And if it makes you feel any better, from the looks of things, I don’t think she’s moved on as far as you think. She couldn’t take her eyes off of you either. I’d say there are some lingering feelings there.” Eleanor reached over and patted him on the shoulder in a comfortable gesture, making him feel like an even bigger asshole. Here he was breaking up with her and she was the one offering him comfort and giving advice.
“Shit. I’m sorry, Eleanor. The last thing I want to do is cause you embarrassment so however you want to handle this I’ll take your lead. If you want to say you broke up with me or if you need compensation for all the time you spent planning this wedding, it’s yours.”
She drew back slightly, licking her red tinted lips. “Um…actually. I was hoping you would say something along those lines,” she said hesitantly.
“Eleanor you can ask me anything. I never intended for you to walk away from this with nothing.”
“James, I…I have a confession of my own to make. You see…I’ve been having reservations about this wedding for a while myself, even before my father fell ill, but I’ve been thinking about my future a lot lately because of it. I know the precarious state of my father’s company. It’s on the verge of collapse, even more so now that his condition is uncertain. I was supposed to be their key to saving the company, but not in the way they expected.” Eleanor paused with a sigh. A far off look entered her emerald gaze.
"I’m not sure I follow.”
She glanced out the window for several silent seconds and when she finally turned to face him again, there was something different in her expression. Anger. “They expected me to marry well, we both know that, but James, I’m not some empty headed decoration. I attended Yale. I have an MBA. I’m a member of Mensa. Did you know that about me, James?”
He knew Eleanor was well-educated and had graduated from Yale Summa Cum Laude. He’d had her thoroughly investigated before he began courting her. But he’d made the assumption she’d simply gone to school like most women of her background did, to get their “Mrs. degrees”. It had never occurred to him that her accomplishments had meant anything to her and she’d never given any indication otherwise. “I did.”
“Well, I didn’t go to college to be some man’s empty-headed trophy wife, but that’s exactly what my father expected me to be. You see I’m not the son my father hoped for but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be an asset to them. From the time I could walk and talk it was drilled in my head what my duty was. My father had no problem allowing me to attend college but I fought tooth and nail to attend Grad school. He only agreed because I threatened to apply for grants and scholarships and that would have been an embarrassment to the family. Once I received my degree, however, he made it clear no daughter of his would work a nine to five. I even begged him to let me work for Harrington’s but he felt I should spend my days shopping and hosting charity events alongside my mother. And when my sister Christiana refused to toe the line, their focus on me doing the right thing almost became an obsession with them. James, I know how badly Harrington’s is bleeding right now. I’ve read the papers and have gone through my father’s business documents. I have fresh ideas that could help the company but my father never wanted to hear them. You have no idea how many men my parents have pushed my way in hopes I’d choose one who could basically save Harrington’s and keep them in their lavish lifestyle. I never wanted to marry any of them.”
“So why did you agree to marry me?” James asked softly.
Eleanor moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue. “Because I knew you weren’t really interested in me. I mean, you went through the motions but I knew you were only marrying me for the name and I actually liked you, James. You weren’t a snooty asshole like most of the men I dealt with and I thought the two of us could get along. I figured, if I played my cards right, you might even allow me some latitude in joining your company or perhaps taking a hand in helping Harrington’s. At the very least I believed you’d allow me to start up my own business. Despite your reasons for wanting to marry me, you didn’t strike me as someone who’d treat me like a mindless idiot. I’ve seen my father talk down to my mother all my life, and she seemed perfectly okay with that as long as she was kept in the latest designer fashions and her credit cards remained limitless. To be perfectly honest…” she took a deep breath but didn’t finish.
When the silence stretched to an uncomfortable tension within the car, James gently prompted Eleanor, knowing she wanted to get something off her chest but couldn’t find the words. “Please go on. This is a no judgment zone.”
“I’m trusting you to keep this next part to yourself.”
“Of course, what’s said in this car stays here.”
She gripped his hands, her eyes wide and an air of desperation clung to her.
"Yes. I swear on my grandfather’s grave.”
“I’m going to trust your grandfather actually meant something to you for you to make that statement, so here it goes. I never wanted to get married: at least not to a man.”
James furrowed his brows instantly understanding her meaning. “You’re gay?”
She nodded. Her eyes welled with tears. “That was like pushing a boulder off my chest. I’ve never told a soul but I’ve always known I was different even when I was little girl, all my friends were fantasizing over the latest teen idols while I had a crush on my ballet instructor. I knew it was something I could never confess to anyone so I tried to be what my parents wanted. I really tried. I enjoy fine living just as much as anyone else, but I envisioned myself either working alongside my father or in some other Fortune 500 company, building my own portfolio and thereby negating the need to marry and depend on a man. Barring that, I thought I could be the wife you wanted, but since my father’s heart attack, I’ve done a lot of thinking.” She released his hands to fold them in her lap.
“I realize just how tenuous my position is. My father is in no condition to run the company. The board is already in talks of who the next successor should be and there are even talks of liquidation. I don’t want to see that happen. I’m working to get power of attorney for Daddy’s business affairs, which is currently in the hands of an executor who I don’t believe has Daddy’s best interests at heart. Once I get power of attorney, my shares, along with my parents’, will be enough to take over the board, and I intend to appoint myself as the next CEO. I’d like your help.”
James didn’t know what to say at first. He wished he would have known about this sooner. It bothered him that she’d suffered in silence. Not seeing Eleanor’s dilemma only compounded the mistakes he’d made lately. “Eleanor, you seem to have put a lot of thought into this.”
“I have to think of my father. If the company goes bankrupt our stock is worth nothing. We’ve been living on credit for years and our bills are going to catch up with us soon. My father will need round-the-clock medical care for God knows how long, and my mother hasn’t worked a day in her life. She’ll be lost if someone can’t provide for them. If you can help me, perhaps guide me through this whole process while I find my legs, I’d be so grateful.”
Her request wasn’t unreasonable. It was the least he could do. “Of course I’ll help. Will you be able to handle the medical expenses for your father?”
“He still has first-rate medical insurance so that shouldn’t be a problem while he’s in the hospital. Thank you so much.” To his surprise she wrapped her arms around his neck and began to cry; he could only imagine how it must have been for her holding in her secret, and the relief it was for her to finally get it out.
Eventually she pulled back with a sniff and wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry about that. But you’re the first person I could be honest with.”
“Maybe one day I won’t be the only person you can be honest with.”
“I hope so. One day.” She sniffed again. “I guess I should give this back to you,” she attempted to remove her engagement ring but James covered her hand with his.
“Keep it. Do whatever you like with it.”
“Thank you. You know, James, I think we may actually become friends.”
James smiled. “I’d like that.”
“Good. Since we’re friends, can I offer you a little friendly advice?”
“Depends on what that advice is,” he chuckled.
“I’ve lived this lie most of my life and I’ve been miserable. If you can find a way to be happy in this sorry existence we call life, go grab it, hold on tight and never let go. And remember, sometimes what we think we want isn’t what we need. Go find that girl and do whatever you have to do to get back into her good graces.”
“And if I fail?”
“Then at least you can say you tried. Failure is a better than wondering ‘what if.’”
More than anything James wanted to do exactly that, but he wondered if he’d damaged things with Noelle beyond repair.