Chapter Twenty Five
James couldn’t make it out of his office fast enough. After a long day, the last thing he’d expected was a call from Noelle. When he was informed the person calling his personal line was Noelle, he thought he’d misheard his secretary at first. He was pretty sure it was his imagination until he actually answered the phone and heard her voice. Noelle wanted to meet him in one hour and suggested the deli that they’d gone to on the night they had met.
He eagerly agreed and wasted no time shutting down his computer and rushing to his destination. He made it to the deli within a half hour of her call and waited anxiously for her to arrive. James wasn’t sure why she wanted to see him, but he was just happy to see her in any capacity.
James eyed his watch impatiently and shifted in his seat several times as he waited for Noelle to arrive. Relief assailed him when she walked into the deli. She wore a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that displayed the logo of her bakery. It was apparent that she’d just left work. Her tight curls clung to her head like a halo, and her eyes were large and luminous.
As she approached, she neither smiled nor frowned, keeping her expression neutral. She slid into the seat across from him. “Hi, James. Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.” Her voice was hesitant.
“When I said I was just a call away if you needed me, I meant it. I’m glad to see you again.” He balled his fists in his laps to keep himself from reaching across the booth and touching her. “So what can I help you with?”
She cleared her throat as she broke eye contact with him. She twiddled her thumbs in a nervous gesture. “Actually, it’s how we can help each other.”
“I’m not sure if I follow.”
“I think it’s time for us to have the talk we should have had a long time ago. I started telling you at the hospital but I guess I kind of made a fool of myself jumping to conclusions like that.”
“If I had been in your shoes I probably would have made the same mistake. But I swear, Eleanor is just a friend.”
“Apparently a good one. She came to the bakery and spoke on your behalf.”
He groaned out loud. The last impression he wanted to give to Noelle was that he needed someone else to fight his battles. “Believe it or not I didn’t send her.”
“I know. She made it quite clear you didn’t. She’s nice. She probably would have made you a good wife.”
“She would have made me a great wife, actually. But there’s just one problem. She’s not you.”
Noelle’s eyes widened. “James…”
“It’s true, Noelle. The problem is, I only wish I’d had the courage to tell you when I had the chance instead of hurting you the way I did.”
She bit her bottom lip and looked away again. “I’m not really sure what to say to that. Last year it would have been everything to hear you say that to me but I’m not the same person I was. I like who I’ve become and I don’t want to go back but it’s important for me to tell you why I was the way I was, that is if you have the time to listen.”
“For you, I have all the time in the world.”
A slight smile tilted her luscious lips; he so badly wanted to kiss them. James managed to get his body under control so that he could listen to what she had to say.
The silence between them lengthened as Noelle fidgeted in her seat. He imagined she was trying to find the right words to say. Finally, she began. “I’m still a work in progress, but when I look back on myself from when we were in the middle of our arrangement, and way before then, I can see how pathetic I was.”
He wouldn’t stand for anyone talking bad about her, even Noelle herself. “Noelle, you were far from pathetic. I saw a sweet, gentle woman who was probably a little unsure of herself but you had a warmth about you that a guy like me wants to bask in. As I got to know you better, I found you to be compassionate and genuine, a rare commodity these days, it seems.”
“That’s nice of you to say, James.”
“It’s the truth. Sorry for the interruption but I needed to get that out in the open.”
“Thanks. I’m not really sure where to start, and I don’t want to bore you with all the details that are probably better left in the past, but when we first met my self-esteem was fragile. I was so starved for love I latched on to the first person who made me feel…wanted.” She broke off. “I’m not doing a good job of explaining myself.” She laughed nervously
James threw caution to the wind and reached across the table and captured her hand in his. He saw it as a positive sign when she didn’t pull her hand away. “You’re doing a fine job so far.” He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb, unable to resist the temptation.
“I wasn’t always like this in case you wondered. When my mom was alive she always managed to make me feel loved and special. I’m not sure if it was because my father died before I was born and she tried extra hard, but whatever reason, I always knew my mom loved me. But then she died. That’s who Paul and I named the bakery after, by the way. Her name was Dorothy Bea but most people called her Dot. You would have liked her. There wasn’t a person my mom couldn’t charm.” A smile flitted across Noelle’s lips.
“If she was anything like you, I’m sure I would have.”
Noelle lowered her eyelids, hiding her thoughts from him. “As you can imagine, it was devastating for me to lose her. One day we were making cupcakes in the kitchen and the next day she was gone. She was my best friend and I still miss her so much.”
James could feel her sorrow. He felt the same way when his grandfather had died, his one and only champion. “It was like no one else would ever love you the way that person did, right?”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“We’re not as different as you think, but go ahead. Tell me more about your mom.”
Noelle smile seeming to find joy in her mother’s memory. “She was such a beautiful person inside and out. She was really smart and always had something nice to say. We’d do a lot of fun stuff together, like going to the beach or the library or the park. My favorite moments though were on Sundays, when we’d bake. She’d create the most amazing things. Most of the recipes I use now came from her.
“So when she died, her death shattered me. I was hustled off to live with an aunt I barely knew. She was my mom’s older sister. Mom never mentioned Aunt Frieda much except to say they didn’t always see eye to eye. I remember the first thing my aunt said to me on the day I went to live with her. She said, she was only doing her Christian duty and hopefully I don’t turn out to be a heathen like my mother.”
James wished she was exaggerating but he knew firsthand how vicious people could be. “That’s pretty awful.”
Noelle shrugged. “That’s not the worst thing she’s ever said to me. My aunt lived with her husband Sylvester who was quite a bit older than her, and her two sons from her second marriage, and Simone from her first.”
“So Sylvester was her third husband?”
“According to Simone, Sylvester was her fifth and they’re still together. Sylvester is a pastor, and I think my aunt likes the allure of being the First Lady of a church. She put on a front as being a holy Christian woman, but to me and Simone she was horrible. Not a day went by when she didn’t she call me a burden, useless, stupid, or ugly. It didn’t help that my cousins Derrick and Damon took their cue from her, tormenting me at home and at school. They were popular so they basically turned the entire student body turned against me. I had no friends. After hearing how worthless I was over and over again, I started accepting it.” Noelle sounded sad as she relayed her story to him. James wanted to track her aunt down and wring her neck.
How could anyone say such things to a child, and call themselves a Christian, no less. He was never big on religion but he understood the basic Judeo-Christian principles. Noelle’s aunt didn’t sound like a true follower of her faith.
“She was wrong, Noelle.”
“I didn’t know that then. I just took her word as gospel. I doubt I would have survived living there had it not been for Simone. But when she left I used art as my escape, but she tried to destroy that too. I once had a notebook full of drawings but Aunt Frieda found them in my room and tossed it into the fireplace. She told me it was garbage and I guess that’s why I had a hard time believing in my own talent. It crushed me and made me hopeless.
“But the mental games and verbal abuse weren’t as bad as the things she’d say about my mother. She’d used to say to things about Mom to get under my skin and it worked. I never knew why she hated me so much.”
“Do you think the bad blood between her and your mom spilled over to you?”
“I think so. It wasn’t until very recently I realized Aunt Frieda was jealous of my mother. My mom was resourceful. She put herself through school, took care of me and never relied on anyone for help. My mom had it together and people liked her. And Aunt Frieda resented her for it.”
The more he heard about Noelle’s aunt, the more his disgust grew. “Do you think she took you in solely for the purpose of tormenting you in a warped way to get back at your mother?”
“That could be part of it, but the main reason was the money. My mom was struck by a drunk driver, but she could have survived her wound. She died from malpractice. The hospital made a significant settlement in my mom’s name which was put in a trust for me. Only a guardian would be able to draw funds from it for my care until I turned eighteen. My aunt knew this but she never used any of that money on me. My clothes were hand-me-downs from the church’s donation bin, and I was rarely allowed any extras unless my aunt felt like showing off her benevolence to her church friends. She spent most of that money on herself and her sons.”
James flinched as he listened to Noelle’s tale of torment. “How could that woman live with herself?”
Noelle laughed without humor. “She seemed to do it quite well, actually. The icing on the cake is, when I was seventeen she pushed me into a relationship with one of the church deacons. She told me I’d have to marry him because I wouldn’t do better for myself since I was too stupid to be on my own. I didn’t even like Walter but I felt I had no choice. He made my skin crawl, not to mention he was a disgusting pervert. But I was so programmed I believed he was all I deserved.” She looked down as if she was ashamed of herself. In James’s opinion, the only person who should be ashamed was her aunt.
“Thank goodness Simone came for me when I turned eighteen. She helped me get control of my trust. Simone wanted me to live with her but I didn’t want to be a burden, so I lived on my own for a couple of years, working a dead end job. But it was a small town and I ran into my aunt more than a few times. Let’s just say they weren’t pleasant encounters. Finally Simone convinced me to move away and live with her. Living with Simone was different. She was supportive and loving and she encouraged me to apply to art school. To my surprise I made it in, but I was so damaged from living with my aunt, I lacked the confidence to finish. I felt like such a loser no matter how much Simone tried to prop me up. And that’s where you came in. You were this handsome, self-assured man, and I was awestruck by you. I couldn’t believe someone like you would want me, but your good look and charm weren’t the real reasons I fell for you.”
She stopped, finally pulling her hand away as she began to fidget again.
“Why Noelle?”
“I felt this connection between us because you were broken too. You hide it well but it takes a person who’s suffered to notice it in someone else. I took it as a sign that we were meant to be. But we were disastrous together because we were both damaged goods, and we acted out to mask that pain we silently suffered. You felt the need to treat me the way you did and I let you because I didn’t know any better. I thought I had to suffer for our love and that you’d eventually change. But you didn’t and I finally realized you wouldn’t…not until you admitted you were damaged too.”
A damp trail traced his cheek before James realized, several tears had fallen. Her story broke his heart. He ached for the little girl who felt unloved, and the woman she’d become who was so desperate for that love that she took anything given to her. The fact that he played a role it added to his guilt. He’d never doubted Noelle’s intelligence but her insight surprised him nonetheless.
James had told himself that he no longer cared about the people that hurt him for so long that he’d began to believe the lie.
Noelle slid out of the booth and joined him on his side. She wiped the tears from his face. “If you want to let go of whatever it is you’re holding on to, you can, but if you’re not ready, that’s okay too. Whoever hurt you, or made you the way you are or were, it wasn’t your fault. It was them,” she said softly. She was so close if he leaned over just a little more, their lips would touch. He suddenly noticed a few other patrons at the deli were staring at them. He wasn’t used to making himself vulnerable and wasn’t comfortable enough to give anyone a show. But he did owe it to Noelle to tell her his side of things.
“Do you mind if we get out of here? Go for a drive? I promise I’ll talk in the car.”
“I drove the van here.”
“It’s okay, I can drop you off.”
“Okay.”