Lily

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“Yeah, just walk away!” Mel calls after me in a triumphant voice.

“Better than wasting my time,” I call over my shoulder with a smile. Kara and I keep walking down the beach, ignoring whatever else Mel says.

“I guess that wasn’t the best comeback,” I say once we’re out of earshot. “I hate drama and stupid catfights.”

“And yet you signed up for a reality dating show!” She laughs before we both groan. The bickering has gotten worse lately. I glance back and add, “Wow, there aren’t any cameras following us! We actually get some privacy.”

She looks back too. “Nice, isn’t it?”

“Yeah...” I sigh, and it sounds way more emotional than I like. This has been a hard week for me, the hardest so far. It’s been a week since my night with Rafe and he still hasn’t said a word to me. I thought we had made a real connection when I told him the truth. We talked things out and I felt like our bond was coming back. The lies and misunderstandings were cleared out. I know we connected both emotionally and physically. But then, he just wanted out of there and hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s like finding the warmth of fire for the first time and then losing it again. I’m losing him all over again. Maybe once he learned the truth, that was all he needed.

Or maybe, even worse, it was just sex to him. I have no idea how to deal with that. I have no defense for it. So this week I haven’t tried reaching out to him either. It just hurts too much.

The day after the rock climbing event, Heather got to go play on the dunes with him as her prize for winning. I heard they rented sand buggies, and I know Rafe must have loved it. It makes me nervous. He might decide Heather can keep up with him better than me, even though I’m in great shape too. She’s just so intense about it. And I might not even be in the running anymore.

Three more women have been sent home, leaving me, Kara, Mel, Samantha, Heather, and Zuri. Just six of us. That means more one-on-one time with Rafe...for those of us he’s speaking to, at least.

“I’ve gone over it a hundred times in my head,” I blurt out to Kara. “I did the right thing by telling him the truth. But I wonder if it was too much? What if I can’t fix us?” 

It’s more than I should say to her. We’re competing for Rafe, after all. But when she turns my way while we walk, I see understanding on her face. Then she drops her gaze and takes a big breath.

“I have to tell you something. I think they’re testing the show. I overheard something about early audience response, and needing more conflict, and your name came up.”

“Came up how?” I press, knowing she’s holding back.

“People were pulling for you, so they got frustrated when Rafe stopped talking to you. Liam says they’ll lose viewers if things don’t heat up between you two again. And then they’ll lose advertising dollars.”

Her voice shows how disappointed she is about that. Of course she wants Rafe’s attention, and I try to show some compassion and not get too excited.

But it is exciting. The test viewers were rooting for me. And because of that, Liam might actually be helping me. It’s not the most noble motivation, but I’ll take all the help I can get right now.

“It’s all about the money,” I say to Kara. I don’t want to share my real reaction. “Thanks for telling me.”

“So you’ll give me something to tell Liam?”

I owe her something, and it might help her get in Liam’s good graces. So is there anything I can have Kara tell Liam that would help my cause? Maybe I can somehow get Rafe’s attention again with this.

“Well, Liam already knows this, but I apologized to Rafe for something that happened a long time ago. I’ve been dealing with it all this time, and that’s why I wanted to get on the show, to fix things. I had to make it right. Maybe Rafe just needs time to process all of it.”

“What did you do?” she immediately asks.

I shake my head, wanting to keep it private, but then again it might end up aired with the show. So I give her the quick version, hitting on how I tried to help him stay safe by calling the police...and getting him arrested. I even go ahead and tell her about how the Olympic team tried to contact him after that. 

“I didn’t mean to,” I wrap up, “but I accidentally killed his dreams.”

Kara’s quiet for a while until she finally asks, “And Liam knows about all that?”

I sigh. “Yeah. They recorded it when we spent the night at the cabin.”

We approach the pool area, and Kara tells me, “I’ll see you later.”

I’m about to head up to our room when I feel a touch on my elbow. When I turn, it’s Rafe, standing just outside and around the corner where the others won’t see him. He jerks his head back toward the beach, asking me to follow him.

We walk back out where we’re hidden from the house. His hair is damp and he’s wearing swim trunks. I try not to notice the water droplets on his hard pecs. But that means looking at his face. In the sunlight, his brown eyes appear more hazel. They get to me every time. How does he keep hurting me like this?

“Rafe, what happened? How could you just shut me out like that?” I fold my arms, feeling myself shake with anger. “Do you know what that felt like, being close again and then you turning to ice?”

He drops his head and says something to himself. I start to soften, seeing how bad he feels.

“I couldn’t talk to you after...” He trails off, something I don’t remember him doing often. Rafe always knows what he wants to say, and he just says it. I nod. I want to know what’s going on in his head so I try to hold onto my temper. It’s hard when things have been building up inside me all week.

“Why?” I finally ask. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Lily.” He sighs and turns a half step to gaze out at the ocean. “I don’t like feeling out of control.”

Out of control? I step closer and touch his arm. “What do you mean?”

“I had so much shit to work through after getting out. It’s all coming back now. I have these dreams. I don’t know how to handle it, and seeing you, talking to you—” He steps away, and I know to give him a minute.

I thought I could make things better between us by telling him the truth but I actually opened old wounds. What if I can’t ever be anything other than a reminder of all that? Could I walk away from Rafe if that were the case?

“It was a lot to take in,” I finally agree, hoping to keep communication open. I’m not ready to think about losing him.

“Running from it didn’t work. And I know we have things to talk about,” he says, turning back to me. “It’s hard to open up like this. It’s not my nature. Not anymore, at least, after all I’ve been through.”

“So we can talk? Can we try?” I ask.

He rests his hands on his hips, his face relaxing into a thoughtful expression, and that makes me nervous again.

“Yes, we can talk. Not right now.” He rubs his face. This week was probably hard on him too, after learning the truth. “Will you meet me back here by the pool tonight?”

I’m surprised by his request but nod and say, “When tonight?”

“One. Let’s make sure everyone else is in bed.” He holds my gaze in the darkness. It looks like I’ll have to wait to hear anything else. 

“I’ll see you then,” I say quietly. He reaches over and lightly runs his knuckles down my cheek before turning to leave. Maybe there’s a chance for us after all.