Rafe

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“Why the fuck did I give her that last rose?” I sigh and lean my hands on the bathroom counter. She knew I wanted her off before. I went as far as telling her so. But I chose to give her that rose and keep her on the show. I always know what I want and why I do things, so this is like an itch under my skin that I can’t reach. I want her off the show and out of my life, but at the same time, it’s obvious I don’t want to get rid of her.

“Why?” I shake my head at this mess. This is going to be interesting to say the least. Damn! I laugh out loud as I pull a long-sleeve shirt over my T-shirt for the evening. Lily has to be pissed that Kara is having dinner with me here...and to be honest, Kara intrigues me. She’s calculating but not cold. 

The musicians are warming up downstairs, filling the house with guitar picking and bass. I walk in and greet them, but I only have a few minutes to talk. The clock is ticking and I’m supposed to cook dinner for tonight.

In the kitchen, I survey the ingredients on the counter and slap my hands together, getting myself ready to do this. One perfect roast duck, coming up. The secret, I know, is to not overcook it. It’s an added bonus that I don’t need to cook it very long.

I smell the spices and make sure they’re just right. But the scent stops me with some vague memory. I stand there like a dumbass for several minutes trying to grab on to whatever it is. But it doesn’t seem to be a memory, more like something I’ve wanted to do. I’ve thought about cooking for Lily before, showing her what I can do now.

Shaking myself out of it, I get the duck in the oven and move on to the vegetables. I picked up bread at the bakery to go with it. This dinner will be amazing. The evening should be great. It should even feel a little less staged and more private. The show’s staff came by earlier to make sure the cameras are operating correctly. There’re just two installed in the dining area to film us during dinner.

The doorbell rings. Here we go. I open the door with a smile to find Kara outside in a long, black dress that hugs her body all the way down. Interesting choice. I know she has very nice legs, so I’m surprised she has them covered up. Wrapping a present, perhaps? She notices my lingering look and smiles.

“Good evening,” I say and wave her inside. “Welcome to mi casa, hermosa.”

I have an idea of how the evening can end. But do I want that tonight, with Kara? Two weeks ago, the answer would have been hell yes! But now...now I’m on camera and the whole world could potentially end up watching this. A thought of Lily flashes in my mind before I shut it down.

“Hello, Rafe.” She pauses inside the door and slips an arm around my waist. Damn, she smells good. I hug her back, grabbing a deep breath of her scent and making a masculine noise of appreciation. We linger there for a few seconds before she leans back and gives me a half smile.

The band has been quiet for a few minutes and breaks into a slow rock song.

“We have live music and dinner waiting, milady.”

Kara flashes a big smile, and I take her hand and lead the way into the area by the dining table. She pulls in a breath at the sight of the candles and romantic dinner spread. The band is set up in the corner, leaving room to dance.

“Come here,” I say before turning and resting my other hand on her waist. We sway to the music, and I rest my face against her hair and hum with the song. This is nice. Romantic, even. Over the last few years, I’ve seduced women and then said good-bye. I haven’t wanted more. Not after what Lily did to me.

Then why am I doing this show? Why did I give Lily that rose and keep her here?

I catch our reflection in the large windows.

“We make a nice couple,” she says, following my gaze.

“We do.” I twirl her around. “I like my women tall, and you look damn sexy in that dress. Did you like dressing up for me?” I add with a devilish smile.

She laughs. 

“Yes... I did. And thank you. Dinner smells great by the way,” she adds, and it’s the first instance when she appears nervous. This woman has been polished, reserved, and quiet, making me think she’s mysterious and certainly confident.

“Well, you might be surprised... I cooked dinner.”

“You cooked?” Her face lights up.

“But let’s try it before you thank me,” I say with a wink. “I made roasted duck with a jalapeño cranberry sauce.” I pull her chair out and then pour her a glass of red wine. “Try it. Let me know what you think.”

She takes a bite and her smile tells me she’s genuinely pleased with it.

“It’s amazing. Delicious.”

“Good. It was a daring choice for a first date, but this is my specialty meal.” That strange feeling comes again, and this time, I can tell it’s guilt. That makes no sense, but for some reason, I feel guilty for making this meal for Kara when I’ve thought about making it for Lily. 

Kara is watching me and I make sure my face isn’t showing my thoughts.

“And, hopefully, this is the first of many,” she says after a pause.

“First of many dates?” I raise my glass to that instead of answering. I’d rather be mysterious than commit to anything. “So tell me more about you.”

She’s shy at first, but after a few leading questions, she opens up. I listen. I really do. But random thoughts pop into my head. Here I am learning about Kara and wondering about Lily. I used to know her so well. I shouldn’t miss her and our closeness after what she did, but I do. I haven’t had that with anyone since.

“So did you make the questions for the game show tonight?” she asks suddenly.

“Some of them,” I admit. It wasn’t easy creating so many questions, so I only worked on about a fourth of them. At that point, I was also realizing that my creating the questions would give Lily an advantage because she knows me. I add, “Why do you ask? Did you like them? Well, you must have. You won!”

“Did you have some information about us before this show started?”

I laugh. “I wish. You don’t even know.” I cut myself short before saying something about Lily. After my outburst that first day, at least a few of them must have figured out that seeing Lily again was an unpleasant surprise.

“I thought you might have catered a few to me.” Her voice is quiet, a sly smile on her face.

I raise one eyebrow. “Maybe. Maybe not. I like a woman who can rise to the challenge and prove herself.”

She sets her fork down and says with a small but confident smile, “We’re a good match. You’re looking for someone with brains and beauty, and here I am.”

I tilt my head and give her a slow smile. “Here you are.”

I hold her gaze, but she doesn’t answer. Maybe her confidence is covering up her actual lack of confidence and finesse. We still have a lot of time on the show, so I want to be careful about singling out any favorites too soon. But if I did, Kara would be right up there.

“Dessert?” I ask. “I have several yummy things chilling in the fridge.”

“Not tonight.” She smiles. “I already have my dessert.”

Wow, she’s coming on much stronger tonight. I like it.

“Would you like to go for a walk on the beach then?” I ask, already rising. As she gets up, I walk over to thank the band. Kara and I head outside and, by the edge of the patio, I remove my shoes and roll my pants up a few inches. After hesitating, she follows suit, pulling off her heels.

“You really do look beautiful tonight,” I say.

“Thanks. You do too. You always look good.”

“Thank you. I haven’t been out here for a walk on this part of the beach yet.” I take her hand and we slowly make our way down toward the water. There I turn so we’re walking along the dry sand above the waves. The whisper of them washing up on the sand is soothing.

It’ll be nice when this show is done and over with, and I can move on with my life and training for my fight. MMA has been my life for the last three years. Training. Traveling. Fighting. This is too much downtime. It’s the most time I’ve had to think, and the past, apparently, was sitting there waiting for me. Lily was there waiting for me all this time too.

We walk in silence for a while and just watch the waves roll in and the moon play on the water. For just a second, I allow myself to picture tonight if it’d been with Lily. She’s been in the back of my mind all day. If only... If only her mom didn’t get sick. If only she hadn’t gotten the idea that she needed to strip for money. Then I’d tried my hand at cards. The money was good for a while. So why did it have to all go south? Did we make bad choices? Will I ever know the truth?

I wonder for the hundredth time how I’m going to get her out of my head. Everything has come back. Our memories. The little things she did. Her scent.

But I’m not here with her. I’m with Kara, someone who hasn’t stabbed me in the back.

Kara could be a new start for me. Maybe I never got over Lily because I never tried a relationship with someone else. 

I stop suddenly and turn to her. She catches her breath before lifting her face, and I pull her to me almost roughly, catching her mouth with a hard, fast kiss. Remembering myself, I slow down, trying to make it good for her.

She moans against my mouth and reaches her arms around my neck, stepping closer to press herself against me. I let my hands explore her sides and feel her fingers in my hair. It’s not bad, but it’s also not the chemistry I was hoping for.

And it doesn’t push Lily out of my head at all. Instead, she’s on my mind even more. What would it feel like with her? I haven’t wanted a relationship with anyone else since Lily, and now I know it wasn’t just about avoiding more hurt. There’s more to it.

I break free and take Kara’s hand again, trying to smile to soften the moment.

“Why don’t we head back before it’s too late?”

“Okay.” She smiles. We turn around. 

Motion farther up the beach catches my attention. I squint at a figure as it jogs out of sight. It could have been Lily going for a run.

Kara is still talking and touches my chin. I glance down at her and smile, wanting to be in this moment with this beautiful woman, but my mind is on Lily. There are things between us that need to be cleared before we can move on with our lives. I want that. I might even owe it to her. We need to let each other be free. We can never be together again, but we shared our childhoods, and that means something.

I know I can’t run from this anymore. I can’t back down. I need to look this monster in the face and get to the truth. Closure. That’s what I need to put this to bed and move on, first with this show and then my life.

Hadn’t I wanted answers and closure anyway?

That’s why I gave her the rose. I need to take care of this, not just run away and avoid it. Maybe if I can find out what she wanted to tell me, I can clear my head and make this show work. Maybe then I could make it work with one of these women.

“Rafe?”

“Yeah?”

“You’ve been in another world.”

We’re almost back to the house, so I try to shrug it off.

“Is there another girl?” she asks. I look at her, surprised. “Is there someone else you had before this show? Or is it just Lily?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s old news.” I laugh like she’s way off, but I think it sounds as forced to her as it does to me. I’d be a fool if I didn’t admit, at least to myself, that my past is catching up with me, and I can’t ignore it any longer.