Lily

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“Lily!” Kara calls, as I head out the main door of the beach house.

“Later,” I call back. “I gotta go. Stuff to do.”

Well, not so much, but I have to get out of here. She should be able to understand after that massacre.

I escape to my car and take off out of the parking lot. Unfortunately, I glance back and see Melinda and her crew walking out the door. A few more women have joined them. I’m not sure what all those women think—that Mel is going to help them get in with Rafe? They don’t see she’s using them. But whatever. They’ll probably have a good laugh at my quick getaway.

So I got to apologize. Did it mean anything to him? Did it help? If nothing else comes of doing this show, at least I got to tell him how sorry I was. But it left me feeling strangely empty, like it wasn’t enough. I shudder, seeing his cold expression again as he said, “You’re in the past.” Was it that easy for Rafe to forget about me and move on? He had six years to get over me and heal. Maybe I really am just a moment in his past.

I wanted to apologize, but deep down, I know I want so much more. I just have no idea if that’s even possible.

I head out for a drive along the coastal highway with my windows down. I need the wind, noise and the ocean view to calm me down. My curly hair flies everywhere, and it won’t be fun to untangle later, but for now, I enjoy the sensation. I just want to feel free for a few minutes.

I need to get away and try to forget... Everyone saw the way Rafe treated me and how angry he still is. They have to wonder what I did.

We get tonight to recuperate, and then we report to the house tomorrow. I break out in a sudden laugh. Rafe wants nothing to do with me, and I’ll be moving in with all those women and competing for a date with him.

Can I do this? My doubts flare up, and I shake my head at myself.

“I’m not backing down,” I yell into the wind. I’m not backing down. I got this. I have to find a way to make it work. Somehow, I’ll prove to him I’m not just running off again, and then I’ll explain what happened before. I have to tell him the truth somehow.

I can do this because I’ve already overcome so much. I took care of my mom until she died, doing whatever I needed to so we could pay the bills and her medical expenses. Now I’m getting A’s in college. School hasn’t been easy, but I’ve held down a job until recently while getting good grades. 

So what if this is hard? I’m ready for it. I prepared, and I know what I want. I’m here to stay.

My little pep talk makes me buzz all over, so when I question myself the next second, I just repeat it again.

I pull off the road where there’s beach access and a bathroom to change, where I slip into my running clothes. After this morning, a run will be good for my mental state and my body. Out on the sand, I watch the horizon and listen to my music, my feet pounding the sand and my mind clearing. I keep the image of Rafe in front of me, like a goal, and run to him until my legs and entire body feels completely drained. It feels good to wear myself out.

Afterward, I end up making a loop back to town for one last night at my apartment, and probably a long bath. I definitely need some downtime before tomorrow.

Then it’s back to putting on my game face and showing Rafe just how determined I am.

***

When I arrive at the house the next afternoon, the staff, interns, and the other women are already running around. Everyone is trying to figure out what room they’ll be in and with who, and then complaining about it. It looks like a college dorm on the first day of fall semester.

A man in a dress shirt stands on the steps and claps his hands. “Ladies, ladies, please! Can I please have your attention? I’ll share the room assignments with you now.” He has a clipboard under his arm and a pencil behind his ear.

I notice there’s at least one camera guy recording. Even this? Jesus. Liam really did mean it when he explained that they would record everything. I also remember they need lots of footage to edit.

“Where is Rafe staying?” This comes from the little redhead, Annabel.

“He has his own place at the other end of the property, but his house is off limits unless you are invited. And yes, you will get invited. You’ll all have the chance to win a romantic dinner with Rafe.”

“Ooooohhhh!”

Melinda laughs like, of course, she’ll be invited first. I shake my head. I really know how to torture myself. Here I am putting it all on the line for one last shot with Rafe, but that’s exactly what all of these other girls are doing too. But they can’t feel the way I do about Rafe. I have more motivation than any of them.

Kara makes her way to me and nods for me to come with her.

“Guess what, we actually have a room together.”

“How’d you manage that?” I ask, and then seeing her sneaky and quick smile, decide I don’t want to know. But that might make things interesting if she has any kind of in with one of the staff. With my duffle bag in hand, I follow her out of the madness and we head upstairs. It’s slightly quieter in our room. She shuts the door, muffling the noise even further.

“Was it hard hearing his story?” Kara cuts right to the chase as she claims a bed. “I mean, I could tell you were there in the trailer park with him, but he didn’t mention you.”

“Yeah. That stung,” I admit openly. Maybe it shouldn’t, but I’m sure it was pretty obvious. “Then again, I’m glad Rafe didn’t talk about me. It’s my business.” I don’t add that he probably remembers that I don’t like airing my dirty laundry, so to speak. I’m a private person, so this show is really going to push my limits. Maybe he respected that? Or more likely, he’s worked really hard to wipe me from his life and memory. He did have plenty of time in prison to do that, locked in there for three years because of me.

I need to get all that out of my head for now.

I take one of the other two beds, glad there’s only one more. We sit on our beds and I realize we didn’t stick around for instructions. “Should we go back down?”

“Did you know about everything he shared?” she asks, ignoring my suggestion.

“Some of it, yes. We stopped talking after he went to jail, but I followed what I could about his life from the news. It’s hard to think about everything he’s been through.” And everything I’ve been through. I’m curious if Kara is actually curious or looking for ammo for this reality show.

“So he was talking about you and your mom?” she asks.

Should I share anything about Rafe? It’s about me too, this time anyway.

“Yeah... The only way I could make enough money to help my mom was to strip, but Rafe wouldn’t allow it. So he went to Vegas to win a poker tournament, and I know he hated doing that. It was too much like his dad’s life. That fell through, though. Then he became desperate to help me. I didn’t want him messing up his life, but he wouldn’t listen to me...” As I say that, the door opens and Annabel walks in. Oh, crap. Her?

“Hi there, roommates!” she chirps and immediately launches into a monologue as she sets her things up around the third bed. Kara and I roll our eyes at each other and silently giggle. This girl is too chipper to make it on this show.

She stands back to inspect her work with her hands on her hips and nods in approval. “So aren’t you two going on the tour?”

“Tour?” I get up and head for the door. Everyone else is rushing back downstairs too. Liam’s waiting for us. He seems to like being on camera even though he’s the director. From the reactions around me, I guess some of the other women had hoped Rafe would be here for the tour. Okay, I had wondered that too, and it made my stomach flip over. He isn’t anywhere in sight. That is good for me. I don’t want to see his hate-filled glare quite yet.

“All right, are we all here?” Liam has two cameramen with him to film. We start off, and it becomes clear we could have done this ourselves. We go from room to room with cameras taping our reactions while he talks. The house is pretty plush, and we’re duly impressed.

“And here is the gym, in case you ladies want to work out and stay in shape while you’re here.” He throws the door open and we walk in single file only to bunch up again inside the door. The opposite wall is one giant mirror, and half the room is filled with different weight machines, an elliptical machine, and a treadmill. There’re punching bags hanging on the right side, a small one and a much larger one.

“Is Rafe going to train here?” Melinda asks, as she struts and pops the little bag with a dainty hit. It sways.

“We’ll see,” Liam says with a grin. “He might if you ask him nicely.”

So maybe we can get Rafe alone if the right circumstances arise. I need to at some point to talk to him. But how can I do that when he has completely rejected me? I’ve been planning to bring back our friendship and reach him that way, but I don’t have years here. I have three weeks, if that. I could get kicked off at any time. I know I’ll have to make some bold moves, but will he even listen to me if I somehow sneak over and talk to him?

Melinda pops the little bag again, and Liam asks, “Anyone want to try out the heavy bag?”

I’m still mulling my strategy over and suddenly find myself in front of the heavy bag, arm back and ready. I let loose and throw a hard right into it. Bam. It jars my arm a little, but I know how to hit the right way, thanks to Rafe.

Suddenly, I realize what I just did, and without even thinking about it. All that practice from back then must have taken over.

“Holy shit!” Kara exclaims.

“Yeah, what the fuck?” Melinda asks.

“If you have to hit someone,” I say.

“Do it right,” Kara finishes. “That’s what Rafe says.”

I jerk to look at her. How would she know that? I didn’t expect anyone to know I was quoting him. I hit the bag again and explain my swing.

“He taught me how to defend myself when we were twelve, in case I needed it.”

“Did you ever?” Annabel asks, her voice more serious than I’ve heard it.

“Yeah, a few times.” I can feel my heart beating faster from punching the bag, but also from the memory bubbling up. I was running down an alley from two punks and hit a dead end. I pretended to be scared until one came close enough for me to turn and punch him. I threw a left hook into his nose at an angle. I couldn’t hit him straight on as quickly. Then I followed with a right into his gut. His friend didn’t even realize what happened. I had a second to grab a two-by-four off the ground and whack the other guy in the face. Then I ran like I was on fire all the way down the alley and two miles home, to Rafe’s trailer.

“Lily?”

I glance up at Kara and realize everyone is watching me get lost in the memory. Not good. And there’s a freaking camera behind them, catching it all. I shake myself out of it and briskly ask, “So what’s next?” 

Liam leads us out to continue the walk around the house and grounds, and then out onto the beach.

“We’ll meet out here at six for our first competition! You’ll be on teams to play sand volleyball. Make sure to show up in a bikini,” Liam adds with a wink to all of us.

“Can we pick teams?”

“Does anyone get kicked off in this one?”

“Questions later, ladies! You’ll get all the details at the event.”

***

I walk down with Kara and Annabel, with Melinda and the others behind us. We’re all in swimsuits. Most of us are wearing bikinis, per Liam’s instructions, but two women are in a one piece. One of them is the short, quiet brunette named Arianna. I’m wearing a black bikini that looks good, but I know will stay in place. And with that thought, I glance back at Melinda and wonder if she’s hoping to pop out of her top on purpose for Rafe. You know, a Janet Jackson style wardrobe malfunction. Her bikini is more sensible than I expected. It’s deep blue with gold hoops on the hips and one in the middle of the top, which actually provides more coverage than her red dress did last night.

As we get closer to the sand volleyball pit, the other girls pick up their pace so they can see. Samantha, the smallest woman here with short dark hair, steps next to me and gives me an elevator look, sizing me up in my bikini. Everyone has been doing a lot of that. The truth is, every woman here is beautiful in her own way, and we’re all in good shape. If Rafe is anything like he used to be, it won’t be appearance affecting his decision the most. But I could be wrong. He might also be attracted to the women who seem more successful. I have no way of knowing because I haven’t been around him in so long.

I have to get my head in the game, so I push all those thoughts away.

There’s a line of chairs on the side for spectators and Rafe is standing in front of them talking to Liam. Or arguing. Liam is red in the face and Rafe’s voice carries to us from a ways away. Then Liam sees us and completely changes his demeanor, putting on a charismatic smile and throwing his hands out.

“Ladies! Welcome!” Rafe turns to face us, and I can tell he’s pushing his anger aside. 

It appears Mike didn’t come to this. There’s other staff here though.

I’m a little surprised when Rafe does the talking—so far, the others have explained things and he’s been following their lead.

“Today we’re having a tournament, and the winning team gets to go out with me tonight.”

“That’s me!” Mel calls with a big, confident smile.

I try to judge Rafe’s reaction... Does he like that? It seems pushy to me. I would try it, though, if he weren’t so mad. The way things are, however, I’m afraid of how he’d react to a comment like that from me.

“It could be any three of you...” Rafe looks around at everyone with an eyebrow raised, and it’s sexy as hell. I feel my heart flutter.

Liam steps up to add, “But sadly, one of you will be going home, someone from the bottom team. So you have a lot of incentive to play well! Now show us what you got.”

They have us go around the net and volley back and forth. Two tall women come down from the houses and join the men on the side, and from the conversation I gather, they’re volleyball coaches or professional players. Maybe they’re here to help us play or to judge. The staff doesn’t explain, and that leaves me unsure how to play. If they plan to divide the teams up fairly, I should hold back while they’re watching now. I’m thinking if I downplay my skills, they might place me with better teammates. 

Not sure what to do, I focus on playing semi well but not showing off too much yet. Rafe, Liam, the staff, and the two women are all watching us, and some of the women are obviously not volleyball players.

I’m all right. I’ve played on the beach and in school, so I hold my own. Kara is surprisingly good, maybe just a little better than me if I were giving it my all. She jumps up and hammers the ball, sending it straight down into the sand on the other side.

“Nice!” I call out and give her a low five.

Then I hear Rafe call out, “Awesome slam!” She smiles over her shoulder at him, and I feel a strange tingle of envy. I try to shove it away but find myself jumping in more.

We work together on the next one, me diving to pop up a low, fast ball, and Kara crushing it for another point. Well, it’d be a point if we were playing. As I go back to my spot, I notice Rafe is watching me.

“We’re just warming up!” someone complains.

“Sorry,” I say, to be polite. “That was just such a perfect set up!”

I back off and become less aggressive, letting the other girls get to the ball first. I stick to my plan for a while and even miss the ball on purpose. But then a shot spikes right next to me and I have to hit it over. Rafe cheers and claps for everyone but me.

“All right,” one of the staff calls, and adds that annoying clap that Mike likes so well. “Come on over. We’re going to make five teams of three for a little tournament.”

“We’re splitting you two up,” one of the tall women says, pointing to Kara and me. Darn. I guess my plan didn’t work...but then again, there’re other good players I could get. It would have been fun to play on Kara’s team though. Instead, I end up with Samantha, the small brunette in a one piece, and Arianna, who’s also short. Their height worries me, but it turns out they aren’t half bad, so I’m okay with that.

Kara and I share a shrug, but I can tell she’s a little miffed. She wants to win. It’s funny. We could be great friends in another time and place. Now, I’m not sure if it’s real or just an alliance. But I decide not to overthink it. I’m thankful to have someone somewhat like me here.

I end up sitting out the first round, watching the game and also the others try to talk to Rafe. He appears more relaxed today, and I almost see the younger version of him I knew. A pang hits me again when I wonder how much prison changed him. I know the hard times changed me, too, but I didn’t go through what he did. I want to ask him about it and be there for him. I’m aching to be there for him again.

Why did I leave him before? Why was I so afraid of telling him the truth?

I’ve been sneaking looks at him to see if he’ll take his shirt off. Does he hide his scars? 

I hear my name called and realize I’m almost too emotional to speak. Too bad I didn’t wear sunglasses down here, but it’s early evening and not too bright. The light is soft, lending a romantic atmosphere. But when I glance around at the other women and the competitive light in their eyes, I forget all about romance. And it’s not like Rafe has any warm and fuzzy feelings for me anyway. I suppress a laugh and join my teammates on the court.

Rafe continues to cheer for everyone, not one team or certain player. The only one he leaves out is me, and I’m sure everyone notices. They probably figure I’m going to be the first one to leave the show. It wouldn’t surprise me either, but I just play and try to cheer on my team.

One team ended up with two really good players—Heather, an athletic, dark-blonde with green eyes, and Bree, a sassy, short chick with a black bob. I wouldn’t have expected her to be so good, but she can dive like no other and keeps making save after save. Then Heather hits them over the net. Their team plays together fairly well.

When we play, I pop the ball up as often as I can to allow my teammates to hit it over, and we do okay. We win a game, sit out for a while, and then we play Heather, Bree, and Annabel. It’s a tough match because they have two strong players, and we end up losing.

“That’s okay,” Rafe calls out, clapping. Is he including me? He congratulates the other team next. I have a light sweat worked up when I go to the water table. There are several more games, and I start feeling antsy. Soon Mel’s team is up. She is better than I expected. Maybe she played in high school or college. She just didn’t strike me as the athletic type. I watch how she plays, trying to ignore how Rafe seems to be cheering more for her than he has for anyone else.

I swivel his way as I think about it, and he turns his head at just that second. Our eyes lock. It’s the first unguarded look he’s given me. But it’s still not warm. It’s like two strangers who glance at each other on the sidewalk before continuing on. He goes back to watching the game...and I suddenly wonder if he’s cheering for Mel to hurt me. Would he sink that low? If he is, that means he might still care. At least, he cares enough to be angry.

I’ve sunk pretty low in the past. I might deserve it.

We’re up again to play Mel’s team. This is the match I care about the most because I want to beat Mel, but I walk back onto the sand like it’s not a big deal.

She is smirking at me. Her team gets the ball first and she sends a nice flat serve straight over the net. I dive for it and pop it up, letting Samantha send it back. We volley for a while, and I feel good that we’re almost evenly matched. It’ll be a fun game. This time around, I step it up and slam the ball as often as possible. I start stacking the points up, but they stay right behind us. I’m really sweating. I tune out what the girls, coaches, and Rafe say, and just use their energy to push harder. I keep our lead until the last shot—Mel meant to hit a flat shot, but it arches instead. Perfect! I launch myself up and kill it, shooting it straight down.

“And we have a winner!”

I high five Samantha and Arianna as we walk off.

“That was all you!” Arianna says, out of breath. “Thank God I ended up on your team.”

“You played well,” I say, just as Rafe says, “Good work out there!”

He’s looking at all of us.

“Thanks,” I say sincerely. He immediately turns away to talk to Kara, but I don’t feel as stung about it as I would have before. A tiny jolt of hope tingles through me as I go for another bottle of water. That’s when I see they’ve put up a big white board with the rankings. Somehow I let myself forget there’s two aspects to this. The winners get to go out with Rafe...and someone from the bottom team will be kicked off.

Thankfully, I’m in the top... and I realize Mel’s team is playing Heather’s, and then my team will play the winner for first place. I actually have a shot at going out with Rafe tonight.