Rafe

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I leave the studio house and head around back to the beach side, where I watch the waves and clear my head. The sun has set and it’s starting to get dark. I head out on a run back to my place. I start out hard, pushing myself. Heat spreads through my legs as I warm up. It feels good to see what my body can do. No holding back. No worrying about injuries.

But it also gives me time to think. Why am I so protective of Lily? This is about something inside of me. I want to protect her. I want to stand by her side. I want her.

I can’t let that clip air on either show, so I need to talk to Quentin about it as soon as I get a chance. There might be some kind of slander clause in my contract, or loophole, or some way for me to have a say in what airs. Quentin’s a smart guy and he worked with my lawyers to close this deal.

I also wonder what will happen with school if they find out Lily was a stripper. Maybe nothing will happen, but it doesn’t matter. I won’t let that clip air. I told Lily I’d fix this and I plan to. It’s my fault she’s in this position. She came on this show and risked being exposed, risked everything, for me.

I reach my place and keep going at the same pace. I’m covering ground fast and it feels great. I need to clear my head and think about what’s coming up for the show. They want me to spend a day with each of the remaining women. Fuck. I just want some time to talk things out with Lily.

I turn around and run back to my place before it’s completely dark. I get home and shower, then text Lily.

I want to see you soon. Not the middle of the night.

We need to get some sleep for one thing, but I need to see her soon. If I have to spend a few days away from her, I need to talk to her first. While I’m waiting, I get on the phone with Quentin and tell him about the shit fest that blew up on me.

“Wow, that’s shitty all right,” he says. “I’ll look into it. I’m not saying I can do anything, but I’ll see.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Liam and his lawyers are sharks at this kind of thing, but you’re resourceful.”

He gives a dry laugh before asking, “So you and this Lily girl...? You gonna fill me in?”

“Quentin, you know the story.”

“I know the past. I’m asking about the present and future.”

“Shit, it’s complicated. How do I just forget the past, as much as I want to?” I ask him.

“You don’t. But why does that past have to ruin now? You forgave her, right? You must have if you’re trying to stick up for her now.”

I don’t answer.

“Listen, Rafe, people mess up. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know that.” I turn to the wall and tap it with my fist in a play punch.

“And she gave you a second chance.”

I start to argue. I never needed a second chance. The wrong things I did, I did for her. But I stop myself. Quentin might have a point there.

“Listen,” I say, “I gotta go, but look into that for me.”

Lily texts back finally. Has she been talking to Liam this long?

OK. I’ll say I’m going for a run.

I head back out to the beach and walk in her direction. I’m close to the beach house when I see her walking my way. She jogs to meet me and I wrap my arms around her, lifting her off the sand. Even when I put her down, I don’t let go. I want to smell her soft scent and feel her warmth, not to mention her body pressed to mine. “God, you feel good.”

She’s holding onto me just as tightly. 

I finally loosen my hold and step back. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

We turn and head back toward my house and she asks, “You okay?”

“It’s going to be a weird week. I have to spend a day with each woman and then pick one to leave,” I tell her. I guess that’s why I wanted to see her, to talk about all this.

“Have to?” she jokes, and I’m glad she’s not mad about it.

“And you’re going to be last.”

“They picked the order already, huh?” she says, and I realize maybe she’s playing it cool when it does bother her.

“I’m going to pull names out of a hat or jar or something, but the papers will actually be blank so we can control the order.” Saying that, I realize she might ask why she’s last. She doesn’t.

She really laughs and shakes her head. “I wonder if viewers know how much of these reality shows are scripted and controlled. Maybe real life is too boring?”

“Our lives haven’t been boring,” I say, looking over at her. There’re more houses down here and light coming down the beach. She’s on the far side so her face is in the light. “You doing okay with this show stuff?”

She shrugs.

“Lily, come on. We can be honest with each other.”

She heaves a sigh. “I came into it knowing it could be hard. I wasn’t sure if you’d talk to me at first.”

“But we’re through that.”

“Yeah, we’re talking,” she says.

“It bothers you, me having to spend time with them?”

“What do you think?” She says it lightly, almost on a laugh. She never did like being vulnerable. Me neither.

“You know, Samantha really believes she and Mel are good friends now, but I doubt it,” I say, while checking how close we are to my place. “You and Kara on the other hand, you two seem like genuine friends.”

“I hope so.” She’s not looking at me so I can’t see her face. I wonder if it gets weird for them, being friends now and being on this show together. I decide to let the topic drop since it’s awkward anyway.

“But if it weren’t for the show, we wouldn’t have met again and had a chance to fix the old mistakes.”

She nods. A few steps later she asks, “What about you? Isn’t it weird having a whole group of women wanting to date you?”

I laugh and tell her the story of the motorcycle accident taking me out of training, and Quentin talking me into doing the show to kill time. “So I wasn’t worried about dating or finding anyone. It wasn’t like that. I would have rather done an extreme sports show or something to do with MMA. Quentin thought this would raise my profile though.”

“And now?”

“Now?”

“Maybe you weren’t looking for this, but don’t you like having all of us chase you?”

I gaze up at the stars for a minute. “I didn’t pick any of the women. Imagine if it were flipped, and it was random guys on a show with you. It’s just hit or miss if you like them.”

She’s staring at me, listening hard. Of course, guys are different. A lot of men would love to have attractive women chasing them. Shallow men, anyway.

I add, “I have liked it in the past, but I never let anyone in. I thought it was because you hurt me so much.”

She slides her arm through mine.

“Don’t apologize,” I say before she can speak. “I’m glad I didn’t get too involved with anyone. I just didn’t have time for anything serious. But it’s getting old. I know most men would love all this attention but I’m starting to think I want something real.”

This is real, right here with Lily. Even if we don’t take this thing between us anywhere, this is the most honest I’ve been with anyone in a long time. Maybe it’s because Lily and I were close before. I can talk to Quentin, but I haven’t opened up to a woman like this since Lily.

We’re coming up on my house and I ask, “Want to come in?”

She smiles. “Yeah.”

It’s a smaller version of the beach house where the women are staying. Both places look like the other mini mansions on the coastline. As I let her inside, I turn and catch her yawning.

“I was wondering if I’m the only one getting tired from doing this,” I say with a laugh.

“Sneaking out?” she says. “And putting up with Mel. And Liam. God!”

“You’ve had a way harder time than me... and here I am complaining about women chasing me around.” I walk behind her to massage her shoulders. Her shoulders and back are really knotted up. I feel them drop and relax under my hands.

“Oh my God, that feels awesome.”

“I’m not going to let Liam or that other show air that clip about you,” I say. It’s out of the blue but it’s been sitting on the tip of my tongue. Lily stiffens.

“Can you really stop that? Everyone knows now. I’m not sure there’s any way to hide it.”

“It doesn’t need to get aired on national television.” I don’t know how I’m stopping it yet, but I’ll find a way.

She doesn’t say anything else. I want her to relax so I drop it for now. Maybe she’s accepted that it’s coming out, but I’m not going to sit back and let Mel do that to her.

“Do you need to go back?” I ask, concerned. “Get some sleep?”

She turns to look at me over her shoulder. I can tell from her stricken expression that’s the last thing she wants. She shakes her head. “No, I want to see you. I wanted to see your place.”

She walks around, taking in the furniture and decorations.

“Well, it’s just temporary, for the show. I didn’t pick any of that out.” I go to the fridge and get us both a beer. “Want to watch Netflix and just chill out?”

“Netflix and chill?” she asks with a wicked grin. I’ve heard the term too, and while I want to hook up, I’m still having doubts about if sex will make this even more complicated. It could be just sex, or it could make things between us more serious. That would just cloud things even more. I’m already mixed up about how I feel about Lily, and if I can fight the growing need I have for her. Do I want to let her all the way in again?

The way she’s staring at me and sticking out that hip drive me crazy. I grin and run my fingers across her waist. “When did you get so naughty?”

I wasn’t planning to but I pull her close. I take her beer and set them both down. Lily wraps her arms around my neck, our bodies close, and I feel her nestle into me. It loosens stress I didn’t know I was feeling. From the way she holds me, I think she needs it too. We stay there a long time.

This feels so natural and right. It felt that way before with Lily, but we really were just kids with big dreams back then. I messed up trying to fix things for her. Maybe I can do a better job now. The past is the past, though.

I just have to figure out how to get past it. I did in every other area of my life.

But for now, I just need more—more of her, more from her. I trail my fingers up and down her back. Her body responds, her lower back pushing against my fingers. I smile into her hair and tease my way back up her back, then down again, and her ass bumps against my hands again. I can’t help myself. I slide them down to cup her ass and pull her against me.

She looks up at me with those big brown eyes, being completely open. She’s not holding anything back. I take her face in my hands and look deep into her eyes before slowly kissing her. I intentionally take my time, exploring her lips and mouth, teasing and pulling back, making her moan and try to pull me closer. 

But at the back of my mind I know I shouldn’t tease too much unless I’m going to follow through. And, damn, do I want to follow through. I slide my hand up her shirt, feeling over her bra, making her body dance against my hand. When she tilts her head to one side, I kiss a trail down her neck and nibble my way back up. My other hand is up the back of her shirt, ready to unhook her bra, when she leans forward into me. I lift my head and our eyes meet, and suddenly I notice the dark circles under her eyes and how tired she looks.

Maybe this should wait. I pull her against me and wrap my arms around her, keeping just enough space so that she won’t feel my erection. I’m throbbing for her but I feel her yawn against my chest.

“This show’s kinda drained us, huh?” I ask.

She leans back and laughs, looking tired but happy. “Yeah, you could say that.”

I take her hand so she’ll follow me to the couch. “Let’s get all domestic,” I say, lying down in the corner of the sectional couch. She lies down on the other section on her back with her hand resting on my chest. I wrap an arm over her shoulder and across her stomach, just under her breasts. It feels nice. Really nice.

But I remember I promised her some answers and know we need to talk.

“The other night, I did want to wait till we have a condom, but I don’t want to push things. I don’t want to mess this up while we’re still figuring it out.”

She’s quiet for a minute, tracing designs on my shirt.

“I’m okay with that,” she finally says. “I wanted you bad, but I’m okay with that. As long as...”

“As what?”

“What did you mean by I give you bad dreams?”

I take a deep breath, making her head rise on my chest. “When I first got out, I had these nightmares about the other inmates coming after me. I had to keep my guard up in there. I couldn’t even sleep well. I had to always watch.”

“Ever since you got out?”

“No, they went away. I talked it through and went to groups with guys who were dealing with similar things.” I stroke her hair, stuck between wanting to tell the truth and not wanting to hurt her.

“I don’t see how I have anything to do with that.” As she speaks, her words slow down, like she’s putting it together. “You blame me for putting you in there?”

“Lily, no!” I tug her hair gently so she’ll look up at me. “I don’t blame you. And you didn’t put me in there.” She may have called the cops, but only to protect me and keep me alive.

She lifts her head. “Then why?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. I haven’t had a nightmare in a long time, and I see you, and suddenly they’re back.” There, it’s out there now. I watch her face but she doesn’t seem hurt. It’s her thinking face. She lays her head back down.

“Listen, you don’t have anything to do with the nightmares. I just had to figure things out. My emotions got thrown into a spin, that’s all. They’ve been getting better.”

I’m still holding the remote and the TV is on the Netflix welcome screen. But I don’t do anything. I just wait to see if she’ll say anything. When she doesn’t, I do.

“I tried staying away from you to see if the nightmares went away again.”

“Did they?” Now there’s hurt in her voice. I know it was shitty to take off on her that morning at the cabin.

“No, they didn’t. I kept having them until I started seeing you more. Being around you more, it got better and the nightmares all but went away. You calm me. I had it backwards before.”

“How do you even know it’s related?” she asks.

“I don’t. Maybe it wasn’t. I just know I like being with you like this. And I need you. I was wrong to think you caused the nightmares—I’m just glad I worked through it again.”

Her hand flattens on my stomach and she moves her body closer to mine. Maybe I gave her the answer she needed. It’s all I have to give right now.

I flip through shows while feeling Lily breathing under my arm and wanting to slide my hand up for a feel. Then I realize she’s breathing like she’s asleep. It almost makes me laugh. I’m tired as fuck too and let her be. The show runs and I close my eyes.

Six years ago, I would have never thought this possible. We were two kids trying to work our way out of a sleazy trailer park. Now we’re tangled up on the couch in a nice house on the beach. We went through hell to get here, but we’re here. That’s what I want to focus on.

Tomorrow I’ll think about the future. About if I can trust Lily again. If I can let her in. If I can have a future with her. 

The noise of the TV and Lily’s warmth lulls me to sleep.

Movement wakes me up. My chest feels cold and I realize Lily got up. My first thought is I had a nightmare and woke her up, but I didn’t. In fact, I haven’t had one in a while. Sleeping here like this with her calmed me this time. 

I look around until I see her sliding on her sandals by the door.

“Babe, what are you doing?” I want her to come back.

“I have to get back. It’s three in the morning. I want to get back before Kara wakes up.”

Wow, we slept half the night. I rub my face as she straightens her clothes, then pauses and turns to me. I pull her in for a kiss, and say, “Sure you don’t want to stay all night? We could go back to sleep.”

“I want to, but I can’t.”

Why not?

I’m so sleepy the words stay in my head, and then I hear her leave. But Kara must already know she’s not there... which makes me wonder if Lily didn’t want to stay.

***

Life feels a lot better after a good night’s sleep. I lie in bed for a few minutes with last night on my mind, and putting a smile on my face. I text Lily before getting up, but I don’t ask why she left last night. If I do ask about it, I’ll do it in person. I go for a run and a workout at the gym before heading to the beach house to join the women for the day’s event.

When I reach the beach house, it dawns on me Lily might have left because she was upset that I’ll be spending a day with each woman. She can’t like it. I tried to put her at ease last night, but I know this is still going to be tough.

I find the women in the big room, listening to Liam. I grind my teeth just from the sight of him. We need to keep a working relationship, I remind myself. But that doesn’t mean I have to like him.

I wait just outside the door until Liam gives me a nod, and then the cameras record my entrance.

“Rafe, right on time! Tell the girls what we have in store for them.”

Liam hands me a hat filled with pieces of blank paper. I’ll say the papers have names on them, of course. I had been undecided on seeing Lily either first or last, and Liam talked me into putting her last. That way I’ll have that to look forward to.

Mel’s wearing a green summer dress and almost spilling out of the top. Sam and Heather are dressed nice too. Kara’s in leggings and a T-shirt and Lily’s in a black T-shirt and running shorts. She doesn’t have to dress up to look hot. It stops me for a few beats.

“We’re getting down to the last few of you,” I say, glancing around at each of them. “So instead of a challenge, we’re going to do something different this week. I’m going to spend a day with each of you, starting today.”

They all break into smiles except Lily.

“I’ll determine who gets the day by drawing your names out of this hat. And the first one will be... Kara.” I go through the motions and draw the rest of their names, and then ask, “So, Kara, what do you want to do today? You can let me know later if you like.”

“No, I can tell you now. I want to have lunch overlooking the beach.”

That’s it? Not even dinner? I wonder if there’s something I’m not seeing here. I glance at Liam. That’s a simple request. He raises his eyebrows.

“Are you sure?” he asks. “You can go out for a night on the town, out on a sailboat, off to an event...”

“No, I just want lunch.”

“Just lunch?” Liam doesn’t appear to like the idea. Kara senses that too and gives him a secretive smile. It’s enough to win him over. “All right, if that’s what you want.” He glances at his wristwatch. “So you can meet Rafe out front at eleven.”

The women start to get up when Liam holds up a hand. “One more thing...”

I know what he wants.

“This isn’t a challenge, but after I’ve spent a day with each of you, one of you will be going home.”

That dims the excitement, but once I’m done talking, Mel, Heather, and Samantha surround me to talk. Kara and Lily hang back, talking to each other. I’m still talking to the first three women  when Lily starts to leave. It takes all of my control not to call out and stop her. We both know the deal. She gives me a sad smile, and I know she has to get out of here instead of watching this.

Realizing I know her that well makes me smile to myself. But it’s followed by a stab to my heart. Here I am so close,but so far away. She’s the only one I want.

Funny, I’ve been worried about trusting Lily again, but I can only imagine what’s going through her brain while I spend time with these other women. Damn.

***

I walk up to the front of the beach house daydreaming about taking off on this show, just telling Liam to fuck off, and then leaving. I could grab Lily and we can go work through the shit we need to work through, and see if we have a chance or not. But I’m a man of my word. A lot of people have big money riding on this, and they’ve put in a shitload of planning, time, work and enthusiasm. Honestly, I think it’ll be a good show once it’s out.

But if we took off, Lily and I might have a better chance of talking things through and making it. Then again, I can handle this. If we’re meant to be, we’ll make it work.

Kara comes out of the house in a tank top, skinny jeans, and heels. The tank top is more Lily’s style. They might be rubbing off on each other. And this might be a little strange because they seem to be getting closer. I try to smile but don’t feel it. Lily and I have been connecting and clearing out the hurts and miscommunications. We should explore it more but here I am, taking out four other women this week.

The limo is waiting for us and I let her go first.

“Right this way, milady,” I say.

“Thanks.” She slides in quickly. I get in, curious just how much Lily shares with her. We make small talk as the limo takes us to a posh restaurant with outdoor seating. There’s a light breeze and music playing, making for a nice atmosphere, but we just look over the menu in silence. It’s not romantic, especially in the middle of the day and all. Did Kara think about that? I order a bottle of wine with our food, to see if that lightens things up. I want her to enjoy herself, even if I’m not feeling this.

“So... lunch overlooking the beach,” I say, leaning back in my chair. “You could have picked just about anything. Skydiving, surfing, a day of shopping or something. ”

“I know.” She smiles and it comes across sad. “I want to leave the show.”

“What?” I sit up, surprised.

She bursts out laughing. “What, you’ve never had anyone stop chasing you before?”

“Why?” I actually want to know. Honestly, after Lily, she’s the one I’d mesh with the best. Kara is tough, too, so this is strange.

Kara’s laughter and smile fade. “I know the deal, Rafe. I see what’s happening, and Lily’s my friend.” She gazes out at the ocean and shrugs. “I know when to throw in the towel, that’s all. I want to leave after today, and then in four days when you kick someone off, pick me.”

I’m stunned, but I can’t blame her. I respect her for it. Damn, it takes balls to come out and say it and take care of things like this.

What would Liam think of it? I glance around for the cameraman. We’re being taped, but the camera is too far away to catch what we talk about. Suddenly I realize she said everything quietly, maybe even so quietly that it didn’t get caught on tape. She’s smart and beautiful and I’ve liked her from the beginning, but now I know I’ve seen her more as Lily’s friend than someone I want to be with.

“If that’s what you want,” I say, but I’m relieved.

“It is.” Her eyes and expression are still sad though.

“Then we can be friends,” I say as our wine arrives. I hold up my glass and we clink.

“To being friends.”

I have to admit I’m relieved that it won’t come down to Kara and Lily, just to avoid the hurt feelings and awkwardness of that.

“You know she loves you, right?” Kara asks, surprising me for a second time.

Yeah, I knew that, didn’t I?

She raises an eyebrow at me. “And you love her, you’re just too stubborn and stupid to see it.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m being stupid or stubborn. Love’s a powerful word,” I tell her carefully. “Not one I want to throw around.”

She nods. It’s a much bigger issue, but not one I can discuss with her. My own parents never said “I love you” to me. The only person I’ve ever said it to was Lily...and then she betrayed me. Or at least, I thought she did. Now I know it wasn’t like that, but I still have this huge mountain blocking me from going into the “love” zone. It’s not something I can do easily.

I set my glass down slowly. “Wow, this is not how I expected today to go.”

She laughs and picks up her fork. “You don’t have to admit anything to me, Mr. Alpha.”

The problem is, I’m not ready to admit anything to myself yet either. It’s a big fucking deal if Lily is my soul mate.