Lily

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It’s just for the show, I tell myself. I’m not worried about Rafe spending time with Sam or the other women, but it’s hard not to feel down about it.

Kara finds me lying in bed a couple of hours later.

“Let’s go for a swim,” she says, pulling out her swimsuit.

I’m not too excited but I say, “Pool or beach?”

She bursts out laughing. “Can you believe we have a choice like that? Here we are staying in a nice house by the beach with a pool and wet bar right out back. In fact, we should have a drink and some fun. Come on. Get up!”

Well, if she can smile right now, I should get my ass in gear and get going. So I change and we head out back, stopping by the bar to mix up a shaker of margaritas before hitting the pool. We get wet first and then float around on big inflatable chairs with cup holders and built-in pillows.

“Now this is the life,” Kara says. Her eyes might be shut under her shades. We sip our drinks and float around, talking and laughing. It might be early for margaritas, but they were just what I needed. No one else comes out. Kara tells me about her life and I tell her more about growing up with Rafe, my mom, and my friend Nathan. That leads into my life back when I was stripping, and I tell her about that too.

“You know, this show isn’t turning out how I expected at all, but I don’t regret coming here,” she tells me. We’re floating side by side, and when I look over she pulls down her sunglasses to meet my gaze.

“I’m glad we both came here too.”

We end up making another shaker and playing in the pool until we get hungry.

“Let’s change and go grab dinner,” I tell her as my stomach growls again. “You can pick. But we probably don’t need drinks!”

We’re pretty happy when we go upstairs to change and agree on getting a cab to take us into town. I’m in our room and glance at my phone as a text comes in. There’re several waiting for me from Rafe, and the first one says, I’m making the ugliest painting known to mankind.

There isn’t a photo attached, so I’m guessing he sent the text secretly. He wouldn’t be rude to Sam and sit there texting me anyway. I’m curious how the day is going outside of painting. Is he having fun with her? I groan as Kara comes into the room, back in dry clothes. She sees my expression and narrows her eyes in her tell me look.

“He’s out there painting with her... I don’t know how it’s going.”

I glance down to see another text. I’m thinking about you. And how you pushed my hand down between your legs...

Oh, man. I try not to react in front of Kara. That gets more and more difficult because while Kara and I get sushi, Rafe sends me a few more texts. Some are sweet but one is rather naughty: I loved it when you were on top and grinding into me.

The next one says, meet me later?

Of course, I reply.

I put my phone away. Kara smiles but doesn’t say anything. We try to have fun for the next few hours. I know Rafe probably can’t get away before that anyway. We’re home, and it’s much later when he texts again, telling me he had to set something up.

Wear something for outside weather.

It’s not cold here in California but I change into pants and a shirt just in case. We meet out front at eleven.

“I’ve missed you,” he says, making my heart feel like it’s turning in happy circles. “I needed to see you.” He pulls me close and his cologne surrounds me. It’s light and tantalizing, matching him perfectly.

“Me too...especially since you were texting the way you were.”

He laughs softly with his face pressed into my neck so it tickles. We hold onto each other for a long moment before he breaks away with a big grin.

“Come on, we’ll take my car. I have a surprise for you.” He takes my hand and practically pulls me to his black BMW convertible. I haven’t seen him this happy and eager in a while.

“So you won’t tell me what we’re doing?” I ask as we drive off.

“Nope! I’m whisking you away on a surprise date.”

I laugh at his word choice. He puts the top down and asks if it’s too windy, but it’s perfect. I like the warm night wind and the sound it makes.

We drive out of town. Just past the city limits, Rafe takes an exit and drives through a giant empty parking lot.

“Isn’t this the fairgrounds?” I ask just as something big lights up a ways ahead of us. It’s a Ferris wheel. “They’re open this late?”

He parks right outside the main gate and turns off the car, then throws me a smile.

“No, they’re usually not.”

“Then how...?”

He rushes around and opens my car door and offers his hand to me. We walk into the park together, and it’s strange because it’s empty and partly dark. The only attraction running is the Ferris wheel up ahead. I tighten my grip on his hand as we approach, and he pulls my hand up to kiss it.

“It won’t be scary, I promise. I’ll be right here.”

“You remember too much sometimes,” I say with a laugh. It’s funny that I’m nervous. I’ve always wanted to do this. We would lie out under the stars as kids and pretend we were way up high on one of these, looking at the stars and out over the city. It just seemed like we could rise above all of our problems way up there.

A small man with a moustache and a big smile steps up to the gate that surrounds the ride. “Mr. Maddox. Madam... your ride awaits.”

He helps us into one of the baskets and locks it, then pulls the lever to start the ride. Carnival music starts up. I laugh as we take off and slowly swing out and up.

“I wanted the other rides off so we could see the city lights,” Rafe says by my ear. He rests his arm around me and pulls me closer against him. I’m expecting to feel more nervous as we rise, but the ride is slow. More of the city comes into view as we go up.

“Much quieter than the helicopter,” he says.

“Yeah, we can talk.” I lean my head back. “And look up!”

Rafe bends his head back and we watch the stars move as our basket reaches the top and starts down the other side. We pass the ride conductor and he nods.

Halfway up the other side, Rafe says, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day, Lily.”

“Even while painting with Samantha?” I know he’s being sweet, so I’m not sure why I said that.

“You know who has my heart.”

I turn to him and he kisses my lips quickly. I do know. And maybe I don’t want or need to hear about his day with Samantha. I settle back into him and watch out the other way. His arms are around me, holding me close and keeping me warm. I cross my arms so I can reach up and take his hands. I feel him smile against my cheek.

I can’t believe he thought of this! He must have paid a lot of money to have the park operate for him when it should have been closed. He’s a real celebrity with money...which I knew, of course. He has this BMW and travels, and it’s why he got his own dating show. His fame and money haven’t intimidated me... until now.

Because now I know we might have a real chance.

I tighten my hold on his hands.

“You’re the only one I want, Lily,” he says, almost like he knows what I’m thinking. We’ve been so close that maybe he does know how my brain operates. “We’re almost to the end of this show and then we don’t have to worry about it.”

“But you still have a day with Heather.”

“I know...but let’s forget about all that for now. I need a break from it. You probably do too, right? I want to be in this moment, here, with you. Just you.”

“Okay.” I can live with that! A minute later I ask, “So is this my day with you?”

“What? Oh, no, this is our secret. I’m planning something even bigger for your day.”

“You are? Any hints?” I ask, knowing of course he won’t give away anything. Not Rafe. He loves to set up a surprise. He laughs, knowing he doesn’t have to say anything. We both know his answer.

I lean into him and rest my head on his chest as we coast around the giant circle.

“I didn’t think our paths would ever cross again,” he says quietly, his fingers rubbing a circle on my arm. “But I thought about you a lot. I wondered where you’d gone and how things turned out. I worried, too.”

“You did?” I lift my head to look at him.

He returns my gaze, his eyes dark and troubled.

“Yeah, well, after the way things ended. I was trying to keep you from stripping, and then you just disappeared. Sometimes I worried you’d gotten pulled into something even worse.” He takes my face in one hand like he’s studying me, making sure I can’t go anywhere.

“I worried about you too... in prison. I wanted to make it right but I didn’t know how.”

“I knew I couldn’t do anything to help you from in there. I had to watch my back all the time, and it was even worse because I had things to take care of on the outside.” He sighs, watching the city out on the horizon as we come down the side of the ride. “But things are better. I made my life better. You got on this show to find me again.”

“And we’re here now.” I lean into him again, thinking about getting through this show. It shouldn’t be anything compared to what we’ve both been through before this. My childhood taught me to be tough. I know I can handle this now, and I’m doing it for Rafe. That’s been motivating me all along. “We have each other again, just like old times.”

“Better than old times,” he says, squeezing me. “Are you ready to leave?”

“Yeah, we can go. This was perfect, Rafe. Thank you.”

He waves to the ride conductor, and soon we’re driving back to the house. We put the top up this time, and it makes it feel cozy inside the car. I relax and watch him, the way his muscles move in his arm and how his face lights up when he glances at me. We’ve gotten comfortable with each other again so we can talk about anything. That thought makes me realize I haven’t told him about Nathan. It sticks in my throat now. I want so badly to share that part of my life with Rafe, but it might hurt him to know another man helped me through the hard times. I open my mouth, but Rafe speaks first.

“I can’t wait until your real date day.” He pulls my hand up to his mouth and kisses it. We pass the turnoff for the beach house and Rafe continues on to his place. It doesn’t feel like the right moment to tell him now.

“I can’t either,” I answer, deciding there will be plenty of time later to share more. He might even have things in his life he hasn’t told me about either.

“Are you tired?” he asks me as we get out of the car. “You’ve been quiet.”

I wait until he unlocks the door to answer.

“Tired?” I repeat. “Maybe. Not too tired for certain things.” I’m never too tired to make love to him. He catches me checking him out, dragging my gaze over his entire body, actually.

“Come on.” He goes to the kitchen and grabs a bag out of the refrigerator, and then we walk out back and out to the sand. The back floodlight from the house lights the way. Ahead of us, it looks like someone built a sand castle, only it’s rounded. As we get closer, I see it’s actually the back of a love seat built out of sand. It’s set up so we can sit down and watch the ocean. The back is bumped up and in front, there’s an area dug out for our feet. It even has a pad that folds in the middle so it covers the bottom and back of the love seat.

“What is this?” I’m amazed. There’s a table in front of the love seat and he sets out plates.

“This is your romantic evening.” He takes a lighter from his pocket and lights the red lantern candles.

“Warm enough?” He grabs a blanket from somewhere and wraps it around me, and then he gets a corkscrew out of a basket and opens a bottle of wine. “And hungry?”

“A little.”

He sets the table with cheese, grapes, meat, and crackers.

“This is nice for a midnight snack,” I tell him, trying one of the cheeses. He brought six different kinds and some thin smoked beef. We sit close, nibbling cheese and crackers and watching the crescent moon rise over the ocean.

He must love me. Why else would he do all this, the Ferris wheel and this romantic midnight picnic? He’s showing me he loves me. It’s in his eyes and his words.

He takes my chin and turns my face to him, then kisses me slow and soft. He kisses my mouth, then my cheek, then my forehead. This is a new side to him. He leans back and strokes my face. Love is written all over his face. He has to love me again.

My heart is filled with warmth and love and everything in me feels like it’s going to burst. I can’t hold back anymore.

“Rafe,” I whisper. “I love you.” Did I want him to hear that? My words are quiet and the breeze seems to take them away, but his face changes enough that I think he heard.

He stares at me. Maybe he’s going to ignore it, like he did before, but he makes a soft sound.

“Lily...”

“You don’t love me?” Of course it’s the worst thing I can say and my voice quivers.

“It’s not like that.”

It’s not? I try to understand what he’s saying as hot tears pool in my eyes.

“Lily.” He wipes my eyes and kisses my eyelids. “I’m not ready to say it yet.”

Did he emphasize “say” or did I imagine that? So I ask him, “Why?”

“That’s such a big word.”

I feel my shoulders slump—my entire being slumps. Love is just too big to describe what he feels for me? And if he doesn’t love me now, will he ever? I can’t look at him. I want to run and hide, but he’s still holding my face.

“Did you know my parents never said it to me?”

“What?” I open my eyes, wondering if he could actually be serious about that. “Your mom didn’t?” I can see that from his dad, but his mom?

“Neither of them. You know my old man was hard. The only thing we ever did together was play cards. Only positive thing, anyway.”

“That was positive?” I ask, skeptical. Anything to do with his old man just brought more trouble.

“Well, yeah, maybe not. But he was spending time with me and teaching me something. They’re the best memories I have with him anyway. Then my mom, sometimes she said something like, ‘you did good,’ but that was it. I made her think of my dad. So we just never used that word.”

I take that in, trying to wrap my brain around it. What would it do to anyone to never hear that from their parents? Did he ever say it to them? He told me he loved me back then.

I suck in my breath just as he says, “You’re the only person I’ve ever heard that from, and the only person I’ve ever said it to.”

I can’t breathe after hearing that. Finally I ask, “Not even your mom and dad? You didn’t tell them?”

He shrugs, and it’s full of hurt and anger. I realize he might have been too scared to say it and ask if they loved him. We gaze at each other in the soft light, and strangely I feel closer to him right now than I ever have before.

“I want to really mean it when I say it.”

I nod, a tear making its way down my cheek. He kisses that one away too. If this isn’t love, I don’t know what is. Rafe kisses my wet cheek and my mouth, and I lean into the kiss and deepen it. I want to show him my love with my actions. He doesn’t have to say the words for me to hear them, and I want him to feel it from me too.

He pulls back just enough to talk against my mouth. “You always wanted to make love on the beach...”

I want him so bad it hurts, and suddenly I’m trembling and yanking his shirt over his head. Rafe slides out of the rest of his clothes. He kneels down in front of me while I’m still on the bench so he can slip my pants and panties off together in one pull. It only takes a second to rip open a condom and slide it on. Then he grabs my legs behind the knees and pulls my body against his, thrusting inside of me.

“Oh God!” I scream.

“You like that?”

“Yes, more!”

I need more of him and more of this. I want to get crazy with him and make him forget all the pain he’s been through. I know he’s making me forget everything except how he’s moving inside me.