I hurt like I've never hurt before. I can't even move without pain stealing my breath. I take shallow breaths. My throat feels like I swallowed a pack of razor blades. What the hell is tickling my nose? I try to reach up, but I can't.

I frown. I turn my head slightly and white hot pain lances through my skull. I can't hold back the whimper.

"She's awake," someone says quietly.

"Ring the nurse."

Xander. He's here. I open my mouth to try to talk but I can't. What's wrong with me? I start to panic.

"Shh," Xan soothes. "You're okay, Tera. Here."

He rubs a swab full of water around my lips, inside and out. I'm thirsty. I want to guzzle a gallon of water. When I go to ask for water, my mouth won't open. I lift my hand to my mouth, touching it in a panic.

"You're okay, baby. You're okay."

He keeps trying to reassure me, but I know it's not true. Why can't I open my mouth? I can't breathe.

"Shh, shh," he soothes. "I'm sorry, baby. Stay calm. You can't talk. They had to wire your mouth closed."

I suck in a rush of air as I gasp.

"You're okay, Tera. You're okay."

I'm not okay. I can't remember why. I don't know why I'm in agony, why I can't talk, why I can barely move. I want to know. Hopefully the doctor will tell me because it looks as if Xander isn't going to.

I beg him with my eyes to tell me what's going on, then I realize they're closed. I'm seeing him in my mind. I know exactly what he looks like right now. He's afraid. He's worried. He's remorseful.

But why?

"More?" he asks, not waiting for an answer. He just places the swab in my mouth. I manage to close my lips around it and suck out the water. It hurts. My jaw. My face. My body. Everything. But that water feels magical.

I sigh with relief as the cold water flows over my aching throat. More. Then even more. He keeps swabbing my lips until my mouth isn't dry anymore. My throat still hurts but it's so much better.

"Mrs. Mackenzie?" a feminine voice questions.

I tense, and just open my mouth, then realize I can't. I don't know why I can't talk. I don't understand any of this. Why is my jaw wired closed?

I open my eyes just a tiny bit and the light shines too brightly. I gasp and close them again.

"I'm Vera, your nurse," she tells me.

Nurse? What happened? I tilt my head to the side slightly and slowly in question.

"You're in the hospital, T. You've been here for a couple weeks," Xander informs me.

I gasp. A couple weeks! I try to speak but it comes out as nothing but jibberish.

"Dr. Levine will be in shortly to give you a quick exam and answer any questions you have," Vera tells me as she finishes taking my blood pressure. Then she's gone.

"Xan," I manage to somehow communicate.

"You're okay, baby. You're okay."

"Water," I say. I sound so stupid but he understands.

Xander swabs water into my mouth until the doctor walks in.

"There she is," he says loudly, startling me. I jump and then I groan in agony. "Sorry. I didn't realize your eyes were closed. Let's take a look here." He listens to my heart. "Can you open your eyes, Tera?"

"No," I mutter as best as I can.

"I bet that hurts. Vera, do you mind turning the lights off for Mrs. Mackenzie and closing those curtains. The midday sunshine is a bit much after such a long sleep," the doctor directs.

"Hmm?"

"Can you try to open your eyes for me now, Tera? It's darker in here so it shouldn't hurt."

I try to open my eyes and they only open to slits. Even that hurts. I blink, forcing my eyelids to open further until they're fully open. Is that white gauze? I look down at my nose and lower face. It's covered in white. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. I look up, right, and left and see the same white. I can't control my breathing, the terror filling me. What happened to me? I want to shout it loud, to scream it until someone tells me.

"I'm going to shine a light in your eyes now to check your pupillary response," he warns. I recoil when the light hits my eyes. So bright. "Looks great."

I blink at him, staring at his face. He has a nice face. His eyes are warm and his smile soft. I like that.

"What's the last thing you remember, Tera?" he asks.

I blink again. The last thing I remember. I think hard, trying to remember what I was doing.

"Art."

He nods. "That's good. Do you remember anything else?" He has me follow his finger up, down, right, left while I think.

I point at Xander then make a fake phone with my hand.

"That's right, baby. We talked on the phone. You told me about all the great things that happened that day," Xan fills in for me.

I nod gently. Yes. I remember that. It starts coming back to me in flashes. My eyes open wide, I turn to meet Xander's gaze. His is soft and full of worry.

"No," I whisper, tears filling my eyes as the memories flood. "No," I whisper-shout. "No!"

"Shh, Tera. You're going to hurt yourself. You're okay. You're safe now. I promise you're safe now," Xan tells me. His eyes fill as tears run unchecked from my eyes.

"They," I squeak, then sob. "Oh God." I close my eyes in shame and humiliation. My silent tears turn to sobs as I remember it all. The pain. The punches. The kicks. What he did to me. "No, no, no."

I start to hyperventilate and then I panic even more.

"Okay, Tera," Dr. Levine says. "Look at me." I just keep my eyes closed. "Look at me," he commands, so I do. He nods. "Good. That's good. Now, slow breaths okay? Slow. In through your nose, out through your mouth. That's right. Breathe with me."

I do and I can breathe without it hurting.

"Water?" I ask as best as I can.

Xan swabs more into my mouth. It soothes immediately.

"Xan," I whisper.

"I'm here."

I beg him with my eyes to tell me this didn't happen. "Not bad dream. Real."

"No, baby. I'm sorry. It wasn't. I'm so fucking sorry," he says, almost pleading.

I shake my head a little. "No. Stop."

Dr. Levine smiles softly. "You've had a tube in your throat helping you to breathe. Are you ready to hear this?"

"Yes." I need to know.

"You sustained extensive trauma. You underwent multiple surgeries, and then we put you in a medically-induced coma to help your body and brain heal."

"Brain?" It comes out sounding like bwain.

"You had a brain bleed and swelling. We needed to remove a piece of your skull to allow the brain room for the swelling. Once the swelling went down, we replaced the piece of skull. I'm sorry to say, you have a bald spot in all that pretty hair," he informs me softly.

Brain swelling. Brain bleeding. Tube in throat to breathe for me. Coma.

"More?"

He pauses.

"What?" I ask, harsher this time. My voice is a little stronger.

Dr. Levine stares at me and I harden my gaze. He's going to tell me.

"Tell her," Xander tells him. Xan scoots his chair closer to the bed, lowering the rail between us. He touches my hand gently. "I'm here."

I nod.

And then Dr. Levine tells me. He tells me everything. I start to shake. Fear filling my body, my veins. My monitor starts beeping. I hear it beeping faster and louder. They tell me to breathe and calm down. I can't.

The nurse injecting something into my IV is the last thing I remember.

* * *

Carter visits and so does Shea. I can hardly stand for them to look at me. I'm… tainted. I sleep as much as I can. Every time I wake up and feel the pain, I press the pain medication button. The pain goes away and so do the memories.

* * *

Two weeks later and they start to wean the pain meds off. The bandage is off my face, but I don't want to see what I look like. I don't care. It doesn't matter. I'm so dirty. So unclean.

They caught the group and they all pled guilty. There was no way they wouldn't. The evidence was damning. Detective Jennings asked if I wanted to give a victim impact statement. I wrote on the dry erase board to just show the judge the photos. Tell him all the surgeries and injuries I had. Let that speak for itself.

Xander's been here all day every day. I love him for it. I do. But I want to be alone. I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to sleep. When I sleep I don't think about what happened. I've had some nightmares and wouldn't go to sleep after that. That's when they started giving me sleeping pills. Since then, it's been nothing but dreamless sleep. I welcome the dark void.

"They want to remove the wires tomorrow," Linc tells me.

I just look at him. He's lost so much weight worrying about me. He needs to stop. I'll be okay. I just need time. I need time for my body to heal. Then I'll deal with my mind and emotions.

"You'll get to talk," he continues.

I just close my eyes and pretend to sleep until I finally drift off for real.

***

Two more weeks and my casts come off. I have to have physical therapy, of course. I can't wiggle my toes. They say I should be able to in time. Everything is "in time”. I'm beginning to fucking hate that phrase.

Mr. DiMora and Angelina have been in contact with Xander. They said not to worry, they're still interested in my work and to take as much time as I need. At least there's that.

"Hey, baby," Xan greets as he walks in.

"Hey." I can't help but smile at him. He's so beautiful inside and out. He's been my rock these last six weeks, even when I was a total bitch to him. He doesn't deserve that.

"You ready to blow this pop stand?" he asks.

I nod. "I am so ready."

We get to the hall and I start to panic. There are a lot of people around. The further we get down the hallway, the faster my breathing gets. It's now coming out in short pants.

I reach back for Xan's hand where he's holding the handle to push my wheelchair. I grope frantically for it.

"Tera? What's wrong?"

I struggle for breath. "People. Too many people. I can't." Tears fall and Xan doubles back and into my room. He closes the door, sits in one of the chairs, and pulls me into his lap.

He rocks me back and forth slowly, soothing me with nonsensical words.

"Shh. It's okay. It's okay. You're safe now."

"It's not okay, Xan. How am I going to get home? I can't get on a plane with all those people. There's no way. Absolutely no way," I tell him loudly.

"Okay. Let me see what kind of magic I can work." He doesn't move me, he just grabs his phone from his pocket and starts making calls, all the while running his hands over my arms, my back, my hair. I burrow into him as far as I can go.

How am I going to be able to live like this?

* * *

Valium, a private car, and a private plane. That's the magic Xan worked two weeks ago. Then we had to do it all over again when I moved into my condo in New York City. Dante DiMora offered me a contract and I accepted, only I'd be here in NYC instead of LA. I'm not sure I can ever go back to LA.

Dr. Mac took a leave for the next two weeks to make sure I'm okay and to help me work out how to get food and things I need without having to leave the comfort of my own space.

I can't go out there. So much bad is out there. People. No one cares anymore. Not about anyone but themselves. Then there are the people like the ones who hurt me. My skin goes cold. The ones with no conscience. The ones who think hurting someone is fun. The ones who laugh even as you cry.

"You have to go back, Xander. Your eight weeks are up," I argue with him—again.

"How am I supposed to leave you? You don't just need me, I need you, too, Tera. I need to know you're okay. I want to be here for anything you need," he implores.

I shake my head. "You have a contract."

"Fuck," he growls.

"I'm staying."

I turn to Linc and he stands there, arms folded over his chest, a sure sign his mind is made up.

"You have a contract as well," I remind him.

He shakes his head. "Not anymore. I've been working on this for a while and it's now settled. I'm not doing anything on that stage that they can't do without. Keyboards aren't necessary and the soundboards anyone can do. The network and management all agree."

I sigh. "I don't want you to do this, Lincoln. This is your chance at something huge."

He shrugs. "I can take it or leave it. If I can say that, it's probably best if I leave it."

I can't argue with him on that. He's right.

"I'll stay here and help you, T. Don't tell me you don't need it. You do. At least for a while. I'll be your errand boy, your assistant, anything you need."

"Linc," I whisper. My heart is both filled with joy and pain at his decision. "It hurts me that you're giving up so much for me. I can manage. Dad is going to be here for two weeks. By then I'll have a plan in place."

He shakes his head. "Done deal, sister. I'm staying." He turns to Xan. "They can do without me but not without you. You need to go back and finish this out."

Xan swears a blue streak as he paces back and forth, his hands linked behind his neck.

"Xan," Linc says.

Xander looks over.

"You have to do this. You need to. This isn't just on you. It's on Jesse, Ben, Ethan, and Kennedy as well. I can be here for Tera and you can be there for them. This isn't easy on them either. They wanted two more weeks. And then they'd want another two. I'll make sure she's okay, man. I promise you," Linc tells him.

Xan looks at me, tears running down his cheeks. He drops to his knees in front of where I'm sitting in the chair, wraps his arms around my waist, and buries his face in my stomach.

I run my fingers through his hair, soothing him as he struggles. I don't want him to feel guilty. I can't live with that, just as I couldn't live with him giving everything up for me.

"Xander," I say softly. He doesn't look up, but I know he's listening. "I need you to do something for me. I need you to leave."

His head jerks up. His eyes are such a vivid blue. It's so easy to get lost in them. So easy.

"Linc, can you give us a minute?"

He nods and leaves the room.

"What are you doing, Tera?" Xan asks.

"What needs to be done. I'm not me right now, Xander. The way you're touching me right now is my limit. Anything more than that and I'll freak the fuck out. I need to heal my body some more, but most of all I need to heal my mind and that's going to take me a long time," I admit.

His brow furrows. "You don't want me here?"

"I didn't say that. I'm telling you you need to fulfill your obligations. You won't miss anything here—".

"I'll miss you," he interrupts.

"I'll miss you so much, Xan. God, I love you so much. More now than ever. You're my husband, the love of my life, and I'd be a really selfish person if I allowed you to throw away your career to sit here and do nothing while I paint, go to physical therapy, go see my shrink, and figure out how to heal. This part I need to do on my own. Even you can't do this for me, baby," I tell him gently.

He nods. "I know. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I'd been there. None of this would've happened."

"Stop that right now," I tell him as tears fall from my eyes. "You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Don't you dare feel guilty over this. Don't give them that. Don't give them anything."

"It's not that easy," he tells me with a watery smile.

"I know, baby. I know. This isn't easy for me to do. You've been my rock, but I don't want you to be my crutch. I know you're a phone call or a flight away. I promise you, if something happens, if I just need to talk to you to get me through a hard time, I will call you immediately, no matter the time. I'll interrupt you during a show. I promise." This is what he's asked of me. It's the least I can do for the man who owns my heart and soul, the man who's looked out for me for the last eight weeks without so much as a complaint.

He lets out a sigh of frustration. "I don't want to do this."

"I know. But you have to."

He looks into my eyes and I feel him searching for something—the truth. I let him see it. I let him see that I need him to do this not only for himself and his career, but for me as well. He can't miss out on something so amazing because he wants to sit here and make sure I'm okay. I can't allow him to do that. At some point he'd realize what he gave up and he'd resent me, especially if my career takes off. I couldn't live with that.

"For you, my wife, I'll do anything," he says softly. "I'll come home as often as I can."

"I know. That's perfect. I need you to play your ass off for me. I need you to enjoy this, Xander, because it's the beginning of the rest of your life. We've already got our beginning, let's just add this to that, okay?" I ask.

"I love you so much, Tera Mackenzie. I can't live without you," he tells me before kissing me so slowly and tenderly it's as if he's making love to me with his mouth.

"You'll never have to live without me, Xander. You're my husband and I'm the old ball and chain," I tease.

He smirks a little. "You'll never be that. You'll always be my heart."

"As you are mine."

He kisses me again until we're interrupted by his phone. He looks at it. It's Jesse.

"You need to get going, Xan. This is no different than the last time we were apart," I explain. "While you're out there, Xander, I want you to forgive yourself. Nothing was your fault. You were doing the right thing. I would have never been okay with you risking your career for that night."

"I'd give up everything for you and never regret it for a minute."

He means it. He really does. But time has a way of changing things, turning things around and, sometimes, making them ugly.

"I love you, Xander Mackenzie. Make me prouder than I already am."

"I promise," he whispers against my lips. One last lingering kiss and he walks out. I know that cost him, to not look back, but if he had, he wouldn't have gone, and I love him too much to let him stay.

* * *

Three months later and I'm still not me. This is unfair to Xander on so many levels, so I'm going to do something that will haunt me. I'm doing this for him.

"Xander," I say.

"Yeah, baby," he replies. Phone calls have become our life.

"I need you to do something for me."

"Anything."

I close my eyes. "I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be well again."

"What? I thought you were doing better?" he asks.

"I am, I am. That's not what I mean." I take a steadying breath. "I mean as far as intimacy goes."

"Baby, I'm not worried about that."

"I am."

He pauses. "What? Why?"

"This isn't fair to you. I know what it's like out there on the road, the women, the opportunities. Before…" I swallow down a sob. "Before, when I was able to make love to you, this was okay. But I can't give you that right now and I don't know when I'll be able to."

"What's going on, Tera?" He sounds so confused, almost hurt and I don't blame him. I'm feeling the same.

"I'm going to make a deal with you. While you're there and I'm here and we're unable to change any of that, I want you to know that it's okay if you fuck other women."

"What did you just say?" he bites out. "I don't want to fuck other women."

"Please. Hear me out."

Silence. He's upset, angry. I'm breaking my own heart.

"If you want to fuck someone, I have two rules. Always use a condom and never let it get personal. If ever it gets personal with someone, I'd like to know and we can discuss it, figure out where to go from there," I tell him sadly.

"Let me see if I get this right. You're giving me permission to fuck chicks if I use a condom and it's just a hook up." Oh, that tone. Yes, he's definitely angry.

I'm so sorry, Xander. I need to give you this. I'm too broken to give you me.

"Yes, that's right."

Silence. I wait.

"When you get better are you going to fuck other guys?" he bites out.

"That's not in my plans, no."

"But it's not out of the question."

"I don't know what the future has in store, Xan."

"Jesus Christ, Tera. You want an open marriage?"

"No. No. An open marriage implies it's okay for you to fuck the same person more than once or let it mean something. That's not okay. Just the physical act. Just a fuck," I answer, digging my nails into my forearm to stop myself from crying.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I love you more than any of that. Because you're a man and you have needs. I heard Ben talking about how amped up you are when you come off that stage, how fucking someone gives you the release you need to come down from that adrenaline high. I don't want you to suffer in any way, shape, or form. I love you more than any of this, Xander."

I sob into the pillow as I wait for him to speak.

"I don't think I can do that, Tera."

"Just know that if you need to, it's okay. Oh, one more rule. I never want to know about it. Ever."

He chuckles and it's such a sad sound.

"So, condom. No one that matters—just a fuck. Keep it quiet. I don't want to see you in the tabloids like that. I don't think… It just wouldn't be okay. I don't ever want to know about it," I say again.

"I heard the rules the first time, T. I don't understand any of this. I fucking love you so much. I don't need other women. I've got my hand until you're ready, no matter how long it takes. I don't care. You hear me? I don't care. I'll wait forever for you," he says.

"I hear you. I love you more than anything, Xander."

"I love you, too, baby. So fucking much." I hear someone call for him. "Fuck. I gotta go. Another appearance."

"Go do me proud, baby," I encourage.

"Always. Anything for you. I'll talk to you soon, baby. Feel me love you from here," he tells me.

"Feel me loving you back."

I hang up and then I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.