"What do you mean she's not staying here anymore, Linc?" I growl.

"This morning we talked with your dad and Mr. and Mrs. Martinez. Tera decided it's best for her to stay with the Martinez'," Linc informs me.

What the fuck? After we just had that kiss? After I told her… after I told her I was no good for her. Damn it.

"Yeah," I croak out. I clear my throat. "That's probably the best decision."

Linc bites his lip. "You know it is, man. There's plenty of time to figure out whatever's between you two."

"Yeah, I guess." I don't really believe that because I know, I just know someone's going to grab her up for their own. She's beautiful, even at twelve.

"She'll still be around. She'll come here for supper and breakfast and shit. Plus, she'll be living, what? Three? Four hundred feet away in the guest house?" Linc mentions.

"True. She won't be too far away." Not physically, but emotionally we'll be an ocean apart. I finish my water and toss the bottle. "This is better for her. She's safe there."

Linc nods. "We'll be picking up our shit after school tomorrow. My mom and that Eddie dude are in jail. My bitch of a mom threw that dick under the bus so she wouldn't get charged with as much. Too bad Eddie mentioned the bitch was dealing H." Linc smirks and I join him.

"So they're both screwed."

"And then some. He also told the cops about how she encouraged him to touch Tera and how she laughed when he did. So, she's so screwed."

"Good. That's good." That makes me feel better. Tera really is safe now.

"I'm sorry to drag you into this shit, man."

"Who're you talking to, brother?" I say and Linc nods. "We're family."

"Thanks."

"Knock it off," I tease and give his shoulder a shove. "Next thing you're gonna start talking about tampons and makeup and shit."

He looks around. "Fuck off, Xan." He laughs.

My dad's okay with some of the swearing, but saying fuck is pushing it. We make sure no one's around when we say it so we don't ruffle anyone's feathers. A peaceful house is a happy house.

"Where's she now?" I ask.

"At Shea's," Linc answers, eyeing me.

"Think she's into the brother?" I ask.

"I don't know. Would you have a problem with that?"

I might be a little tweaked about it, but that doesn't play into things at all.

"Nah." That's a lie. "Whatever makes her happy." That's the truth.

"Cool. Let's go get some practice in. The guys are waiting."

For the next three hours I bang the hell out of my drums.

* * *

"There are two cops at the door, Dad."

He walks into the hallway and pauses. "How can I help you, officer?"

"Doctor Matthew Mackenzie?"

"Yes."

"Do Lincoln and Tera Ramirez live here?"

"They do. Do you need me to get the kids?" Dad asks.

"That would be helpful, yeah."

"Have a seat, officers. Give me a few minutes." Dad turns to me. "Find Lincoln. I'll go get Tera."

Ten minutes later we're all in the sitting room, tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"All right, officers. We're all here. What's this about?" Dad asks.

"Tera, Lincoln, we know you're no longer in the custody of your mother, but tonight she was found in her home by an acquaintance who'd been trying to get in contact with her for a couple days. When we arrived on the scene, Ms. Ramirez was unresponsive on a sofa, a syringe stuck in her arm. She'd overdosed. There was nothing that could be done," the officer states, sympathy evident even though he's straight to the point.

Tera blinks.

Linc breathes out a sigh of relief. "Hell, I thought you were going to make us go back there."

"You know that would never happen, Lincoln," my dad tells him.

Linc shrugs.

Tera blinks again and I want to go ask her if she's okay, but I don't. She doesn't want that from me anymore. She's got Carter for that. Carter Winters: Star quarterback. Carter Winters: Pretty boy all the girls want. Carter Winters: The guy who's been dating my girl—Tera—for close to nine months. Carter Winters: The guy who gets all of Tera's other firsts. The fucker.

"She's dead?" Tera whispers. Mrs. Martinez rubs Tera's back.

"Yes, she is. I'm sorry for your loss, miss," the second policeman says.

"It's no loss," Tera whispers, still staring off into space.

Dad and the cops talk about arrangements for the body and we all tune them out, gathering around Tera and Linc.

Jesse chucks Tera under the chin lightly so she looks up at him.

"You all right?"

She shrugs. "I guess. It's just weird."

Kennedy lifts Tera, sits in her chair, and puts her on his lap. My hands curl into fists. That should be me. But it can't be. Not now. Maybe not ever again. It was her decision and I'm going to respect it.

"I know what you're feeling," Kennedy tells her. She rests her head on his shoulder. "When they told me about Lina, I was relieved. That's pretty messed up, right? To be relieved your mom's dead? That she can never hurt you again?"

Tera nods. "It seems wrong to feel that, but I do."

"It's okay to feel that way," Ethan tells her. "I feel the same way about my ma. It's because we don't have to worry about them coming for us now, and we don't have to worry about being put in a situation where we'll be hurt again."

"Yes. That's exactly it," Tera tells him. "Linc?" she questions.

"I'm good, T. She died the day she… well, that day. At least to me," he tells her.

Tera nods again. "Yeah. I didn't even really think much about her anymore. Only sometimes late at night or when I would feel unsafe."

My dad takes a seat on the ottoman in front of the chair. "If you would like to go talk to Dr. Campbell about anything, all you have to do is say the word."

Tera started seeing Dr. Campbell the day she moved out of my life—house. She worked through the fucked-up-ness that her mom and that asshole brought into her life, that they brought into her heart and head. I helped her get through it as her friend, not as the guy I'd been before. You know, the one she turned to with everything. The one she trusted with her deepest, darkest secrets. The one she could be herself with. The more time that goes by, the more I realize just how much I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she's become—and I want to. I want to so much.

But… I know I'm not the right guy for Tera—at least not now. How the hell do I stay away from the girl I've loved since the day I saw her on those monkey bars singing off key? She's had me entranced from the moment I laid eyes on her. It's hard as hell to stay away, but I know it's for the best—for both of us. But mark my words, there will be a day when she's mine. It's just a matter of when.

"I don't think I need to see Dr. Campbell. This doesn't upset me. It doesn't bring back bad memories or feelings. I just think I should feel something, but I don't. I think it's because she's been so vacant for so long, that it doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. For so long, the people in this room have been the only family I've had and I'm grateful for that. So, no, Dr. Mac. I don't need to see Dr. Campbell. If it starts to bother me at all, I promise to tell you," Tera relays.

I couldn't be more proud of my girl in this moment. Make no mistake—she's my girl. She may be dating Winters, but she's mine.

"All right. I'm glad you both are okay," my dad tells them. "Rosa, Jose, anything you'd like to add?"

"No. You handled that perfectly," Rosa says to my dad. Jose nods his agreement.

"If there's nothing else?" Dad asks. No one speaks up. "Then I'll see you at the family meeting next Thursday."

Our family "meetings" aren't really meetings. They're large family dinners where no one gets to skip out. We're also expected to share the good and bad in our lives—and we do. I don't think any of us hold anything back.

"See you then," Jesse mutters. "I gotta walk the twins home. Jeni mentioned some kid was bullying Jana. Time to squelch that shit."

Ben follows him out the door.

"Later," I call out behind them. Everyone disperses, including Tera, and I stay seated, tipping my head back and looking at the ceiling.

"What's going on, Xan?" my dad asks.

I lift a shoulder.

"C'mon. You can tell me."

"I know I can. But I did this to myself, Dad, and it's the right thing," I admit.

"Ah. Tera," he nods knowingly.

"Yeah. It sucks. I know it's the right thing to do, but Dad…"

"The right thing for who?" my dad asks.

"What?"

"It's the right thing for who, Xan? You? Tera? Did you ever ask her how she feels about this? And why is it the right thing? Why do you think you're so bad for her, son?" Dad questions.

"No. I didn't ask her. But you and I know I'd screw this up. I'd hurt her some way, some how, and I'd hate myself for it. She'd get upset from all the girls that hang around us. I don't think she'd realize it until it happened, but she'd get jealous and lose her faith in me. I can't let that happen, Dad." I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees, looking up at him. "One day she's going to be mine, you know? I don't know how I'll know when the time is right, but I believe I'll know it when it happens. And, Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna marry her one day," I confess, my heart beating faster and lighter having said the words aloud to someone—finally.

Dad smiles, then puts his hand on my shoulder. "I know, Xan. I've known for a long time. I can't say as I understand your decision to be apart, because one day you're going to have to deal with everything you're trying to avoid right now. Maybe you should rethink this."

I tilt my head in contemplation. I suppose he's right. One day we'll deal with everything together. That's what couples do.

"I'll think about that, Dad. Thanks," I tell him, and I mean it—both the thanks and the fact that I'll be thinking long and hard about me and Tera.

* * *

"Are you going to prom?" I hear Linc ask Tera. I came by to ask Mr. M about the lawn for Dad, but it looks like I'm going to get a bonus.

"Yep," she tells him. I can hear the happiness in her voice and it makes me smile.

"With Winters?"

"Mhmm. He is my boyfriend," she teases.

"Yeah, but he's not the one for you and we both know it," Linc announces, surprising me.

I know eavesdropping is a bad thing for many reasons, but I can't walk away. Not yet.

"Look, he doesn't want me, Linc. He has made that more than clear over the last few years. I'm not going to follow him around like a lost puppy anymore. I did that for the first year and a half after he told me he wasn't the one for me. I learned my lesson the hard way," she tells him, her breath hitching.

"What do you mean by that?" Linc questions.

Yeah. What does she mean by that?

She laughs mirthlessly. "I'd rather not relive that, okay?"

"Maybe you misunderstood the situation?"

She laughs again—this one cold and bitter. "No. There was no misunderstanding."

"But—"

"No! Okay? There was no misunderstanding! I'd decided to stop pining after him and the same day I got a note asking me to meet him at the shack," she tells him.

I never sent her a note like that. I'd never take Tera to the shack. The shack is where we take our chicks to fuck. It's not somewhere I'd take someone like Tera.

"He'd never do that. He would never take you to that place."

"Gee, thanks, Linc. Way to make a girl feel good."

"I don't mean it like that, T. I just mean—he wouldn't take you to a place like that. You know what goes on there."

"Oh, yeah. I know. And how I found out was a real fun time for me, let me tell you."

"What happened, T?"

I hear her blow out a breath and plop on her bed. I can see it in my mind—including the hurt and disappointment on her face. Christ. If she says what I think she's going to say…

"I got that note, you know? And I thought, finally. He's going to take another of my firsts. I wanted him to for so long. I thought he should be the one I'd give all my firsts to."

"Go on."

She clears her throat and sniffles. "Well, I went to the shack and I certainly did get another first. I got my first shock. I got my first look at Xander with another girl. I got my first live porn show. I got plenty of firsts, but the one that will always stand out the most is it was the first time my heart shattered. I mean, I knew he'd been screwing around with girls. I didn't like it, but I pretended it wasn't happening, you know? Ignorance is bliss and all that. And then I saw him. It would have been bad enough that he was with another girl but, God, Linc, he was with Gretchen."

"No," Linc denies.

Fuck. How did she know? That day, she just showed up—Gretchen. I didn't invite her. No one did. That was the day I asked the guys to have the place to myself. It was the day Carter Winters asked Tera out on a date and she said yes. It was the first time I turned to alcohol and used it as a crutch. It didn't work.

"Oh-ho, yes. She was there. Her clothes were off and so was his shirt. There was no mistaking where that was heading. They didn't see me and they didn't hear me—thankfully. I just walked away. That was the day I walked away because that was the day Xander Mackenzie betrayed me in a way I never thought he would," she confesses with a sob.

No. No, no, no! Anger, fear, and desperation fill me. She doesn't understand. I was drunk. And, if I'm honest, that was the first time I took drugs.

"He wouldn't do that, T. Not willingly," Linc defends.

"I know what I saw, Linc. He wasn't exactly fighting her off, what with him sucking on her tits and his hand between her legs," Tera sneers.

"I can't believe he'd do that."

"Well, believe it," she tells him.

I can't let her think that. No matter the cost, I need her to know the truth.

I walk into the room and Tera rolls her eyes. "Come on in. Get an earful, did ya?"

I sit down on her desk chair, my heart heavy. Fear seeps from my pores. "I didn't send you that note. I wouldn't do that. Like Linc said, I wouldn't take you there. You deserve better than that." No one says anything. I swallow—hard—and I swear they can hear it. I know for sure they can hear my heart beating.

"Carter Winters asked you out on a date that day and you said yes," I admit, looking down at my hands. "I… was in a bad way after I found out. I asked the guys if I could have the shack to myself. I wanted to get fucked up drunk so I wouldn't think about you going out with him. So, I grabbed the bottle of rum and drank straight from it. About a third of the way in, Gretchen showed up."

I lift my eyes to Tera, who's sitting on her bed, back against the headboard, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped so tightly around them. Her eyes are wide, tear-filled, and wary.

"She walked right in like she owned the joint. I told her to get the fuck out. I swear to you, Tera, I would never do that willingly."

"Give me a break, Xander. I saw how willing you both were!" she screams at me.

I don't react. She has a right to be angry and, man, is she angry. "I wanted to stop thinking about someone other than me touching you and giving you the firsts I always wanted to give you. She just wanted to hang out, she said. She was tired of her friends and needed a break. So we drank. Then she gave me a pill. She told me it'd take all my troubles away and make me feel good."

I look up at her again. "And I took it."

She gasps and tears stream down her cheeks.

Betrayal number two. No drugs. We'd all promised. We didn't want to end up like Kennedy, Ethan, Tera and Linc's parents.

"One minute I was half drunk and still hurting, and the next I blanked out. I didn't know what she gave me. I didn't know what I took. Don't look at me like that. I know, okay? I know what a fucking stupid thing it was to do. When I woke up hours later, I didn't have any clothes on," I confess.

"You fucked her," she states hollowly.

I nod. "I think so."

"Jesus Christ," Linc curses.

"My head was killing me so when I got home, I told Dad what happened. When I started throwing up, he got worried enough that he took me to the ER. They did some blood tests and hooked me up to an IV."

"The night he said you had the flu," Linc surmises.

I nod. "Yeah. I still didn't know what she gave me. Dad knew though. I had another of those pills in my pocket. He took it to her parents and threatened to go to the cops. They blew him off. I asked him to give me a week. I'd get her to confess. It took ten minutes. All I had to do was tell her she was fucking amazing in the sack and she told me she gave me a pill that enhanced sex. I asked why I couldn't remember anything and that bitch had the nerve to smirk. She said she knew I'd never fuck her, that she knew I hated her because of how she bullied you, so she used GHB."

"What?" Tera breathes.

"Are you fucking kidding?" Linc asks, his hands closing into fists.

"Not kidding. Not something I find funny."

"She…" Tera begins to sob. She covers her mouth, her eyes wide, horrified. "She date raped you!"

I look down at my hands again. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm ashamed.

"Yes," I whisper.

"Xan," she breathes and when I look up she's standing right in front of me. "Why didn't you tell us? Or them, since we weren't really talking?"

I shrug. "I took that pill, T. I took it not knowing what it was or what it would do. I swallowed down that pill with straight rum. Do you think I deserve any sympathy? Do you think I want to try to reason my way out of this?"

"But—"

"No. Don't," I tell her. "I don't want you to think she was the only one in the wrong. What she did was way more fucked up than anything I've ever done, but I took that pill without any coaxing. I did it because I felt sorry for myself. I did it because I fucked up and let you go, telling myself it was for the best. That you deserved better than me. That I'd hurt you, I'd break your heart, and I did that anyway," I concede.

"Xan," she sighs.

"How can you even look at me and not feel loathing? Christ, now I understand the looks you've been giving me since that day. I thought it was the drinking. God, Tera. I'm so fucking sorry you saw that. That fucking bitch lured you there so you would see it. She wanted to hurt you even more and I made that possible when I swallowed that pill," I groan.

"Xander."

I shake my head.

"Xander," Tera says more firmly.

I sigh and lift my gaze to hers. I don't see loathing. I don't see hate. I don't see any of the antipathy I'm expecting to see. What I see steals my breath.

She sits on my lap and hugs me—that really steals my breath. I'm afraid to move. I'm afraid to blink. This is a dream and I don't want to wake up—ever. I'll happily dream this dream forever. I wrap my arms around her, crushing her to me. I don't ever want to let go.

"What are you doing, Tera?" I ask, uncertain. I look around the room and see Linc's gone.

"I'm giving you the hug I would have given you that day had I known. I'm saying I'm sorry for believing you'd do that to me. I'm holding you because you're letting me," she whispers into my neck.

"I'm holding you because you're letting me. I never thought I'd ever get this close to you again, Tera. What the hell are we doing? Please tell me this isn't a joke. Tell me it's real and you're not going to disappear from my life again," I plead. My dad was right, as usual. I should never have taken the choice from her.

"You're the one who pushed me out the door, Xan."

"I thought it was best for you, but what the fuck do I know?" I admit.

She sniffles and laughs softly. "You don't know shit if you think that was what was best for me. God." Her exasperation comes through loud and clear. She sits up, puts her hands on my cheeks, and pierces me with those beautiful green eyes. "Don't you know you're what's best for me, Xander Mackenzie? Why do you think there's anything better than you, I just don't understand."

I lean forward and kiss her softly, holding her face as she holds mine. I don't care that a couple tears are rolling down my cheeks. All that matters is Tera.

"I'm sorry," I tell her sincerely. "I can't tell you how sorry I am."

She kisses me then. Just a press of lips to lips, but it means more than any kiss I've ever had—even more than our first.

"What's going on in here?" Jesse asks.

Tera leans back, looks at me, and I can't look away from her.

"Well, we were kissing," I tell him, stating the obvious.

All the guys pile into the room and take up residence on Tera's bed and any flat surface they can find to sit on.

"What does this mean? Did someone finally knock some sense into you?" Ben taunts.

I don't know how to answer that. She's still with Winters. As if she senses my apprehension, she rolls her eyes at me and I smirk.

"What does this mean? It means I need to break Carter Winters' heart and stop denying my own heart happiness," Tera announces.

"Xan has no say in the matter?" Linc chuckles.

"Absolutely none. Look what happened the last time he thought he knew what was best for me."

"Hey, now," I laugh, pulling her to me and holding her close.

"It's about damn time," I hear my dad say from the doorway. I look up, smiling—really smiling, for the first time in four years.

The guys all shout their agreement.

"Time to dump the chump," Linc tells Tera.

"I never liked that guy," Kennedy admits.

"Me neither," Ethan agrees.

Ben scoffs and Jesse sneers.

"None of you liked him?" Tera asks.

"Seriously, T," Linc chides.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Oh, where to begin," I tease.

Tera snorts, then leans in. "So, they don't know?" she whispers.

"No."

"Maybe they should?" she questions.

I nod. "They should."

She sits up, putting her arm around my shoulders and it's like coming home. My heart is warm where it was cold. My mind isn't muddled. This is right.

"I guess you want to know how this happened?" I ask.

They all mutter their assent.

"You know how everyone's been wondering what happened to Gretchen Sellers?" I begin, then tell them everything.