I'm afraid to go home. Isn't that the most messed up thing ever? Home should be a place you go to feel safe. Home should conjure up warmth, happiness, safety, and love. My house is anything but.

She wasn't always bad. When Dad was alive, she was good—things were good. Then he died in a work accident and she turned to drugs. She became someone I wish I'd never known.

My mom is continually parading men through, screwing them for drugs and money. She hasn't even tried to stop them from trying to touch me—even when I was little. Not that I'm big now. I'm only twelve and I have men trying to grope me. There's something seriously wrong with that. Tonight my mom actually laughed and encouraged it, teasing that someone should feel me up now that I have boobs. I've never been so horrified and embarrassed at the same time. I'm not used to the changes in my body yet, and she points out those changes—all the time. I'm almost ashamed to have boobs from everything she says. Linc tells me she's just jealous because she's old and droopy. It still doesn't make what she's doing right.

When the guy grabbed my arm tonight, I panicked. I did what Linc and the guys taught me to do—I punched him in the nose. His nose must have been weak or something because blood started pouring out of it—and I'm not strong at all. I think maybe that's something I need to change.

Xander leads me downstairs when we hear the garage door open and close, signaling his dad's return home. I'm so nervous and afraid, I start to shake. I notice all the guys behind us and the shaking eases up. I know they're here to protect me, to try to help. I just don't want to have to tell the story in front of them.

I turn into Xander when he wraps an arm around me. Linc rests a hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

The minute Dr. Mackenzie comes through the door, he knows something is very wrong—and he's right. He just nods and says, "Let's sit."

So, we do. Xander on one side, Linc on the other. Ethan at my feet and the other guys behind me.

"First, are you okay?" Dr. Mac asks me.

I swallow hard, fighting tears at the tenderness in his tone. I nod.

He reaches out for my hand and I let him take it. Dr. Mac is a good man. I trust him.

"Can you tell me what happened, Tera?"

I nod and lick my lips—a nervous habit. "I went home to get my sketch book—" I look around. I wish they didn't know about my drawing. I mean, now they know about my painting, but I wanted to keep my sketches to myself.

"Go on," Dr. Mac encourages.

"I put it in my backpack with my box of pencils and stuff. I thought I could make it back out without them seeing me. If I had known they'd moved into the living room, I would have climbed out the window like I always do," I confess. "I know better. I don't know why…"

"Stop," Jesse tells me. "You did nothing wrong."

I turn to look at him, his stoic expression giving nothing away. It's only when he reaches forward and rests his hand on my shoulder that I see him soften.

I nod.

"What happened next?" Dr. Mac asks.

"I saw them and was going to turn around but my mom saw me before I could hide. She called me into the room and I knew I had to go. She had that tone, you know? The one when she's using." I lick my lips again. "She introduced me to some guy named Eddie. He was all jacked up. I could see it in his eyes. His arms were all bruised with track marks and I knew he was bad news. Then Mom—" I break off, taking a deep breath. My body starts to shake again and Xander pulls me in closer.

"It's okay, T," he encourages.

I close my eyes to keep the tears at bay, but I fail. One slips free and I hate it. I hate showing weakness, vulnerability, in front of these guys who are strong and tough. I want so much to be like them, but I'm not.

I don't wipe the tear, and let the rest fall. I can't hide them anymore.

"Mom started teasing me again because I've got boobs now," I tell them. "She said to Eddie that maybe he should be the first to feel me up, that I was becoming a woman and a real man should be the one to touch me and show me… things." I'm not telling them the things she mentioned.

Dr. Mac nods and rubs his thumbs over my hands. I watch the motion. His softness compared to the hardness of my mom helps me relax.

"He grabbed at me," I confess and Jesse's hand tightens on my shoulder, as does Linc's. "He wanted me to sit on his lap, but I knew if he got me there it was going to be bad. So, so bad," I whisper.

"What did you do?" Dr. Mac asks.

I look up and meet his gaze, that same icy blue gaze as Xander's. It can be cold as ice or warm as the sun—right now, it's soft and kind with a touch of worry. For me.

"I punched him in the nose. Blood started pouring out of his nose. Mom started screaming and he called me a little fucking bitch. I managed to get out of the house when Mom started fussing over him and I ran. I ran fast and I didn't stop until I got here. No one was here except for Mrs. Martinez and she helped clean me up. I had his blood on my hand and arms. After awhile, I went over to Shea's and painted. I just painted and painted until my arms were tired and my vision blurred. I cleaned up and came here and the boys were home," I tell them, my vision a blur, recalling all the facts. Losing myself to my art is what keeps me sane. I just paint everything I need to say.

"Tera. Did he touch you inappropriately?" Dr. Mac asks.

I nod, tears sliding down my cheeks. "Yes. H-he grabbed me—my breasts. He hurt me."

"Motherfucker," Linc shouts.

"Calm down, Lincoln," Dr. Mackenzie states. "I know you don't want to do this over again, but we need to, Tera. I have to call the police. I'd also like to examine you if you'll consent to that. I'll have Sandy, my nurse, come to the house and we can go to the exam room I have here at the house for emergencies.”

Panic sets in and now I really shake. "D-do we have to? Call the police, I mean? Why can't we just do the exam and—" I let out a sob. Xander pulls my face into his neck.

"Dad," Xander pleads.

"We have to, Xan. If we don't and it happens again or, God forbid, something worse, we'll be one step behind," Dr. Mac informs him—us.

"I'll do it," I whisper in Xander's neck. "I don't want to have to go back there if I don't have to." I turn and look at Dr. Mackenzie. "Ca-can I stay here? Just until we know what happens next?"

He smiles softly. "Tera, you and Linc are welcome to stay here as long as you need to. There's never a need to ask. You're my family, too."

"Thank you," I whisper. "I don't… I can't go back."

As if on cue, the phone rings. I already know it's her without looking at the caller ID. I just know.

"Breathe," Xander soothes as his dad walks to the phone.

"Mackenzie residence."

We can hear her yelling while Dr. Mac remains calm. He doesn't tell her we're here. I think he wants to wait for the police first. If he tells, Mom will run—with Eddie. Dr. Mac is so smart. So kind. I'll never understand why Xan's mom left him. I want to marry a man like him one day.

Dr. Mac calls nurse Sandy and then the police and that sets everything in motion. It's a long night. I'm embarrassed to have Dr. Mackenzie look at my bare breasts, but he remains detached, like doctors do. The police woman comes in and takes a few photos. She allows me to put an arm across my breasts so long as I don't hide any of the bruising.

"Social services will be in contact," the policeman tells Dr. Mackenzie. This isn't the first time one of us has been in this situation. Usually, it's Ethan or Kennedy. Ethan settled back in between my knees after the exam and still hasn't moved. His arms draped over my thighs, his large hands rubbing my lower legs. I know he won't be able to make eye contact when this is over. Not for a few days, at least. He needs to process the situation and his feelings first. Ethan's been through way worse things than this. I'm not supposed to know that, but I do. I was here one time when he came in bleeding, barely able to walk, and Dr. Mackenzie took care of him. Kennedy too. I know what happened to them but we'll never talk about it. I won't ever let them know I know. I hope one day they'll talk to me about stuff like I do with them. Maybe after this…

"Why don't you all head on up to bed?" Dr. Mac suggests. "Tera, you should take this so you can get some rest and some pain relief for the bruising and swelling."

I nod, taking the pills and water from him. Kennedy watches me as I swallow the pills, his eyes filling with unshed tears. I stand up, stepping around Ethan and walking over to Kennedy, hugging him softly. At first he tenses up, going completely rigid, but after a few seconds he relaxes and hugs me back, burying his face in my hair.

"I'm sorry this happened to you," he whispers.

I nod. "I'll be okay."

He pulls back and looks down at me. "I know you will. You're stronger than you think you are."

I don't know about that. I go to sit back down.

"We need to teach her how to defend herself," Ethan announces.

They all start talking about it and the pills Dr. Mac gave me start to work. I'm so sleepy. I rest my head on Xan's shoulder and fall asleep.

* * *

The dream seems so real. I'm reliving what happened in my dream—only I don't get away. In this dream I'm caught.

"You think you can get away from me?" Eddie seethes. "Stupid little bitch." This time he does the hitting. A really hard slap right across my face.

I cry out in pain, then cover my cheek with my hand, backing away from him.

"You think you're too good for me? You're nothing but trash. I'll teach you how to fuck. Then you can go whore around like your old lady does." He licks his bottom lip. "But you'll be so much better. You'll be tight and brand new."

I dry heave on the floor. Bile erupts from my mouth and onto the floor.

Eddie curls his lip in disgust. "There'll be no kissing after that. You'll just get it like I normally give it."

He walks over to me, where I'm crab-crawling backwards to get away. I bump into the living room table. I'm not fast enough to get around it and away. He's on me in a heartbeat.

He trails a dirty finger up between my breasts after he pins me down with his body. Panic infuses me. I struggle. I fight. I kick and scream. He just laughs.

"You want to play rough? I like it rough," he whispers in my ear with a chuckle. My mom laughs in the background. Eddie rips my shirt up the middle, exposing me to him. My cotton bra covers my breasts and he leans in to lick between them.

I scream. "No! Mom! Stop him! Stop!"

"Tera! Wake up!" Someone shakes me. "Tera! Baby, please wake up!"

I fight. "No, get off of me! Stop!"

"Tera, it's me. It's Xan," he soothes.

I struggle, then slow. "Xan?"

"Yeah, you were having a nightmare," he tells me, his face pale.

I push my hair out of my sweat-covered face. "I'm so sorry."

How humiliating.

"No. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Xan?"

"Yeah, T."

"I know you don't like to, but can I cuddle with you. Just this once?" I plead. I need to feel him around me. We might sleep in the same bed, but for the past six months we sleep on opposite sides—his doing, not mine. I think it's because I'm changing. We're both changing. It just makes me want to cling to him more, to what we are—were. But he wants to pull back.

"Yeah. C'mere," he tells me after settling back on the pillows.

I lay down next to him, my head on his shoulder, his arm holding me close. I rest my hand over his heart.

"I fucking hate this," he bites out.

I immediately recoil, moving away. I knew he didn't want to be close, but I didn't think I was repulsive. Then again, I'm tainted now. I'm trash just like Eddie said.

"I didn't mean it like that, Tera. Stay," he beckons.

"You sure?" I ask. "I don't want to impose."

"Shut up and come here." He tugs my hand and I fall into him. "I meant, I hate that this happened."

"Oh." I'm not sure what to say. I hate it too. I hate being a victim.

"If you have to go to that house, you take us with you," he commands.

I don't say anything. All I keep hearing in my head is victim. Trash. Victim. Trash. I don't want to be either.

"I mean it, T. No matter what we're doing. You take us with you. You don't go there alone anymore," Xan bites out.

I sigh. "All right."

We lay in silence for a few minutes and I begin to relax.

"Will you teach me to defend myself? To fight back?" I ask softly.

He nods. "We all will."

I nod back.

More silence.

"It's not because I don't like cuddling with you, T."

It takes me a minute. I shrug.

"It's not you. I mean it. It's just…" He sighs. "This is embarrassing as shit. It's just, you're changing and I'm changing and every time we lay like this, I get hard." He chuckles when I startle. "I can't help it. You're all curvy and soft and you smell so fucking good all the time. Any guy would react the same being this close to you."

"Oh. So, you get like this with all the girls now," I say flatly. Lovely. I'm not special at all. I thought… who cares anymore what I thought. I want to pull away but I don't want him to know how much this affects me.

"No. Not all girls. I haven't been close like this with anyone but you."

"You don't have to say that, X. It's okay—"

He rolls half on top of me. "I haven't been."

I swallow and nod.

"I want to kiss you," he whispers, looking at my mouth.

"Do it."

So he does. He presses his lips against mine, softly, tentatively at first. But the pressure increases and when he licks my lips I gasp.

"Open your mouth for me. Let's be each other's real first kiss."

He doesn't hesitate. His lips touch mine and without hesitation, he flicks his tongue again, and I open for him. I try to follow his lead, and after a few minutes it feels so damn good I pull him closer. He lies on top of me, between my legs and I can feel he really is hard. For me. I blush thinking about it, but this kiss.

We kiss for what feels like forever and I promise myself I'll remember every second of it.

He kisses my chin and I whisper his name. He groans softly and kisses me again. When we finally pull back, he looks down at me.

"That was so fucking hot," he tells me.

I can't hide my grin. "Yeah, it was."

"We can tell each other anything, right?" he probes.

"Of course," I answer, and I mean it.

"You've always been beautiful to me, Tera, but you're turning into a knockout. You're going to have no trouble finding a boyfriend. Just be sure to pick the right ones. Don't pick ones like us guys," he says, meaning the boys.

"Why not?" I ask, confused.

"We're no good. We won't do you right and you'll get hurt because of it. I don't want that for you. You deserve so much better."

Tears sting the backs of my eyes. I nod. "Okay."

"Okay," he agrees with a nod. He doesn't look happy. He is so confusing.

He lies back down next to me, pulling me into him.

"Thanks for being my first real kiss," I whisper.

"Thank you, Tera. You made it matter."

Silence envelops us again. It's not long before his breathing evens out.

"I'll do what you asked," I whisper, "but I wanted it to be you."

"It can't be him, T," Linc whispers from next to me. I don't know when he moved over here. Probably while I was lost in thought about that kiss and how I'll never forget it or be able to put it behind me.

I roll away from Xan and face my brother. "Why not?" I ask, letting a tear fall. He reaches up and wipes it away.

"He's not ready for that, T. We're twelve. He's going to follow what these guys do and it won't be something you're going to like. A guy like Xan will have the girls falling at his feet and he's going to use that to his advantage." Linc wipes my tears again.

"But—"

"I know, T. He knows too. I'm pretty sure he feels the same but he's built differently than you. He's gonna need to make the rounds before he settles down."

"If he ever does," I whisper.

He nods. "If he does, though, it's going to be with you, Tera. It's been there from the very first day. Just…" he sighs, "live your life and don't wait around. It's going to suck but you'll get through it. And, who knows? You might find someone better."

I shake my head and sniffle. "Never."

He sighs again.

"I'll sleep in a different room from now on. As big as this room is, even with my own bed in the corner, I think it's time I start breaking away from you guys, making more girl friends. Eventually you'll be doing things I won't want to be a part of and with girls I probably won't like."

"You sure?" Linc asks.

"Now's as good of a time as any."

"All right, sis. But if you want to hang with me, it'll be you over anyone else every damn time."

I hug him. "I know. Same goes."

I slide out of the bed, grabbing my shoes. I tiptoe over to my bed and grab my backpack and a change of clothes. I get to the door and look down at Xan again, seeing the rise and fall of his chest. He looks so peaceful and beautiful while he sleeps. His messy dark hair, his full lips, and those eyelashes that I'd kill to have—he's beautiful.

Linc hugs me close.

"Love you, Tera."

"I love you too."

I open the door, about to step out, and hear Jesse whisper, "She okay?"

"She will be," Linc answers.

"This is gonna suck," Kennedy says.

"Who're you telling?" Ethan replies.

I smile through my tears. They heard it all. Of course they did. They're my guys.

I close the door quietly and my heart cracks as it clicks closed.