In the distance, there’s the faint continuous beep. Can someone please make it fucking stop? It’s enough to make me want to bash my head against a wall. Suddenly, a chill goes up my spine that causes my entire body to shudder. I take in a sharp, deep breath from the pain that it’s causing, and the smell of bleach is so strong it burns the inside of my nose.

My body feels strange. Something more than just pain. It’s something that I’ve never felt before. I can’t put it together. I feel empty. Like something has ripped my soul right from me. I want to open my eyes, but can’t. I want to call out, but can’t. My body isn’t listening to my brain and doing what it’s told it to do. I need to feel the bump, that’s proof of the life that Justin and I have created. It’s the sheer reason for my existence.

That need is as important to me as my next breath of air. I’m devastated when I can’t move my arms. Everything’s so heavy; it’s like I’m trapped in quicksand.

There’s a new sound. It’s muffled, but I know it’s a woman’s voice. I try and focus on her words but can’t understand what she is saying. Then there’s another voice. This one belongs to a man. The tone is deeper, softer, and speaks much slower.  The voice is clearer, but I still can’t tell what’s being said. I hear the anxiety and anguish in the male’s voice.  

Where the fuck am I? What the fuck’s going on?

The voices vanish and then it’s back. Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep...

Oh, fucking Christ. Someone has got to make it stop. Please! I’m going to fucking go insane. I try to move my arms and legs again. I try to scream out, but still, nothing happens. I feel like one of those people stuck in a padded room trying anything to escape the cell they’re in. Something must work. I keep trying, but nothing.

Finally, something changes. The repeating beep morphs to a solid screech and everything fades away.

I scream in agony as the worst pain I’ve ever felt shoots through my body. I’ve been punched, kicked and beaten before, but none of that compares to this. The excruciating cramping and sharp pains don’t stop. There’s a horrid burning between my legs, and I can feel rushes of fluid leaving my body.

There are all kinds of commotion going on in the room; people are pulling and pushing me. I force open my eyes. Everything is blurry, but I can still make out Justin’s figure. Through the sea of white coats, I see him being pushed further and further away from me. Suddenly, there are all of these masked faces surrounding me. They are talking to me, but I don’t know what they are saying. I try to sit up, but one of the masked people push me back to the bed. I call out Justin’s name, and I hear him calling back to me until the sound of the door closing mutes his voice.

I’m scared to death, frustrated, and in pain. Tears are streaming down my face. I yell out to anyone. “What’s going on? Is our baby okay? Where’s Justin? Why did you push him away?” When no one answers me, I scream out again. “Will someone please, please, answer me?”

All the masked faces keep buzzing around like annoying mosquitos. Except for one. I can’t see her face because of the horrid white mask, but I can see her eyes. They are so forgiving and caring. Maybe she’ll answer my pleas.

 I stare into her eyes trying to read what she’s thinking. I can see that she’s smiling at me, by the way, the skin wrinkles around her eyes. When she starts to talk, her voice is so soft and sweet. “It’s okay, dear. Everything is going to be okay. You just need to let the doctors do what they need to do.”

  When another cramp shoots through my body, I jerk my hand away that she’s been gently rubbing back and forth. She doesn’t react, only takes my hand and starts rubbing again. “It’s okay. You have to breathe through it.”

“Wait! What? Breathe through it? What the fuck’s going on? What the fuck do you mean I have to breathe through it? It’s way too early for me to have this baby! Is our baby alright?”

“Shh, honey. You have to stay calm. The doctors are doing everything they can, but you have to stay calm.”

How can she possibly be serious, telling me to stay calm right now? Oh my God! What have I done? If there’s something wrong with our baby, I’ll never forgive myself. Justin will never forgive me.

I grasp at the bed rails, trying to pull myself up to see what’s going on. To see that bump in my belly. The masked woman tries to push me back down to the bed. I fight her with everything that I have. I must see the bump that will tell me everything’s alright. That this is a nightmare. I try clawing, biting, and even slapping her, but she doesn’t let go of my shoulders. I hear her call out that she needs help and almost instantaneously there’s another masked demon helping her push me back down to the bed. The other person lays their body across mine, pinning me while the once kind person nods at someone standing by my IV stand.

“Do it!” She commands, her voice has changed and is demanding and harsh.

Suddenly, my body starts to go numb. I’m still trying to struggle out from their firm hold, but it’s no use. The room starts to spin, and all the commotion fades away.

When I open my eyes the room is dark and empty. Empty except for Justin. His head is lying on the bed next to me, sound asleep. His fingers entwined with mine.

At first, my head is foggy then suddenly everything that happened washes over me with the destruction of a tsunami. The smell of the blanket that was thrown over my head is still as strong as it was the moment it happened. The horrible things those men said and did to me. My dad… Holding my head under the water trying to drown the life out of me. Then the sound of Justin crashing through anyone and everything that was between he and I. Him leaving nothing but devastation in his wake.

The words that he yelled boom in my head over and over again. “What the fuck are you doing? I will fucking kill you! You dirty son of a bitch, get the fuck off her!”

A wretched beep pulls me back to the present. That’s when total fear and panic sets in. Our baby. I slowly slide the hand that Justin’s not holding down towards my belly. Angst and horror fill my body as I inch closer.

The moment I lay my trembling hand against my flat stomach, I cry out. Justin jumps to his feet so fast he sends the chair crashing onto its side.

I gaze into his tired, red, and swollen eyes. “Oh God, no… No, please tell me it’s not true. Please, tell me this isn’t happening. Please, tell me, Justin. Please, tell me I didn’t do this! Oh my God, please.” I begin sobbing uncontrollably. “Please, please tell me it’s not true.”

Justin wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. Every muscle in his body is shaking. He takes a ragged breath and pulls me closer. “I’m sorry, Sarah. Our baby….didn’t make it.”

Everything that surrounds me turns dark. The pounding of my heartbeat is deafening in my ears, and bile forms in the back of my throat. I know Justin has me in his arms, but I can’t feel him. I can’t feel his warmth, his love. I feel nothing. My entire world has come crashing down around me. It’s like an atomic bomb has gone off, and I’m the only survivor. I’ve been left to live in my own personal hell. I’ve never felt so desolate in my life. My heart and soul have been ripped from me, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland.

Justin holds me in his arms for the rest of the night. We don’t speak. I don’t think either of us can. We simply sit in the dark, in total silence, waiting, praying that this is a horrid nightmare that we will wake up from. All the demons that I thought Justin had eradicated from me come rushing back with a vengeance. I know that this is the end. I have no choice. It’s just how it has to be.

When I open my eyes, and I see out the window that is gray and rainy, it seems to be fitting to the situation. Justin is still asleep when a team of nurses and doctors come in to check me over. Waking up, he quickly steps out of their way as they start working. It’s your typical shit—blood pressure, temperature, and a ton of bullshit questions about pain and discomfort levels. What in the fuck do they think my pain levels are? Any fucking idiot would know that my pain levels are off the mother fucking charts. Is there a way to measure the pain of having a black hole where your heart and soul once were? I stare at a scratch in the foot board of my bed and only respond with yes or no when they continue their fucking idiotic questions.

I can see Justin out of the corner of my eye. He appears exhausted, but other than that, I can’t get a read on what he’s thinking. I’m sure he feels nothing but contempt and hatred for me. How could he possibly feel anything else?

The majority of the doctors and nurses have left my room, only a few are left buzzing around us. Justin still stands off in a corner not making any effort to come back to my side. One nurse whose been checking over my IV looks down at me with pity. God, I fucking hate that look.

A large burly man step into my room. "Ms. Crawford.”

Before I can respond, Justin steps forward, placing himself between the man and me. The man holds up both his hands, in one hand is a police badge.

“It’s okay, sir. I’m Detective Ryan. I’m here to ask Ms. Crawford a few questions.”

Justin steps back but doesn’t move too far away. The man looks down at a chair and says. “May I?”

I j shrug my shoulders. Seriously, more fucking questions? I know that these questions are going to be a lot more than asking me about my pain level. Fuck, I do not want to do this. I put my focus on that scratch in the wood on the foot of the bed.

The man sits down and pulls out a pen and notepad. He doesn’t beat around the bush. “Ms. Crawford, can you tell me who attacked you?”

When I don’t respond, he repeats himself. “Ms. Crawford, do you know who attacked you?”

I still don’t answer him. Why doesn’t he just pull out his weapon, hold it to my head and pull the fucking trigger? It would be better than reliving what happened.

He sits forward in his chair. “Look, Ms. Crawford, I know this isn’t easy for you. I know you’ve paid a great price, that’s why I want to know as much about what happened as you can remember. Then I will do everything in my power to make it right.”

His words strike me like a baseball bat to the back of the head. ‘A great price.’ He has no way of knowing exactly how great the price was.

My voice is low yet filled with anger. “A great price… Make it right… You have no idea what price I’m paying. And as far as making any of this right. There’s no way in fucking hell that this could be made right.” I look over at Detective Ryan. “Do you understand me?”

“Ms. Crawford, I”

I cut him off before he can say another word. “I’ll tell you who did this.”

Looking over at Justin. His face looks like stone. His brow is lowered, and his jaw is clenched so hard that the veins in his neck are bulging out. I know the loathing that he has felt about my dad, and now I’m sure he feels that same way about me.

Without taking my eyes off Justin. “Detective Ryan, I did this. This is my fault. That is all I have to say to you, so please leave.”

They both look like they have seen a ghost. Justin hits his fist against the wall making a loud bang. “What? No!”

Detective Ryan quickly turns his attention to Justin. “I’m sorry, who are you?”

“I’m Justin Troma.”

Detective Ryan starts to flip through the pages of his notebook. “Okay, I have here that you were the one who brought Ms. Crawford to the hospital. Is that correct?”

“Yes, sir, I was. What does that have to do with anything?”

I know that in my gut that Justin knows damn good and well what that would have to do with it. Detective Ryan isn’t getting any information out of me. Maybe he can get some out of him. I’m just not sure if Justin’s loathing for me will make him tell what he knows or keep everything to himself, so the job that was started can be finished.

“Well, I’m hoping that maybe you can shed a little light on the situation for me. Seeing how Ms. Crawford view appears to be a little eschewed at this very moment. Do you mind following me down to the station?”

Justin shoots me a glance then shrugs his shoulders. “Umm. Okay. Is there a reason that we can’t do it here?”

“I don’t want to disturb Ms. Crawford any more than I already have.”

The door makes an eerie noise as it slowly closes and clicks shut. I don’t know how long I’ve been watching the rain run down the window, mirroring the tears running down my face. What am I going to do? I obviously have to leave, but where am I going to go. How far will I have to run to try and leave all this behind me? I don’t think to the end of the earth would be far enough. I have nothing. Hell, I don’t even have the clothes on my back. Fuck, I’ll figure something out. I can’t face anyone in this town again.

There’s a light knock at the door, then a nurse sticks her head inside the room. “Sarah.”

Wiping the tears from my face. “Yeah.”

She makes her way to my bedside. “I just wanted to check on you.”

When the stinging in my eyes subsides, I look up at the nurse. I see familiarity looking back at me. It’s the nurse who was holding my hand yesterday. She pulls the chair up closer to me and takes my hand.

Smiling sweetly at me. “Dear, I know this is a stupid question, but is there anything I can do?”

I try to take in a breath, however it gets caught in my throat and I break down bawling. The nurse wraps her arms around me and starts to pet my hair like a mom would consoling her daughter. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but everything will be alright.”

I shake my head no. “It won’t be. How could it? You know what I’ve done.”

“Oh, dear, you didn’t do this.”

I hear what she said, but it has no value to me. I know the truth. “Please, can you stay with me for a bit?”

“Absolutely, I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

When I open my eyes the nurse is no longer with me. Instead, it’s Justin at my bedside. He’s fast asleep. His face is soft and relaxed. Flashbacks of our amazing time together dance through my mind. I watch him sleep for hours wishing that I had the power to turn back time. Wishing that I could change what has happened. I know from experience that no matter how much I wish I could I can’t change the past.

It’s clear to me what I have to do. I have to let him go.

I continue to watch him, trying to burn every detail of him into my mind. Like I could ever forget even the smallest thing about him. He was my knight in shining armor.

I decide that if I’m going to do this, I have to do it now. Even though I know it’s what is best for him, I’m selfish enough to try and keep him in my life. Even if he hated me, I would try to stay in a delusional state that things would change. My past proves I can do that.

“Justin, you need to wake up.”

He lifts his head slowly. “What? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. We need to talk.”

My guts twist when he says. “Yes, we do.”

I hurry up and start talking, because I know if I don’t I’m going to throw up. “We’re over. We can’t come back from this. You need to leave.”

Why he looks confused, I don’t know. “Wait, what are you talking about? What do you mean we can’t come back from this?”

“Can’t you see that I’ve fucking ruined everything? I’ve ruined us.”

I try to take in a breath but I can’t. It feels as if I’m drowning. “I killed our baby. Our baby is dead because of me! Dad was right. It should have been me,” I cry.

Justin tries to talk, but I cut him off before he can say anything. Tears are running down my face. My voice is full of panic and desperation. “I don’t want you in my life anymore…Just fucking leave—get away from me!” I sob out through my tears.

Even through my burning, blurred eyes, I can see Justin looks completely destroyed. The once strong man whose stature was so strong it could endure any storm is now slumped over in a pile of rubble. Tears run down his face. He appears lost. He looks devastated.

It shreds me to say the things I’m saying. To see him like this. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. As if losing our baby isn’t enough, but now I have to tell him goodbye. I have to say goodbye to my best friend, the love of my life, my soul mate. This is for the best though. He deserves more. More than me. More than anything I could possibly offer him. He’s already lost so much in his life. Now because of me, he’s once again lost something he loved. His child.

He takes my hand and holds it between his. He looks directly at our intermingled hands for the longest time. Then he lowers his forehead until it’s resting on our hands. I feel him trembling. His breaths are deep and deliberate. He doesn’t say anything, one by one his tears drop onto the bedsheet, like the last of the dying leaves falling from a tree at the end of fall. Hell, even trees know when something is dead and let go of it. That’s exactly what I am, dead.

 I have been through some horrid things in my life, but this is going to desecrate me. I thought that no matter what this world threw at us we would be able to get through it together. But this wasn’t US. This was ME. I did this. I can’t stand being in my own skin. It feels like I’ve had gasoline poured all over me and someone has just struck a match. I wish could end it. I wish Justin wouldn’t have walked in. I wish those sick mother fuckers would have finished what they started. I can’t do this. I’m not going to survive.

Justin lifts his head but doesn’t look at me. He just stares into the space in front of him. When he turns his steel like stare towards me, it completely and utterly annihilates me. “You’re wrong. It’s you who doesn’t get it. With me…” He pauses and takes a deep breath. His look softens a little as he continues. “With me, is right where you belong.”

He takes a deep breath, then let’s go of my hand. I watch it fall to the bed in what seems like slow motion. The second I no longer feel his touch, every part of me turns into a frigid, frozen wasteland.

Justin then stands up and walks toward the door. When he reaches the doorway, he stops and looks back at me. Then simply says, “With me.”

The second he leaves a nurse walk in. I lay there in what has to be shock. I can see the nurse's mouth moving but the only thing I can hear, are Justin’s footsteps fading away, as he gets further and further from me.

I feel like a crystal snow globe that’s been knocked from its pedestal. Once a beautiful piece of artwork that was a cherished memory, now shattered, destroyed, ruined.

The nurse has gotten right in my face. “Ms. Crawford. Ms. Crawford! Ms. Crawford, are you okay?”

My voice is but a whisper, “Go away.”

“Ms. Crawford, are you okay?”

It’s like I’ve gone insane, maybe I have. Right this moment, I have nothing but venomous hate toward everyone and everything. Everyone but one person, and I just obliterated us. Screaming at her at the top of my lungs, I yell, “I said, go the fuck away!”