When I open my eyes everything is dark. I feel different. My brain seems clear like my thoughts are my own. Not being controlled by blackness and hopelessness. I look over at the clock, and it reads eleven eleven. I giggle thinking that I should make a wish. I know what I would wish for. To bring everything I’ve lost back to me. Knowing that it’s not possible, I start thinking about Justin. Wishing that I could at least bring him back to me. I remember the day that I said all those horrible things to him. The look on his face, the tears in his eyes. God, I’m such a fucking stupid ass. What if he didn’t want to go? What if he wanted to stay with me, to mourn our loss together? To stand together and rebuild our lives. But how could he have anything but contempt for me? That’s when I remember Justin stopping at the door turning back to look at me. His eyes were blood red, tears marked his face, and he said, ‘With me, is right where you belong.’

As if someone is whispering in my ear I hear my mom’s words. ‘You’ve made choices for other people that weren’t yours to make. Stop making decisions for others. Stop pushing them away.’

Though it scares the shit out of me to acknowledge it, but there’s a little bit of hope in my heart. What if I really could make this right? Is there a way for us to find our way back to the way it was? Though it might just be a fantasy to think he meant what he said, again there’s that flutter of optimism in my soul.

I would love nothing more than continue down this road, but I need to figure shit out. I need to get my head straight and focus on the facts.

Facts. Well fuck, that’s not something I have a lot of. Justin’s the one who got me from the house and brought me here. Now, Detective Ryan, there’s a mystery. The first time he was here asking me questions he wasn’t the cocky fuck that he was when he was last here. Him knowing Leila and him persistently asking me who it was that got me out that night. Seriously! Is he a fucking moron? Who the fuck does he think saved me? I mean, isn’t it obvious? The facts that I know aren’t doing shit for me. Nothing makes any more sense than it did five minutes ago.

I lay here what has to be hours thinking about the facts over and over again. There has to be something that I’m overlooking. The frustration that I feel right now is fucking devastating. How can I possibly put this puzzle together with so many missing pieces? Fuck, I am a fool. I thought I knew it all. Obviously, I don’t know shit. It’s time all that changes.

I look at the clock. It’s four in the morning. Fuck it, I’m calling Leila. I grab the phone and dial. It seems like an eternity between each ring. Biting my fingernails as I wait for her to answer.

“Come on Leila please answer,” I whisper.

Four rings and it goes to voice mail. “Hey, it’s Leila. You know what to do.”

“Leila, it’s me. I think it’s time to pull my head out of my ass. Call me. Please.”

I torture myself by watching the phone, trying to will to ring. Hoping that watching TV will help calm my nerves, I mindlessly flip through the channels. That’s when I come across reruns of Three’s Company. I remember the first time that I was at Justin’s flipping through channels and coming across this show. I feel a smile spread across my face remembering all the times I had with him. That’s when doubt starts to creep into my head. What if I’m wrong about thinking that we have a chance? What if he doesn’t want to be with me?

No. No. No! Absolutely fucking not. I’m not going to let my self-doubt and insecurities ruin me. I love this man and the life we had. I will not just let him go, let alone push him away. If there’s even the slightest chance that we can be together, that I’m wrong about how he feels about me, then I will move heaven and earth to make us right. Some things have happened that I can’t change. That’s a painful and hard truth, but it’s something that I have to accept. If my newly found optimism and hopefulness are completely wrong, then I will heartbrokenly cross that bridge when I come to it. Until then, I’m going to do everything in my power to bring us back together. He was absolutely one hundred percent right when he said that with him is where I belong. He’s my universe, and I will fight to keep it safe.

My room door cracks open, and Doris peeks her head inside. “Well, good morning, dear. I’m surprised to see you up already.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep.”

As she makes her way to my bed a giant smile crosses her face and her blue eyes start to sparkle. I smile back at her. “You seem to be in good spirits today.”

She pats my leg. “I was about to say the same thing to you.”

I can feel my face blush. “I am. Well, I think I am. I’ve been doing some thinking. Ya know, trying to get my head straight. Figure some shit out. I think I’ve been acting pretty selfish.”

Doris sits down on the edge of the bed next to me. “Well, dear, you do have a lot to sort through. I’m glad to hear that you’ve decided to start the healing process. Now, what can I do to help?”

Out of all the staff that’s been in and out of this room, Doris is the only one who has actually shown me any compassion. Everyone else has acted like that their job is to get me physically better and get me out of here.

I’m a bit confused by her question. “What do you mean?”

She takes my hand. “I want to help you any way I can. Besides, it’s my job to help get you better.” She winks. “And I kick butt at my job.”

I giggle at the way she says butt.

She stands up and starts checking out my IV. “So, do you have a plan on how you’re going to figure shit out?”

I start to giggle again. “No, not really. I know that there’s a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle. I guess I need to start by figuring those out.”

Doris stops what she’s doing like she’s thinking. “Yes, that should be at the top of the list. But do you think there might be a few other things that should be done first?”

I’m puzzled by her response. “Umm. I don’t think so. Shouldn’t I be most concerned about getting the facts as to what is going on? I mean, I have so many questions. So many things don’t make any sense.”

Doris goes back to what she was doing. “Yes, those things are imperative. However, in my opinion. Which keep in mind is just that, an opinion. Maybe you should start by mending a few fences and focus on getting healthy and out of this place.”

I smile at her. “I think you might just be right. I’m working on the fences. Now how do I get out of here?

She clasps her hands together in excitement. “Now that’s what I’m talking about. Let’s start by getting you a breakfast and you actually eating it. Then you and I will take a little walk. Maybe we’ll go outside and get you some fresh air.”

I raise an eyebrow at her. “That sounds good, but on one condition.”

“What might that be, dear?”

I make the most pathetic face I can. “Coffee, can I please have some coffee?”

“Now you’re the one making me giggle. Absolutely. I’ll get everything ordered, and it will be here in a bit.”

Just as Doris leaves, the phone rings. It startles the shit out of me. My heart starts to race, and my hands shake as I reach for the phone. This is crazy. I shouldn’t be nervous about talking to Leila.

My voice is shaky. “Hello?”

 The voice on the other end of the line is calm, but I can tell there’s a bit of underlying excitement. “Hey, lady. It’s Leila. What’s this I hear about you pulling your head out of your ass?”

My nerves calm right away, it’s the same old Leila. “Yeah, rumor has it that I need to come out and get a breath of fresh air.”

 She lets out unrestrained laughter. I swear it echoes across the entire room. That’s when the door opens, and as if trying to wake the dead I hear “Well, it’s about fucking time girl!”

 Leila hauls ass over to my bedside, gently giving me a hug. “It’s so good to have you back. I’ve missed you!”

 “I’ve missed you too. I’m so sorry that I acted like a total douche bag. I shouldn’t have pushed everyone away. You guys deserve better than that. I’m sorry.”

 “It was a total craptastic thing to do. I’ll give you that. I think that the majority of us knew, well hoped that in time you would come around.”

 The way she says ‘the majority of us’ makes my heart leap into my throat. I take a deep breath. I know that the cold hard reality is that it is entirely possible that I’ve fucked everything up between Justin and myself so bad that there would be no coming back. However, I’m determined to see this through, to do everything possible to make us right again. I will not buckle. I will not crack. I will not fall victim to the self-doubt that runs rapid within me. I will walk through hell and back to make this right. If I could do it all over, I’d do it differently, but I can’t. If I can get us back, I swear I’ll never let us go.

 “Leila, have you seen Justin? How’s he doing?”

 “The last time I saw him was the night that I guess you pushed him away. He came by Delish asked if he could crash in the loft. Sarah, he didn’t look good. To be honest with you, he looked fucking destroyed.”

 I didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I was wrong. Tears start streaming down my face. “So no one knows where he’s at?”

 Burying my face in my hands. My chest feels like an avalanche is collapsing in on it. I gasp for my next breath. My body’s shaking out of control as the tears continue to roll down my face. My stomach is twisting, and bile rises in the back of my throat. Just when I think I’ve got my shit together and am ready to take on the world, the devil just comes up and kicks me straight in the fucking guts.

 ‘With me is right where you belong. With me is right where you belong.’ I keep repeating those words in my head until I finally calm myself down.

 “Leila, I have to get shit figured out. Tell me what I don’t know.”

 She gives me a confused look. “What do you mean?”

 “Look, I finally get that there’s more going on than what I’m aware of. “What happened? What am I missing?”

 Leila starts to shift in her chair awkwardly. “Sarah, I think you know everything that happened. Justin came looking for you, found you, and brought you to the hospital. There’s not much more I can tell you.”

 Why is she so being elusive? “The other day when you were in here, you said that there were things that I didn’t know. That’s when Officer Ryan came in. You obviously know each other. What’s that all about?”

 Leila sits straight in her chair. Her facial expression is serious. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

Frustration’s getting the best of me, clenching my jaw. “Leila, I want Justin back. Whatever it takes I’ll do it. Now, please, tell me what the fuck’s going on. Every god damn fucking detail,” I demand.

 “Alright. The same night that Justin came to Delish something happened at your house.”

 I assume that what she’s saying is that is when they arrested my dad and his goons. “Why the fuck did it take them so long to arrest them?”

 “Honey, that’s not what I’m talking about. They were arrested the same night that you were admitted to the hospital, but they all were released shortly after. I’m talking about something different…”

 She pauses then leans up closer to the bed. Closing her eyes and rubs her forehead. I wonder what the hell she’s doing. Is she going to continue?

 “Oh fuck! Leila, did dad do something to Justin? Did he hurt him?” She doesn’t answer immediately. “Leila!”

 “No, no! I told you that Justin was at Delish and he was fine.”

 “Then what the hell is it? Now is not the time to be pussy foot around. Just fucking tell me!” I’m ready to shake it out of her.

“Fine! Sarah, your dad, died that night. There was a fire at your house. Your dad and all the guys that were there the night that everything happened to you were in there. They’re all dead. The police are calling it arson.”

 I just stare at Leila expressionless. I don’t feel sadness or anger. I feel absolutely nothing. Am I in shock? Or maybe I’m the cold-hearted bitch that dad has always claimed I was?

 “Sarah? Did you hear me?”

 “Yeah, I heard you,” I tell her.

 She pinches her brow. “Sarah there’s more. Are you okay? Do you want me to continue?”

 “Yeah, totally. I’m good.”

 Leila continues, but now her voice is uncertain. “Sarah, the detectives think Justin’s the one who started it. They even went as far as to say that he went on a murdering spree—killed everyone in the house and started the fire to attempt to cover it up. That’s how Officer Ryan and I know each other.”

My brain is trying to process what Leila just said. “This is ludicrous! They know Justin could never have done anything like that, right? Did you tell them that? I mean he never could,” I assure myself. Now I’m pissed. “That’s just fucking insane. Get them in here right now, and I’ll tell them myself.”

Leila keeps her tone low and calm. “They say he had motive. They questioned both of us extensively and came up with nothing. Our stories about us being at Delish matched exactly. They requested to see the security camera footage. All it showed was Justin pulling up, getting out of his truck and coming inside. That was it. His truck sat there the entire night. It never moved. They tried to say that he could have walked there. It was clear by the cameras that there was no way that he could’ve gotten out of this building without being seen.”

Justin wouldn’t do something like this. That’s when I get this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach. Or would he? “Leila, what about the crawl space that leads out of the back? The cameras don’t show that part of Delish.”

“Look, Sarah, they didn’t have any evidence that would even suggest that Justin had anything to do with it. I do however think that they were fishing around to see if they’d get lucky.”

“But now, Justin’s nowhere to be found. That makes him look guilty, right?”

 “Sarah, listen to what I’m saying. They don’t have any evidence to support their fucked up allegations and Justin’s free to go where ever he wants when he wants. The truth is they have to know what kind of shit your dad was into and the scum he associated with. He probably owed some fucking crack dealers money, and they came to collect.”

 Letting out a breath that I didn’t even realize I’d been holding in. “Okay. That makes sense. So, he’s not in trouble with the law, this is good. But no one has seen him. So my first move is to find out where he is.”

 The thought of calling him crosses my mind, but this isn’t something that a simple phone call can fix. When I talk to him, I want it to be face to face. I have to be able to read his reaction. I want him to know without a doubt where I stand. That I love him more than he could possibly comprehend. That he’s my heart and soul, and how horribly sorry I am for any pain I’ve caused. If he’s willing, I want to show how badly I want to close the rift I’ve made between us.

Leila touches my arm. “You do understand what I said about your dad.”

 “Yeah, I understand. I would love to say that I care, but I don’t. The reality is, to me he’s been dead for a long time. I’ve just needed to wake up to that fact. Honestly, I would have more sympathy for a stray animal dead alongside a road than I do for him. In fact, if I wasn’t in here that night, the detectives would be saying that I was the one who had motive. I would have killed that mother fucking diseased bastard with my bare hands. I swear that’s where it would have gone.”

 Nodding her head she’s agreeing with me. “That’s understandable. But if you ever change your mind and need to talk about it, you know I’m always there for you.”

 “I know you are, and I appreciate it more than you could ever imagine.”