The next few days pass like time is standing still. I watch the rain continue to fall outside. I’ve told the hospital staff that I don’t want anyone allowed to come into my room. I’ve told them that I have no family, so if anyone says differently, they are lying.

I blankly stare at the TV all day long, flipping through channels, acting like I give a fuck about what might be on. Until I come across some UFC fight. My entire chest feels tight as I watch. It’s like I enjoy torturing myself because I watch the entire thing. I try to tell myself that I don’t know why I’m watching it. But deep down, I know it’s because it makes me feel like I have a connection to Justin.

The sound of the door opening draws my attention away from the TV. The sick and twisted part of me always has some small hope that Justin will come strolling in and sweep me off my feet. But I know that will never happen. When the person steps through the door, I see that it’s Doris, the nurse that was with me when I lost our baby. I hate even seeing her. It’s something that won’t let the wound heal. Like it ever could.

She’s always very sweet. Asks me how my day is going, if I need or want to talk, and even gives me a scowl when she sees that I didn’t eat any of the food that was brought to me. “Dear, you have to eat if you ever want to get out of this place.”

My response is always the same. “I did eat.”

She just shakes her head, a little acknowledgment that I am a liar, and continues her normal routine of checking me over.

“What are you watching, Dear?”

Shrugging my shoulders. “Nothing really.”

She looks back at the TV. “Looks kind of brutal.”

“Yeah, I guess. Some of them have a heart big enough you could put the entire world in them and love like no other.”

Doris stops what she’s doing and smiles down at me. “I bet some of them do.” She puts a lot of emphasizes in the word some.

Doris finishes up and heads toward the door. Just before she steps out, she stops and turns around. “The entire world in them huh? I wonder if the people in their world remembers that?”

I start to think about what she said when the phone rings, scaring the shit out of me. I can’t believe that it’s time for me to order food again. One would think they would get the hint that you don’t want to eat if they have to call every fucking time.

In an annoyed voice, I answer the phone, “I’m not hungry.”

The voice on the other end of the phone is not what I expected. It’s Leila, and she is not fucking around. “I don’t give a fuck if you’re hungry or not.”

She doesn’t let me get a word in. “You are going to tell these fucking people that Amie and I are allowed to come in and visit you. We have shit to straighten out.”

Even though I shouldn't be, I’m taken back by the harshness in her voice.

Leila pauses for a second, and I hear Doris’s voice in the background. Leila says okay then there’s nothing but silence.

“Hello? Hello?”

What the fuck, she hung up on me. This can only mean one of two things. She’s either so pissed at me the there’s no coming back, and our friendship is over, or she’s on her way in here. Either way, it’s not good.

The door to my room opens. I feel like a deer caught in headlights. Fuck. My stomach starts churning more than it already was. I’m relieved and surprised when it’s Amie I see walking through the door.

What I’m not surprised by is Leila walking in behind her. She walks with poise and confidence. I can see that she means business. I know that a huge dose of reality is about ready to smack me like a semi.

Amie pulls up a chair next to my bed and takes my hand. My heart breaks a little more remembering Justin doing the same thing. “How are you hanging in there?”

How do I even answer that? My life is fucking shit. My world has once again been destroyed. I’d rather be dead than live without Justin. I just shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know, just hanging in there I guess.”

We sit here in awkward silence for a while. I’m just waiting for Leila to start in, she doesn’t make me wait much longer.

She sits on the edge of my bed, rubbing my leg through the blanket. “Sarah, I can’t even imagine what it is that you’re going through right now but, you don’t treat your friends like fucking shit. You don’t just shut out the people that have been there for you and whom you’ve been there for. That is seriously fucked up!”

“But, I can’t deal with what I did. The shame of it all, it’s too much.”

Her voice raises a little. “Bull fucking shit, Sarah! We’re your friends. We’re your family. You don’t just shut us out. You don’t just act like we never existed. That’s a fucking cowardly thing to do, and you fucking know it,” she snaps at me.

Amie grabs Leila’s arm, signaling for her to calm down. “No, Amie. She needs to hear this. She needs to hear all of it. I’m sick and fucking tired of this shit!”

Leila lowers her voice but continues her rant. She looks around the room. “Now, I’m willing to bet a hundred bucks that you pulled this same bullshit with Justin. I’m hoping that you at least gave him some kind of explanation. He deserves it. He deserves better than just being shut out. You think you’re the only one who’s suffering? Well, guess what, you’re not. You have no idea what Justin’s been through or is going through. Fuck, you don’t know the half of it.”

Anger pulses out of control throughout my veins. The audacity of her saying that I don’t know. “You don’t think I know? Oh, I fucking know. I was there…I lived it… I’m fucking living with it. I’m the one who lost our child! I’m the one who lost everything. I’m the reason that everything has been destroyed. So don’t you dare fucking say that I don’t fucking know.” I’m seething.

Tears are running down all of our faces. Amie and Leila don’t look shocked at all by my outburst. Honestly, they look heartbroken. Amie continues to hold my hand, and Leila just stares blankly into space. I know what I’ve done has been a total dick move. These two have been my rock for so long. I just wanted to hide from it all. They know all the truths about me, about my past. Guess I thought if I shut them out from my life then everything they know would be shut out too.

Leila wipes the tears from her face. “Honey, I know you know all of that. But there’s more.”

The door opens before she can continue. It’s the Detective that was here before asking me questions right after all of it happened.

He looks at Amie first and then at Leila. Leila instantly bristles up. “Ms. Wilcox.”

Leila nods her head. “Detective Ryan.”

She looks over at me. “We’re going to go for now, but we’ll be back. Please, please, don’t shut us out.”

As Leila walks to the door, she stops and gives Detective Ryan the evilest most disgusted glare before continuing to the door.

He watches them as they leave, then after the door closes, he comes over and sits down in the chair next to my bed. I’m confused by the odd exchange between Detective Ryan and Leila. Why did he refer to her using her last name? How would he even know her last name? Leila has never been in any trouble with the law, and by the look she gave him, they definitely are not friends.

“Exactly how do you know Leila? I mean Ms. Wilcox?”

He shifts in his chair. “That’s not why I’m here to talk to you. I need to know precisely what happened that day that you were abducted. Every single detail.”

“Why? I’ve told you before that I’m the one responsible for all of this. End of story.”

He looks pissed that I’m not spilling my guts to him. “Ms. Crawford, I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation.”

Oh, fuck. Here we go again. Someone else telling me that I don’t fucking know.

Sarcasm is laced in my voice. “Detective Ryan. Please, why don’t you take a moment of your time to enlighten me on all of the stuff that I don’t know.”

He stands up, turning away from me, and starts to mess with a picture on the wall. “Well, I’ll start with a brief recap of what you do know.”

My body freezes in horror. He’s really going to do this. He’s going to make me go through it again. “I don’t want to do this.”

He doesn’t stop. “You went for an innocent walk on a beautiful afternoon. Someone grabs you from behind. They start to beat you and drag you away. You can’t see who it is because they have covered your face with something. Probably covering your mouth so you can’t scream. I’m sure you fought as hard as you could, but you couldn’t get away.”

He continues to touch things, acting like everything is disorderly, and it’s his job to put it back in order. He’s making me feel like I’m the criminal in this situation. I can feel blood slowly start to run as I dig my nails into the fleshy part of my hands. Gripping the bed sheet, I try to keep my finger nails from cutting into the palms of my hands any more than they already have.

“They throw you into a vehicle where the beatings continue, worsening I would guess. Once the vehicle finally stops, they drag you inside. The second the thing is removed from your face you know exactly where you’re at and exactly who the culprit is. You’re home, and your very own father is the one who’s responsible. Responsible for shredding your happiness, kind of like he blames you for doing to him for all of these years.”

“You mother fucking, cock sucker! This is why you’re here, to rehash my nightmare? It sounds like you have all the details you need, so why don’t you get the hell out of here, you fucking prick!” Tears of anger and heartbreak stream down my face. “Why are you doing this? If you’re so fucking smart and know everything that happened, why are you here?”

He comes back to my bedside and sits back down. I throw my arms in the air and slam them back down to the bed, crying out, “What do you want from me?”

“Well, there’s a part of the night that no one seems to be talking about. The part about how you got out of there. How exactly you got away from those monsters. I checked the dispatch log, and 911 was never called. I don’t think you were in any shape to walk out of there on your own. So how’d you get out?”

Before giving me a chance to respond, he continues. “Umm, it was Mr. Troma who checked you into the hospital. Was he the one who got you out?”

Even though my brain feels like it’s been put into a blender, I can see something isn’t right with this guy. Why would he come in here in attack mode? Why would he bring up all those horrible things, turning me inside out? Why would he be interrogating me?

I wipe my tears away. “What does it matter how I got out of there? Shouldn’t the only thing that matters is that I got out?”

His attitude seems to change a bit. I wouldn’t exactly say he's softened but at least he's not as cocky. “Well, yes, of course, but I’m doing a… He stops himself, then finally says, “An investigation.”

“Well, Detective Ryan, it seems that you know the gist of the story. I’m not real sure what it is that you have to investigate. It seems pretty open and closed, but whatever it is, why don’t you go do it somewhere else. I’m done with this conversation.”

He stands up and walks slowly toward the door. Turning back to me he tells me, “So, Ms. Crawford, how did you get out that night?”

The glare that I give him should disintegrate him into nothing but ash. “I did. I lost everything, but I got out. That’s all you need to know, Detective Ryan. Good night.”

My anger doesn’t fade even after he leaves. In fact, it grows. The gull of that son of a bitch. Who the fuck does he think he is? And what was his point? What could he be investigating? Everything seems to be obvious. The crime that’s been committed, who the victim is, and who the villain is.

Minutes turn into hours as I stare out the window, watching the rain turn into snow. I replay everything that’s happened over and over in my head, trying to make sense out of it all. But it’s no use, exhaustion sets in, and I finally fall asleep.

“Sarah. Sarah, honey, you need to wake up.”

The voice is so soft and familiar. “Mom?”

When I open my eyes, there’s my mom sitting on my bed holding my hand. I know this isn’t real. I rub my eyes with my hands. When I open my eyes, she’s still sitting next to me. Fuck, I’m losing my God damn mind. I can’t help myself. I want to know that my mom’s there with me. She brings me peace and solace. Even if it’s not real. I just want to be held in her arms. For her to touch my hair and tell me everything is going to be alright. That I will get out of this hell that is my world. She looks so beautiful and angelic. Her long brown hair caressing her shoulders and her dress is the most beautiful soft pick. But there’s sadness in her face as she looks at me. Her eyes seem like they are trying to hide her broken heart.

“Sarah, honey. I’m so sorry that I can’t be here with you. That I haven’t been able to be here to protect you. But I hope that I can help guide you in the right direction. Things aren’t as they seem, there’s so much more that you don’t know. But you’ve locked everyone out. You never gave anyone a chance.”

Tears stream down my face. “Mom, all of this is my fault. It all happened because of choices I’ve made or things I’ve done. I create disaster wherever I go. I ruin lives. Look at you. You’re not here because of me.” I’m gasping for air. “I’m trying to do the right thing! I can’t continue to cause misery for everyone around me. I’m poison.”

“You’re not poison, honey. You refuse to believe what an amazing person you are. You refuse to let the people who love you, love you. Honey, you’ve made choices for other people that weren’t yours to make.”

Mom lets go of my hand, then gently moves me over so that I’m lying in her lap. She wraps her arms around me and starts to run her hand over my hair slowly.

I wish I could stay like this forever. “Mom, can I go with you?”

“Oh, my beautiful baby girl. No, it’s not your time. There are so many great things to come in your life. You just have to let them. Stop making decisions for others. Stop pushing them away. You’re a smart girl. You’ll figure this out.”

My chest is tight, and it’s hard to breathe, tears continue to flow down my cheeks as I hold onto my mom, not wanting to let go of her.

“Mom.”

“Yes, honey.”

“Is our baby with you?”

Mom kisses the top of my head. “Yes, she is. Your little ray of sunshine is with your sister and me, and we love her very much.”

When I wake up, I’m curled into a ball lying just like I was when my mom was holding me. I look around the room for my mom, hoping that she will be sitting here, waiting for me to wake up. Of course, she’s not, it was just another one of my dreams. This time it’s different, this time everything is so vivid. Every single word she said is burnt into my mind. ‘There’s so much more that I don’t know.’ What more could there possibly be that I don’t know? I would assume that dad and all of his cronies are in jail. Or are they? Fear consumes my entire being. Holy fuck! I haven’t been outside of this room. What if there’s a guard or something outside my door, or worse, what if there’s not? Maybe that’s why Leila was so adamant about getting in here to talk to me, she just never had a chance because of Detective Ryan coming in here. That would explain why he was investigating, but it doesn’t explain why he was so interested in how I got out of there. It also doesn’t explain how he knows Leila or the obvious contempt she has for him.

Ugg! Seriously, what in the fuck is going on? ‘You’re a smart girl. You’ll figure this out.’ Mom’s words ring in my confused head. Yeah, I feel real fucking smart right now. I have no idea what’s happening around me.

I jump when the door opens, causing pain to shoot through my entire body. Doris steps through the door, focusing on the chart she was carrying, but when she looks up and sees me in the middle of the bed holding my sides in pain, she rushes over. “Oh, honey! I didn’t mean to frighten you. Are you alright?”

Once I get my breathing under control. “Yeah, everything just still hurts.”

She puts one arm around me and begins to move me back to the head of the bed tenderly. “It’s going to for a while I’m afraid. How’d you get down here like this anyway?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I was being chased by the boogie man, and I was trying to escape.” I let out a little chuckle.

“Well, dear, I see why your pain levels are up. You did a serious number on your IV tube. There’s a kink in it.”

She holds up the tubing that’s all twisted and knotted up. You haven’t gotten any of your pain medications in God knows how long. Heck, you’re lucky it didn’t pull completely out of your arm.”

Doris messes around for a while longer adjusting the machines, then stands over me smiling down at me for a bit. I can feel the pain levels start to decrease and I’m getting tired, a sure sign that the pain medications are kicking in. I hate the thought of sleeping. I have so much to figure out, but being in this much pain doesn’t sound like a great ball of fun either.

She brushes my hair away from my forehead. “Feeling better?”

I smile at her. “Yeah.” I grab Doris’s bright pink scrub as she starts to turn away. “Doris. Am I safe here?”

She has the sweetest look on her face. The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes crease a little deeper. “Honey, you’re perfectly safe, more than you know. There are no boogie men here, I promise.”

Before leaving my bedside, she pulls the covers up over my shoulders, and tucks me in just as if I were a child. I’ll be honest. It felt nice. I don’t want to sleep. I might as well not fight it though because the medication isn’t going to leave me much choice.