I’m having one of those panic attacks where I’m pretty sure I need a paper bag and maybe even some Xanax chewable. I’ve never been good at swallowing pills. They make them in a chewable form, right? It’s probably better that they don’t because then it’d be like those Flintstone vitamins I had as a child and I ate the whole bottle in one sitting thinking they were gummy bears.
I had to have my stomach pumped, but that’s a story for another day. Let’s just say if you give me something, and I like it, I’m going to finish it.
I’m nauseas. What if she gets hurt? This is crazy. I need to go get her.
No, you don’t.
And now I’m talking to myself. Awesome. Do you see me in the driveway of Ava’s house? I’m the one parked behind the moving van, next to Alexandra’s Mercedes. Why she’s not on her honeymoon is a mystery to me. Probably didn’t go because of what happened at the wedding and she’s going to blame it on me.
When I walk into Ava and Cullen’s house, Kona greets me immediately. I had left him in the kennel when I left this morning which means Alexandra let him out. His tail wags like he’s happy to see me, but Alexandra, I can’t say the same for her. She looks kinda of pissed, oh, wait, that’s just her usual look.
Looking around me, she stares blankly. “Where’s River?”
Pushing the front door closed with my foot, I grab Kona by the collar so he doesn’t get out the front door. “With Tiller for a few days. I don’t want her here while we move out the only life she’s known.”
Her face screws from pissed to unbelieving. “Are you crazy? Why would you leave her with Tiller?”
Rolling my eyes, I pat my thigh, coaxing Kona as I move through the formal living room and attempt to get him to the backyard. It’ll make moving boxes out easier without him under our feet. “He’s her dad, Alexandra.”
“No, Cullen was her dad. Tiller is just a guy who apparently gave them what they wanted. He has no business being around her.”
I stop walking once I’m in the kitchen and turn to face her. “He’s not going to hurt her. Despite what you and our parents think.” I wonder if she understands the meaning, and if she had anything to do with them filing a petition for custody. Look at her, she did.
“He’s crazy. Do you know how many times he’s been arrested? It was so irresponsible of you to leave him with her, and after what he pulled at the wedding, this is just ridiculous.”
Her words aren’t anything I haven’t heard before. “You’re being dramatic. And shouldn’t you be on your honeymoon?”
“Terrance has a record dropping next week and couldn’t take time off.” Her words come out fast, like she can’t believe she has to explain this to me. “What if River gets hurt? How will you feel then?”
Kind of like I did when my sister died, I suppose.
“I didn’t have much of a choice, Alexandra. You sold the house, and I didn’t want her here to see us moving all their stuff out of the only home she’s ever known. It’s been traumatizing enough for her lately.”
“You could have left her with me.”
I pretend to be appalled, and I kind of am so it’s not all that hard to achieve the look. “She’s better off with Tiller.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means maybe River deserves some spontaneity in her life. All she’s ever known is schedules and proper eating. Maybe being a kid might do her some good.”
“That’s ridiculous. Kids need schedules.”
Bending down, I grab a box from the kitchen counter and just as I lift it, the bottom falls out and everything crashes on my feet. Here’s a tip for you while moving. Don’t wear sandals.
Alexandra rolls her eyes and bends down to pick up cookbooks that I swear have broken my middle toe.
It’s when we’re on the ground, stacking the books back in a new box, when I stare at Alexandra. “She gave me custody of River because she wanted me to raise her. I can’t convince you what she did was right, because I don’t know myself, but it doesn’t make it any easier to constantly have you and our parents undermining a decision I didn’t make.”
Look at her. Do you think she’s contemplating what I said? This is Alexandra after all, but you might be surprised to know her features soften from her usually cold and withdrawn, to sincere. “I know that, Amberly, but I’m thinking of River here. You’re not exactly stable.”
“I got a bigger apartment,” I point out, as if that qualifies me. But then I think, who is she to decide if I’m stable? Just because she has her life together doesn’t make her stable either. It just means she landed a rich guy and gets to live off him. She’s never even held a damn job before.
“Who’s paying for it?” she has the nerve to ask. I’m going to pause here. Just for a moment. I think it’s important to tell you this. A couple of weeks back, River and I were watching Animal Planet. They featured sand tiger sharks. Did you know while in the womb, the tiger shark embryos feast on their siblings? Scientists think it’s because it will allow the surviving baby shark to grow large enough that predators with leave it alone once it’s born.
I think about Ava, Alexandra, and me as embryos once and the only reason Alexandra didn’t eat me was because one, we weren’t in the womb together, but I think Ava talked her out of it.
You’re probably wondering what that has to do with this situation, aren’t you? Well maybe nothing. I just wanted you to know about sand tiger sharks, but also, I wish I would have eaten Alexandra when she was a baby because then maybe for once, I could have felt bigger than her.
Now, back to Alexandra and her question. “Tiller is. He’s her dad and wanted to pay for a bigger place for her.” Even I can’t believe his willingness to participate suddenly, but I think it has something to do with what happened on the drive back from Muir Beach, but I can’t be sure. I know I see a change for the better in him.
Tiller paying for my apartment is not what Alexandra wants to hear because in her eyes, in the eyes of our parents, I don’t think they want me to do right, and they certainly do not want Tiller providing for River. They have it in their head he’s never going to amount to anything but the guy I hang on.
“That’s not going to last,” Alexandra snorts out and then rights herself to a standing position, straightening out her neatly pressed dress. You can look at her clothes and mine and tell the difference immediately. While she’s always proper, I’m a mess and mismatched. I’m not even wearing the same sandals. One’s brown and one’s black. Don’t judge. I was in a hurry once I found out the house sold and I needed to be out by Thursday. It’s Monday. Three days wasn’t much time.
“And if it does?” I ask, knowing nothing he does will ever be good enough.
It takes her a moment, but then she shrugs. “Then I guess good for you.”
Good for you? She doesn’t mean it. I don’t think she knows how.
Sighing, I walk away, upstairs to start packing up River’s room. I’m not going to be able to convince them otherwise, so why try to? All I need to worry about now is River.
As I’m packing up her room, it’s a picture of her parents that draws my attention. My lashes sprinkle with tears, stinging my eyes. They seemed like the perfect pair and if you knew them, you never once would have suspected they had problems or that Ava would have cheated on him.
Setting the photograph in the bottom of a box wrapped in bubble wrap like my fragile heart these days, I can’t help the flood of tears that come with putting them in a box. The feeling’s worse than the ones I had at their funeral when they lowered them into the ground and the regret gnawing at me knowing they were missing out on the rest of their daughter’s life.
People make mistakes. They did and maybe the biggest one was leaving River with me, but something made them do it. That has to count for something, right?