I sit in my truck for over an hour. Smoking. Trying to calm my nerves, but it doesn’t work. Eventually, I give up and say fuck it, it’s now or never.
Believe it or not, the first person I run into at the party is Doug Johnson. Lucky me. He catches me near the street, next to my truck.
He stares at me, like “why are you here?” Tucking one hand into the pocket of his black slacks, he lifts his chin and runs his other hand down his beard. And then he reaches for my hand and I shake his. It’s the weirdest experience of my life, and that includes the time I had lunch with a gorilla in Africa and he threw shit at me.
Maybe Doug’s getting ready to throw shit at me, and that wouldn’t be surprising at all. But he says, “I still think you’re an asshole, but I respect that you went to rehab and are at least trying to make some changes.”
Did he really say that? You heard him too, right? Am I imagining this? I wait. I don’t say anything. Is he going to throw shit at me still?
He doesn’t.
Squaring my shoulders, my posture stiffens. “I still think you’re a dick, but I respect that your Amberly’s dad and River’s grandpa so thanks.”
He laughs and motions over his shoulder, his keys in his hand. “Party’s back there.”
I thank him and walk away
I’m nervous and sweating like a pig up the driveway. I stall near the side of the house with a gift in my hand. I nearly drop it twice because my damn hands are shaking so bad. And my heart, it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest.
Christ, you’d think I was high again. And in a way, I am, but not from substance. I’m high on fear that they won’t want anything to do with me. In freestyle competition, you have two minutes to impress the crowd. If I can do that, I can certainly apologize, right?
One would think so, but I’m not entirely convinced yet.
In the backyard, it looks like a princess movie threw up. I spot Amberly first, her bright purple hair standing out against the pale pink tents in the backyard. She’s wearing a diamond tiara and looks fucking adorable in a flowy turquoise dress. Do you see her? She’s hard to miss with the hair, but she’s arranging gifts on the table, only they’re overflowing onto the grass.
I don’t move at first. I stare at Amberly’s beautiful hair. I smile because while she’s arranging gifts, she’s licking the frosting off a cupcake, and I think it’s funny. She’s hates cake. Doesn’t see the point in it when there’s frosting to be licked. The fact that I remember it makes me smile wider.
My jaw clenches, my heart beats faster. I swallow. I can do this, right? With a deep breath, I straighten out my shirt and walk over to her. I stand there for a moment, waiting to see if she’ll turn around, and when she doesn’t, I whisper in her ear. “I think you’re fighting a losing battle there.”
She startles, jumping at the sound of my voice. She turns around, her face flushed, her hand over her heart. “You scared me.”
“Well I thought about whispering Candyman, but I was afraid you’d punch me and I’d drop the gift.” I hand it to her like it’s a bomb. “Here’s one more.”
She looks at the present, awkwardly wrapped by me in black duct tape and a paper bag we had lying around. But do you see that? She smiles. And it looks fucking sincere, doesn’t it? “You came.”
I smile, too. “Did you think I wouldn’t?”
Her face falters. She had her doubts. “I didn’t know what to think.” Her voice shakes, as if she’s unsure how to act. Her hands fidget with her dress, hair, anything to keep herself busy. “You’re not the most predictable person, you know?”
Sighing heavily, I nod my head once. “I’m working on changing that.”
Our eyes meet, and it takes everything in me not to kiss her. I want to so fucking bad I have to bury my hands in the pockets of my jeans to keep from pulling her in.
Staring at the present in her hands, she smiles again, then sets it with the others. When her back’s to me, my eyes roam over her body. She looks like she’s lost weight since I last saw her. Not much, but her shoulders are more pronounced. It pisses me off because it’s probably because of me.
“I heard about you going to rehab,” she says softly, twisting around to face me. “I’m really proud of you. I know it can’t be easy for you to give up a lifestyle you love.”
“I wouldn’t say I loved the lifestyle,” I admit, hoping she sees the truth behind it. “There’s something I love more, and it gave me a good bit of incentive to change my ways.”
Do you notice the way her breath catches? She understands the meaning and deflects her feelings. “River will be excited to see you. She really missed you.”
I take a step toward her. “Did you hear what I said?” My voice breaks. I hate the emotion welling up. Fuck that. Clearing my throat, I straighten my back, tensing through it.
She’s quiet, my words wrapping around her. “Yes.”
I don’t break our stare. “What did I say?”
Dropping her eyes from mine, she draws in a careful breath, her voice shaking. “You said there’s something you love more.”
“And who do you think I’m referring to when I say that?”
She swallows, her cheeks as pink as the bows covering the white linen tables beside her. Laughter floats around us from the nearby children when she whispers, “River.”
Leaning in, I’m close, but I don’t touch her, but I breathe out, “That’s true, but River isn’t my only reason.”
When I pull back, I’d like to think she’s open to the idea, but I can’t read her emotions.
“I think about you more than I want to admit,” she says, giving me a smile that’s more, I like you, than I hate you.
“I’ll take that.”
She gestures to River who hasn’t noticed me yet. “We’re a package deal now, Tiller. So if you want me in your life, she’s part of that.”
I’m afraid to look. My eyes drift through the swarm of kids. For the first time in over a month, I see the girl who’s destroyed me in some ways and gave me hope in others. Do you see the little girl with the wild dark hair and pretty brown eyes? She’s by the swings staring curiously at me, but has yet to come over. “I think you got that wrong.”
“What do you mean?” Amberly asks, her eyes following mine to River.
“We’re a package deal. Me and her.” I give a nod to River and look back at Amberly. “I’m her dad. Where she goes, I go. If you want her, you’re stuck with me. Lucky you,” I tease, winking at her.
She doesn’t look completely disgusted by the idea, does she?
River bounds over, running at me, purple highlights in her dark hair. “You came!”
I catch her in my arms and wrap them around her tightly. There are no words at first. There is no sound, only my heart beating against her chest. Nothing else matters. Nothing else exists. Just her and me. My. . . daughter.
I kiss her cheek, smell her hair, hold her tiny body in my arms. “I got you something too.”
She shifts, wiggles to get a closer look, staring down at the presents. “Can I have it?”
I set her down and hand her the package. Eagerly, she tears at the bag, but the tape doesn’t let loose. Duct tape was a bad idea for kids. I help her, and she stares at the red rose cased in glass, like the one from the movie.
Her eyes find mine. I nearly cry, but don’t. The tears burn when she says, “I love it, Daddy.”
My eyes snap to Amberly, then back to River. Heart. Shattered.
She kisses my cheek and then runs off with her friends. I stand, and Amberly approaches. “Did you tell her about me?”
“That you’re her dad?”
“Yeah.”
Her stare moves from mine to River. “No. I didn’t. Yet. But the day the book arrived, she asked me if she could pick a new mommy and daddy since hers were gone.”
My chest shakes. I’m really trying fucking hard not to cry at this point. “And she chose me?”
“We both did.”
Do you catch the dual meaning? I do. And it gives me hope for more. No matter what happens here, I’m still going to be River’s father. Whether she chose me or not.
So in a way, I didn’t come for the girl, I came for the girl. Only the girl I’m after is four years old and has my eyes.