It was time River changed out of that dress and bathed. Hours later, after we dragged ourselves from the closet floor and Ava’s clothes, I’m standing in a clothing store. River’s looking at the dresses, laces, silks, ruffles, and still wearing her mother’s green cardigan sweater over the top of her dress.
She looks up at me, frowning. “I don’t wanna change my dress. I like it.”
I sigh and kneel next to her. “Okay, here’s the deal.” She stares at me, reaching for my hands to hold them. “Forget about your hair being green. . . you’re gonna be green soon if we don’t, one, shower tonight, and two, change your clothes.”
She lets go of my hands, her arms straight at her side and a scowl wrinkling her forehead. “No. I don’t want to.”
“Sorry, kiddo.” I pat her head, twisting her around to the rack of dresses. “We don’t have a choice. How about you pick a new one to wear. Something brand-new.”
“Why? I like this one. Mama bought it.”
There’s a defiant side to River, one I’ve seen many times in her young life and I always wondered who she got it from. It certainly wasn’t Cullen, a man of careful control and reserve. And it wasn’t Ava, the sweetest person you’d ever meet. My entire life with her, I’d never even heard Ava raise her voice. Knowing what I know now, I can see where it comes from. Tiller.
I want to tell her she doesn’t have to change, but I know she needs to. I want to say, “You need to change because I said so,” but I don’t because that’s not the right words. And my mother used to say that to me all the time, like it’d pacify anything she didn’t have an answer for.
“You’ve been such a good girl this last week, I just thought you might want to pick out something new.”
Her eyes brighten. “Like a toy?”
“You don’t have room for new toys.”
“I do too!”
Sighing, I stand up. “Okay, so you pick out a dress, take a bath tonight, and I’ll take you to get a toy tomorrow. How about that?”
I kid you not, she rolls her eyes at me and huffs out, “Fine.”
The store is empty apart from an elderly woman who moves slowly from one dress to the next, her hand trailing over the hangers as she skims through the rack feeling the different textures beneath her fingertips, the satin materials vastly smoother than her wrinkled skin.
River’s yet to make a decision. Probably because she’s only thinking about a toy now. She keeps looking though. She’s either disappointed at what she finds, or she’s remembering her mother taking her shopping for the dress splattered with blood she’s still wearing and I feel horrible for asking her to change.
I’m pulled from my inner thoughts, voices in the distance. The three faces are immediately recognizable, one sparks a deeper emotion than the other.
Internally, my heart tugs with a gamut of emotions I don’t understand. Bella and her friend, smiling and laughing as they relay something to Cody, who follows behind them.
A sudden emotion surges, spreading like wildfire when I see Bella Ames. Every girl has one rival, and I can’t even say Bella’s a rival. She’s just someone who’s been in my life since I was young, and always a step ahead of me. Even with Tiller. Especially with Tiller. I’m sure you know, but I’ve loved Tiller for like, ever. Bella knew this and still pursued him.
And Cody. . . he’s the nicest guy you’d ever meet, so unlike Bella and Tiller.
Cody’s gaze travels around the store for a few seconds before it meets mine, his lips turning up into a smile, resulting in my own. “Hey, Amberly.”
As always, Cody’s smile is genuine, and I’m weirdly nervous, but not really because of him. Or maybe just a little. Cody likes me in a way I’ll never return, but it’s hard to tell someone your heart belongs to a boy who only wants to drown it.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. My discomfort is mainly because of Bella.
“Hey, Cody,” I say, peeking up at him when I open my eyes, acknowledging his presence.
He smiles, a soft upturn of lips. “I heard. . . .” His voice trails off, and then he adds, “And I’m sorry.”
I’m tired of hearing that phrase and wish I’ll never hear it again.
“Thank you,” I voice as he leans against a rack, watching me, and then River. “Is that her daughter?”
I nod, my suddenly heavy heart aching, my eyes stinging and landing on the girl next to him. I wonder why Cody’s here with Bella, when I’ve only ever seen her around Tiller, hanging on his every word at the track. And if she’s not near Tiller, she’s with other riders. She’s a ProHo (a girl who only goes after professional riders) at best, and that’s giving her a lot of credit if you ask me.
Her too light gray eyes assess me and my hair for longer than I enjoy. She does this any time we unintentionally cross paths. It’s like she’s looking for something, a fault, a memory, I’m not sure. And I’m unsure of her, unable to get a clear read on who she really is. She’s either very straightforward or she’s hiding from a lot.
Blinking like someone snapped their fingers in her face, Bella seems to find her words. “God, I’m so sorry, Amberly. I can’t imagine losing my sister.”
The bleach in her hair runs deeper than her roots. I wonder if she realizes what she said. Being an only child, she doesn’t have a sister. And then her smile wanes just a little. “How are you holding up?”
“It’s okay.” I find myself saying the right words, too, even though I don’t feel the truth behind them. “I’m doing fine.”
Am I though? I think I’m just going through the motions for the sake of River.
A throat clears. “Will you be at After Dark tonight?” Cody interrupts, my own voice instantly dying in my throat. “We’re heading out here soon. Bella just had to pick up her dry cleaning across the street.”
And yet it still doesn’t make sense why they’re here, in the kids clothing section of Nordstrom’s, but whatever. I don’t bother asking because I’m not sure I care to know the answer.
“No, I’m off for the next couple of weeks,” I answer, checking my watch for good measure, like I have somewhere to be. Anything to get out of this awkward situation. But I’m not wearing a watch so it looks like I’m checking out my wrist. “Kaylee’s filling in for me.”
Cody’s expression grows sincere. “That makes sense,” he replies, holding my gaze for a beat too long. Cody is Parker O’Neil’s mechanic. Parker is one of the riders on the After Dark tour. I can’t say anything bad about him, and he’s so unlike Tiller that I find myself drawn to him, but then again, he’s not the sin I crave.
With brief goodbyes and an awkward silence, they leave shortly afterwards, the relief instantaneous as I slouch. There’s no one left in the store but me and River, and for the first time today, the silence is a comfort. It’s like the caressing of gentle hands and love-filled words whispered against skin. I feel Ava’s presence again and smile down at the girl holding my hand.
You got this, Amberly.
Do I? I wish I could talk to her and ask her what in the world she had been thinking, but then again, maybe she didn’t mean go to Tiller right away. Maybe she meant wait a while and then slowly introduce them?
I guess I could have gone that route, but I desperately wanted to know why Tiller hadn’t told me he slept with Ava.
I know one thing. I’m so tired. The hurt from Tiller’s dismissal of River is lingering on my heart, pulling and twisting the beats in his direction. I know Ava wanted her to know him, but he doesn’t want to know her, a concept I will never understand, but live undoubtedly. My father doesn’t know anything about me. For all he knows, I still live at home and am just never there.
Plagued with thoughts I don’t understand, I can’t breathe in this store, surrounded by beauty I don’t feel inside. The need to get some fresh air is too strong. “Whatta say we go out for ice cream and then finish dress shopping later?”
River smiles, a little wider than before. “Yeah.”
Her smile reminds me of Ava and Tiller both, and I realize there’s a lot in my life I do wrong, some with shame. And I may not be strong against some, but I’m always brave for a little girl who’s part of me, even if not by birth.