You know how the first night went. The next morning, I take River downstairs, cover up the naked guy who sleeps on the table we never eat at, and hand her a bowl of Captain Crunch. That’s when Camden shows up, dressed in board shorts, no shirt, and shades. He’s looking more and more like Shade these days. Probably because he’s trying to win Scarlet’s affection.
“What are you doing here? Isn’t it a school day?”
He stares at me as he’s pouring himself a bowl of cereal. “It’s summer.”
Right. I knew that. Or did I? What day of the week is it?
“Whose kid is that?”
“I don’t know. She showed up at our door one day and only comes over to eat our food. Sound familiar?”
He shrugs. Obviously I’m referring to him and wink at River as he lifts his sunglasses.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
She stops chewing her cereal and nods. “Yes.”
“Where do bees get milk?”
“A cow?”
“Boobees,” Camden says, barely able to keep Captain Crunch from flying out of his mouth.
I shake my head, trying to suppress my own laughter.
Roan comes downstairs next, looks at the kid, then me and shakes his head. Doesn’t even ask who she is. Doubt he cares. Guess who follows him downstairs?
Ophelia Hadley. Do you remember her? Bet ya do. I’ll refresh. Me. Her. Brother rivalry?
Glad you’re up to speed. Now, take a look at the death glare she gives me. She still hates me. And while we’re at it, it’s unwarranted if you ask me. It’s not like I forced her to have sex with me.
River jumps down off the stool and takes off upstairs. I’m assuming to get her blanket. She’s attached to it. Anyway, look back at what O’s wearing. Same clothes from last night.
I wink and reach for my coffee on the counter only to have Roan take it and dump it down the drain. Fuck face. “You finally close the deal?”
Ophelia glares at me. “You’re such as ass.”
“Yeah, well,” I reach for an orange on the counter and toss it at Roan’s head, “I should have fucked you in the ass.”
Take a guess as to what happens next? A wild fucking guess.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Incredibly lame. Roan picks the orange off the floor. It missed his head. Then smiles at me and walks off with his arm around O and back upstairs.
Scarlet appears out of nowhere and shoves her phone in my face, showing me a weather warning on her phone. “It’s supposed to be like a hundred today. We shouldn’t go outside with River because of the air quality.”
“We? As me and you? When did we become a couple?”
“Since you brought her adorable butt into my life. Don’t fuck this up. I love her.” She looks proud, doesn’t she. She’s also drinking an iced coffee and I’m thirsty. So I take it from her because Roan dumped mine out.
Big mistake. It tastes like chocolate cake and I hate chocolate. “What is this shit, Northwest?”
“Coffee.” She rips it from my hands. “And mine.”
There I sit, no coffee, and realize River never came back downstairs. Are you panicked?
Uh, you should be. Last time she was alone she got into lube.
Camden’s on the couch, stuck in Mario land. I knock the side of his head with my hand. “Where’d the girl go?”
“I don’t know.” He doesn’t look up from his video game. “She’s not mine.”
He has a valid point. Upstairs I go.
“River? Where ya at?”
I find her in the bathroom, lights off, standing in the doorway. “I here!” she announces, all smiles and bubbly. “Beauty and the Beast?”
Ten minutes later and a very angry Camden for being forced to watch Beauty and the Beast, River and I sit on the couch with her wearing my helmet. For one, she loves it and two, I’m slightly concerned about the air quality in the house due to the broken window not being fixed, I’m protecting her lungs. Not all that great because there’s no visor on dirt bike helmets. But it’s the thought that counts.
Did River’s events upstairs go unnoticed? Nope. I’ll get to that soon.
It starts with the smell. That ungodly smell of shit. And, more importantly, it’s coming from River. I try to ignore it, because hey, maybe the kid farted and I don’t want to embarrass her, so I let it go. Until I can’t anymore. It’s awful.
I pause the movie. “River, did you fart?”
“No!” And yes, she yells her answer in my face.
Again, I try to ignore it, but it’s impossible.
“Seriously, River, what’s that smell?”
That’s when she jumps up from the couch and takes off running upstairs. Hauling myself off the couch, I realize it’s time to investigate why she disappeared earlier.
Upstairs, River stands in the bathroom at the top of the stairs, hanging her head in shame. Do you see it? Look over River’s shoulder. Believe me, it’s worse than I imagined.
She pooped all right, but I don’t know whether she stood up in the process or couldn’t wipe right. Either way, it looks as if someone painted the floor with shit.
Scarlet walks by, on the phone and ignoring me. I grab her by the elbow and pull her back. “I need you.”
She blocks the phone with her hand. “I’m on the phone with Rod. Can this wait?”
“No.” I take the phone, press End and toss it down the stairs.
Scowling, she huffs out a breath and ties her mess of curls up in a bun. It looks something similar to a Top Ramen beehive. “Was that necessary?”
“Very.” I turn her to face the bathroom and whisper over her shoulder. “What do we do?”
Notice how I’m using her as a shield? It’s by design.
Scarlet pushes back against me. “No. Way. I’m not dealing with that. You have maids for that.” And then she wiggles away from me and runs into Shade’s room at the end of the hall. Ordinarily, I’d follow her and demand she get me out of this mess. Or I’d find that damn maid. But River’s now crying, and I can’t bear to see her in tears.
I look from her to the floor and the horrific images before me, and then back down at River. “Uh. . . I. . . you.” I pause, unable to formulate a plan in my head. “You should take a bath. Again.”
Helping her out of her clothes, that’s when I notice the rest of her looks worse than the bathroom floor. It looks like shit exploded in her pants and then dried.
“Wow. . . okay.” I stand up and take her hand, leading her out of the bathroom. I leave the clothes and shit-covered walls behind the closed door. “This is going to take some time, so let’s use a different bathroom. There’s like twelve in here somewhere.”
I’m not even joking. I had to fill the tub and drain it twice, and then scrub her for an hour.
“Amberly is never going to leave me alone with you again,” I tell her, sometime after washing her hair for the third time. Our eyes meet. “How did you get it in your hair?”
She shrugs and splashes me with water. Probably pee water mixed with kid shit.
Just as I’m getting her out of the tub, Amberly choses then to “check in”, which is code for, she’s still alive, right?
Amberly: How’s it going?
I look to River who’s beside me, trying her hardest to fold a towel. “Amberly wants to know how it’s going. How should I answer?”
River stares at me, her brow scrunched in concentration that she can’t make a perfect square with the towel on the floor. In case you’re wondering, we’re still in the bathroom. Sitting on the floor.
“Good?” she asks, like that’s the grand-prize answer.
I raise an eyebrow and then nod to the door, the direction of the bathroom we might have to remodel later. “Are you confident in your answer?”
Check out her face. She doesn’t know what confident means but despite this, she nods and sits on my lap, thankfully now with clean not smelling-like-shit clothes on.
Twisting to the side, I text Amberly back.
Me: I thought you said she’s housebroken. . . .
Amberly: Housebroken? She’s not a dog. And yes, she’s potty trained. . .
Me: Lies.
Amberly: What?
Me: Nothing.
Amberly: Seriously, Tiller. What are you talking about? She’s potty trained.
I don’t feel the need to explain our morning. I’d like to forget it so I settle on—
Me: When will you be back?
Amberly: Late tonight hopefully.
Me: I expect pussy for payment.
Amberly: You’re awful.
Me: I’m horny. There’s a BIG difference. And by big, I mean me.
Amberly: Yeah, I picked up on that.
Me: Stop texting me and move.
Amberly: Keep the kid alive.
Me: uh huh.
Amberly: Send me a picture just so I know she’s safe.
Me: Only if you send me a picture of your tits.
She doesn’t reply, and you know, my curiosity gets the better of me, so I snap a picture of River and me. Don’t we look cute? It’s our first selfie together. You tell anyone and I’ll kill you.
I send the picture.
Me: She’s alive.
And then I stare at the picture for a moment and realize just how much this kid looks like me. It’s crazy. Same eyes, same face structure, freckles.
River gets up and leaves the bathroom. I follow because fuck, you can’t leave her unattended. It’s then the text comes through from Amberly with a photo.
Amberly: Wait up for me.
A picture comes through next of her bare tits.
Stop looking. She’s mine.