Given my actions, I had a lot to apologize for when it came to what I said in my room that day. More importantly, I need Amberly to know I didn’t mean a goddamn word of it. I need her to know while I was a piece of shit, lowlife, asshole who’d lost his mind that day, it didn’t reflect how I feel about her now.
I get my chance when River’s playing with her friends and I’m left with Amberly alone as she’s cleaning up the gifts and placing them in the back of her 4Runner. Seeming to avoid conversation with me, she doesn’t look at me much. Alexandra walks by, holding her stomach like she’s ate some bad Chinese food.
“What’s with her?”
Amberly rolls her eyes and places another bag in the back. “She’s pregnant.”
Alexandra waddles down the pebble stone driveway. All the way down it like if she moves too quickly the kid’s going to slide right out. “With what? A bomb?”
Amberly’s laughter surrounds me and I can’t take it any longer. I have to know I can see her again.
I trap her at the back, pressed up against the rear quarter panel of her car.
“I can’t take it any longer. Tell me there’s a chance,” I beg, holding her face between my hands. I want to kiss her. I almost do, but her words are important.
She swallows. She hesitates. My heart races. Maybe she can’t forgive me, and I wouldn’t blame her.
Strands of purple displace with the shifting of the wind. She’s so fucking pretty I can’t stand it.
“There’s a chance,” she whispers, searching my eyes. “But you scare me, Tiller.”
Honey, I scare myself. Though I don’t want to admit it, there’s too much wrong with me. That’s my problem. Too much so maybe she won’t forgive me, and I know I can’t blame her for it. Doesn’t stop me from trying because I’m nothing if not persistent.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness here, or even to be with you, right now.” Bullshit. “I’m asking for a chance I guess.” Knowing if I don’t, I’m going to kiss her, I let go, step back, create some distance while my heart screams for me to hold on. “Maybe a date. One night, or maybe ten. Anything to show you there’s more here than me just wanting to fuck you. I know I did a lot of fucked-up shit but goddamn it, I want to show you there’s more to this than what I led on.” I pause, waiting and then add, “Just asking for the night.”
Do you think she’s going to go for it? Fuck, I hope so. Check out her face. Do you see the way she’s watching me? She’s either going to walk away or tell me off.
“One date. That’s all,” I add again. I sound like I’m begging and I am. “One night to show you what’s real. I can’t tell you this will all work out like I want, or you might want, but if this turns out to be a big fucking mistake, let’s make that big fucking mistake together.”
My nerves sail, my stomach drops. When she closes her eyes, I want them open to make her see how consumed I am by her. I want her to see the guilt I’m wearing on my face.
I shift, uncomfortable, my hands in my pockets. “If this isn’t what you want, I’ll give up,” I tell her. “I’ll still support you and River, but I’ll leave you alone and you can be with whoever you want.”
Do you think I’m serious? Fuck that shit. I’ll kill the motherfucker who thinks he can take my place. You didn’t think I’d changed that much, did you? I might be clean, but I’m not delusional. This girl is mine. Breathing in deeply, I have to stop myself from thinking about it.
The thought of her never forgiving me terrifies me, makes my stomach burn and knot with regret.
She laughs, warmth spreading over her cheek bones. “The Tiller I know wouldn’t give up so easily.”
She knows me well.
For a moment, I see it for what it is. She might not forgive me and that’s on me. I can’t make her. Honestly, I don’t remember what I said to her in my room, but I know it was bad. Bad enough that she has every right not to forgive me. It didn’t even matter that the drugs River found weren’t mine. She was in my house and it shouldn’t have happened. I’m to blame for it. I take responsibility for it.
I’m not angry. Not really. Not anymore. I’m guilty. And this isn’t about forgiveness. It’s about our future and if there’s one together. Forgiveness, if given, can come later.
Amberly breathes in deeply, her hands on my chest. Her focus moves to the fabric of my shirt and running her fingertips over the material. “Do you remember when we were kids and I ran away to your house and you hid me your closet so Ricky wouldn’t send me home?”
I nod. I vaguely remember it, but then when I think about it, I do. I remember she had dyed her hair bright yellow.
“You said I was enough. Is that still true?” she asks, looking at me. “Am I enough for you?”
“Yes. It’s still true.” The words are said with such conviction she has no reason to doubt me. I can feel my heart in my throat, waiting on her next words. “Let me show you.” Leaning forward, I slowly curve my fingers around the back of her neck, gripping tighter as I lean in. Searching her eyes, I bring her body closer, and repeat. “Let me.”
Do you notice how silent she is? If only my mind was as quiet.
Fuck, I want so badly to kiss her now, but still, I withhold because what’s that going to prove? Never in my life have I had so much self-control. Other than the time I went sky diving with Shade and Roan. We’d been filming a commercial where we jumped out of a plane with our bikes and performed stunts. Anyway, not that any of this fucking matters, but Roan had been sitting near the drop zone and he wasn’t wearing his parachute yet. I nearly pushed him out. I could have. I can’t say for sure I would have gone through with it, but in my state of mind—psychotic—it certainly was a distinct possibility I would have.
I had self-control, and well, I suppose a slight resemblance of a conscience back then.
Amberly sighs and untangles herself. She holds up her keys. “I’m going to take River home.” My eyes drop to my feet. I hang my head. Denial fucking hurts. “I’m not saying no,” she adds, pressing her palm to my scruffy cheek. Leaning into her hand, I sigh, my eyes never meeting hers. “Just give me some time to think.”
Nodding, my voice is rougher than before, with so much emotion I can’t help. “Just give me one night. That’s all I’m asking for.”
I grab her hand and kiss her knuckles and then I let go. I walk away. Not because I want to, but because she needs me to.
To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.