I’m the youngest of three daughters. You’d think by knowing this I’m the spoiled one. The one who got everything and anything they wanted. You’d think this. . . but you’d be surprised to know that didn’t happen.
Instead, my parents, mostly my father, has treated me like the burden. The child they didn’t plan. In their eyes, I’m not good enough, a huge disappointment because I chose to work as a sales associate for Jett Industries. Seeing how my father has been in the world of motorcycle racing his entire life, the corporate side of it, you’d think this would be a bonus point for me. No. Girls shouldn’t work in this industry is his general assessment. He’s the motocross commissioner for FIM, which is the International Motorcycling Federation. And apparently, he’s still stuck in the fifties, where the women were stay-at-home mothers, like Ava was, or Alexandra, his favorite. I’ll never understand why Alexandra is the chosen one, but I’ve grown to not care over the years.
To my parents and Alexandra, I’ll never be good enough, and that includes taking care of River. Ava, she never treated me differently. If anything, she was the only one in our family who kept me from running away. Which, if we’re being honest, I ran away a lot as a kid. To Tiller’s house, but eventually Ricky, Tiller’s uncle, made me return in fear my father would come after him.
The funeral was yesterday, four days after Ava and Cullen’s death, and I’m still taking care of River because she refuses to let me out of her sight. I’ve held her every night until she falls asleep, usually in the early morning hours. And even then, I sleep next to her, in her bed because she wakes up at even the slightest movement.
When she does sleep, she cries for her mommy and my heart breaks. She’s sad and lonely, and I don’t know how to help her because at the same time, I’m empty inside, begging for someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay, even though I know for a while, it won’t be.
Do you see River outside with Terrance as we sit at the dining room table? She’s dressed in the same princess dress from the accident with the lavender lace and black combat boots. My mom tried to change her. Alexandra tried to change her. I. . . haven’t. When she wants to wear something else, she will. For now, I let her hold comfort in the one reminder of her parents.
It’s Friday morning, not even a week after their death, and here we are discussing their last will. Whatever that means. Was there a first will and I missed that? I do know, from what they’re saying, it details what happens to their stuff and of course River, but I don’t know all the legal terms like Alexandra does when she asks, “Please move on to the guardianship.”
“Guardianship?” My eyes move to Mitchel, Ava and Cullen’s lawyer. “That’s who gets custody of River, right?”
He nods. His voice cuts into the silence. “Custody and care of the child. . . .” The words hang there, searing themselves in my head long after the sound died away.
My breath hitches. That same lump that’s been there for days rises. Those are the words we’re waiting on.
“A trust has been set up in her name where the mortgage to the home on Moraga Drive is held. The conservator to the mortgage and trust we hereby appoint Regina Johnson.”
My mother? Look at my mother’s face? Of course she’s pleased, to be in charge of their financial situation and River’s. I can’t afford that nine-thousand-dollar-a-month mortgage like they can, but I’m curious what that means for this house. The only home River’s ever known.
Mitchel clears his throat, the shifting of pages. His eyes meet mine, then Alexandra’s and then my mother’s. Is he judging our reaction? “With regard to the custody of River, we hereby appoint custody of River James Taylor and leaving her with all legal rights to Amberly Johnson.”
Do you hear the sharp intake of my breath? What about Alexandra?
“What? No way. Let me see that!” Alexandra reaches for the will, ripping it from the lawyer’s hand. “Are there any contingencies?”
“Yes. If Amberly is unwilling or unable to take care of River, custody would be given to Cullen’s sister, Valerie.”
Valerie? It dawns on me who she is. Oh hell no. That woman smells like cheese and gives everyone molded fruitcakes for Christmas? No way.
My mind races, but I take a moment to comprehend what this means. Not only did they completely exclude Alexandra, they chose two people over her? I want to laugh. The corners of my mouth twitch, but the smile doesn’t break free.
My eyes move to the backyard, to River, surrounded by rich, golden rays of sunshine, yet her mood is anything but. She’s on the swing, unmoving, uninterested in Terrance and his attempt to interest her in the bubbles he’s blowing.
Sliding an envelope across the table, Mitchel clears his throat once more. “She left you this letter. The both of you.” He looks at me and then Alexandra.
Alexandra takes it, rips it from my hand like Ava’s been ripped from my life. “Let me read it.”
I read over her shoulder, unwilling to wait. I had to know what would have provoked her to leave me custody of their child.
Alexandra and Amberly,
When it came time to decide who we were going to name as guardian of River if something happened to both Cullen and I, we struggled with who would be the right person.
The question then became how do you choose? How do you decide who is going to raise the one person who you truly love more than anything in this world? How do you pick someone to take all the moments you had hoped you would share as their parent, first day of kindergarten, first dance, first kiss and first heartbreak? How do you decide who’s going to be the one to help her someday pick out a college or a wedding dress? The thought of missing any of those things brings us so much sadness.
But Cullen tells me we have to be responsible. We need to make sure River is taken care of in the same manner we would have raised her. And I love you, Alexandra, dearly, but the only person who can do this would be Amberly.
I know it comes as a surprise, as Alexandra has always been referred to as the responsible one, the rock. Your moral compass is always pointed north, and you never veer from your course. That world has worked for you, Alexandra, and you are amazing. You’ve always been a great sister and a wonderful example, but the truth is, I want something different for River.
Amberly, you’ve always marched to the beat of your own drum. When society says you must turn left, you would stop and consider, and most of the time you would turn right. I’ve always admired the way you follow your heart and not always your head. You’ve made mistakes, but you’ve always had the humility to learn from them.
That’s what I want for River. I want someone who will dance in the rain with her when she’s wearing a princess dress and combat boots. I want someone who will just as happily take her to baseball practice as she would be taking her to dance rehearsals, if that’s what she wants. I want someone who will support her choices, whether they are the expected path or the roads less traveled. Someone who will teach her to trust her heart as much as her head, and most of all, I want someone who will stand by her no matter what.
I don’t doubt for a moment that you love River, Alexandra. I don’t doubt that you would protect her with your life, but it’s Amberly who I know will allow her to become exactly who she was born to be. Whether that’s a housewife who stays home to raise her children or a professional motocross racer who travels the world looking for the next big rush.
Amberly, you have stumbled more than once and have the scars to prove it. But you also have strength from picking yourself up again. Sometimes you have to walk a long way in the wrong direction to know where you’re going. Please look after my girl with the same ferocity and loyalty that you live every day. I trust you to. I believe in you, and in a way you will never truly understand, I am incredibly jealous of you. You get those moments now. Treasure them.
Love, Ava & Cullen
Tears roll down my cheeks, my eyes blinded by their presence. My focus drifts to River.
Sometimes saying goodbye to someone is saying hello to something new in your life. I have no idea what I’m going to do, or how I’ll raise this little girl in the way Ava would have wanted me to, but nothing will stop me from trying.