‘For Pete’s sake, look at you. I’ll put the kettle on,’ Ellen said as she opened the door.
Hayley could rely on her best friend to speak her mind. She pulled a face. ‘Got anything stronger? Arsenic? Cyanide?’
Ellen raised an eyebrow then turned and marched down the hallway to the kitchen, her long blonde hair bouncing along behind her. She pushed up the sleeves of her grey sweatshirt, fished a bottle of white wine out of the fridge and plonked it on the table.
‘Wotcha!’ Mark walked into the kitchen carrying a very sleepy looking, six-year old Morgan. She looked like she’d had a bath and she smelled of strawberries, her damp hair framing her delicate features. Hayley noticed her smooth skin and wished she could make her own as flawless. Morgan gave Hayley a little wave and held out her favourite stuffed toy, a floppy-eared, brown and beige rabbit ingeniously named Bunny. Hayley took Bunny and moved its paws in a wave to Morgan, who giggled.
‘How’s the family?’ Mark asked, putting Morgan down and then straightening up with a slight groan. When he caught Hayley’s look he pulled a face. ‘Uh-oh.’ He rubbed his chin. ‘Need a girl’s night in with the wife? I can take my guitar down the pub.’
She shook her head. ‘No, you don’t have to leave. It’s mainly work and …’ She sighed. ‘Rick and I fought again.’ Hayley thought she saw Mark and Ellen exchange a look but Mark turned his back and swiftly got three wine glasses out of the cupboard. He opened the bottle of white and filled the glasses almost to the top, then chucked the cork in the dented stainless-steel bin with a clang.
‘Morgan, I think Hayley needs a cuddle,’ he said.
Morgan obliged, wrapping her arms around her. Hayley squeezed back and kissed the top of her forehead.
‘Let’s go then, Missy,’ Mark said. ‘Time for bed.’
Morgan looked up at Hayley. ‘Will you tuck me in?’
‘I’d love to.’
Morgan clapped her hands as she danced off down the hallway, her feet thud-thudding across the floor, while Hayley followed. Her bedroom had soft pastel curtains and pink walls, a single bed with a white frame and three hearts cut into the headboard. There were Little Miss and Angelina Ballerina books in the bookshelves, and stuffed animals on the floor. Bunny’s fancy daybed, a purple satin covered shoe box, lay on Morgan’s pillow.
Morgan climbed into bed. ‘Night-night. I love you,’ she said as she kissed Hayley on the cheek.
Hayley felt a lump rising in her throat. ‘I love you too. Sleep well, little angel.’ She kissed her, then called Mark and Ellen.
‘So?’ Ellen said as the three of them settled down on the well-worn but wonderfully comfortable blue sofas in the living room. ‘What’s going on?’
Hayley smoothed her hand over the cushion and traced her finger around the old, dried red wine stain that reminded her of Gorbachev’s birthmark. She shook her head. ‘Work is hell. Charles is making my life so miserable. He piles his work onto me and it means I hardly see Rick and the kids. Charles, on the other hand, seems to play an awful lot of golf.’
‘He’s such an arse,’ Mark said, then arched his back and grunted. ‘He really is.’
‘I know.’ Hayley swallowed some wine, enjoying the mild burning sensation in her throat. ‘He blames me whenever anything goes wrong and that seems to be a lot these days. But he’s always clever, I’ll give him that. If I say anything it looks like I’m making excuses, so I take the hit. And,’ she puffed out her cheeks, ‘I didn’t get that other job.’
‘What?’ said Ellen. ‘Why?’
Hayley shrugged. ‘Filled it internally. But that’s not the only problem.’ She explained how the Berger offer had fallen through and her conversation with Charles.
‘Oh bloody hell, Hayley,’ Ellen said.
‘I know damn well he’s trying to push me out, get me to quit and I probably would have if I’d got that job. But now … What if he fires me?’
‘Well, if he does it’s his funeral,’ Ellen said.
‘Let him sack you,’ Mark said as he filled Hayley’s glass back to the top. ‘He’ll beg you to come back when he realises how much shit he’s in. You work harder than anyone in that firm.’
‘It’s not that easy,’ countered Hayley. ‘I’ve lost deals and … he has allies.’
Ellen frowned. ‘Allies? What do you mean?’
Hayley hesitated. ‘I … I haven’t said anything to Rick but … I overheard Charles speaking to Max.’
‘One of the partners?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Sounds ominous.’ Mark said.
Hayley nodded. ‘Charles said he didn’t think I was in control of the Berger deal.’ She laughed. ‘Turns out that was true, right? But he said he’d specifically given me the responsibility of getting that client. And it’s true. He did.’ She paused. ‘Anyway … he told Max if the deal collapses, he’ll be recommending severe consequences for me.’
‘Hang on a second,’ Mark said. ‘Severe consequences? After all you’ve done there?’
Hayley looked down. ‘Like I said, I’ve lost deals lately.’
‘Please tell me Max defended you?’ Ellen said.
Hayley shrugged. ‘Kind of, I suppose. Said something about my work always being exemplary. Then Charles jumped in and told him he’s seen it happen before.’
‘What?’ Mark said.
Hayley exhaled. ‘Solicitors losing their edge. The killer instinct disappearing.’ She bit her lip before continuing. ‘Charles has, and I quote, a number of contacts he could replace me with.’ She took a gulp of wine. ‘Practically guaranteed there wouldn’t be any disruption.’
‘The little fucker,’ Ellen said.
Hayley shuddered. ‘I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve always been so diligent, you know? They don’t call me Hawk-Eye Hayley for nothing.’ She paused. ‘I know there’ll be paperwork and reprimands before I’m fired, but … I … I just can’t face any of that right now.’
‘Charles really is a shit,’ Mark said. ‘Is there anything you can do?’
‘Other than leave?’ Hayley shrugged and drained her glass, then sighed. ‘He’s making my life a misery and I’m turning into a bitch. I’m no fun to be around. Rick said something about a big project he’s bidding on and what did I do? Bit his head off, that’s what. We got into an argument about Halloween costumes and the washing.’
‘Uh-oh,’ said Mark.
‘I know. I’m pathetic.’
‘That’s not fair and –’ Ellen said.
Hayley cut her off. ‘It is. I’ve morphed into a whining git who doesn’t have time for anybody and –’ She threw a hand up into the air. ‘You see? I’m whinging again. Mind you,’ she said, ‘it wouldn’t hurt if Rick could remember to get stuff done around the house.’
Ellen nodded silently.
‘A conversation might not be a bad idea,’ Mark said.
Hayley laughed. ‘Rick said something about me having,’ she made air quotation marks ‘a wall around myself.’ She saw Ellen and Mark’s faces. ‘What? You agree?’
Ellen looked down and fiddled with her watch, avoiding eye contact. Hayley recognised the stalling manoeuvre instantly.
Mark took the lead. ‘Look, when I saw Rick last week he told me things were a bit, uh, tense.’ Hayley started to protest but Mark continued. ‘And Ellen said you withdraw when you’re unhappy, didn’t you?’ Hayley saw Ellen shoot him her very best ‘shut up or die’ stare but Mark didn’t seem to notice and opened his mouth to continue.
‘What Mark is trying to say,’ Ellen said loudly, putting a hand on his thigh, ‘is that you don’t talk as much as you used to and perhaps you should.’
Hayley felt her shoulders stiffen. Rick had spoken to Mark about their problems behind her back? The double standard wasn’t lost on her – because here she was, talking to them.
They were my bloody sodding friends first.
She ignored how childish it sounded in her head. What else had Rick told them? That they hadn’t had sex in three months? As she felt the heat rising to her face, Hayley changed the subject clumsily, not caring how obvious it appeared.
‘Will you cut my hair Ellen, please, I’m desperate. What do you think about colouring it? Would chestnut look good?’
Ellen took the bait. ‘Maybe more of a golden brown? It’ll brighten your skin.’
‘And will you do mine too, honey?’ Mark said in a high voice. ‘I hear highlights are all the rage again.’
Ellen laughed and elbowed him in the ribs. ‘Shush, you.’
‘And work’s okay?’ Hayley said, trying to keep the focus on Ellen. ‘Still enjoying it?’
‘Love it. Although this week? Completely nuts. I’m so glad my boss gave me the weekend off. I’m knackered.’
‘And you?’ She looked at Mark.
‘Never better,’ he said as he stretched out his arms. ‘I’m living the dream, I am. Selling insurance always was my calling. In fact, I want a T-shirt that says “Insurance agents are premium lovers”.’
Ellen groaned.
Mark laughed. ‘Nah, it’s fine. It pays the bills.’
‘How’s your dad?’ Ellen asked. ‘Any better?’
Hayley shook her head.
‘It’s only been a year,’ Mark said.
‘I know, but …’ Hayley sighed deeply. ‘He’s not improving anymore, you know?’ She shook her head. ‘I’ll never hear him talk again. He’ll never walk properly again …’
Ellen nodded. ‘I can’t even imagine … How’s your mum?’
‘She copes.’
‘Still writing for that greeting card company?’
‘Yep. And each time I see her in a new light. The stuff she comes up with is disgusting.’ A smile returned to Hayley’s lips. ‘It was a caption for a picture of an old, wrinkly, naked couple the other week. Something about saggy boobs looking like testicles.’
Mark almost choked on his drink. ‘Nice.’
As they drank more wine and the evening passed, Hayley mellowed. The weight of her frustrations lessened to that of a double-decker bus, although she knew another five were waiting to drive back onto her shoulders in the morning.
She stayed far longer than she had intended, but Hayley loved the warmth of Mark and Ellen’s place. It was understated with its flat-pack furniture and well-used sofas, small kitchen and dented wooden floors. Hayley always thought of it as inviting and cosy – just how she used to feel about her own home. She’d lived in the flat with Ellen years ago, before she moved out and Mark moved in, and well before Morgan arrived. They’d had some incredible times there and memories lingered in every room. Good memories.
Shortly before midnight Mark played rock, paper, scissors with Ellen to decide who would get up with Morgan. He lost.
‘Don’t worry, darling,’ Ellen said. ‘I’ll make your favourite apple pie as a consolation prize.’
Mark got up, kissed Ellen on the lips and Hayley on the cheek, then he squeezed Hayley’s hand and said, ‘Talk to Rick, he’s a good bloke.’
Ellen refilled their glasses and flopped back down on the sofa.
‘Alright then,’ she said, propping her head up with one arm. ‘Work is shit and Charles is a fuck-head. But what’s really going on with you and Rick?’
Hayley sighed. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I see you two. You’re still so close …’ Ellen kept quiet and Hayley continued. ‘We fight over stupid stuff. We don’t laugh together anymore. And sex, well,’ she shook her head, ‘not for ages and when we do it feels like a routine. Everything’s a routine. I get up, go to work, go home, work some more, go to bed and start all over again the next day. The weeks blend into each other.’ Hayley clicked her tongue. ‘It’s a phase – I’m in a rut and I don’t how to get out of it.’
‘You’ve been through a lot in a very short time, Hayley, even for you. Is there anything we can do to help? Shall we take the kids for a day so you can talk?’
‘No, but thanks. I’ll be okay. Things will get better. They have to. I can’t imagine going on like this.’ They were both silent for a while until Hayley spoke again, more quietly this time. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Always.’
‘Do you … do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn’t married Mark?’
Ellen frowned and sipped her wine. ‘Not really. I mean, he drives me barmy. After twenty years he still tells me to put the cap back on the toothpaste. You’d think the bugger would have given up by now.’ She grinned and shrugged. ‘Anyway, you know what my grandmother always said.’
‘No, what?’
‘I’ve never considered divorce but I’ve often thought of murder.’ They both laughed. ‘I almost murdered him the other night. He was late and his phone was dead. I’d already planned his funeral and chosen my outfit by the time he’d got home.’
Hayley giggled. ‘You didn’t tell him that, did you?’
‘Course I did. He said if I played “My Heart Will Go On” he’d spin in his coffin and haunt me forever.’ She sniffed. ‘So I told him I’d play “Another One Bites the Dust” instead.’
Hayley laughed. ‘See? You two crack me up.’
‘What can I say? He’s the love of my life. Yeah, there’s a certain routine but it’s stable too.’ She paused. ‘So you’re wondering then, are you? What your life would be like?’
‘Yes, sometimes,’ Hayley answered quietly. ‘Often, these days.’ She’d never actually said it out loud before.
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. What if I’d made different choices? Like said yes when Chris proposed? We’d probably have a couple of teenage kids by now, he was so keen. His mum would still hate me.’
‘Yes she would.’ Ellen laughed. ‘The miserable old cow.’
‘Hmm … okay then, what if I’d taken Ian back? I’d be loaded. You and I’d be going on girly weekends to Paris and New York. I’d have more diamond rings and designer kit than Kim Kardashian. Just no sex tape.’
‘Ugh,’ Ellen said. ‘But Ian was a tosser.’
‘True. So what about Matthew? I could have been happy, he was a nice guy.’
‘Yeah, nice. You’d have died of boredom by now,’ Ellen giggled and Hayley burst out laughing.
‘Seriously though,’ Hayley said. ‘Do you know who I wonder about the most?’
Ellen raised an eyebrow and didn’t hesitate. ‘No prizes for guessing. Sean.’
‘Sean,’ Hayley whispered, his name sending a delightful shiver through her body. ‘We’d still be together and we’d be happy. I can’t imagine not being happy with Sean.’ Hayley closed her eyes and conjured up his face, heard his voice with his sexy Irish accent, felt his strong hands holding her, his lips slowly, teasingly, wandering down her stomach towards …
Mmmmh
Ellen coughed loudly.
Hayley opened her eyes and blushed. ‘Don’t look at me like that. I’m not the one planning my husband’s funeral.’ She looked away. ‘I’m not wishing my life away or anything. Honest I’m not. Really. I’m not.’
‘Sure. But you are romanticising your relationship with Sean. You were only together for a bit when the shit hit the fan. You’d never be as happy as you are with Rick.’
‘Was,’ Hayley muttered before she could stop herself.
‘You still love him, don’t you? Surely you don’t regret marrying him. Rick and the kids are the best thing that ever happened to you.’
‘Of course I love him. And the kids. Of course I do.’ Hayley forced a laugh. ‘I’m tired and a bit pissed. And pissed off. Must be the booze talking.’
‘So have you ever tried to find out what happened to them? Your exes, I mean.’
‘God no. What for?’ Hayley said.
Only on Facebook and LinkedIn and Instagram.
There hadn’t been much. Apparently she’d either gone out with blokes who thought social media was the devil incarnate or their privacy settings were so stringent, it would have been easier to break into the Tower of London. She looked at her watch. ‘Two o’clock. How did that happen? I need to get my sorry arse home. I’ll have some water and call a taxi.’
Rick snored gently when Hayley slipped into bed. She lay there for a while, her eyes getting heavier and her breath slowing. As sleep gradually took over her body, her mind continued to wander.
What if?
There was no harm in imagining what her life could be like.
Was there?
It was her way of escaping reality and routine.
Wasn’t it?
Everybody sometimes wondered ‘what if?’
Didn’t they?