‘You should never have taken him back,’ Ellen said, shaking her head. ‘He saw you as a challenge again when you shagged him at the hotel. I wish you’d told him to sod off afterwards. You wouldn’t be in this mess if you had.’
Hayley’s hands shook as she sipped her tea.
‘When you blew me off that night for him, I knew it would get bad again. Then the gifts, the weekends away. You blanked out the way he’d treated you. He –’
‘Bought me,’ Hayley said, matter of fact.
‘Yeah, and then he got you to work for him,’ Ellen said, wiping her hand on her jeans, ‘and you lost all your friends from the office too.’
‘I looked happy in our wedding photo though,’ Hayley said.
Ellen’s tone hardened. ‘Only because you didn’t see what I saw that day.’
‘What?’
‘You know. What I told you a few years ago.’
‘Tell me again.’
Ellen grimaced. ‘Ian and the waiter coming out of the guest room.’
Hayley’s eyes widened. ‘Waiter?’
‘The prick laughed at me when I confronted him,’ Ellen said, and Hayley could tell the details of the exchange were still fresh in her mind. ‘He said you’d never believe me.’
‘He’s gay? Well that explains a few things.’
‘Hang on, I thought you said he was bi?’ Ellen said. ‘Has the drinking affected your … Anyway, I wish I’d had the guts to tell you as soon as I knew. It would have been better than you walking in on his tailor giving him a blow-job.’
‘Oh bloody hell,’ Hayley said.
‘Yeah. For better or worse. My arse.’
‘It’s all for show,’ Hayley said, more to herself than to Ellen. ‘The marriage, the house, everything.’
‘Yup,’ Ellen said. ‘That’s what you get in the conservative business world, I suppose. And yet you still insist everything’s absolutely perfect … A perfect lie more like.’
Hayley puffed out her cheeks and sat back in the sofa. ‘No wonder you hate me.’
‘I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you very much anymore. I don’t even really know you.’
Hayley winced. During all her ‘What if?’ daydreams, not once had she imagined a scenario where the two of them wouldn’t be close. They’d been best friends for so long they knew each other better than anyone – even their partners – and sometimes even themselves.
‘What about you and Mark?’ Hayley said. ‘And why did you get a lizard? What about … what about a baby, Ellen?’
Ellen’s eyes glistened. ‘You know very well we couldn’t afford another round of IVF.’
‘But I could have paid for it.’
Ellen raised her eyebrows. ‘You’ve got some balls. Don’t you remember what you said?’
Hayley shook her head then stopped as another vague memory resurfaced. ‘I think so … I … I said I’d consulted Ian and that he didn’t approve.’ She paused. ‘Didn’t I?’
Ellen nodded. ‘Exactly.’
‘Christ almighty. That’s awful.’
‘Yes,’ Ellen whispered. ‘It’s one of the most hurtful things you’ve ever said. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect a hand-out or think I was owed one. But it was the way you said it. Like … like you were considering a business deal or something.’
‘Oh, Ellen. I’m so sorry. I should have given you the money and told Ian I’d spent it on shoes.’ As if to make a point she kicked her Louboutins with her feet. ‘God knows I’ve got enough of them.’
Ellen half-smiled.
‘And Mum and Dad? Do you ever speak to them?’
‘More than you do, that’s for sure. When you’re on a bender you –’ Ellen stopped talking when Hayley looked down, and Ellen exhaled. ‘Your mum calls me,’ she said quietly. ‘She told me you’ve only seen them once this year.’
Hayley gulped.
‘I don’t know how you can be like that,’ Ellen said. ‘He’s your dad. Sure, you give them money, but you’re hiding from them. From all of us.’ She paused. ‘The drink has made you lonelier you know. I don’t think you have any friends left.’
‘Except for my personal trainer,’ Hayley said, shaking her head. ‘Apparently.’
‘You’re still sleeping with Justin?’ Ellen said. ‘He’s hot.’
‘And … and I’m having an affair with George Fitzpatrick.’
‘The George Fitzpatrick? Ian’s business partner?’ Ellen asked with round eyes, and burst out laughing. ‘Seriously?’
‘Not that I remember it. Thankfully.’
‘Shit, Hayley,’ Ellen said, all laughter gone and her voice urgent. ‘You can’t go on like this.’
Hayley heard the distinct creak of the front door opening and Mark shouted, ‘Is it safe to come in yet? Only my nuts are the size of raisins.’
Ellen looked at Hayley. ‘Yes, come on in,’ she called out.
Hayley got up and reached for her shoes. ‘I’m sorry I let you down.’
‘Just get yourself sorted out, Hayley.’ Ellen patted her arm. ‘And I’m here for you.’
Mark walked into the living room. ‘You two on the road to becoming BFF’s again?’ He looked at them and Ellen nodded. ‘Welcome back.’ Mark hugged Hayley. ‘We’ve missed you.’
‘Me too,’ said Hayley. ‘But I have to get going. It’s time.’
‘Shall I call you a taxi?’ Ellen asked and turned away, but Hayley spotted the tears glistening in her eyes.
As they said their goodbyes Hayley hugged Ellen and didn’t want to let go, but the taxi arrived – her cue to leave.
‘Where to, love?’ asked the driver.
Where to indeed? She couldn’t face her parents without calling them first and besides, she didn’t feel ready. There was only one place she could go.
*
Standing in front of the massive house she took a deep breath, the cold London air filling her lungs. She didn’t want to see Ian but she knew she had to go back inside.
If I’m right, I have to go to sleep where I woke up. But what if I’m wrong? What if?
Hayley didn’t dwell on the thought. She couldn’t even begin to contemplate that this day was anything other a glimpse, a blip. Anything more permanent was too petrifying.
Digging around in her bag she found her keys and unlocked the heavy front door. As soon as she walked into the huge hall, Ian strode out of the dining room, his mobile phone in his hand.
‘Where the fuck have you been? I tried calling you at least twenty times.’
‘I went –’
‘Do you have any idea how stupid you made me look?’
‘I needed to get some air,’ she said. Then she reconsidered. She didn’t need to lie. She shouldn’t lie. He needed to hear the truth, even if he never remembered it, even if this was all a figment of her imagination. At least she’d have the satisfaction of knowing she’d put him where he belonged – in his place. ‘Actually, that’s bullshit,’ she said. ‘I went to see Ellen.’
‘What would you possibly want to see her for?’
She put her bag down on the cold, marble floor. ‘I needed answers, Ian. I needed to understand what’s happened to me.’
‘I think that’s fairly obvious.’ He looked at her, eyes full of contempt.
‘Yup. It certainly is.’ She put a hand up. ‘My name’s Hayley and I’m an alcoholic.’
He drew in a sharp breath. ‘You’re admitting it?’
She laughed. ‘Ian, I woke up this morning flat out on the bathroom floor, next to bottle of booze. I needed a few drinks before lunch time and Ellen filled me in on the rest of my pathetic behaviour.’
‘I can’t believe this,’ Ian said, pacing around the hall. ‘My wife’s officially an alcoholic. At least until now I could pretend you weren’t.’
‘You mean like you pretend you’re straight?’ she shot back at him.
When he turned around she noticed the stiffness in his jaw and she walked past him into the dining room. She sat down at the table. He followed her but remained standing.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said without looking up. ‘I’ll be gone by tomorrow anyway.’
Oh I hope I will be … Please, please, let me get out of here.
‘The hell you will,’ he said, pointing a finger at her. ‘How will I explain that to everyone? No, you’re my wife. You’ll stay here and –’
‘Oh do shut up,’ Hayley said, standing up and almost reaching his full height in her heels. ‘Will you, please. This whole marriage is a sham. We don’t even like each other.’
‘We both agreed to the arrangement and said we’d overlook the infidelities.’
‘Overlook the infidelities?’ she repeated, trying not to laugh.
Ian looked puzzled and Hayley was almost bemused by his expression. He was so used to getting his own way, through charm or force. At one point it had been a quality she’d admired – one she’d even wanted to emulate.
‘Yes, overlook them,’ he said. ‘Mine are discreet but you? The personal trainer? Really? People are talking.’
‘Well if you thought that was bad, Ian,’ she said calmly and deliberately, lining up her heaviest artillery, anticipating the blow, ‘then try this on for size: I’m fucking George Fitzpatrick too.’
His mouth dropped open and he turned bright red. Large veins were pulsating on his forehead. He started grinding his jaw over and over, as if he was furiously chewing on a piece of sour tasting gum. ‘You’re only saying that,’ he said. ‘Even you wouldn’t be that stupid. You’re as concerned about our image as I am.’
‘Apparently not.’ Hayley said. ‘And he can’t get enough of me.’
‘You bitch,’ Ian shouted, pacing the room again, running a hand through his hair. ‘What if Elizabeth finds out? She’ll bloody kill you. How could you do this to our reputation?’
‘Screw our reputation Ian,’ Hayley said. ‘Why not be true to who we are instead?’
‘I can’t stay in this house with you in it,’ he said. ‘I’ll go to New York directly in the morning. We can discuss this when I get back.’
‘Not if I can help it,’ Hayley muttered.
He stared at her. ‘And don’t even think of telling anyone about the latest negotiations,’ he said coolly. ‘Your handiwork is all over them. If I go down, so will you. Remember that, dear.’
Ian left the room before Hayley could ask him what he was talking about, and she listened to his footsteps go upstairs. She sat motionless at the table, playing the day’s events through her mind like a film on a loop, wondering how she could ever have let things get to this point. Reasons, justifications, explanations – they were all paper thin. There was no excuse for who she had let herself become.
Twenty minutes later Ian came back down and left without another word. Hayley got up and explored the main floor. Doing so confirmed what an unhappy and empty life they both must have been leading in the über-designer staged show home.
Hayley’s stomach rumbled loudly and she rummaged around the huge gourmet kitchen, pulling open the deep, rich mahogany cupboards, looking for something to eat. She found some chocolates stashed away at the back and tore into them, groaning as the smooth and milky praliné slipped down her throat.
When she opened the fridge she spotted a bottle of white wine.
Would it matter? I could have all of it. Nobody would ever know.
Disgusted with herself, she quickly poured the wine straight down the sink and helped herself to a large glass of milk instead, trying to ignore the fact that her hands shook and her mind whispered for another gin and tonic.
Or two … or three …
By seven o’clock she felt as if she hadn’t slept in years, and her eyes were burning. Hayley locked the front door and then walked up to the bedroom, and locked that door too, just in case. She looked at the silky nightdress on the bed and then hunted around the walk-in wardrobe until she found a pair of dark blue, cotton pyjamas and a T-shirt that didn’t have a designer label.
She put her palms over her eyes and sat on the edge of the bed, motionless, imagining Rick, Millie and Danny’s faces and felt her heart tighten.
I know I said I wanted to see how things could have been …
She shuddered.
But I never said I wanted to go home. Oh my god.
What if this really was her new reality? Eyes wide once more, she jumped off the bed and paced the room, thinking. She had no friends, hardly any contact with her family, was married to an arse and, according to said arse, was up to her neck in illegal crap.
She shook her head.
I might as well phone Boots Borrello and ask if I can be his cellmate.
She plonked herself back on the bed, her mind racing again wondering what the next day would bring. Then she gasped.
What if I wake up dead tomorrow? Is that even possible? Or as a ghost? Or in a coffin?
Hayley’s heart pounded as she lay down, resting her head on the springy pillow.
Given the circumstances, sleep came surprisingly easily.