‘Sean, it’s Hayley, again. Please call me. I don’t want to leave like this.’
The desperation in Hayley’s messages increased each day in the two weeks leading up to her flight. Three days after he walked out on her, she went to his flat after work and sat by his door.
‘You’re going to have a long wait,’ Big Jim, Sean’s neighbour, told her as he huffed and puffed up the stairs, laden with Tesco’s bags. Hayley jumped up to help and took the two bags that looked like the heaviest from him. He put his hands in the small of his back and winced as he straightened up. ‘Oh, thanks love. These bloody stairs are killers.’
‘What do you mean I’m going to have a long wait?’ Hayley asked as she walked up the remaining stairs in front of Big Jim.
‘Asked me this morning if I could keep an eye out on his place. Said he was going to Carrick. Didn’t say when he’d be back though.’ He looked her up and down and squinted. ‘Did you two have a fight? Only he wasn’t in a grand mood, that’s for sure.’
Hayley quickly made her excuses and left Big Jim to unpack his groceries. Back at her flat she put Jagged Little Pill on a loop and buried her face in a pillow.
*
Her parents, Jackie and Ray, their three boys as well as Ellen and Mark all came to Heathrow to wave her off, giving her last minute Farewell & Good Luck cards.
‘Call us as soon as you land,’ Stan said and squeezed her. ‘I don’t care what time it is.’
‘Come here, you,’ Ellen said, as she grabbed Hayley by the coat lapels and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. ‘You take care of yourself, you hear me?’
The lump in Hayley’s throat felt too huge to allow any words to escape. As she hugged Ellen, she scanned the airport for signs of Sean. She hoped he’d have a last-minute change of heart and imagined him walking towards her, huge dimples in his cheeks from his grin, his arms outstretched and welcoming. She’d run towards him, he’d scoop her up, kiss her and tell her, ‘Baby, of course we’ll work things out.’ But he didn’t, and when Hayley cleared customs and sat alone by the gate, clutching her tickets and her handbag, the tears came.
The captain announced it was clear skies all the way to Chicago and Hayley settled back in her seat, refusing the offer of a newspaper because she couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than five seconds. Her thoughts kept going back to Sean. She knew that what she’d done was horrible, selfish, despicable, and then some. Had she been in his shoes she would have walked out and never looked back too. She’d felt in control of the situation, convinced herself it was for the good of the relationship and not manipulative in the slightest. It was a mess. She pulled out a notepad and a pen from her bag and started to scribble.
Dear Sean,
How are you? Probably a stupid question but I wasn’t sure how to start this letter. I’m sitting on the plane and all I can think of is you. Please believe that I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t tell you at the bar or Mark and Ellen’s party because it was still a secret at work. Then I kept waiting for the right moment to bring it up – which never came, or I ignored it. The longer I left it, the harder it was. I’m such an idiot for not telling you and I wish I had. I promise I wasn’t using you and I’m sorry I hurt you.
Please write back to me. I miss you. We can work this out.
Love, Hayley x
More tears trickled down her cheeks and Hayley felt a shift in her heart as she slotted a couple of bricks into the protective wall around it. She looked at the flight-map on the large screen a few seats ahead of her, and watched the plane inch its way across the Atlantic Ocean. Chicago would allow her plenty of time and distance to forget about Sean.
You’ll cope. You always do. You’ll be fine. No more guys. No more distractions.
She scrunched the letter into a ball and stuffed it into the pocket of the seat in front of her.
*
Two days later Hayley sat at her desk in her new office on East Randolph Street and stared at the picture of Trafalgar Square on her I LONDON calendar. Jackie had given it to her as a leaving present, her way of making sure Hayley wouldn’t forget about home. Her eyes wandered to the dates and she got up for a closer look. Goosebumps appeared all over her arms and she shivered. Her throat tightened as she flicked the pages back and forth and counted the weeks for the fifth time.
Must be all the stress. Yes … it must be.
But then she woke up the next morning and vomited three times in a row and she knew, even before she went to CVS Pharmacy, bought the tests and peed on every single one of them at the office bathroom. When she threw up in the kitchenette sink, Philip, her new boss, gently insisted she take the rest of the day off.
Back in her apartment, Hayley curled up on her bed and called Ellen.
‘I’ve done four tests,’ she said, and her voice trembled. ‘They’re all positive.’ She sobbed loudly. ‘Oh shit, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?’
‘Calm down,’ said Ellen. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes I’m fucking sure,’ Hayley snapped and she heard Ellen exhale loudly.
Hayley gasped. ‘Oh bollocks. Ellen, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have called. You’ve been trying and I … I’d better go.’
‘Stop,’ Ellen said in a tone Hayley had rarely heard her use. ‘Don’t you fucking dare hang up. Let’s take a deep breath, okay?’
‘Okay,’ Hayley said before moaning, ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Enough. You’re my best friend.’ Her voice softened. ‘Now listen to me. We’ll work it out. First of all, what are you going to tell Sean?’
‘Nothing, Ellen, nothing,’ Hayley said without a moment’s hesitation. ‘I haven’t spoken to him since he walked out.’
‘He needs to know.’
‘No,’ Hayley said firmly. ‘He doesn’t. Not yet. God, how can this have happened? We were always careful.’
‘Oh Hayley,’ Ellen said. ‘I’m here for you. We’ll do whatever we can. Maybe I can come over. We’ll manage somehow.’
‘I can’t ask you to do that,’ Hayley said. ‘Listen … I … I really do need to go. I don’t feel well. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?’
‘Hayley,’ Ellen said gently, ‘you don’t have to go through this alone. Stop pretending you can cope with everything.’
‘I’ll be okay,’ Hayley mumbled. ‘Bye.’
She pulled her knees towards her chest and flipped the duvet over her body. The noise of the traffic soothed her and Hayley gratefully slipped into the temporary escape a few hours of sleep offered.
The next week went by in a blur. Hayley told Ellen she hadn’t made a decision. She didn’t have the guts to say she’d discreetly found a reputable abortion clinic, or how long it took her to finally work up the courage and make the call. And even though she’d booked time off work and arranged the schedule with the clinic, she still wasn’t sure she could go through with it.
The day before her appointment – a day that she dreaded more than she’d ever thought possible – Hayley got up from her desk and felt a rush of sticky moistness between her legs. She bolted to the loos, trying not to panic. But then she saw the blood.
At the hospital, a young, soft-spoken doctor called Raj examined her gently. He turned the ultrasound screen so it faced away from Hayley and then put his hand on hers.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he said quietly and shook his head. ‘There’s nothing we can do.’