Sean sat in the living room when she arrived back at the house shortly after half-past nine.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, jumping up and walking towards her. ‘You didn’t answer my calls and I was worried. I just got off the phone with your mum.’
Hayley walked past him to the living room and sat down on the sofa. When he followed her and remained standing in the doorway averting his eyes, she spoke first. ‘What happened to us, Sean?’
He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I … I …’ He took a seat opposite her, elbows on his knees and hands clasped. Hayley thought his face looked full of pain and anxiety, remorse too, perhaps, but she could tell it was also the face of a man who had made up his mind.
‘Honestly?’ he said. ‘We hardly talked about everything that happened. You know, about Tony and … and Ellen.’ He sighed. ‘It was a charade – pretending everything was still normal.’ He paused. ‘But it wasn’t. It isn’t. You’ve been so withdrawn, you hate your job and yet you won’t quit that bloody firm Klingel’s, and I’ve been lonely and –’
‘Is that why you had the affair?’ Hayley said.
Sean’s face fell. ‘Oh shite, Hayley, I’m not blaming you. I’m the one that … who … made that decision.’
Neither of them spoke for a while.
‘I don’t know how to describe it,’ Sean finally said and rubbed his eyes. ‘Sometimes I think we don’t really know each other anymore. There’s a part of your heart that’s off limits, you know?’
Silence descended upon them for a while.
‘I never thought you’d have an affair,’ Hayley finally said. ‘Not in a million years.’
‘Neither did I,’ Sean said, ‘and I’m sorry, really I am. I should have tried harder. I should have fought for us.’
‘I’m sure you tried very hard, Sean,’ Hayley said, ‘I’ve realised I’m very good at keeping people at a distance.’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself.’
‘I’m sorry about everything,’ Hayley said. ‘I’m sorry about the way I treated you, the way you found out about me going to Chicago. It wasn’t right.’
‘I forgave you for that long ago,’ Sean said, waving his hand. ‘Stop apologising, please.’ He looked away.
‘And you love Melanie? You want to be with her?’ Hayley whispered.
Sean closed his eyes. ‘Don’t do this, Hayley, please.’
‘Answer the question.’
He exhaled softly and opened his eyes. ‘Yes. I want to be with her. I’m sorry. She makes me happy. I … I haven’t been happy for a long time.’ He cleared his throat. ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to go out for a bit, okay?’ He stood up and walked to the door, stopping to look back at her, his eyes filled with sadness. ‘I’m sorry, Hayley. I’ll sleep on the sofa tonight, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow.’
As Hayley watched Sean walk out of her life for the second time, she felt the ghost of what could have been finally leave too. All that second guessing and those fantasies about how happy they’d be, happier than she was with Rick. She shuddered. Her and Sean’s inability to talk to each other had delivered the fatal blow to their marriage, and it scared the shit out of her.
Have I pulled so far away from Rick that I’m about to lose him? Have I already lost him?
She wanted to talk to him, needed to hear his voice now. Tomorrow seemed so impossibly far away. An idea popped into Hayley’s head. She let out a cry, jumped up and rushed into the office. Within minutes, the computer hummed and Hayley opened up Google.
She found him instantly. There he was, Rick Cooper, partner of an award-winning web-design company in Chicago. She reached out and gently touched his picture on the screen. Heart thumping and breathless with anticipation, Hayley dialled the number. She didn’t have time to chicken out.
‘Rick Cooper.’
Hayley closed her eyes. Rick.
‘Hi,’ she managed to say. ‘It’s Hayley … uh … Adams.’
‘Hello Hayley, how can I help?’
‘I … I’m calling from a firm in London,’ she said quickly, staring at his photo again, imagining his lips moving as he spoke. ‘We’re looking at … at opening a company in Chicago. We’ll need a local firm to help us with the website.’
‘You’ve come to the right place,’ Rick said. ‘And when you say London, I’m guessing London, England, right?’
‘Right,’ Hayley said. She wished she could reach through the phone and touch his face, feel his skin, kiss him softly.
‘What a coincidence,’ Rick said and laughed quietly. ‘I’m going there in a week.’
‘Really?’ Hayley said. ‘For business?’
‘No a vacation, actually. I’m recently divorced and …’ he stopped and cleared his throat. ‘I don’t know why I just said that.’ He laughed more audibly this time, the warm sound enveloping Hayley like a fuzzy blanket. ‘Anyway … I’m glad you called. I’m not always at the office on a Saturday. Really. I do have a life. I think.’
That made Hayley grin. ‘I’m glad I called too,’ she said.
So very, very glad. I miss you. More than I’ve ever missed you in my entire life.
‘Would you like to meet when I’m over?’ Rick said. ‘I always prefer face-to-face instead of phone or e-mail.’
Hayley beamed. ‘That would be great. And … and perhaps I can show you a few of the sites here? You know, tourist attractions, not websites.’
An audible smile crept into Rick’s voice too. ‘I’d like that, Hayley. Can I send you my contact details so we can arrange something?’
Hayley gave him her e-mail address.
‘Thanks for calling,’ he said. ‘I’m looking forward to meeting you.’
‘Me too,’ Hayley answered and he hung up.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ she whispered and stared at Rick’s picture on the screen, her hands cradling the phone.
After a long time she made her way up to the bedroom and slipped between the sheets, her body exhausted but her thoughts racing, making sleep impossible.
I’ll see Rick, Millie and Danny tomorrow. Tomorrow! I can’t wait.
Tossing and turning, she knew they both had to start taking care of their marriage if it was to survive. As she thought about their relationship, she realised it had been a long time since she’d actually felt she wanted to put in the effort.
I want to put my arms around him, tell him I love him, that I want us to be happy again.
If she was honest, none of her exes had ever measured up to Rick and she’d known it from the beginning. Over the years, she’d let his normal, human quirks morph into what she perceived as shortcomings and failures, and had let them be overpowered by the absolute perfection of her fantasies. Her father was right. Relationships were like houses. And she was finally ready to strap on her tool belt.
Please let me go home … and please, please don’t let it be too late.
She rolled onto her side and closed her eyes tight. Then she clicked her heels together three times.
Just in case.