Hayley stuck with her decision and didn’t tell Sean about the miscarriage. Days turned into weeks and he didn’t write or call, not that Hayley really expected him to – why would he?
‘As far as we know he’s still in London,’ Ellen said during one of their hour-long phone calls that were putting a grizzly bear-sized dent in Hayley’s budget. ‘But he stopped playing squash with Mark and we haven’t seen him at Mulligan’s. It’s like he dropped off the face of the earth.’ She lowered her voice. ‘Mark’s still pissed off with you for what happened, but he’ll get over it. So how are you? And I mean really, no bullshit.’
‘I’m okay, Ellen, honest,’ Hayley said, plastering on a smile as fake as a three pound coin, and equally clumsy. ‘I’m fine.’ She didn’t want to talk about the sadness that crept up her spine and lingered whenever she was alone.
‘I’m not sure I believe you, hon,’ Ellen said quietly. ‘Physically, maybe, but mentally?’
Hayley sighed. ‘I miss him. Maybe I … I … should have told him about the baby. We might be together, you know?’
‘I know, sweetheart. You still could.’
‘No,’ Hayley answered with renewed determination in her voice. ‘He’s been crystal clear about what he wants. It’s time to move on.’
‘I get it,’ Ellen said. ‘Okay, so … tell me about your weekend.’
Hayley smiled as she remembered. ‘Fiona took me to the Chicago Jazz Festival at Grant Park. It was the twentieth one, apparently, and bloody brilliant.’
‘Sounds exotic,’ Ellen said. ‘Who did you see?’
‘Andy Bey and Geraldine De Haas, and that was only Saturday. On Sunday we saw Lou Donaldson.’
Ellen laughed. ‘Never heard of ‘em, but it sounds brilliant. I’m so glad Mark put you in touch.’
‘Me too.’ Hayley sank back into her pillow and cradled the phone with her shoulder. ‘She wants to show me Navy Pier and more of the lakefront tomorrow. Friday I’m going to The Red Lion with some of my colleagues. It’s an English pub. Hurrah!’
‘Well done, old bean,’ said Ellen with a laugh. ‘I’m glad you’re going out again. Listen, I’d better go, it’s almost midnight.’
‘Yeah, this six-hour time difference is rubbish.’ Hayley looked around her unfamiliar flat, wishing she was back in her little, comfortable Hammersmith nest. ‘I miss you.’
‘I miss you too.’
*
As the months passed, Hayley discovered that she loved living in Chicago. The city, smaller and more manageable than London, seemed easy to explore. The lack of old stuff surprised her the most – anything over a century was considered ancient. Even Givins’ Irish Castle, Chicago’s only castle, was tiny but at least it was over a hundred years old.
She lived in a small flat in Wicker Park, close to the subway and a twenty-five minute commute to the office. Her apartment only had a bedroom and a den, but she didn’t need much space. It came fully furnished, so Hayley had added a couple of photographs of her parents, Jackie, Ray and the kids, and Ellen and Mark. It seemed futile to buy stuff she wouldn’t take back home to England.
On her way to the office one morning she stopped at the local Dunkin’ Donuts which, much to her waistline’s chagrin, had the most awesome treats. Her favourite was the Double Chocolate Cake donut (why have single when you can have twice the chocolatey goodness?) and she bought some for the office along with a medium coffee. She’d come to learn that size mattered in America, and Hayley was still getting used to cups and helpings fit for giants.
‘Hi, Philip,’ she waved to her boss as she pushed open the heavy glass office doors. ‘Fancy a donut?’
He touched his stomach and wagged his finger. ‘No Ma’am, not if I’m doing Iron Man next month.’
Hayley grinned. He reminded her of Matthew; fit and sporty. Not bad looking either.
Down, girl!
‘Did you look through the contracts last night?’ she asked. ‘I left them on your desk like you said.’
‘They were perfect, thanks. Although we need to look at a couple of points in more detail. Over coffee? Well, green tea for me, anyway.’ He hesitated. ‘Or dinner?’
‘Coffee,’ Hayley said and grinned again. ‘Coffee’s fine.’
‘Ah, can’t blame a man for trying,’ Philip said. ‘I’ll catch you later.’
Hayley went to her desk and rang Fiona.
‘Paintballing Saturday, you’re coming, yeah?’ Fiona shouted into the phone. ‘Sorry, we’re doing a sound-check before we all sod off to our day jobs and … hang on … Shut the fuck up you noisy fucking lot,’ she shouted, ‘I’m on the fucking phone.’
‘Definitely,’ Hayley said, thinking that Fiona wasn’t the lead singer of Brazen Maiden by accident. ‘Can’t wait. I’ll see you then.’
‘You can help me shoot this fucking useless lot,’ Fiona said, then she laughed and hung up.
*
Hayley made the trip back to London for the holidays, grateful she didn’t have to spend her first Christmas away from her family. She couldn’t stay at her flat because she’d sublet it, so she camped out in her old bedroom at her parents’ house instead.
‘Tell me about Chicago,’ Stan said as they settled down with cups of tea on her first night back. ‘I hope we can come next summer. I’m really looking forward to seeing it. What’s it like?’
‘It’s fun,’ Hayley said. ‘I went to the planetarium last month. Brilliant.’
‘It wasn’t in that seedy place you told us about?’ Karen said, looking up from the table where she sat writing her latest set of dirty birthday cards. Hayley still couldn’t believe how filthy her mother’s sense of humour could be. ‘What did you say it was called, the blip, bloop?’
‘Loop.’ Hayley laughed. ‘Nu-uh. Don’t worry. I’ve got that bit figured out, I know my way around now. Good job too, you don’t want to get lost outside in the winter, that’s for sure.’
‘Is it really that cold, love?’ Stan said.
‘Pah! I tell you what,’ Hayley said, ‘I reckon they’re all half bear. It was freezing at the Christmas tree lighting a few weeks ago but some of them were in bloody T-shirts.’
‘Language, young lady,’ Karen said.
Hayley snorted. ‘Really, Mum?’ She walked over and looked down at the card in front of her mother. ‘You’re writing the caption for a saggy pair of boobs stuck in a birthday cake.’
The next day Hayley stayed with Ellen and Mark. They got a Chinese takeaway and sat on the sofas, stuffing their faces with dim sum and chow mein.
‘God it’s good to see you,’ Ellen said, and squeezed Hayley so hard, she almost cut off her air supply. ‘I’ve missed you so much. I wish I could come and stay, but, well …’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Hayley said. ‘I know the IVF is expensive.’
‘We may not have to pay for it,’ Ellen said. ‘Our next NHS round starts in a few months.’ She tousled Mark’s hair. ‘Right, babe?’
‘Can’t wait,’ Mark said and rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll be living with Doctor Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde again.’
Ellen slapped him on the shoulder.
‘Is it really that bad?’ Hayley asked as she rumpled her nose. She’d heard the mood swing stories but wasn’t sure whether to believe them.
‘Worse,’ Ellen said. ‘One minute I’m biting his head off, the next I want to kiss his feet. But it’ll be worth it. We’ll get there in the end, I know we will.’ She put her arms around Mark and he kissed the top of her head.
‘So what about that guy you met when you went paintballing with Fiona? What was his name again? Bonnie …’ Ellen snapped her fingers.
‘Tyler.’ Hayley laughed. ‘His name was Tyler.’
‘That’s it,’ Ellen said.
‘A very enjoyable one night stand.’ Hayley waved a hand. ‘Not worth talking about.’
‘Didn’t you want to see him again?’ Ellen said, apparently unable to let it go.
Hayley shook her head. ‘Nah. He phoned a few times but I put him off.’
Mark grinned. ‘You ended up on his too complicated to bother with list.’
‘Complicated?’ Hayley asked. ‘Who, me?’ Ellen stifled a laugh.
Later in the evening, when Hayley and Ellen were cleaning up in the kitchen, Hayley heard Mark playing his guitar.
Ellen looked at her. ‘He keeps saying it’s fine if we can’t have kids, but he’s lying.’
‘You don’t know that,’ Hayley said as she dried a plate.
‘Listen to what he’s singing.’
It took Hayley a second to realise he was humming ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ so softly, it made her heart ache too.
*
Before Hayley knew it, another year had passed and she’d returned to London for the holidays, this time for the millennium celebrations.
‘Shit, I’m homesick,’ she said to Ellen as they stood by the Thames and watched the fireworks light up the sky. After eighteen months in Chicago, she’d had enough of baseball and donuts. Well, maybe not the double chocolate ones.
‘Do you think you’ll be coming back soon?’
‘I hope so. The team is up and running. Ronald’s coming over in February. He said he wants to talk about things.’
Ellen hugged her. ‘Oh, that sounds promising. I can’t wait for you to come home.’
‘Me neither.’
Another batch of fireworks went off with a bang, the smell of sulphur filling the air and mixing with the hopes and dreams a new millennium promised.
On the flight back to Chicago she decided she’d better get out and do all the touristy stuff she hadn’t had the time for, and asked Fiona for help. A week later they made a list while scoffing a plate of bangers and mash at The Red Lion.
‘Museums?’ Fiona said before wiping her chin with a napkin. ‘Fancy any of those?’
‘Well, I’ve been to the Field Museum but I haven’t made it to the aquarium yet.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Nope. Or the art one.’
Fiona scribbled them both down. ‘Check. Been up the Sears Tower yet?’
‘Nope again. Told you, I’ve done bugger all.’
‘You’re all work and no play, you are.’ She wrote ‘Sears Tower is a must!’ on the list. ‘You should go to the history museum too, it’s well worth it.’
‘You’ve been?’ Hayley couldn’t imagine Fiona being interested in history. It didn’t suit her piercings and skull tattoos somehow.
‘Yeah, a couple of times.’ She shrugged. ‘I majored in history and I miss old stuff. Anyway, we’re playing in Kenosha in a few weeks. It’s a bit cold this time of year but the city and the beach are still worth the trip.’ She waved her fork at Hayley. ‘You could go to Woodstock.’
‘Woodstock? What, where they had the concert?’
‘No, silly. That’s hours away. I mean Woodstock where they filmed Groundhog Day. You know, with Bill Murray.’
‘I loved that film,’ Hayley said. ‘Imagine reliving the same day over and over until it’s perfect.’
Fiona grinned. ‘I know, especially if you’re with some fit bloke.’ She wrote ‘Woodstock’ on the list. ‘And what about Indiana Dunes?’
Hayley frowned. ‘Indiana Jones? As in Harrison Ford?’
‘Fucking hell.’ Fiona laughed. ‘You really don’t get out much. Indiana Dunes. About an hour east. It’s a park with huge sand dunes, loads of hiking. Really pretty. I’ll go with you if you like. It’s fucking gorgeous.’
‘Sure,’ Hayley laughed, then shook her head as she looked at Fiona. ‘History and hiking. You really are full of surprises.’
Fiona took a swig of her beer and grinned. ‘I’m an onion, me. Full of fucking layers.’
*
When Ronald flew to Chicago for his quarterly meeting with the branch’s management team, he took Hayley out for sushi.
‘We miss you,’ he said and smiled as he picked up another edamame pod. ‘Tony asks me every week when I’m bringing the best solicitor back to London.’
Hayley smiled. ‘I miss you all and London too, very much. Don’t get me wrong, living and working here has been great, but …’
Ronald set down his fork. ‘Then perhaps it’s time for you to come home?’
‘Really?’ She grinned.
He nodded. ‘The look on your face tells me you’re ready.’
Hayley laughed. ‘Is it that obvious?’
Ronald smiled and continued. ‘The team here is thriving, more than thanks to you. So, unless you have the specific desire to stay here for personal reasons, maybe?’ Hayley shook her head and he continued, ‘Then we would be ecstatic if you would move back to London. I’ll speak to Philip later today.’
She wanted to kiss him. ‘What time-frame were you thinking of?’
‘Three months or so? Would that work?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘That would be fantastic.’
Hayley spent the rest of the afternoon with a gigantic smile plastered on her face as she phoned her parents and then Ellen with the news. She was going home.