Allie

 

“Maybe there’s another explanation, Allie,” Jamie says, tucking his phone back into his pocket after answering a text. I feel bad again that I’ve pulled him away from the dance. Maybe there is someone there that he likes and he’s missing his opportunity because he’s babysitting me.

“Like maybe their lips suddenly became magnetized and they couldn’t fight the magnetic pull?” I cross my arms over my chest and dig my heel into the mulch under me where I sit on a swing on the playground.

“No, you nerd.” He rolls his eyes, before lifting his feet off the ground. His swing, which he’d been twisting, twirled fast.

“Doesn’t that make you dizzy?”

“Yes,” he grinned and began twisting the chain again. “That’s not what I meant, though.”

“Seriously, what explanation could there possibly be? They were kissing!”

“I know, I know.” Jamie’s brow lowers again like he is concentrating on a complex math problem. Then he let go, setting his swing twirling again. It was going so fast, I felt sick.

“You have to stop doing that before I throw up.”

He glanced at me, surprised. “Why would it make you throw up?”

“I don’t know, but it’s making me feel sick to watch you.”

“Big baby,” he grumbled, but he didn’t twist the chain up again. Something over my shoulder catches his eye and Jamie frowns before glancing back at me warily.

Oh. No. “Jamie,” my voice is barely a whisper, “who were you texting?”

“Maybe there is another explanation, Allie.” I can’t understand the expression on his face. He looks almost...sad. Sad and apologetic. I know what, or really who, he is looking at. Jamie stands up and his swing wiggles in the air for a moment without his weight to steady it.

“I’m sorry, Al,” he said. “But I think you need to give Connor a chance to explain.”

Shaking my head, I work to steady my trembling limbs.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” he continued. “The guy’s always been so in love with you, it’s almost painful to watch him watch you. Then, when you guys started dating and it was painful to watch in a different way, like he was getting to live the dream we all have, you know? The one where the guy gets the girl, but not just any girl, the girl. And Allie,” he said, taking my hands in his, pulling me up out of my swing to stand in front of him. He cleared his throat before continuing. “Allie, if there was a girl in this world that looked at me the way you look at Connor, I’d never let anything stand in my way.”

Jamie reached out to tuck a strand of my hair that had worked its way loose behind my ear, his lips curling into a smile for just a second before he took a very deliberate step away from me.

 

Connor

 

Heart pounding, I leap out of the car. Allie and Jamie are standing beside a set of swings. Just seeing her, I feel my heart start to settle. Walking toward them, I wish Jamie would take a hike, but I know he won’t. I promised I would let Allie make the decision if she was going to talk to me or not.

I still didn’t know how I’m going to convince her to stay. All I know is there is no way she is leaving this park with Jamie, who is right now touching her hair. The muscles in my jaw are getting quite a workout tonight, between that and grinding my teeth, I’ll be lucky if I can ever eat again.

Jamie must have realized he was two seconds away from never eating again either, because he dropped his hand and backed away. Allie’s shoulders stiffened, but she didn’t turn around. Swallowing hard, I wished again that Jamie would go away.

“Allie.” I reach out to touch her, but stop myself. I don’t know if I can handle it if she flinches away from me. Jamie glances from Allie to me and then back again. Sighing, he starts to step away.

“Jamie, please, don’t go.” It eats at my insides to hear those words come out of her mouth, but I don’t blame her and bite my tongue to keep myself from telling the guy to get lost.

“I will stay here until you tell me it is okay to leave, but I think you should listen to him, Allie.”

Damn. I really, really do not want to like him, but Jamie’s just being too stand up. Well, except for the fact he was touching Allie’s hair earlier and I’m pretty sure she’s wearing his sweatshirt. Jamie watches her expression since she is still facing him, he starts to leave and I hear Allie gasp. I don’t want her to stop him. I also don’t want her to be wearing his clothes, because I plan to have her in my arms again before this night is over and there is no way that’s happening if she’s wrapped in Jamie’s hoodie. Stepping up behind her, I grip the hem of the shirt and yank it over her head. Enter Neanderthal Connor, stage left.

“Thanks, man,” I say, tossing the thing to Jamie. He salutes with two fingers and heads toward his car. I shrug one shoulder out of my suit jacket, then the other before dropping it over Allie’s bare shoulders without even touching her.

 

 Allie

 

Connor drops his jacket, warm from his body, around my shoulders, enveloping me in his scent. And I’m pissed. At myself. How can my body react to him this way after what he did? Why can’t I hate him? Why, as mad as I am, do I feel better knowing he’s here? And seriously, how can I possibly still be able to produce tears?

“Allie. Please. Let me explain,” Connor begs, his fingers brush against the sleeve of his jacket. I shiver.

“Connor, how could you?” I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to hear his excuses. But the words just slip out.

Connor takes advantage of the opening, skirting around so he stands in front of me. I’m wearing my heels but still we are face to chest. Connor growls, frustrated, his eyes scanning the park until they land on a wide balance beam. He grasps my hand, then waits expectantly, like he thinks I’m going to push him away. I’m not. Once he realizes, he leads me to the beam. Gripping my waist, Connor lifts me up and settles me on it. Now we are face to face. His strong hands come up to frame my cheeks.

“Allie, this is too important to me. We should have talked about all of this a long time ago.” I watch as he breathes in, his lungs filling to capacity before he blows the air out slowly. “I love you, Alberta.”

“I-”

“No. Wait. Please. You must know, Allie. You have to know I would never hurt you like that on purpose.” His eyes drop. “She kissed me. She kissed me.” Anger stirs once more in my breast at his words.

“You didn’t have to kiss her back, Connor!”

“I didn’t! Al, I swear, I didn’t.” His fingers bury themselves in my hair at the back of my neck and I feel a few of the pins pull free as he tips my face just a fraction until our eyes meet. “Allie- I know what it looked like. I admit, I was stunned. I couldn’t believe she would do that, especially in front of everyone. In front of you.”

An unladylike snort escapes my lips. “I can.”

Connor frowned. “I pushed her away, Allie. As soon as I recovered from the shock, I pushed her away.” He at least has the grace to appear sheepish. “It only took me so long to come after you because I yelled at her, in front of everyone. I told her we were done, that she and I would never be together.” He sighed, looking down at the ground again. “Then, it took me a minute to figure out you’d left.”

I don’t even know what to think right now. Everything Connor is telling me makes sense and I want to believe him. But- I don’t know what to think or feel, because the truth is, I might have gone to Homecoming as Connor’s date, but I didn’t go as his girlfriend. Not really. And if I’m being honest with myself, my confusion over the true nature of our relationship is what was really at the core of my heartache, the reason seeing him with Kayla hurt so much.

“Connor-”

“I want you to be my girlfriend for real.”

His words cut off mine and I freeze until my brain catches up with my ears. What?

“What?” I ask, my eyes searching his face for clues, for answers.

“I meant what I said, Alberta. I love you.” A million butterflies take flight in my stomach at his words. “And- I’m sorry.” Connor pauses, clearing his throat, before plunging forward. “I’m sorry for being such a coward. For not telling you about my feelings sooner. For suggesting we pretend to be together, when being together for real is exactly what I’ve always wanted. I was just too scared.”

My brain is still trying to catch up, while Connor waits for me to say something. Connor was scared? I open my mouth to say something several times but nothing comes out and I’m afraid I just ended up looking like a fish.

Sighing, Connor pulls me down off the balance beam and leads me to sit on a bench. He sits close beside me, clutching my hands in his. What a roller coaster of a night! But I’m still just trying to get past one fact.

“Connor, you kissed Kayla. While we were on a date.” Forget the fact that our being together was supposed to be fake.

He sighs, his gaze down. “Allie, I know. And I know it doesn’t matter that she caught me off guard. Honestly, if I’d walked up here tonight to see you kissing Jamie, I’d probably be in jail right now, my heart completely shattered along with Jamie’s face.”

 

Connor

 

There. It was almost a smile. Well, more of a twitch of her lips, really. And I wasn’t even kidding about the jail thing. Or the Jamie’s face thing. Or the I love her thing. Because I do and there is no going back to the other side, the line has already been crossed.

“Allie, what happened? Why were you so mad at me?” We have to clear the air. I needed to hear it from her. All of it.

“I-” she starts to answer then closes her mouth. I can see the trepidation in her eyes.

“Please, Al.”

“Well, you know Eden and her dumb plan?” I nod, I did indeed.

“I was getting a lot of attention,” she paused again, embarrassed.

“I noticed,” I tease, nudging her arm.

“Yeah.” Allie turned her head away from me. “I was surprised about that. I mean really all it took was a few new outfits and all the sudden a girl who’s never been asked out is getting asked out a lot.” She sighed. “I talked to Eden about some things and thought some things through.” She took a deep breath before meeting my gaze again. “You’ve been scaring all the guys at school away from me, Connor.”

Whoa. “Al-”

“I was really mad when I realized there was some truth to what Eden said. Like you act like my over-protective older brother or something.”

“Older brother? Allie, I do not-”

“Yeah, I figured that out,” she assured me, her mouth curving up as she rolled her eyes. “But there was more to it, Connor. People thought there was something going on with us even though you’ve had girlfriends.” Her expression is pained and I feel like such a jerk.

“Allie, I never…” I let my voice trail off, not knowing what to say.

“I know, Connor. But it still sucked. Here I thought no one liked me because I was ugly or horrible and instead I find out that my best friend, who’s had more girlfriends than I can count, has been scaring off every guy in a ten-mile radius!”

“Twenty.”

“Connor! It’s not funny.”

“I know, Allie. I swear I didn’t mean to.” Sheesh. This is hard. How to explain something I don’t really understand myself? I never meant to scare guys away from Allie, at least, not consciously. I think I was more a matter of everyone knowing how I felt about Allie before I was willing to admit it, even to myself. “I’m sorry.” I picked at a loose thread on my shirt. “Why’d you forgive me?”

It took a while for her to answer.

“I can’t live without you, Connor,” her voice is just barely a whisper and I struggle to hear her. “I’d rather be friends with you than have any boyfriend right now.”

Friends. And now I’m panicking again, my heart feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice grip. I can’t go back to friends.

“I can’t go back, Allie.” Her eyes raise up sharply to meet mine. I draw in a fortifying breath.

“What?”

“I can’t go back to just friends. I knew I wouldn’t be able to.”

“What? When?”

It’s not a surprising question, but the answer might be. “Since that night I snuck in your window.” Her eyes widen. “You were so mad at me. It put the fear of God in me, Al, when you wouldn’t talk to me. All I could think about was that one day, if I couldn’t convince you to love me, we were going to grow up, move away and I wouldn’t see you every day.” I blow the air in my lungs out in a loud puff. “If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I cannot go for more than a few hours without seeing you, being close to you.”

She’s just watching me and I hate that I have no idea what she is thinking. Maybe she needs more persuasion that I mean what I’m saying.

“I may have realized I couldn’t remain just friends that day, Allie. But that isn’t when I realized I was in love with you.” A quiet gasp escapes her lips. “Allie, I’ve loved you for so long.” My voice breaks. “I’ve loved you forever. When we played house as kids when you were the mom and I was the dad. I’d lay awake at night thinking about the family we would have when we grew up, Allie.” I squeeze her hands in mine, before bringing them up to my lips.

“I hated going to middle school without you. For that entire year, while you were still in elementary school, I felt so lost all day, until I came home. To you.” She’s crying now, but I don’t stop there. She needs to know.

“My freshman year was the same thing. I really don’t know who was more excited for your first day of high school- you or me. I’m betting me. I didn’t know how you felt about me, so I never said anything. It was enough to be able to catch a glimpse of you in the hall or in the cafeteria. Just seeing you settles my world when it’s off kilter.”

“Connor-”

“Remember when I stopped sneaking into your room?” I ask suddenly. Allie blushes, but nods her head.

“Your mom totally knew. I don’t think she ever thought I’d try anything, but she made it clear that I was not allowed to sleep over anymore. She knows how much I love you, she always has.”

“I always felt so bad, Connor. And I missed you. Your parents- I felt like you needed me.” She blushes as she says the last part.

“You have no idea how much I need you, Allie.” I swear I can feel the smolder coming from my own eyes. “But your mom did,” I laugh and she blushes even darker. Plus, she looks like she might not gouge out my eyes if I hug her, so I do. And, thank God, she doesn’t push me away. “I’m sorry, Allie. I’ve just been so afraid.” I scoot her hips closer to mine and pull her in, cradled against my chest.

“Afraid? Why?” she asks, lifting her head up.

“Are you kidding? What if I told you three years ago how badly I wanted to kiss you? How much I loved you?” I shook my head. “If you didn’t feel the same, then what? Losing you- losing our friendship- I couldn’t have survived that life, Allie.”

“I know, Connor. I couldn’t have either.”

There. I can see it now. In her eyes. “Do you love me, Al?”

She hesitates, but only for a second, before nodding. Yes. A piece of my shattered heart finds it’s home back in my chest.

“Say it, Al. Please. I need to hear it.” I know I’m begging, but I do, I need to hear it from her lips.

“I love you, Con-”

My kiss cuts her off before she can finish and that familiar heat overcomes me. It means something different this time. Before, I’d stolen kisses from her like a thief in the night. Perks of our fake arrangement. Now, after professing my own love for her and knowing she feels the same. Uh, let’s just say the secret ingredient to a life altering kiss is love. This kiss is so life altering, I don’t think I will ever stop. Unfortunately, air is necessary for survival, so we finally break apart.

“Allie, I’m so, so sorry I hurt you,” I say, resting my forehead on hers. She surprises me with a smile.

“Wanna know a perk of dating me for real?” she asks.

“Absolutely.”

And with another sweet smile filled with love and blessed forgiveness, Allie steals her own kiss, or maybe I give it to her. Either way, it’s hers. And so am I.