SIXTEEN
Something beautiful.
I don’t dread therapy that Monday afternoon. I get my coffee and walk into the session feeling confident. And for the first time, I actually feel like I’m getting better.
I take a seat across from Dr. Sanchez, taking a sip of my latte.
“Hey, Dr. Sanchez,” I say, smiling at her.
She narrows her eyes. “Are you actually… smiling?”
I laugh. “I know, right? Surprised me too.”
“I knew college would be good for you,” she says.
But she’s not smiling. In fact, she looks kind of serious.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“We need to talk,” she says, sitting forward in her chair.
Uh, oh. Whatever this is, it isn’t good.
I set down my coffee on the table between us.
“Have you been to see Olivia yet?”
I flinch when I hear my best friend’s name. We don’t talk a lot about her because it’s too hard for me to. She’s laying in a hospital room in a coma while I am at college. If things were different, she’d most likely be here with me. UGA was always where she wanted to go to school too.
“No,” I answer.
She knows this.
Dr. Sanchez nods. “This isn’t going to be easy to hear, but they are taking Olivia off life support this week. On Friday.”
Friday.
Five more days.
“Why? How can they do that?”
“She’s eighteen years old,” Dr. Sanchez says. “And her family isn’t interested in keeping her on life support. They want to move on. To grieve.”
“Her dad doesn’t care about her!” I say, raising my voice. Not at Dr. Sanchez, but about the situation in general. I grip the arms of my chair hard. “He never has. Can’t my stepdad do something? Can’t he fund it or something?”
“Your stepfather has been funding Olivia’s medical costs since it first happened,” Dr. Sanchez says. “I thought you knew. But we can’t fight against her parent’s wishes. I only told you so you could go and say goodbye to her.”
Stanley has been paying for her medical costs all this time?
How did I not know?
I’ve treated my stepfather awfully. And I’ve never even had a reason to not like him. I just… haven’t. Hearing this makes me feel so guilty.
“I have to go home,” I tell Dr. Sanchez. “I have to go see her. And I have to apologize to Stanley.”
She nods. “I understand. Don’t go alone, though. Take Scott. Or one of your new friends.”
I start to stand up, but then turn to her again. “Hey, I just… thank you… for the pen pal thing. I found out this week that Scott was my pen pal. And honestly, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You know, since the incident.”
“You’re welcome,” she says, grinning at me.
“And I’m sorry I’ve been so rude to you.”
“Don’t apologize. You were in denial. And then you were pissed. It’s all part of the grieving process,” she says.
“What’s the next step?” I ask.
“Well, you’ve been through most of it. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression. The last step is acceptance. Once you accept it, things will get better. It’ll never be perfect. What happened changed you. But you can take something ugly and turn it into something beautiful.”
She’s right.
I know she is.
But I can’t think about that right now. Right now, I have to get to Atlanta. I have to go see Olivia. And I have to see Stanley. I have to apologize to him for the way I’ve treated him.
I pull out my phone and dial Scott’s number. It rings four times before he picks up.
“Hello,” he answers.
“Where are you?”
“You kind of interrupted me in class,” he says.
“I need to go to Atlanta. Will you come with me?”
“Yeah. Meet me at my dorm in thirty minutes,” he says.
“Okay, thanks,” I say.
“What’s wrong?”
Tears fill my eyes when he asks. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
I hang up because I don’t want to tell him over the phone. This is something I need to tell him in person.
Olivia and Scott weren’t close, but they were definitely friends. We all were. And Scott lost all his friends that day too. And his girlfriend, who he was in love with. He might not have been there to see it, but he’s been through a lot too.
After that day, nobody at my school was ever the same. School was always a safe space. But that changed everything. I went back to school one day—the first day of my senior year. I left within thirty minutes and my mom had Stanley hire me a tutor. I couldn’t be in that place anymore.
I go back to my dorm and grab a few things that I know I will need. I have clothes and other stuff at the house, so I won’t need any of that. I also write a note for my roommate, letting her know that I’ll be gone.
Cam.
I should text him.
As I walk to Scott’s dorm, I send him a quick message so he won’t be worried.
ME: Hey. Scott and I have to go to Atlanta for a few days. See you when we get back!
He texts back immediately.
CAM: What’s wrong?
I don’t answer him because I can’t. Not right now. I’m still trying to process what’s happening myself. Instead, I keep walking until I end up in Scott’s room. He’s on the phone when I walk in, but he gets off when he sees me.
“She’s here, so I’ve got to go,” he says, hanging up his phone.
I don’t say anything. I just walk over to him. He wraps his arms around me and I start crying. Not just crying. I’m sobbing.
All my friends died that day in the school shooting, but when their funerals were going on, I was in a mental institution. I’ve never truly mourned any of their deaths. Olivia is about to be taken off life support. But really, she’s been dead for a while. And it feels like I’m not just mourning her, but all of my friends.
“What is wrong?” Scott asks me. “You’re scaring me.”
I pull back from him and wipe under my eyes. “Dr. Sanchez told me that they’re talking Olivia off life support. I have to go see her. I have to say goodbye.”
“Okay. We will go,” he says.
“I also have to talk to Stanley,” I say.
He looks at me, an eyebrow raised.
“I learned the only reason she’s lived this long is because your dad has been paying for her hospital bills,” I say. “I just need to apologize for how I’ve treated him and tell him thank you.”
“He would do anything for you. In fact, I think he likes you more than he likes me,” Scott says.
“That’s not true,” I say.
Because I know Stanley loves Scott. It's impossible not to. And it's also the reason he has been so lenient on Scott for the past year and a half.
“Are we ready to go?” I ask.
“Not yet,” Scott answers. “Your boyfriend decided he wants to come too.”
“My boyfriend?”
“Camden.”
“Cam isn't my boyfriend,” I say.
“Little sis, are you forgetting all the emails you sent me gushing about how hot Cam is?”
My face grows warm. “Shut up. I didn't know it was you then.”
“Still. You like him. I can tell,” Scott says. “And he likes you.”
“It's hard to tell if he likes me,” I say. “Sometimes I think so, but other times it doesn't seem like it. I mean, he wants me to go to his house in a couple weeks for some family thing.”
“A guy doesn't ask a girl to go to family gatherings if he's not in love with her.”
“Love? We're not even dating!”
“I would never have a girl meet you unless I loved her,” Scott says.
“Is that your subtle way of telling me you have a girlfriend?”
“No,” he answers. “I'm just saying, I wouldn't let just anybody around you. And he has a sister. Giggi or whatever. I'm sure he's protective of her.”
I guess what he's saying makes sense. “But the way he acts sometimes… it's like he knows that I'm a bad idea or something.”
“A bad idea?”
“You know. I'm pretty much as screwed up and damaged as they come,” I say.
“Never say that about yourself,” Scott says. “You had something bad happen to you, but the guy who wins your heart will see that nobody in the world is more special than you.”
Me? Special?
“Remember that time when I had strep throat and you pretended to be sick the whole week just so we could hang out and watch movies together?” he asks. “Oh, and the time you literally walked two miles in the rain to get to Kelsey’s house because you heard that she was going to dump me…”
“I knew you would be heart broken and I didn't want you to be alone after,” I say.
“I was fourteen. It's not like I was in love,” he says. “You cried more than I did.”
“Because you liked her and I knew she hurt you,” I say.
“See? Special,” Scott says.
“Anybody would do that for their brother,” I say. “And I'd do it all again.”
He smiles at me. “I have missed you so much. More than you know.”
“Me too.”
There is a knock on Scott’s dorm room. Cam, of course. Despite me not knowing exactly what our relationship is, I'm glad he's coming. Above all, he's become my friend. And I need all the support I can get this week.
Cam walks into the dorm and his eyes scan me.
“I'm okay,” I tell him, answering the question that he hasn't spoken yet. “I promise.”
“Then why have you been crying?” Cam asks.
I look at Scott, hoping he can tell Cam. I'm not sure I can say the words again.
“They're taking Isla’s best friend, Olivia, off life support,” Scott tells Camden. “Basically, she's going to die. And we're going to Atlanta so Isla can say goodbye.”
“I haven't gone to see her yet,” I say. “I am a terrible friend, but I couldn't. And I thought I would have more time. Ready or not, it has to be now.”
“Oh. She’s not going to make it?” Cam asks.
Camden looks sick. Like he’s the one who is about to go and say goodbye to his friend.
“No. There is too much damage,” I say. “From what I understand, she still has a bullet lodged into her skull. They weren’t able to get it out. The only thing they’ve been able to do is keep the swelling down and keep her alive by machines. But she’s not really living. I’m not ready to say goodbye, but I know it’s time.”
“I’m so sorry,” Cam says, walking over to me and giving me a hug.
It’s so different hugging him than hugging Scott. I mean, it’s comfortable. And it feels good. But it’s… more. What more? I’m not sure.
Apparently Scott finds the whole situation awkward, because he clears his throat loudly.
“We should get going,” Scott says.