EIGHTEEN
Goodbye.
I am sitting in Scott’s car, trying to get the nerve to actually get out of the car.
Scott and Cam are both remaining quiet. Actually, neither of them have said a word since we left the house earlier. They must be able to tell how nervous I am.
No, nervous is too tame of a word. I’m terrified. Absolutely and utterly terrified.
Today, I am going to see Olivia for the first time in a year and a half. I haven’t seen her since three days after she got shot—the day she went into the hospital.
After the incident, after spending three days being interrogated by the police and trying to hide from reporters, I finally got to go see her. Nobody had told me how she was doing. And when I showed up at the hospital, she looked horrible. Her face was swollen and bruised. She had all kinds of machines hooked up to her and there was a tube down her throat. But I thought she would be okay. When I heard that she was most likely never going to wake up—that is when I lost it. That was the day I got admitted to inpatient psychiatric care. And today, I’m worried that when I see her, I will break down again.
That day was… strange. I was on the verge of breaking down anyway. It would’ve happened eventually. I think the fact that she was alive, another survivor, held me together. But today, I am not the same girl. I’m not that weak anymore. In fact, I am stronger because of what happened to me.
I take a deep breath. “Okay, I’m ready.”
I reach for the door handle and get out. Scott and Cam both come too and I’m glad that they’re here. It’s nice to have people who care about me.
We walk into the hospital, none of us saying a word. I thought this whole thing was going to be harder… obviously I haven’t seen Olivia yet, but the walking to see her. I’ve been putting this off for so long and honestly, if they weren’t taking her off life support this week, I’d put it off longer. But even I have to realize it’s time. It’s past time. Something bad happened. And it sucked. But I can’t keep living in the past. I don’t want to be in my little, depressed bubble all by myself anymore.
They allow two people in the room at a time, but I don’t want Scott or Cam in there. This is something that I want to do alone. The nurse leads me to the room and I am terrified as she opens the door.
Inside, Olivia is laying on the hospital bed. Her eyes are closed and there are machines making loud noises. There aren’t anymore tubes down her throat, but there are a lot of wires that she’s hooked up to.
She still looks like her. She’s still Olivia—the beautiful girl that I knew when we were growing up. But this is just her body. And right now, I have to tell her goodbye.
“You’ve got ten minutes,” the nurse says.
I nod to her and watch as she closes the door. I take a deep breath before walking closer to the bed.
“Hey, Olivia,” I say as I come to a stop right beside her bed. “It’s been a while.”
I pause, as if I’m waiting for her to respond. If she was awake and I hadn’t talked to her in a year and a half, I know she’d be giving me an ear full right about now.
“I’m sorry that I haven’t come to visit you,” I tell her. “I could give you a long list of excuses, but the truth is I was scared. You were my best friend and seeing you here… well, it sucks.
“I started college. You’ll be sad to know that I didn’t try out for the cheerleading squad. But then again, cheering for the Bulldogs was always your dream. But I have gone to a few games with my friends.
“Friends. That’s such a weird thing to say. I have friends again. Well… three friends, but still.
“Micah is the first person I met on campus. He is the nerdiest guy ever, but I like him. We get along really well and he hasn’t run away even though I’m kind of crazy.
“Then there is Zoe. She’s my roommate, so she’s kind of forced to be my friend,” I say. “Well, I guess she isn’t forced, but I don’t think we’d be friends if we weren’t roommates. We’re completely opposite. But maybe I was always meant to find her. She kind of reminds me of you sometimes.
“My other friend is Cam. And I’m not sure if he’s a friend or not. I mean, he’s a friend. But he’s kind of more? I think. I don’t know. You were always better at this whole guy thing. I wish you were awake now so I could get some advice.”
I clear my throat, trying not to cry. I don’t want to cry today.
“I miss you too. A lot. And it sucks that this happened to you,” I say. “You don’t deserve it. Neither did Kelsey or Matt or any of our other friends. You guys were too young and it wasn’t fair. But, like my shrink has told me many times when I’m whining about how unfair it is, life isn’t always fair. The person you are is determined by how you deal with the bad situations that life throws you. Am I a good person? That’s to be determined. But you should know, I strive everyday to be good because of you.”
I wipe a few tears from under my eyes.
“I just came to tell you that I love you and that I miss you. Thanks for being my best friend,” I say. “Goodbye, Olivia.”
I look at her one last time before turning to walk out of the hospital room. I don’t feel good, far from it in fact, but I do feel a lot lighter. I’ve been needing to do that for about a year and a half now. And I’m glad that I finally took the chance and did it.
Scott and Cam are waiting just outside the exit of the ICU. Scott doesn’t say a word when he sees me. He just pulls me in for a hug and I hug him tightly back.
How did I ever go a year and a half without my brother?
“I’m okay,” I tell him, as well pull back. I look at Cam. “I promise I’m okay.”
Cam gives me a hug too.
“So everything is… good?” Scott asks.
I nod. “I mean, it would be better if I was coming here because she had woken up, but I’ve accepted it. And I’m ready to now continue with my next chapter in life.”
“How very adult of you,” he says.
I laugh.
“So there isn’t a chance your friend could wake up?” Cam asks.
I shake my head. “She is brain dead. When she was shot, her brain swelled a lot and there hasn’t been any brain activity since she came in. I was holding out hope, but knew only a miracle could save her.”
He nods, but he looks like he’s about to cry.
Cam is such a sweet guy. Through me telling him about the school shooting and being open with him about everything, he has been so caring. I mean, even Micah tenses up when I talk about it, but not Cam.
Maybe Camden has gone through something horrible in his life too. It’s possible that something happened and he can relate. But I won’t know until he’s ready to open up to me about it. I will be patient, because I know it took me a long time to get to this point.
We all walk out of the hospital together; I can’t help the sense of relief.
I did it. I faced my fear and I overcame it.