TWENTY-THREE
I am going to live.
Nobody wants to go to two funerals in less than a month, yet here I am. But today, I am not saying goodbye to all of my friends like I did at Olivia’s funeral. Today, I am saying goodbye to my dad.
I have spent many years hating this man for abandoning me. And I do feel guilty for that, but I’m not overwhelmed by it. I can forgive myself because I truly thought he had left without a word. Knowing that he was murdered… well, it actually helps me feel better. My dad didn’t leave because he hated me. Just knowing that brings me such peace.
Micah, Marissa and Zoey came with Scott and me to Atlanta for the funeral. I know it’s weird for them to be at a funeral for somebody they don’t know, but I appreciate them coming. I needed the support.
I’ve talked to Dr. Sanchez a lot this week. She gave me a two hour long session so we could talk about my dad. I cried during our session, which isn’t something I’ve ever done. But I felt so much better afterwards. And I feel better now. Even though I am looking at a casket that is holding my father’s remains… I’m okay. I’m really okay.
I have survived a lot in my life. I’ve survived horrible tragedies and heartbreak—far more than any eighteen-year-old should ever have to face. Yet these things have made me who I am today. Do I wish they had never happened? Absolutely. But they did. And nothing will ever change that. All I can do is face forward. I can keep living. Keep breathing. Keep surviving. Because that is what I am supposed to do.
My mom is okay. She cried the day I came home, but I think she just did because she was worried about me. Mom and Dad never got along well. They always fought. She loved him though, and I think part of her was relieved that he hadn’t just left. He was coming home that day. And he would’ve made it home if it hadn’t been for the selfish act of another person.
After the funeral… after we say our goodbyes… everybody comes back to our house. From what I’ve seen, it’s tradition to hangout with the family after a death. And I like it. It’s nice to have everybody close to get my mind off of everything. It’s nice to smile and laugh after something so horrible happens.
Life goes on.
It sounds horrible, but it’s the truth.
I’m still alive. I’m still breathing. So I have to continue on in this journey. I can’t be depressed or sad anymore. I’m tired of living like that. So I’m going to take this one day at a time. And I am going to live.
It sounds silly to say that a funeral was beautiful or perfect, but my father’s funeral was. The only thing missing was Cam. I wish he had been here. I miss him. It’s been three weeks since he’s talked to me and I get that he needs space. I just wish things were different.
“You doing okay?” Micah asks me.
I nod. “Yeah. Actually, I am.”
“If I were you, I’d be a mess,” he says.
“I thought I would be,” I say. “But strangely enough, I feel free. And happy. Obviously, I wish my dad were still alive, but knowing this… it’s so much better than just thinking he didn’t love me. At least now I can let go of my anger and hatred that I’ve been carrying around for him.”
“How are you so mature?” Micah asks.
I smile. “You and Marissa are really cute together.”
I want to change the subject because I honestly just want to talk about something happier. Everybody keeps asking how I’m doing, which seems to be all anybody has wondered over the past couple years and I just want to move past tragedy. I want to move past being the sad girl. And I know that this is what my dad would want too.
“I really like her. Maybe even love her,” he says. “I haven’t told her that yet. I mean, it’s too soon. But I can really see a future with her, which is crazy. I’m only eighteen.”
“Age doesn’t matter,” I say.
“Yeah, but you’re eighteen in number, but like, thirty, in maturity.”
“Whatever,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“It’s true. You’re mature,” he says. “And maybe that’s why I like you so much.”
“You’re mature too,” I say. “I mean, more so than a lot of people I’ve met at college.”
“Well, I’ve already done the whole be at school away from your parents thing,” he says. “I was at boarding school and basically saw my family on holidays and summers.”
“I can’t imagine going to boarding school,” I say. “I really like my freedom. I feel like being in a school like that would be… kind of smothering.”
“It wasn’t a super strict school,” he says. “Basically, my school was for really rich kids whose parents didn’t feel like raising them. There were a few super smart kids too. But we always snuck out after curfew. The school didn’t care as long as we got accepted into an Ivy League school.”
“UGA isn’t Ivy League,” I say.
“True,” Micah says. “My grandpa went here a long time ago… long before my family was rich. My dad went to Harvard. I knew that UGA was the only non-Ivy League school my dad would allow me to come to. So thanks, Grandpa.”
“My parents met at UGA,” I say. “My dad took me to a few Bulldog games and we always watched them on TV together. My parents didn’t graduate because they had me before they could. But I still wanted to come here. I know this sounds weird, but I thought my dad had abandoned me. And I thought maybe if he heard I was going to UGA that he would be proud of me.”
“He would be so proud of you,” he says. “I didn’t get the chance to know him, but I know he would be proud of the person you’ve become. How could he not?”
“Thank you,” I say.
Micah Stevens is a true friend. The kind of friend that I will have long after I graduate college. The kind of friend who I will force to come to my house for dinner on the weekends. And our kids will be friends someday. Maybe he will even be the godfather of my children.
Dr. Sanchez was right… college is good for me.
“Have you spoke to Camden any at all?” Micah asks.
“No,” I answer. “His phone keeps going straight to voicemail and he’s not in his dorm room. I’m honestly not even sure he’s on campus. I just… wish he would talk to me. What he had to tell me… about Derek being his brother… that had to be hard for him and I want to tell him that it’s okay. It doesn’t matter who his brother is.”
“Would you have felt that way if you knew who he was the night you met him?”
“No,” I answer. “I honestly wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“But, he’s become my friend. Maybe even more, I don’t know. I have feelings for him. And I don’t care who his brother is. I just want him in my life. I want him to know that it’s okay,” I say. “I just wish I could talk to him.”
“He’s always been so protective of you,” Micah says. “I’m surprised he has stayed gone for so long. But I know he’ll be back. That boy is in love with you.”
I doubt that.
That he’s in love with me.
No.
No way.
He couldn’t be.
“Scott is really mad at him,” I say. “For not talking to me. And maybe I should be too, but I kind of get it. What he told me had to of been hard to say, you know? But I also feel like he is one of the few people that can understand what I am going through. I want to talk to him.”
“I’m mad at him too,” Micah says.
“I know this is weird, but in an odd way, Camden reminds me of Derek. Not the murderer, Derek. I am talking about the Derek that was my friend,” I say. “I want to be friends with Cam. I miss him so much. And I just need him to know that it doesn’t matter what Derek did. Cam is not Derek. And I just want to see him.”
“He will come back.”
I hope so.
I really, really do.
My mom walks over to where Micah and I are sitting. When she does, Micah excuses himself and my mom takes a seat beside me.
She’s a lot better today. She’s sad, as anybody would be, but she is a strong woman. I know she’s going to be okay.
“Are you okay?” Mom asks me.
“I’m fine, Mom. I promise,” I say. “I am probably better than I should be, considering.”
“I know. Me too,” she says. “I hated him for leaving… for abandoning you. And me. I was young and suddenly a single mom. If only I had known… but it doesn’t matter now.”
“I’m glad that we know,” I say. “I am glad I can finally stop hating him.”
“Me too,” she says. “I love your father a lot. I truly did.”
“I know,” I say. “And I also know that you love Stanley. I’m glad that you’re happy. Stanley is a great man and I’m glad he’s my stepdad. I am only sorry that I gave you such a hard time when you got married to him.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Mom says, smiling at me. “I knew that someday Stanley would become a second father to you. We were both relieved when you and Scott hit it off so well. You two instantly became best friends.”
“He is still my best friend,” I say.
“I know that I am not the best mother,” she says. “But I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“If you need to talk, I’m here.”
“I know.”
And I do know.
My mom is a good mom and I wouldn’t change her for anything.