TWENTY-ONE
Stupid pink car.
There are moments in life when you can look back and say—that day changed my life. For some people, it’s good days that change their life—graduating high school, starting college, getting married. For other, it’s horrible tragedies.
Me, I didn’t have a high school graduation. I was homeschooled for my senior year and refused to walk with my class. I knew what people would say if I walked with them.
There is Isla.
The only survivor.
They would speculate on how I was doing. They’d say I looked good… maybe even happy. Or maybe they’d talk about how pale I am and how much weight I’ve lost. Maybe they’d talk about how I’m depressed.
So, I had them mail my diploma to me. The day that I should’ve been walking with my class, I spend that time at home, eating pizza and watching reality TV.
The day that Derek Miller shot and killed all of my friends in front of me changed my life. I truly thought that day that I was going to die. And I have never admitted this to anybody before, but when Derek turned the gun on himself, I felt relief. Relief because I wasn’t ready to die. I hadn’t even gotten to live yet. And I knew that since he was dead, he couldn’t hurt me.
It’s weird, when somebody you trust does something to betray that trust. And it wasn’t like I invited him to go somewhere and he ditched me. It wasn’t that kind of betrayal. It was him murdering all of my friends. Before that day, if you asked me, I would’ve said that I trusted him with my life.
I watched the news reports. I read the articles. I saw everything my classmates said about Derek Miller.
Quiet kid.
He was bullied.
He was always kind of weird.
But me, I didn’t see that. I saw a friend. A true friend. And never in a million years would I have ever thought he was capable of something so cruel.
It has been two weeks since I’ve talked to Camden.
Camden Miller.
It’s weird. I didn’t know his last name for the longest time and it just didn’t matter. He was my best friend—Cam. It was something that I would forget to even ask when we were together.
I should have known that Cam was Derek’s brother. The two of them, they look so much alike. They have the same color of blue eyes. The same killer smile. They even laugh the same. And yet, I didn’t connect the dots. I was comfortable around Camden.
I woke up in the hospital in Savannah, Georgia two weeks ago. Cam’s sister, Giggi, was there. So were his grandparents. But Camden wasn’t there. And I get it. He was scared. I was too. And I did need some time to process everything. But now, I just miss him.
I miss my best friend.
I miss our carefree talks.
I’ve tried calling him, but he won’t answer. I’ve tried showing up at his dorm, but he’s not there. I don’t think he’s even on campus. I just want to tell him that I don’t blame him for what his brother did. I want to tell him that it doesn’t matter. But I can’t even do that.
Maybe he thinks I hate him. Or maybe he wants me to hate him. I don’t know what’s going through his head. But I do know he’s one of the only people on the planet that can relate to how I feel, and I’d like to talk to him.
It’s Friday today and Scott and I are going home for the weekend. Mom called and said she has some sort of special dinner planned. Whatever it is, I just hope it’s not vegan food. But she insisted we come home and so, we are.
“How are you?” Scott asks, once we are in his car.
His dad got him a new car. Of course. It’s really nice. And also, not pink, so I’m jealous.
“I’m okay,” I answer.
Micah, Scott and Zoey have all been hanging out with me, trying to cheer me up because of the whole Camden abandoning me thing. Scott was really mad when he heard about it, but oddly, I’m not. I just miss him and wish more than anything that he’d call me and let me know he’s okay. I want to hear his voice.
“Has Camden called you or anything?” he asks.
“No,” I answer, sighing. “I wish he would. I just… hate the way I reacted to what he told me. I wish I could go back to that moment and…”
“Not pass out because you heard some life changing news regarding the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?” he finishes.
“Yeah… kind of.”
“You couldn’t control that,” Scott says. “You reacted normally. Even Dr. Sanchez said so.”
Dr. Sanchez says that sometimes things happen that we can’t process, so our bodies will literally shut down. Obviously, Camden dropped a bombshell and I was shocked. But I wish I hadn’t reacted that way. I want to take it back. I want to just tell Camden that it’s okay. I still want to be his friend. It doesn’t matter who his brother is.
“I just miss him,” I say.
“You realize that is crazy, right?” Scott asks. “After what his brother did to you, how can you even stand to look at him?”
“It was his brother, not him,” I say. “What happened was out of his control.”
“Still…”
“Cam is my friend—the best friend I’ve ever had, besides you,” I say. “But you have to love me because you’re family.”
Scott grins. “I do love you. Which is why I don’t like this whole situation. I want to protect you from it. You’re my little sister.”
“Scott, you’re barely older,” I say.
“I’m older enough that it counts,” he says. “And even if I was younger, I would want to protect you. You’re my sister in all the ways that count, okay? You’re more of a family than anybody I am biologically related to. If it wasn’t for you… I wouldn’t have made it through the last two years.”
“Me either,” I say, looking down at my hands. My eyes are filling with tears and I’m trying not to cry. “Just the hope of you and me talking again and being a family… it was enough to keep going. And you… loner guy… what would I have done without those emails? They were what got me out of bed every single day. They made me excited about something again.”
“I’m glad I could help you, even when I was in such a dark place,” he says.
“We were both in a dark place,” I say. “And as much as we hate what happened, that has changed us both. It’s made us stronger. I feel closer to you than ever. So even though we both did some things that we’re not proud of, I wouldn’t take it back.”
“I might take some of it back,” he says.
I look up at him and see that he’s smiling.
“I really miss my Mustang.”
I laugh, because that was a nice car. “Maybe I should’ve forced you to drive my car. I was so jealous. You’d get a new car every six months and I was stuck with my stupid, pink car.”
“I told you that you would regret getting a pink car,” he says.
True, he did tell me that. And I remember wondering how I could ever regret it. Oh, if only I could relive the day I told Mom and Stanley that I wanted a pink car for my sixteenth birthday.
“Words can’t even accurately describe how much I loathe the color pink now,” I say.
“Why do you hate it?” Scott asks. “You’ve never told me.”
I expect to panic. I always panic when somebody asks me this question. And I am honestly surprised when I don’t freak out. My heart doesn’t even spike or anything.
“That day…” I clear my throat. “I was wearing that one pink dress—the one you said made me look like a fairy princess. You used to make fun of me, but it was my favorite. And the dress was covered in blood…” And other things… I clear my throat again. “When I see the color pink, my mind goes back to that moment. I guess it’s like a trigger or whatever.”
“Why haven’t you told your mom and my dad?” Scott asks. “They wouldn’t have made you drive the car if they had known.”
“I know. But I couldn’t bring myself to admit it out loud. I have a hard time talking about what happened. And I’ve never fully told anybody everything that happened. Mainly because I don’t want to relive the moment. I mean, just thinking about it still scares me.”
“I understand,” he says. “But I’ll talk to Dad. I’ll make him get you a new car.”
I smile at him. “I do hate that stupid car.”
He laughs. “Now you just have to admit that I was right.”
“Right about what?”
“That’d you’d regret getting a pink car.”
I laugh. “You were right, I was wrong, all hail Scott Jacobson, Mr. Know It All.”
He grins. “Make fun all you want, but regardless, it doesn’t change the fact that I was right and you were wrong.”
He is right though.
Stupid pink car.