SEVENTEEN
I miss living.
I am not ready to see Olivia just yet. Tomorrow I will. I just… need today to prepare. Plus, we spent two hours in the car and I just need tonight to unwind. And also, talk to Stanley Jacobson.
We go home first. Mom isn’t there. Apparently she decided to spend a week at a spa in Florida, which is kind of good for us. At least we won’t have to eat her nasty vegan food. We all get settled before I ask Scott if he will drive me to Stanley’s office. I know he will be working half the night away and he doesn’t know we’ve come in. I just need to talk to him—sooner rather than later.
When Scott and I arrive at the sky scrapper that Stanley’s office is in, Scott stays in the car and I make my way up all on my own. Security doesn’t stop me, which is a little surprising. I’ve only been inside this building a couple times before, but not since I was about fifteen. Maybe they have pictures of the family? I don’t know. But I’m glad I don’t have to explain. I get on the elevator and ride to the floor that he works on.
Stanley has a secretary—the same one he’s had since before Mom and him ever got married. It’s a guy in his mid twenties and apparently he’s been working here since he was a teenager. I guess Stanley doesn’t promote him because he’s so good at his job, but I think that the secretary probably gets paid a lot of money. Why else would he stick around?
“Isla McAdams. What a pleasant surprise,” his secretary says and I walk up to the desk.
“Josh,” I say. “Hey. It’s been a while.”
“I’ve missed seeing your pretty face around here,” Josh says. “You’ve got to come more often.”
“I’ll try,” I say. “I’m a college student now, so it’s hard to get away.”
“You a Bulldog?”
“You know it,” I say.
“Good girl,” he says. “You here to see Stanley?”
“I am. Is he busy?”
“He is never too busy for you,” Josh says. “Go ahead and head back. I’ll let him know you’re coming.”
“Thanks,” I say.
I take a deep breath before turning to walk towards Stanley’s office. I’m nervous and I don’t even know why. Well, I kind of know why. I’ve never treated Stanley well. Not even after all he’s done for me. And I kind of hate myself for it. I want to make things right.
I hesitantly lift up my hand to knock on his door. But before I can knock, the door swings open.
“Isla, come in,” Stanley says to me.
And so I do.
Stanley’s office looks the same as it did when I was younger. There is a huge fish tank that takes up half of one wall. There is a black, leather couch sitting in front of his desk with a big, white, furry rug. I love that rug. There are a few plants sitting around. And on Stanley’s desk, there is a computer and not a speck of dirt or even clutter. This guy is very organized.
There are also a few pictures on his desk. I’m not sure which pictures because they’re facing the other way, but he used to have a picture of Scott and me in one frame and a picture of my mother in the other.
“Take a seat,” he says, motioning towards the couch.
I do as he says. I still haven’t said a word yet. I think I’m too afraid to speak just yet.
“Is everything okay?” he asks me, taking a seat beside me on the couch.
It’s then that I can see how worried he is. His eyes are wide and his face is pale. I guess I can understand why he’s frightened. I haven’t come to visit him in such a long time and I honestly should be in class right now.
“Yes, everything is fine,” I say. “I mean… no, it’s not fine. I… I just wanted to come and apologize to you.”
“Apologize for what?” he asks.
Apologize for what? Is he seriously asking that right now?
I don't know what it is about what he said, but it makes me break down sobbing.
“I've been so mean to you,” I say, between sobs. “And you don't deserve that. You've been nothing but good to Mom and me.”
He scoots closer and puts his arm around my back. I give him a side hug. It's a little awkward. I don't think I've hugged the guy since the day he married my mom and I only did that because the photographer made us. But awkwardness aside, this is nice.
Stanley Jacobson is the closest to a father I will ever have. My biological father left without saying goodbye. He didn't want me. And here Stanley is, being the nicest guy ever and offering to be my dad, and all I've done is treat him horribly.
“I've always loved you as if you were my own daughter,” Stanley says.
“Thank you,” I say. “I don't deserve you as a dad to me. But you are my dad in all the ways that count. I love you too. I really do.”
“No more crying,” Stanley says, getting up. He grabs a box of tissues from off his desk and holds out the box for me. I take a few tissues.
“Thanks.”
“What really brought this all on?” he asks.
“Dr. Sanchez told me they're taking Olivia off life support,” I say.
Stanley frowns. “They are. I'm sorry. They wanted to take her off for a few months now… since she turned eighteen. I've managed to hold it off, but it's out of my hands now. I did everything that I could.”
“Thank you for doing that,” I say. “And for keeping her alive as long as you did.”
“I didn't realize you knew I was helping.”
“Dr. Sanchez told me. She thought I already knew,” I say. “I didn’t know. If I had… well, I’m just really sorry for treating you so badly.”
“It’s okay,” he says. “Don’t worry about those things. We will start fresh right now. Clean slate.”
“Really? You don’t hate me?”
“I could never hate you, Isla. You’re my child,” he says.
He’s right.
Stanley is my dad.
“I should probably go,” I say. “I left Scott in the car, waiting for me.”
“Scott came too?”
I nod. “He came for moral support. I’m going to go visit Olivia tomorrow so I can tell her goodbye.”
“Good. I’m glad that you and Scott are talking to each other again,” he says.
By that he means talking and not yelling. All we’ve done for the past year is fight. It’s nice to finally put all that behind us and be a family… a real family.
“Me too. I missed him.”
“Maybe over Christmas break we can go somewhere fun, like Key West.”
Key West.
We haven’t been to Key West in forever.
Stanley has a beach home in Key West. He’s had it since before he married my mom, and going to Key West was always a thing we did. Scott and I loved it there. We spent so much time in the water. Anytime we had a break from school, we’d beg to spend every possible second there. I haven’t been there since the incident and suddenly I want to go.
“I would like that,” I say. “I miss the beach.”
I miss… living.
Stanley smiles. “Then we will go.”
And all is forgiven. Which seems kind of crazy. But somehow, we’re going to be a family. A proper family.
…
“How did it go?” Scott asks, when I get back to the car.
“Good. Better than I thought,” I answer. “We’re going to Key West for Christmas.”
“Really?”
Scott grins bigger than I’ve ever seen him smile in a long time. But then again, I guess we haven’t had a whole lot to smile over until lately, have we?
“Do you think your boyfriend will be okay spending two whole weeks away from you?”
I roll my eyes. “I’ve already told you, Cam isn’t my boyfriend.”
Scott pulls out from the parking garage, onto the street. “Then why did he come with us?”
“He was worried about me,” I say. “That’s all.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Do you like him?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Scott answers. “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have let him come with us. Do I want him dating my little sister? No, not really. But I don’t want anybody dating you.”
“Well, good thing I am single,” I say. “And Cam will be fine spending two weeks apart from me during Christmas.”
“You’ll be dating by Christmas.”
“I wish you’d stop saying that,” I say.
“I’m your brother. It’s my job to annoy you,” he says. “I’ve got a year and a half to make up for.”
“Do you think we’ll ever get over what happened?”
“How could we?” Scott asks. “But Dr. Sanchez says we can heal and move on. We have to take it one day at a time, you know?”
“You’ve been seeing Dr. Sanchez?”
“Yeah. I think everybody involved has been seeing her,” he says.
“You were the only reason I didn’t refuse to keep going,” I say.
“Me?”
“Lonerguy,” I clarify. “Now that I know it’s you, it makes so much more sense. But he… you… helped me through everything. I don’t know where I would be without you.”
“I asked Dr. Sanchez to set it up. I couldn’t talk to you. Every time I tried, it ended in us fighting. And after we fought, I would hear you crying in your room,” Scott says. “I had to have some way to talk to you and I thought it would be best that way.”
“I’m sorry for fighting with you.”
“It’s okay,” he says. “I fought right back. We were both hurting and we did and said a lot of things we didn’t mean.”
I nod. “Still, doesn’t make it right.”
Because even though I was hurting, I had no right to treat Scott the way I did.
“Do you still miss her?” I ask.
Her meaning Kelsey.
Kelsey is Scott’s girlfriend that died that day. And when I think about her, I try to think of her as I knew her at school. She was such a cheerful person—always smiling and laughing. But when I see her, I see her lifeless body on the floor, surrounded by a pool of blood. And I hate it.
“Yeah,” he answers. “It’s not like I planned on spending my entire life with her. We always planned on breaking up when it was time to leave for college. So, if she were alive, we wouldn’t even be together now. And it seems so silly. But I think about her all the time. I think about what could have been. It’s going to be hard to date again.”
“You guys were together for two years,” I say. “That’s not something you get over.”
“Yeah, but we were kids. I started dating her when I was fourteen,” he says.
“But you were friends for a long time before that. And even if she was never meant to be your forever, she was still a huge part of your life,” I say.
“I think about the rest of them too,” Scott says. “I always wonder about them. I wonder if Cassie would’ve gotten a cheerleading scholarship or if Amanda would’ve became a doctor or if Matt would’ve even graduated high school.”
I laugh. “Oh, my gosh, right?”
Matt was a complete goofball. He never took his studies seriously. But the teachers all liked him, so he never actually failed. Somehow, he would get extra credit or something in order for him to pass.
“Dr. Sanchez told me before I left that it’s possible for something beautiful to come out of something ugly,” I say. “I want to be something beautiful.”
“Me too,” Scott says.
And we will.
The ugly will always be there. It’s a stain in our lives. But things are better than they were yesterday. I just have to keep on pushing.