Chapter 11

After I turned eighteen my father was pretty much non-existent, I knew it was because he didn’t agree with my life choices. My father had been an active member of VIP since before I was born…can we say hypocrite? Nevertheless, anytime he wanted to meet with me I would make time in my schedule for him. He was the only “man” in my life.

We ate lunch at a café on South Beach.

“How are things going?” he asked with trepidation in his voice.

“Things are amazing,” I answered with none in mine.

“Is your mother looking out for you?”

“My Madam always does. You should know that. I’m sure she’s looked out for you too, given your life choices,” I challenged, staring him in the eyes.

“Lilith-”

“Save it. I know you have always preferred your other children over me. It’s blatantly obvious, it always has been. So let’s not play the doting concerned father, it’s a waste of both our time. Don’t you think?”

“Vivian has always been adamant about the specific role I would play in your life. It was established before I decided to give her what she wanted. It doesn’t change the fact that I am your father; I do love you, and I worry every day about what she has you doing.”

“First off, I’m not a child. I’m twenty-three years old. Second, she doesn’t make me do anything. I love doing what I do, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. And lastly, you should worry about what you’re doing every day…daddy,” I argued with a satisfied smile.

“I didn’t come here to fight with you, Lilith. If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t. I was young and stupid, and regardless of what you think, your mother and I did share something special.”

Now that caught me off guard. “What do you mean?”

“We loved each other, Lilith. I loved your mother very much,” he declared almost knocking me out of my chair.

“That’s a load of bullshit; don’t you think I’m too old for fairytales?”

He looked stunned. “She’s never told you?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I aggressively questioned.

“Jesus…Vivian and I were high school sweethearts. We were married for three years before-”

“You’re lying!” I shouted, standing up and knocking my chair over.

He grabbed my wrist. “Sit and calm down. Why would I lie to you? I have nothing to gain from lying.”

I sat back down with caution.

“Vivian always knew she was going to be a VIP, she knew she would take over it eventually. At first, it was phenomenal; I loved being a part of the lifestyle, Lilith. Your mother is gorgeous, she always has been. But after a while I could only take so much; the parties, the other clients, the drugs, it all got to me. I woke up one morning and I couldn’t live like that anymore. I felt as if I was losing my soul, and I begged your mother to give it all up,” he explained as if he was reliving it all over again.

“By the time I finally said something it was too late. Your mother was in deep. She fell in love with the power and there was nothing left for me. She filed for divorce the day after I gave her an ultimatum. We didn’t talk for several years. After about ten years we ran into each other and she just sucked me back in. I was married with kids and I didn’t care. I’ve always wanted your mother, I still do. She has this hold on me like she has with everyone. She gets off on it.” He paused to take a breath.

“I agreed to give her a child, praying, and hoping that it would somehow change her. That she would take one look at you and be the person that I once knew, but it backfired. She became worse. I swear to you that if I had known that this would have been your future…I would have never gone through with it.”

He sighed. “She used me, Lilith, just like she uses everyone.”

I stared at him, wanting to know more. I needed to know more.

“What kills me the most is that every time I see you, you look more and more like her. It breaks my heart and that’s why I have stayed away from you these last few years. My worst nightmare is that you will become her spitting image, or worse. Power and control is a very fascinating concept, it changes people, and you’re in the heart of it all. There’s a very, very fine line and once you cross it, there’s no turning back. Your mother tasted it and she wanted more, she still does. I have to live with the fact that I was a part of creating you, and now I just have to stand back and watch until you step into the very shoes that she did.” He pulled out his wallet and slapped a few bills on the table.

“I love you. I wish I had done right by you. I can’t change the past any more than I can the future.” He sighed, kissed my forehead, and left.

“Oh, here, this is for you,” said the waitress, pulling me from the twilight zone I was in. She handed me a photograph. I knew where it came from. There was only one person who would have had this, and it made my day so much brighter.

After my father dropped the fucking atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima in my lap, I went straight to the source. I ran on pure adrenaline and emotion. I didn’t take five minutes to contemplate what I had just heard. I got in my car and drove to The Cathouse.

She looked up when I barged into her office.

“Let me call you back,” she said into the phone. “Can I help you?”

“I had lunch with Dad today,” I announced as I walked toward the window to look at the courtyard. I purposely kept my back to her, waiting for her response.

It was the same window that I had stood in numerous times as a child, waiting for my mother to pay attention to me; that was my life back then. My how things have changed.

“Oh really, it’s baffling that he would take time out of his busy schedule to see you. How is good ole Charles?” she inquired, feigning interest.

“Happy…married…in love…you know, how you use to be.” I turned to look at her face that didn’t show any emotion what so ever.

“You know, Madam, you should practice what you preach sometime. It might make you a better person, because from what I hear, you’re one selfish bitch. You should probably work on that unless you’d like to have a seat next to Satan. For some reason I think he probably already has it reserved for you,” I announced.

“Wow, nothing to say. No quick clever rebuttal? Is your mind slowing down in your old age, or is it that you don’t remember the lies that you feed me. Or wait, is it that you never planned on fucking telling me that you were once married!”

She remained speechless.

“And it’s not even the marriage that gets to me, Madam! It’s the fact that you were IN LOVE! The one thing that you have told me all these years is to never fall in love, to never give myself to someone. Love is weakness and I. Do. Not. Show. Weakness! Isn’t that it? I’m supposed to be your motherfucking prodigy and here I find out that my Madam is just another goddamn statistic!” I screamed.

“The big, almighty, powerful, bow down to me Madam is a fake, a phony.”

She crossed her arms and slowly cracked her neck. “Believe it or not, Lilith, I don’t have to explain myself to you or anyone else, and that is the beauty of being in charge. I sit at the throne, people answer to me, I am the one, and until I say so you have nothing to do but to wait in line,” she calmly spewed.

I grabbed the picture and placed it on her desk right in front of her.

“Was it a beautiful wedding? Was it everything you ever dreamt of and wished for? Did you get his and her towels, Madam?”

She picked up the photograph of their wedding day as if it was a disease-infested object and ripped it in half; not giving it one second of recognition, and threw it in the garbage.

“You still don’t get it, Lilith. I don’t give one flying fuck what you think of me. It doesn’t faze me, it doesn’t hurt me, and it most definitely doesn’t change the fact that I own you.” She stood up, grabbed her suit jacket and purse, and walked over to me.

“I have some business that needs my immediate attention. Go home and clean yourself up, you look like shit. You have a date tonight,” she said before kissing the tip of my nose and leaving.

I don’t know how long I stood there contemplating everything that had happened in the last few hours. I should have known that my mother wouldn’t answer or explain anything. That’s not who she was. All my life I wanted to be just like her, I wanted everything that she was, everything that she stood for. It took me almost a quarter of my life to realize that she was a fraud.

I would let her train me, mold me, and teach me everything I needed to know.

But...I would never be like her.

I would be better.

I walked over to the garbage and pulled out the torn photograph. I taped it up, looked at it one more time, and placed it in my back pocket.

My father was right about one thing, power and control does change people, he just forgot to include greed.

In greed we trust.

I proceeded to sit in Madam’s chair, and from that moment, I knew what I wanted.

There is a fine line between loving life and being greedy for it, and I just crossed that line. I would take VIP when I wanted to, not when I was told.

I conquered myself that day, and it was only a matter of time until I would preside over VIP.