Chapter 7

In the weeks that followed, my mother made preparations for my “mini vacation” as she called it. I started to experience pregnancy symptoms and to this day have no idea why women consensually put themselves through that. I loathed being pregnant, all I wanted to do was get high or drunk and I couldn’t do that either.

I was in an auto pilot state of mind.

“This will be over before you know it, darling. Then you will return home good as new, and we can move forward toward your destiny. This is just a speed bump in the road.” She pulled me into a tight embrace.

“Will I see you while I’m there?” I asked, burying my face in her neck.

“Of course, I will come see you as often as I can. I will also be there for the delivery. This will be done and over with before you know it, Lilith, I promise,” she said.

She pulled away, grabbed my face, kissed my forehead, told me she loved me, and sent me on my way.

My mother wasn’t lying when she said The Oasis was a five-star resort, it was the Betty Ford Clinic for expectant teenage mothers. I made friends with some of the girls, but I mostly kept to myself. My mother sent me all sorts of books to keep me entertained and my pregnancy wasn’t bad, just the typical symptoms; at least that’s what the doctors kept telling me.

I turned seventeen when I was five months pregnant. I spent it alone; my mother sent me a gift basket and a card, stating she had to leave the country, and that she would make it up to me on my eighteenth birthday. I only saw my mother three times while I was there, each time she didn’t stay long, and all she talked about were the plans for the future. I tuned her out half of the time, I didn’t know if it was pregnancy hormones, or the fact that I was a fucking teenager, but I couldn’t stand to be around my mother. Let me rephrase that…I couldn’t stand to be around anyone.

I was fucking miserable. My pregnancy might have been good to me, but I got fat, my back hurt all the time, I couldn’t see my feet, and any food that smelled like grease made me nauseous.

Now, here is where you need to pay close attention to my story. On September 9, 1977, I went to bed with horrible back pain, I didn’t sleep an ounce that night and when morning came, I was screaming in pain. The nurses came rushing to my aid.

“Shit…she’s bleeding. I think she’s going into labor. Get the doctor STAT, we need to move her into the delivery room,” the nurse demanded.

“Labor? I’m not due for another six weeks. What’s going on?”

“She’s a minor we need to get her mother here immediately,” she said, ignoring my question.

“What the fuck? Answer me! What is going on?” I yelled.

“Honey, it’s all right. Everything is going to be all right, just trust us to do our jobs. We are going to take you into the delivery room; the baby is coming. But we have it under control. What is your pain level from 1-10, 10 being the worst.”

“Ahh! I don’t know? A fucking 12!”

They moved me onto a stretcher and rushed me into the delivery room.

It felt as though hours had gone by. “I need fucking drugs! Get me the fucking drugs. What the fuck are you waiting for?”

“Honey, calm down,” the nurse said, grabbing my hand.

“You calm the fuck down, is there a baby trying to coming out of your pussy right now? Go fuck yourself and get me the drugs! Oh my God I need drugs… please…”

“You’re too far along. We can’t give you anything.” She brought a cold washcloth to my forehead.

My head jerked back and hit the pillow. “Ahhh! Then what the fuck are you good for? It hurts so bad…it hurts so fucking bad…”

I hadn’t realized the almighty doctor had finally showed up until I felt his hands go up my vagina.

“She’s 9.5 centimeters dilated,” he announced to the room. “You need to start pushing. I need you to push hard.”

I started to push and I felt like I was being ripped open, which I was.

“Ahhh! I can’t push…just have the baby stay in my belly. I don’t care…I don’t care…” I yelled.

“Lilith, I need you to push. You can do this, you need to push,” he urged.

The nurse held my hand the entire time; I leaned forward and pushed with everything I had.

“Fuck. The baby is pushing the placenta out and it’s in pieces, it’s ripped. She’s losing a lot of blood.” He told the nurses, “Check her vitals. Okay, Lilith, keep pushing. You can’t stop pushing, we need to get this baby out quickly, understand?”

I started to feel dizzy and the room started spinning.

“The placenta is out; I see the baby’s head. Stay with us, Lilith, you need to have one last final push,” the doctor coached.

I pushed one last time and I heard a baby whimper.

“It’s a girl. You have a girl,” the nurse said.

“Wait, where are you taking her? I want to see her! I want to see her!” I begged.

I started to shake and it was the last thing I remember before I passed the fuck out.

<>-<>-<>-<>

My eyes began to flutter and I saw my mother’s profile with the doctor facing her. The doctor said something and she turned to look at me. She said one more thing to the doctor and came over to me. I noticed it immediately, her face was flushed and her make-up was smeared. I know she would deny it till the day she died, but my mother had been crying.

“How do you feel, darling?” she asked, grabbing my hand and kissing it.

“Sore and groggy,” I whispered with a dry mouth. She grabbed the cup of water and brought the straw to my lips. I drank the entire thing.

“Where’s the baby?” It was my very first question.

“It’s being taken care of,” she said, placing the cup on the counter and grabbing my hand again.

“I want to see her.”

She shook her head no. “That’s not a good idea.”

“Mother….please. I want to see her.”

She sighed. I could see her battling something internal.

“All right,” she conceded.

They brought over a wheelchair and we made our way to the ICU unit.

I saw the tiniest baby I had ever seen in my life. She was on all these machines that looked painful, but she was sleeping.

“Is she going to be okay?”

“She’s in the best hands possible. She will be fine,” she calmly stated.

I have no idea what happened next, but my emotions got the best of me, and I broke down crying. I didn’t care that “The Madam” was standing next to me. I felt my mother’s hand on my back, soothing and comforting me. I cried for what felt like hours, when finally my mother crouched down in front of me and grabbed the sides of my face.

“Listen to me; I will only say this once. Lilith Veronica Stone, none of this is your fault. The baby will be fine and she will be adopted into a family that will love and cherish her. You were meant for greater things. Children are not in your future.”

“What?” I sobbed.

“They had to perform a hysterectomy and remove your uterus, there was too much damage and bleeding. It was the only way you would survive. They did what they had to do to save you,” she explained and I immediately bawled my eyes out.

She placed her forehead on mine. “Do not let this be the end of you. Do you understand me?” she whispered.

I nodded and let my tears flow. My mother permitted me to cry that day. She held me the entire day and comforted me the only way she knew how.

I cried for everything…

For my past…

For my present…

And most of all.

For my future…

<>-<>-<>-<>

Two weeks later and we were on a private plane ride home. My mother insisted that I stay until I was 110% better. Physically I was fine; emotionally I was a hot mess. The doctors said it was perfectly normal to be hormonal and it would be a few months before it would go away. I did the best I could with holding it all in. My mother would permit weakness once, but never twice; she didn’t have to tell me to know that.

After three months, my hormonal imbalance had not changed, although, the painkillers helped. “The Madam” had requested my presence in her office; I took two painkillers before knocking on her door.

“Lilith, I have a treat for you. Would you like to see it?” she goaded.

“Sure,” I replied. She pulled out a mock invitation for my eighteenth birthday.

“The newest member of VIP, Lilith Veronica Stone” read the first line.

“Coming out eighteenth birthday party” was the second.

“It’s nice mother,” I replied, faking a smile.

She roughly grabbed the invitation from my hands and ripped it in half.

“This,” She stated, pointing at me with her index finger and roared, “is fucking over.”

“I think I have permitted this to go on long enough, don’t you think, Lilith?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Oh really…lie to me one more time, Lilith, and see what happens,” she threatened in a mocking tone.

“What are you going to do, Madam? Sell my first born…” I retorted; see, I had lost my shit.

She laughed, “Wow, Lilith…those painkillers make you all big and bad, honey. Maybe I should get you a permanent prescription. But first, we should probably try to remove the stick that has been placed in your ass for the last three months,” she teased.

“You want to go toe to toe with me, Lilith, then bring it the fuck on. Say what you want to say.”

“All right, I’m going to be eighteen and a VIP soon. I want a say, I’m not a little girl anymore and I’m over you pulling the reigns. You’re done making decisions for me; it’s something we discuss together from now on.”

She giggled; I had never heard her giggle before.

“My, my, my…you think because the decisions you’ve made have worked so well for you? Let’s see huh…you decide to have sex, not only do you get paid chump change, you also get knocked up. Oh, and we can’t forget good ole Julian, who at the first chance he got threw you away like you were yesterday’s garbage.” She paused to let her words sink in.

“But you want to know what really pisses me off, is that he doesn’t fucking remember even being with you. Darling, you’re never going to make it in this business if your pussy is that forgettable,” she sadistically mocked.

I smirked. “Well you know what they say, Madam, like mother like daughter.” I waited for the blow across the face that never came. My mother threw her head back and laughed. I mean laughed like she had gone mad.

“Lilith,” she said in between laughing. “How refreshing…you really are my daughter and all it took was you squirting out a kid. God, if I would have known that, I would have put a bastard in you sooner. I mean Jesus…where the fuck has this woman been hiding for the last seventeen years? I can honestly say I’m so unbelievably proud.” She stated and clapped. “Bravo, encore, let it all out for the cheap seats in the back.”

She wiped away the tears from laughing, “Oh…I needed a good laugh. Feel better now?” she questioned.

It was now or never. If I could stand up to my mother, I could stand up to anyone. I stood to stand right in her face.

“I’m not fucking around. I will let you guide and teach me, but you will NEVER make another decision for me. You will not talk to me like a child, you will treat and respect me as your equal. You are no longer My Mother; you’re My Madam. Are we clear?”

She grinned. “Crystal.”

And thus my training began…