It’s cold and dark and claustrophobic.

I don’t know where I am, and my heart is pounding so hard I feel like it’s about to leap from my throat.

I try to take a breath, but the air won’t go in; it’s as if there’s a plastic bag over my face, but I can’t reach up to touch it. Right at the end, when I think I’m going to suffocate, I sit up, and then suddenly I’m at the Christmas party, relatives all around me, all staring at me, all waiting for me to say something.

Waiting for me to make an impression. To tell a joke. To do anything worthy of their time, to be anything more than just a footnote of their lives.

But I can’t do it. I can’t speak. Not like usual, where my brain can’t choose the right words, but something much simpler: I physically can’t speak. I try to say something, and no sound comes out. My family is watching, everyone is there watching, and I can’t say a thing.

I try to scream, and there’s nothing. I feel like I’m stuck in glue.

But I feel a hand on my arm, shaking me, and then someone saying my name, so soft and so comforting.

I woke up from the dream, and at first, I had no idea where I was. My heart was pounding out of my chest, and the feeling on my arm was real.

I was in the cold, dark room at my parents’ house. And Kade was actually here, right next to me, shaking me awake. I could just make out his face in the darkness of the room, and he looked concerned, saying my name.

“Mason, you’re fine. You’re okay. It was a dream,” he said.

“Oh my God,” I said, breathing deep, gripping Kade’s arm. “It was bad—it was so bad, I’m sorry, Kade…”

“No, no, no,” he said, lying back down and wrapping his arm around my body. “Come here,” he said, pulling me in close to him. His body radiated warmth under the covers, comforting and relaxing me instantly.

I settled into a position where I was facing away from him, the back of my body pressed up against his chest. He held me close, whispering a low shh near the back of my ear.

“It was a nightmare,” I whispered.

“Anxiety dream?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Awful.”

“I used to get them as a kid,” he said. “You’re just fine. Give it a minute or two. Think… think about happier things.”

“I hate when this happens,” I said. My forest noisemaker had long since turned off, and there was a still silence in the room other than our voices. “I wake up in the middle of the night, and even when the dream wears off, I can’t relax… and I think about everything I’ve done wrong. Ever. In my entire life.”

“Hey,” Kade said, gently turning me over until I was on my back. His arm lay like a security blanket across my chest, and I looked his way, watching his sleepy eyes as they danced across my face. “You don’t have to worry tonight. I’m here.”

I sighed. “Thank you,” I whispered. He just nodded, running his hand through my hair. It was another reminder of how good he could make me feel, of how much I needed something like this.

My anxiety shifted, then, from my dream to reality. Being next to Kade felt so right at that moment, and of course, that wasn’t good, either. I needed a boyfriend, a real one, and I knew that Kade could never be that for me.

But it was so hard not to pretend. Not to act like today had been real, and I was in bed with someone who really cared about me.

“It must suck sleeping next to me,” I said. “Make you endure all my weird sleep rituals, and then wake you up in the middle of the night.”

“I’m not bothered,” Kade said. His voice was becoming a little thicker, heavy with sleep. He’d started to drift back off. “I like takin’ care of you.”

Oh, God. I hoped that he couldn’t feel my heart speeding up again, with his arm over my chest. He had no idea what he was doing to me. For him, this all likely meant nothing at all—he hooked up with people whenever he wanted, had his pick of the litter, and had probably had more sex in the last year than I’d ever had in my life. Why would it matter to him, to be asleep next to me?

And yet to me, it was world-shaking. I let out a long breath, trying not to focus on how good and safe it made me feel to be draped in his arm, to hear his breath near me.

It felt wrong to enjoy this so much when he was just falling back asleep without a care in the world. But I did. I more than enjoyed it, I craved it, and being in bed with another person was a gift I hadn’t realized I’d be getting.

I almost jumped when I heard Kade make a low hum, and he shifted a little in bed, pulling me a little closer. “I know you’re still all nervous,” he said in his low, velvety voice.

“What? No, I’m not—I mean, how?”

He chuckled. “Because I know you by now. You’re all tensed up. Relax.”

I swallowed. “I’m trying,” I said.

“You’re adorable, Mason,” he said.

And then he moved his face a little closer in toward mine and pressed a light, slow kiss to the top of my head.

Yeah. Kade really didn’t know what the hell he was doing to me. It didn’t matter if it was just his lips on my head—it plunged me further into my desire for him, a deep yearning for physical closeness that I hadn’t had in so long.

I wanted him. And it was making me a little crazy, here in the dark.

“Can—can you do that again?” I asked.

“Hmm?” he said. “You’re so quiet.”

I cleared my throat, pulling in another breath. “I said… can you do that again?”

He was alert now. He sat up a little in bed, looking over at me intently. “Do what again?”

For God’s sake, he was going to make me say it. I felt a nervous fluttering in my chest, wondering if I was making a horrible mistake.

“Kiss me again,” I managed to say. The words hung in the air between us, and with every passing microsecond, I was sure I’d just ruined everything for myself.

But then he leaned over, pressing his lips to my forehead again, as he cradled me in his arms. “Like that?” he said, his voice so soft and low.

I brought one hand up between us, sliding my palm along his chest, feeling the curves of his muscles below his thin shirt. I felt like I wasn’t in control of myself. I was like a magnet, pulled toward Kade, with no rules or reasoning or restraint.

I tilted my head upward slightly, and even in the low light, I could see his sleepy eyes gazing down into mine. He was watching me as if he had some question, and I only knew one way to answer it.

I closed the distance between us and put my lips on his. The world seemed to stop turning for a moment, and it was like I’d jumped off a cliff without knowing if there was anything below to catch me. I shouldn’t have kissed him, but I needed to, and I realized that I couldn’t have stopped myself, even if I’d tried.

Kade was still for a moment, just letting me kiss him, his lips soft and dry under mine. When I pulled away, I realized that I had gathered the fabric of his shirt in my fist, and I was clinging on to it for dear life. My hands were shaking, and I locked eyes with Kade, waiting for him to tell me I was bad.

But instead, his fingers curled into my hair, and he brought his face to mine. He kissed me again, this time not holding back at all, moaning slightly as his tongue slid across my lips.

And oh my God, I had not been expecting that. His kiss was hungry, not sleepy at all, and I parted my lips for him. He was pressing his body up against mine now, and I felt myself getting hard.

There was no way I could deny this now. There was no way I could say that I’d just been anxious or tired or drunk. This was happening, actually happening, right here in the dark of the room, and the worst parts of me loved every second of it.

I sighed against his lips, and Kade caught my lower lip between his teeth, giving it a gentle tug.

And as if the darkness were some sort of permission, I found myself moving until I was propped up above him in bed, hovering over him, dipping to kiss him deeper than before.

I had never in my life been able to feel this comfortable with another guy. I was nervous, of course, and I was pretty sure my body was shaking and would continue shaking for the rest of my life, but Kade’s body just seemed to fit against mine. He rolled his hips upward, and I sank against him, putting my whole body weight against his.

He just reached his arms around me again, holding me from below, and kept me close against him. I kissed the soft skin of his neck as I settled onto the bed, still wrapped in his arms.

Maybe this world had always been available to me, and I just hadn’t known it. Maybe I was the kind of guy who could kiss someone in bed, could sleep next to someone who wasn’t even my boyfriend, and be okay with it.

But also, somewhere deep down, I knew I couldn’t do this with anyone but Kade. There had been something different about him from the start, some comfort that I couldn’t get from anyone else.

“Better?” Kade whispered, still so close to me.

I swallowed hard, forcing myself to breathe. “Yeah. Um—yeah. A lot better.”

“Mmm,” Kade hummed, smiling and burying his nose in my hair. I leaned in again and pressed my lips against the side of his neck, sucking gently, and Kade’s breath hitched. He gripped me hard as I finally released him, and he groaned softly.

“Jesus, Mason,” he whispered, dragging his fingertips from my hair to my neck and then all the way down my back. I let myself relax again in his arms. I slid one hand lower until I reached the hemline of his shirt and then slid my fingers upward, over the dips of his abdominal muscles.

“Oh, fuck, your hands are cold,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” I said, pulling them back down.

“No, no,” he said quickly, gripping my hand and planting it firmly back on his chest, where it had rested. “I love it. Let me warm you.”

I kept my fingertips resting there against his chest, and he held his hand over mine. As he dipped to kiss me again, this time slow and soft and deep, I let my fingers explore a little, dragging my thumb across his nipple.

“I think… I needed this,” I said when he broke off.

“Not so nervous anymore?” Kade asked.

“Not at all,” I said. “I can’t believe it.”

“I can,” Kade said. “I meant it when I said I wanted to help you feel better.” He squeezed me tight, holding me again in his arms.

“But…” I said, unsure of how much to say. “I know we shouldn’t be doing this.”

He shook his head as he closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against mine. “Forget about that for tonight. You needed this, and that’s all that matters.”

One question burned bright in my mind, like a bright red neon sign: did you need it, too?

But I didn’t dare ask. I wanted to be able to keep things exactly as they were, to make sure that I could fall asleep in his arms tonight.

“Think later, sleep now,” Kade said, and at that moment, it felt like the only logical thing to do.

I’d think later. I’d think about all the reasons this was wrong and bad, and I’d suffer all the consequences. But right now I was warm in the arms of this incredible man, and I wanted to live on this stolen time.

I slowly drifted off to sleep so close to him, and every couple minutes he would lean over, pressing a kiss to my head or my shoulder or my cheek. I didn’t have any rain sounds or stretches or sprays, just Kade’s body and a million tiny kisses all over.