Oh no. Oh God. Oh my holy Lord and the stars above, I’d gone and done something insane.

Stupid bourbon, stupid bar, stupid Kade.

I pulled back from him, feeling about ten thousand emotions rush through me at once. It had been years since I’d been on a roller coaster, but I don’t think a single one in the world could compare to what I was feeling now.

His lips had felt good. But now I felt a panic settling in, like a million tiny birds flying around inside me, banging and bashing around. I wanted to scream or pace around, but of course, I was in a bar, surrounded by music and lights and too much—

My airway was starting to close off, now—at least it felt like it, and I was sure that I was about to die—

“I’m—I’m sorry—” I choked out, surprised that I was still even able to speak. I couldn’t look at Kade, instead looking down at the wood veneer on the table, certain that it would be the last thing I ever saw.

And then, in the midst of all this—as I was about to perish!—I heard the distinct sound of Kade laughing.

Laughing.

I was so stunned that I forgot my imminent death for a moment, and I snapped my eyes back up to him.

Screw him for still looking so good. As he laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkled up a little, and I realized that he had dimples on either side of his lips. His lips that I’d just freaking kissed.

And… that I kind of still… really wanted to kiss.

It might be a good point to mention that I was fairly drunk at that point—I wasn’t a stranger to the feeling, as I allowed myself one night a month to drink as much white wine as I felt like. It’s just that usually, my white wine nights were spent alone or with Terry on my couch, watching Jeopardy reruns on TV.

But this was bourbon, and instead of Alex Trebek in front of me, it was an even sexier man.

I felt myself blushing at even thinking of how sexy I found Kade, of the fact that my lips had touched his mere moments ago.

“Mason, are you okay?” Kade was saying, and I took a long, slow breath in.

“Well, I’m not dead yet, so…” I said, trailing off. “Good Lord, I’m sorry, Kade—”

“You don’t have to apologize,” he said. “I liked it.”

“You liked it?” I asked.

He nodded. “Quite a lot. I want to do it again, actually.”

Is it possible to get the wind knocked out of you while you’re just sitting perfectly still, in a booth, in a bar with Kade Thompson? Because I think that’s what happened to me at that moment.

“Y-you—you would?”

He licked his lips, and then I felt it: my traitorous cock, perking up again, getting hard under my pants at the worst possible time.

“Only if you enjoyed it, too?” he said. “And be honest with me.”

Christ. What a complicated question that was.

Yes, Kade, I enjoyed it so much that my cock is now hardening under my pants, in public.

I’m having thoughts that are the most inappropriate things possible, and yet some wicked part of me wants them to keep going.

I know I should run away, far and fast, and yet all I want to do is pull you in for another kiss.

“I liked it,” I managed to say in between deep breaths. “A lot.”

I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but I didn’t have much time to think about it. Because in another second, Kade was moving in close, and then… dear God, he was kissing me again. Kissing me in a way only Kade Thompson would, in a way I certainly wasn’t used to being kissed.

I would have expected kisses from a confidence coach to be… well, confident. But this was another level altogether. Kade’s kisses were hungry, and his hand made its way to my waist as we kissed, squeezing me gently there. He smelled faintly of some subtle, spicy cologne, and his lips tasted like bourbon, sweet and perfect. His body was radiating warmth near mine, and I was drawn to him like a magnet.

There was also something about Kade that felt dangerous. Maybe it was because I was sheltered and hadn’t done much of anything with another guy in many months… but the edges of a tattoo peeked out from under Kade’s jacket at his wrist, and his big hand against my waist felt steadying. Like he could pick me up right now and throw me over his shoulder if he wanted to—but he wouldn’t. Not here.

I felt like I’d been pushed off the side of a cliff, but in the best way possible—like after I fell, there was warm, inviting water there to catch me.

Because with every new flash of nervousness I felt as we kissed, I felt an equal amount of surrender and desire. This was the kind of thing other people did—kissed men that they’d just met, in dimly lit bars with a jukebox in the background. I’d stepped into some other dimension where I was someone else. I was kissing him back, I was scooting closer to him on the booth, and even though we were in public and the world around me was carrying on as normal… I was in a little cocoon with only Kade and me inside.

Kade deepened the kiss, and I parted my lips slightly, feeling his tongue slide gently against my own, and I let out a moan that I had no control over. It instantly made my cheeks feel hot, and despite being sure that his tongue on mine was the best thing I had ever felt, I pulled back slightly, shocked at my own noise.

“God,” I whispered. My heart was racing, and my eyes darted around the room, making sure no one was making a scene. Making sure no one was calling the police on us, for God’s sake. I knew that was a ridiculous thought, but it felt that racy, just to be kissing him in our secluded booth.

“No one’s looking our way,” Kade said, stroking his thumb against my cheek, which of course just had the effect of making my cock throb again in my pants.

Kade had far too much power over me at this moment, but I kind of liked it.

“I just feel so… exposed,” I said.

“Okay,” Kade said, releasing me and moving back on the booth. “I understand, Mason.”

The loss of his touch felt just about ten times worse than any embarrassment I had, though.

“No!” I said. “Ah, I mean… that’s not what I meant,” I said more quietly. “I don’t want… I don’t want you to stop.”

Kade raised an eyebrow, looking at me intently. “Are you sure?” he asked. “I don’t want you doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“Nobody’s… nobody’s touched me in so long,” I said, startled by how vulnerable the statement made me feel. “I, ah… God, it’s so hard to talk,” I said, hating myself, my inability to just be cool, to just take something like this in stride.

“It’s okay,” he said, his voice soft and understanding. “Take as much time as you need.”

“I just… for once, I feel more scared of not doing this than doing it. If I don’t, I know I’m going to regret it forever. And every time I see this particular failure on my Excel list, I’ll want to kick myself. ‘Kissed Kade Thompson until I got too nervous and ruined everything.’ I hate it already.”

He laughed at that, thank God, because I was pretty sure my panicked attitude was about to drive him out the door.

“Please, Kade….”

He nodded once, glancing over to another corner of the room. “I’ve got an idea. Follow me,” he said. He got up and out of the booth in a split second, and before I had time to think about what was happening, I was up, too, following him as he said toward the back of the bar.

He led me down a hall that was stacked with cases of wine and liquor until we were near the back exit of the bar. The walls were painted black, and it felt even dimmer and secluded than before. He quickly tried the handle of one door, and when it didn’t budge, he tried the other.

It squeaked open, and Kade grabbed my hand, pulled me inside.

“What is this?” I said, trying to keep the rising panic out of my voice but failing pretty spectacularly.

“Stockroom,” he said. “We’re safe, Mason.”

There was one window in the small room, nestled in the corner above a large shelving unit. Light from the street outside filtered through the dirty window, and as my eyes adjusted, I began to see that Kade was right: the room was full to the brim of boxes of straws, boxes of more liquor, boxes of napkins.

“We can’t be in here,” I said. “What if—what if someone walks in—”

Kade reached over toward the door, gently turning the lock on the door handle. “Done. Door’s locked. Nobody’s walking in.”

“Oh God,” I said, seeing a film of dust on the back of the door. “Just look at that—”

Suddenly, Kade pushed back up against the door, pulling me close against him, so that he was sandwiched between that ungodly dust trap and me. He brought his hands up to my face and kissed me again, this time with total abandon.

And it was like the dust, the straws, and the dirty little window all disappeared completely.

This little room was heaven. No—it was better than that. This little room was where I belonged, dust or no dust, because in here, nothing existed other than me and Kade. I was wrapped up in his arms again, in the warm smell of his clothes, in the slightly rough grip of his strong hands.

Kade moved in sure and steady motions, kissing me along my jaw and then to the skin under my earlobe.

“Oh, jeez,” I said as he nibbled my earlobe slightly, and for some reason, it made my cock even harder than it already was. I tilted my head to the side, allowing him to kiss along the skin of my neck. It had no right to feel as good as it did, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little, just from the sheer unlikelihood of this. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Oh God, I’m going crazy, aren’t I? I can’t even—oh, wow—”

As I rambled on and on, Kade had kissed his way down to the top of my shirt, and now he had unbuttoned the top two buttons and was dragging his warm tongue along my skin.

“Good Lord—” I uttered as one of his hands reached around to my backside, squeezing my ass tight. My cock jumped at the sensation, of how sure Kade was with all his movements. It was like he had some kind of key to my body, knowing exactly what buttons to push to get me to go wild. He began to slide down against the door, and I couldn’t help it—even though the door was dusty, I put my palms up against it, steadying me as Kade worked his way down to his knees.

I had Kade Thompson on his knees for me. Right there in front of me. As if this was a thing that ever occurred in my life.

And oh my God, he was unzipping my freaking khakis.

I was fairly sure I was going to hyperventilate, so I closed my eyes and started taking long, deep breaths in a row, just like my mother used to tell me to do when I was a kid. Kade took notice, though, and he paused for a moment, tapping me on my wrist.

I looked down and saw him there, his shaggy hair falling over his forehead, those deep eyes fixed on mine. He was too hot to be real.

“Mason, you’re sure you’re all right?” he asked.

Words. I had to try to make words, to reassure him that this was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my sad little life. But I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know how to make words, and for a few moments I just stood there, over him, taking deep breaths.

“Please…” I finally managed, looking back down at him. “Please don’t stop.”

A smile returned to his lips, like that was all the permission he needed. He returned to undoing my pants, and soon he was sliding them down, exposing my boxer briefs to the world.

Well, exposing them to him, which may as well have been the whole world right then, according to me.

He pushed his palms up along my thighs until they met, just below my stomach. And then he dragged them back down, sliding over my very obvious erection, through the thin fabric of my boxer briefs.

I moaned loud enough that I feared someone in the bar would hear, tossing my head back. My hips bucked forward involuntarily. When I looked down again, he’d returned his fingertips to the tip of my cock, and he swirled them through the wet spot that had leaked its way through the fabric.

I thanked God that my hands were steady against the door because if they weren’t, I knew they’d be shaking.

Kade pulled away just for a moment, shrugging off his leather jacket and tossing it on top of a box nearby. In the low light, I could just make out the outlines of his tattoos, and I watched closely as his hands traveled back up to my underwear. He started to pull them down, and then there was no time left to stare at his tattoos because my cock was springing free, right in front of Kade’s face. Right in front of his mouth.

I expected him to go wild, in typical Kade fashion, but I was shocked when he actually stood back up again, quickly dipping to kiss me, slow and passionate. As his tongue slid against mine, he ran his hand back down along my chest, to my stomach until it finally landed on my cock.

I moaned openly into his mouth as his hand wrapped around me. He was gently stroking me now as he kissed me—his grip was loose and exploratory, just skating over my length. It was maddening, and my hips began to buck involuntarily again. They weren’t in my control at all.

As he gently took my bottom lip between his teeth, giving it a gentle nibble, his hand tightened a little around my cock, giving it a squeeze. The dual sensations drove me insane, and I groaned, reaching one hand down to grip against his hip. My knees felt weak, and if I hadn’t held him, I knew that I would have collapsed to the floor, melted into a puddle, and died happily.

But it was just the beginning for Kade. Next, he was breaking the kiss, gripping his hands against my hips, and sinking down to the floor again. He took the tip of my cock into his warm, wet mouth—zero hesitation, sucking on me like he’d done it a thousand times before.

It was one of the most intense feelings I’d ever experienced. I’d been with a handful of guys before—in college, experimenting with other shy, nerdy boys who needed it as much as I did, and since then, the few boyfriends I’d managed to keep around before they left me for being too neurotic. I was no stranger to a blow job or another man’s touch, but it had been almost a year since I’d been with anyone.

And Kade’s mouth around my cock was like a gift. He quickly worked his mouth down my entire length, his tongue firm as it slid over me. It seemed like Kade was enjoying the task almost as much as I was, relishing it as he began to work in a slow rhythm.

He began to hum around me as he bobbed up and down on my cock, and I gently placed one of my hands at the back of his head—not guiding him, really, just enjoying the sensation of holding him. I laced my fingers into his hair, which was softer than it looked. I was hypnotized by the rhythm and the sound of his breath.

And then a loud slam came from just outside the door, followed by a peal of a woman’s laughter.

I jumped slightly, and Kade pulled off my cock.

“What was that?” I whispered, certain that somebody had heard me moaning and was going to drag me straight to jail.

“Fuck!” the same woman yelled from outside the door. “That’s not the bathroom.”

“This is employees only,” Kade called out, smirking up at me before immediately wrapping his lips back around my cock.

“Oh God—she’s still there,” I whispered down at him, but he just chuckled softly as he pulled my cock deep inside his mouth again.

“Silly me!” the woman called from outside. “God, I am just so, so drunk. You think you’re going to have one margarita, and then it’s four… y’know?”

What was wrong with this woman? I found it hard to talk to any living soul, and yet she seemed content to talk to the door of a storage closet. Kade began to work at a faster pace, bringing one hand up to grab my ass and push me deeper inside his mouth.

“Jesus, it’s so good,” I said involuntarily, and I heard the woman laugh again from outside.

“I know! Their margaritas are just too good here. Must be chock-full of sugar, huh?”

“Oh sh—sh—sugar,” I called out as Kade swirled his tongue around my tip.

“For sure,” the woman said. And then finally, mercifully, I heard the sound of her heels clicking as she walked away. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding and relaxed again against Kade.

And it was a seriously good thing that the woman had walked away when she did. Kade moved off my cock for a split second to suck on his thumb, wetting it. He moved back to put me in his mouth but now reached around with his hand to my ass and….

He dragged his wet finger across my ass until he pushed apart my cheeks, stroking my hole with his wet thumb.

“What?!” I cried out, incapable of keeping my voice down. Kade’s mouth remained wrapped around my cock, and he sighed as his thumb started to circle my hole.

“Oh my God—oh my God,” I said, squirming a little as goose bumps spread across my whole body.

Kade pulled off me, looking up. “Not your thing?” he asked.

“I—I don’t know—” I said, but I couldn’t help but moan as the pad of his thumb stroked over my hole once again.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” he said, his voice gravelly.

“I mean, I’ve never… I haven’t… done that kind of stuff.”

Kade narrowed his gaze at me. “You’ve never done it? Mason, you’re not a virgin, are you?”

“Of course not!” I said, probably a little too proudly. “I’m not a virgin. God, no. But… when I’ve gotten…” I trailed off.

“...fucked?” Kade asked, completing my sentence. As he said the word, he pressed his thumb a little harder against my hole, and my now-neglected cock jumped at the sensation.

I nodded. “When I’ve had sex, it’s usually been pretty simple. Condom on, lube it up, then slowly we… did it. Nobody ever focused on my…” I took a deep breath.

“Christ almighty, Mason, just say it,” Kade said, but he was smiling, encouraging me. “You can say anything to me.”

“Fine,” I said, taking a deep breath. “It feels so… fucking good, what you’re doing to me, and I love your finger on my hole, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to come so hard I can’t see straight if you put your mouth around me again.”

I swallowed hard, looking down at him, and he beamed up at me. “God, those words sound like the filthiest dirty talk, coming out of your mouth,” he said. He stroked me again with his thumb, and I moaned.

“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said, “I fucking love it.”

And then he took my cock deep inside his mouth again, the warm rush of wetness even sweeter now that I’d been deprived of it for a couple minutes. From that moment on, I forgot about everything—forgot the woman outside the door, my own dirty mouth, and the filthy storeroom we were in.

Kade’s mouth around me was everything I had ever needed. And as he stroked my hole in a circular pattern, quickening his pace on my cock at the same time, I could feel myself beginning to crash toward something inevitable.

“Kade—you don’t know what you’re doing to me—” I said, rolling my hips along with his every move.

He just hummed around me, and as a low moan escaped me, he pushed his thumb inside my hole—just the tiniest bit, not enough to hurt at all. In fact, it felt incredible, impossibly good for such a simple thing, and it kicked something loose inside me that now ran wild.

“Oh Jesus—I’m going to—it’s happening, Kade, I can’t stop,” I said, my words turning into a low groan as I felt myself falling into an orgasm.

I’d always prided myself on being pretty silent when I came. It was useful, especially living with someone else. I never had to worry about making a fuss or being heard.

But all that had gone completely out the window with Kade.

It was like I was coming in a way my body hadn’t known was possible, and as the waves of pleasure began to crash down on me, I groaned so loud I couldn’t believe the sound even came out of me. Kade kept his mouth wrapped tightly on my cock, swallowing around me. It felt like he was holding me both inside and out.

I came back to myself slowly, my orgasm receding from the corners of my mind like a misty fog. Kade slowly pulled off, and after a moment, he pulled my pants back up, zipping them closed for me. It was a small, caring gesture that I hadn’t expected and still could barely believe.

But after I had come, it was like the slow creep of reality set in without warning. Suddenly, this room wasn’t a magical fortress, built just for me and Kade. It looked more like a prison cell, actually; a dirty, dingy closet that I had no business being in. The ambient sounds of the bar floated through the door, and I could hear the sound of a drunk old man rambling on about the Boston Red Sox.

I had just gotten my dick sucked by a near stranger in this grimy place. For God’s sake, I was surprised a rat hadn’t crawled up my leg.

I knew this feeling all too well: it was shame, rearing its ugly head right when I needed it least.

“You doing okay?” Kade asked, standing up, reaching one hand out to my waist. I almost flinched—not because he was touching me, but because any touch would have seemed terrible just then.

“I—I—um,” I said, forcing myself to spit the words out. But it wouldn’t work.

Kade’s eyes narrowed. “Did I do something wrong, Mason?”

“No,” I managed to say, squeezing my eyes shut and lacing my hands in my hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I just—ah!” I yelped as I heard the sound of something skittering across the floor.

“It’s just a piece of paper,” Kade said, reaching down and picking up a crumpled sheet, showing it to me. “Christ, Mason, you’re… you’re really freaking out, aren’t you?”

“Little bit,” I said, nodding.

Kade shrugged on his jacket quickly. “Come on,” he said, unlocking the door and taking my hand. He led me back out to the bar, which also seemed worse, somehow: only a few people remained, two of them were arguing, and the jukebox was playing some brash heavy metal tune. The room had begun to spin a little, and I felt like I’d walked back into some low level of hell.

“Thank you, Joe,” Kade said, nodding at a man behind the bar and dropping two twenty-dollar bills on the bar.

The man nodded, and as we walked to the front, I grabbed my windbreaker from the wire rack at the front of the bar. Kade led me out to the street, and the cold air was an instant relief. I just held my jacket in my hand for a moment, letting the chill wash over me, breathing deep.

“Thanks,” I said, my voice weak.

“Of course,” Kade said. His brow was furrowed as he looked at me, and he began to rub his hands together fast for warmth. A few seconds later, he clasped them around my fingers, which had begun to get cold in earnest. “You’re shaking,” he said, worry growing in his eyes. “Mason… this isn’t good.”

I shook my head. “I know,” I said. “But… this is just… how I am.”

He cocked his head to one side. “Please, talk to me. What happened back there?”

I took a deep breath, letting it out and watching it dissipate into the night air under a street lamp. It wasn’t technically winter yet, but it sure felt like it, and all the leaves had fallen from the trees. I looked down at the cobblestone sidewalk under my feet, kicking a loose stone.

“It wasn’t bad, Kade,” I said. “Nothing you did was bad. You were incredible. But the minute it ended I realized where I was and what I was doing, and I’m… not the kind of person who does that sort of thing. Certainly not in that kind of bar.”

Kade was nodding, listening closely as I spoke. Getting out every word felt like a monumental effort, but he didn’t rush me at all.

“I suppose I felt out of place,” I said. “Feel out of place. I’m overwhelmed. Kade, you’re not the kind of guy who usually even looks my way.”

“You’d be surprised,” he said. He let out a short laugh. “Hell, I might think you were out of my league if I saw you on the street.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “That’s ridiculous.”

He shook his head. “What’s ridiculous is that you still haven’t put your jacket on,” he said, reaching to grab it and hold it out for me. I shrugged it on.

“Tonight was fun,” I said, “but it was a mistake. I am so sorry that I can’t continue as a client.”

I saw disappointment flash through Kade’s eyes. “I am so sorry if I caused you any problems tonight,” he said.

“Of course you didn’t,” I said. “My problems are my own. You were great, Kade.”

“Do you need a ride home?” he asked. “My truck is just around the back—”

I shook my head. “I took a cab here, but I’m going to walk back.”

He paused for a moment, studying my face. “And you don’t need me to walk back with you?”

“No,” I said. The longer I spent around Kade, the more I wished I were someone else, someone that could actually be with a man like that. Someone fun, someone spontaneous, someone adventurous. Instead I was just a guy who freaked out after a hot blow job, who got so panicked in certain situations that I couldn’t even process it. “I need to go, Kade. I… I wish you the best of luck.”

I began to walk off, leaves crunching under my feet. I stuffed my hands into my pockets, balling them into fists, wishing I had brought my stress balls.

“Mason,” Kade called from behind me, and I stopped, turning to look back at him. He was still standing there, looking all too rebel-perfect, highlighted in the glow of a streetlamp.

“I want you to know that you do have it in you,” he said. His eyes were full of so much emotion that it was hard to look into them. I didn’t deserve to have a man like him look at me that way, like he believed in me, even though I didn’t believe in myself.

I stayed silent, just giving him one nod.

“You can be whoever you want to be,” he said, his voice soft. And then he turned, heading back to the lot and hopping into his truck.