Patrick

My work week flies by in a blur, but it’s finally starting to settle down a bit since the hospital project details are finalizing.

And my home life couldn’t get much better. Work has always been a reprieve for me, a distraction. Now I want to be home with Carsen and Maeve as much as possible. If someone would’ve told me a year ago that my wife was going to leave me and I would end up finding someone else and start falling for her hard and fast, I wouldn’t have believed them. But that’s what is happening. Carsen came into my life and has changed it for the better.

Now she sits here next to me—in the beautiful dress I bought for her—at my brother’s wedding. It’s been a day of celebration of the love that Braeden and Lettie found together. I got to stand next to my brother while he cried like a baby as Lettie came down the aisle in her stunning white gown. It truly has been a spectacular day.

The reception hall is dimly lit with stunning floral arrangements at the center of every table. Their scent reminds me of Carsen. I have no idea what the names of all of them are, but my mother could tell you. Everyone I love is in this room. Brae and Lettie are stopping at each table during the meal to catch up with everyone and thank them for coming. Jax and Amelia are out on the dance floor already; they never seem to have their hands off each other. Glancing across the table, my mom is feeding Maeve little chunks of chicken. They’re both wearing huge smiles on their faces. Carsen is sitting next to me, our knees touching under the table. It’s not enough. I want more. We’ve had sex every night and sometimes before I leave for work in the morning this week. We can’t seem to get enough of each other.

Pushing her plate away, Carsen puts one hand on her flat stomach and says, “I’m stuffed. The food was fantastic, but now I need to go dance.” Even in the dim light, I can still see the way her blue-green eyes sparkle, telling me there’s something she wants. “Will you dance with me?”

Fuck. I hate dancing. I barely did it at my own wedding, but it’s hard as hell to say no to Carsen. And I want to be close to her and have her in my arms. I’m sure my family wouldn’t think anything of it. They all love Maeve’s new nanny. Soon I’ll have to start telling everyone that she is so much more than an employee. Just not yet, I need a little more time. “I’m not much of a dancer.”

Smirking, her hand finds my leg under the table and she runs her hand up it and whispers, “If you dance with me now, I will thank you for it later.” She runs her tongue across her top lip and fuck if I don’t get a semi.

“You drive a hard bargain,” I say.

“Does that mean you’re going to take me out to the dance floor now?” Her voice has a sultry edge to it that makes me want to take her home now and skip the dance floor.

I nod at her, stand up, and give her my hand. “Let’s go.”

Her smile is immediate and as wide as they come. “Thank you.”

We walk to the dance floor together and find an empty spot. Carsen’s hands come up around my neck and I put my arms around her slim waist, my hands sitting at the small of her back. Her sweet lilac scent is all around me and I have the overwhelming desire to move her hair out of the way and kiss the soft skin of her neck. There’s a spot just under her ear that drives her wild when I run my tongue along it. “Do you have any idea how much I don’t like to dance?”

Swinging her hips, she presses her body closer to mine. “Oh, really? What’s not to like about it?”

When we turn and her back is toward the empty corner of the room, I grasp her ass firmly in my hand and squeeze, causing her to gasp. “First of all, if I’m this close to you, I’d prefer it be without clothes on.” My hand moves up and returns to her back.

“Well, I agree with you, but isn’t this nice, too?” Her fingertips sneak up to the back of my hair and she runs her nails through it. She knows how much I love it when she does that. My dick twitches and my restraint is getting less and less.

“This is nice. Everything I do with you is; I’d just rather not be on the dance floor with all of these people watching us,” I whisper in her ear.

Carsen’s face is only centimeters from my neck, and when she exhales, her lips graze my skin, causing an erotic chill to move down my spine. I’d love to lift the fabric of her dress and take her right here. And she wonders why I don’t want to dance. I’m in such a lust filled haze that I don’t even recognize her at first, the woman walking toward Carsen and me.

I shake my head to see if it’ll change the picture in front of me. It doesn’t.

Maggie clears her throat, and Carsen and I stop dancing to face her. “Hi, Patrick, it’s good to see you.” Her tone is soft and tentative and her head is angled down.

I’ve long since given up on the idea of ever seeing her again, so now that she’s standing in front of me, I’m so dumbfounded that I don’t know what to say. “Maggie.” It’s all I get out.

Carsen looks from me to Maggie, her skin has gone pale and her mouth is agape, a mirror of the shock I’m feeling.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend? I don’t recognize her.” Maggie points to Carsen.

“This is Maeve’s nanny, Carsen. And, Carsen, this is Maggie.” The women shake hands and nod at each other. This introduction couldn’t get more awkward. It’s as if I’m in an alternate universe.

My wife is here now after being gone for over seven months without so much as a phone call. And she looks exactly the same. She’s even dressed up for a wedding in a blue dress with her strawberry blonde hair curled around her shoulders. Shouldn’t she look like she just came back from a war or something catastrophic? I thought if I ever saw her again that she’d look like she’d been lost and injured. What else would explain her behavior? Seeing her no worse for the wear stews up anger in my gut.

“What are you doing here, Maggie?” I ask, my tone cold and emotionless.

Her eyes widen and she takes a step back. “I was hoping we could talk.”

Turning my head away from Maggie, I take a calming breath. How dare she show up here and look surprised when I ask her what she’s doing. “This day is about Brae and Lettie. I can’t believe you’d come here and expect me to just go and talk.”

Tears start to form in Maggie’s eyes and her hand comes up the side of her neck. “Patrick, I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew you’d be here.”

Fuck. I don’t want to see her crying. It used to crush me, but tonight, it isn’t causing the same reaction. I don’t have patience for it.

“Patrick.” Carsen’s voice cuts through my haze of anger. “Why don’t you and Maggie go talk?” Her tone is soothing and takes my irritation down a notch. “I can get Maeve, drive her home, and put her to bed. Where are your keys?”

Pressing my lips together, I reach in my pocket and hand her my car key. “Did you drive here, Maggie?”

“I took an Uber,” Maggie says.

Carsen hands me my key back. “I can get a ride home. Why don’t you guys go ahead?”

“No, we’ll ride together. It’ll be fine,” I say, not really sure if anything is really going to be fine.

I’m on autopilot. Maggie leaves the reception and goes out to the car. The last thing I want to happen is to have any drama at my brother’s wedding. Maeve is still with my mother, so I go to them and take Maeve, telling my mom that we’re leaving and to let Brae know that we had to take off. She doesn’t ask questions which is a blessing because I don’t want to have to explain right now.

Once at the car, Carsen and Maeve get situated in the backseat and Maggie takes the passenger seat. Seeing her there brings back a flood of emotions. She was my co-pilot for most of my life. Fuck if my head isn’t a mess. The ride home is awkwardly silent and I’m all of a sudden anxious to get home so I can hear Maggie’s explanation. It’s all I’ve wanted for the last six months and it looks like I’m about to get it, so why do I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach?

We pull into the house and I grab Maeve’s car seat out of the backseat and bring her inside. Maggie and Carsen follow me. I pull my baby out of the seat and kiss her cheek; I don’t even let Maggie near her. Handing her to Carsen, I say, “Do you mind taking her upstairs and putting her to bed? I need some time.” I don’t even bother giving Maggie the choice. She hasn’t earned it yet.

Carsen looks up at me through her lashes, an unreadable expression on her face. “Of course. I’ve got her.”

I don’t have it in me to figure Carsen out at the moment. Just the basics. Maeve is taken care of so Maggie and I can talk.

Walking into my office, Maggie follows me in and I close the door behind us. My blood starts to boil as I look at the woman I devoted my life to. I want to scream at her and shake her and ask what the fuck is wrong with her. Clenching my fists at my sides, I take a long drawn-out breath hoping my heart rate will come down.

Coming up to me, Maggie tries to put her hands on me but I back away. “What are you doing?”

She folds her hands in front of her. There’s gooseflesh covering the pale skin of her arms and there’s something in her green eyes I’ve never seen before when she’s been with me. It’s fear. “I’m sorry,” she says just above a whisper.

“You’re sorry. Really? For what? Leaving me and making me think you were dead somewhere on the side of the road? For making me think that I did something so wrong and inexcusable that I didn’t even deserve a conversation, a fucking phone call? That it never occurred to you that it’d be a good idea to clue me—your husband—in on what’s going on with you? Are you sorry for any of that?” I move to stand behind my office chair so I have something to grip, to ground me here.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Patrick. I love you.”

“Just stop.” Anger bubbles up through me and it’s all of a sudden too damn much for me right now. I’m overloaded with emotion and I haven’t got a clue what to do with it all. “I need a minute. I should be ready to talk in the morning, but I can’t do it now. Sleep on the couch if you want to, or go. It doesn’t matter.” I leave my office and yank off my tie as I run up the stairs to Maeve’s room.

Carsen is just putting Maeve into her crib. My baby is tired and content. I bend down to kiss her goodnight. She’s my one perfect constant and I am forever grateful for her. I can only hope that the arrival of Maggie will be a positive in her life; we can only wait and see.

Carsen and I turn to leave Maeve’s room and we go into the hallway. Carsen’s eyes search mine, as if I know what I should say. I’m terrible at expressing myself in the best of situations and here we are now at the absolute worst.

“Are you okay?” she asks. Of course she’s concerned about me. Always thinking of herself last.

“I don’t know what the hell I am anymore,” I tell her and the tenderness in her expression makes me want to cry, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to let her see that.

Nodding, she breaks eye contact and hangs her head down. “If you need to talk…”

“No,” I cut her off. “I can’t talk right now.” My words have a sharp edge.

“What does this mean for us, Patrick?” Her voice is shaky and fat tears stream down her cheeks.

If only I was equipped to handle all of this. I’m really fucking not. It’s unbearable to see her crying in front of me, but I’m a weak man and all I can do is attempt to figure my own shit out before I can give anything to anyone. “I don’t know what this means, Carsen.” I run my thumb under her eye and ache for her, for us.

She straightens up and smoothes her dress down. “Got it. Goodnight.” And she turns and walks away toward her room. It doesn’t feel right. I want to yell to her to come to my room with me so I can hold her all night and fuck away all of the pain I’m feeling. But that wouldn’t be fair to her. I’m not going to use her to dampen my emotions. Instead, I go to my room and close the door behind me and turn the lock.

A fitful night of tossing and turning does nothing for my mood. It’s six a.m. and sleep still won’t take me. It was two a.m. when I got up and went for a run. An hour of pounding the pavement tamped down the rage marginally but when I got home and saw that Carsen’s car was gone, a new wave of frustration washed over me. She must have seen Maggie asleep on the couch and thought it was okay to leave Maeve alone with her, or maybe she didn’t know that I left the house. What did I expect after the way I treated her last night, for her to sit by and watch as Maggie and I hashed out our shit? No, I don’t blame her at all for leaving, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s amazing how quickly I was drawn to her and how fast our relationship escalated. I saw us together for the long haul. What a foolish man I am.

I go through the motions of the morning, get Maeve up, feed her, change her, and dress her for the day. Maggie was in the shower while I was taking care of our daughter, and it seems odd that she didn’t want to be a part of it since she’s been gone for six months. I drop Maeve off at my next door neighbor Tillie’s house and tell her I’ll be back soon to pick her up.

At home, Maggie is sitting in the kitchen looking at her phone and sipping coffee at the kitchen island. Her hair is wet, making the back of her cream colored top wet almost see through. Before she took off and left me, I’d come up behind her and put my arms around her waist and kiss her until we’d go upstairs and make love. There’ll be none of that today. “Are you ready to talk?” I ask, my tone neutral.

Swinging her head around to look at me, she nods, concern etched in her features. She moves to get up.

“No, stay there. I’ll get a cup of coffee and sit there with you.” I figure sitting will be less confrontational. Last night escalated fast, and I don’t want that to happen today. Opening the cupboard, I grab a mug, fill it, and sit on the barstool two down from Maggie.

“I’m sorry things got so out of hand last night. You caught me off guard and I wasn’t ready for it. Why don’t you start?” I say.

“You don’t need to apologize to me. I want you to know how very sorry I am. I know there aren’t enough words to formulate the right apology, but I regret everything.,” she says, unblinking, her emerald eyes, so much like Maeve’s, trained on me.

I take a sip of my coffee and wait for her to go on.

“The last thing I wanted was to hurt you, Patrick. I love you. More than anything.” Her voice starts to waver.

Wait. What? She loves me more than anything but yet she could still walk out on me. Breathe, Patrick, breathe. “You might see how ironic that sounds. Saying you love me but you left me anyway.”

Running her fingers through her wet hair, she shakes her head. “This isn’t coming out right.”

“Well, then, why don’t you start at the beginning? What the hell happened on the day you decided to walk out that door and never so much as leave me a note? Let’s start there.” I can’t help the bitterness that oozes off my words.

“Right. Of course,” she sighs, her chest rises and falls with it. “The day I left was the hardest day of my life, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice.”

There’s always a choice. What the hell did she do? “I don’t understand.”

Holding up her hand, she says, “Let me explain. This isn’t easy for me to say out loud, so please try and be patient with me.”

I give her a curt nod all the while my mind is reeling. Did she cheat on me? With who?

“After we had Maeve, I kept trying to feel something. For her.” She shivers and crosses her arms in front of her and rubs her shoulders. “I watched you fall in love with her and you glided into fatherhood effortlessly. It wasn’t like that for me.”

Thinking back to after Maeve was born, Maggie was tired more often, so I would feed her and change her. I loved taking care of our baby and didn’t think twice when she asked me to do dad duties. We were new parents adjusting to taking care of another life; we were busy as ever. Maybe I was on autopilot. “What was it like for you, Maggie?” This time my tone isn’t cold, just curious.

“You know, I have friends with babies and watched them bond. It seems like their hearts are full. That’s how you are. Not me. The maternal instinct didn’t kick in, and she was almost six months old. What the hell is wrong with me?” She lets out a sob and reaches across the island to get a napkin. She dabs at the corner of her eyes.

Damn. How did I miss this? I’ve never heard of a mother not bonding with her children. My brothers and I are the most important people in my mother’s life. She would do anything for her children. “I never noticed,” I admit.

She moves one stool over so there’s only one between us now. “It was all too much for me. And if I’m honest, I don’t like sharing you. There, I said it.” She looks me directly in the eye when she says this.

What does she want me to say about that? “We tried for so long to have her. Why even try if you didn’t want to be a mother?”

“Because you wanted kids so much. I thought I’d get used to the idea. And when I couldn’t do it anymore, I left you guys. I thought being away from her would make me miss her, but I didn’t.” There’s stress in her voice.

I give her an incredulous stare. “Oh my God. Then why did you come back here?”

Standing up, she comes over to me and lays her hands on my chest. “I missed you. So much.”

Rising up out of my seat, it squeaks across the hardwood, making a menacing noise similar to the thoughts in my head. “Don’t touch me.”

Her mouth falls open and she looks like I just slapped her in the face. “Wait. Don’t you still love me and want me? I want you.”

She’s such a narcissist. Backing away from her, I say, “How would that work out? We have Maeve now. She needs a mother. Are you saying you want me, but you don’t want to be her mom?”

Maggie’s eyes seem to be bulging out of her head and a tremor wracks her body.

What do I do? I want my family intact. Doesn’t Maeve deserve that? “Maggie.”

“Can we try again? You owe it to us,” she says.

“I owe it us? You lost the right to say that when you left me.”

“Did you find someone else?” she asks.

“This is crazy. You leave me and come back whenever the hell you please and think you have the right to question me?” I bite the words out.

“Please, Patrick. One more try, for me.” She’s wringing her hands in front of her and she’s fidgeting. I’ve never seen her act this way, on the edge of desperation.

“What about Maeve?”

Edging her way closer to me again, I don’t move this time. “We can figure it out,” she says. Her hands move up my shoulders, and she goes up on her toes and presses her lips to mine. It’s all wrong. When her tongue glides along mine, I wait to feel something, anything, but I don’t. It’d be easier if I did. Our family could be back together again. Or could it? It’s as if a giant light bulb goes off in my head.

Pulling away, I say, “I don’t think this is going to work out. Somewhere in the past six months, I fell out of love with you and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to come back.”

“Are you sure? We could work on it. I’ll do anything.” She’s sobbing now and I don’t want to make things worse, but she has to understand that I’m done.

“I’m sorry.” Walking to the tissue box, I get her a couple and hand them to her. “If one day you decide that you’d like to be a mom to Maeve, we can work that out. But now is time to let me go. I’m filing for divorce.”

Now I can only hope that Carsen will forgive me for acting like an idiot and take me back.