Carsen

“Want me to get you a glass of wine? I have a bottle of red open,” Lettie says as we make our way into her kitchen. She reached out to me today and invited me over. I guess she’s heard the news.

“That would be great, thanks,” I say and take a seat at her kitchen table.

Placing an almost full glass in front of me, she must know I need it. “You don’t look like you’ve been sleeping.” Lettie gives me a sad smile and takes the seat across from me, setting her wine down in front of her.

“I haven’t. What have you heard?”

“Only that Maggie is back. Patrick hasn’t returned Braeden’s calls. He only texted him and told him that he’s got everything covered and he’s working from home for a couple of days.” She reaches for my hand across the table and gives it a squeeze.

“When are you two leaving for your honeymoon?” I ask. I was surprised when she called and invited me over because I thought they would be gone by now.

Lettie takes a couple of healthy sips of wine and sets the glass in front of her. “Not until tomorrow morning. Braeden has been at the office trying to get everything squared away before we leave. But I’m done packing and am ready to go. I’ve got all day to chat.”

“Thank you so much for having me over. It’s been a rough two days,” I sigh and rub the tender flesh under my eyes, red and puffy from crying. “Did you see Maggie at all?”

“I never saw her at the reception, but Jackson did. He told Brae yesterday. We’re all in shock,” Lettie says. “I couldn’t help but think of you and how you must be handling it.”

Blinking rapidly, I do my best not to let the water works start up. “It hasn’t been easy for me. And when we were here last weekend for dinner, you read our body language and could tell that we had chemistry. It was crazy how quickly the two of us connected. It caught us both off guard.”

“I knew I wasn’t imagining it.” She smacks her hand down on the table. “I told Braeden and he was surprised; he didn’t really notice, but I knew.”

“You’re very perceptive because we were trying to keep it quiet since it was so new. After that night, we were inseparable with the exception of when Patrick was at work. Part of me knew I shouldn’t get attached to him or the baby. And playing house with a married man was just stupid. I’m such a silly girl.” My stomach sinks even thinking about Patrick and Maeve and how close I was to having them both in my life.

Lettie waves a finger in my direction. “No, no. Don’t do that. You can’t blame yourself for having feelings for them. And you and I both know that you and Patrick have chemistry, and you’re consenting adults. Why wouldn’t you explore that?”

The only answer I have is the woman that’s currently sleeping in the same bed as I did last week. It’s Maggie. If I’m honest with myself, her ghost was always there in the house with us, I just chose to ignore it. “When we talked about Maggie, I got the sense that he was finally getting over her. And when he took off his wedding band, I took that as a good sign. Was I wrong for moving forward with him?”

“No, you’ve got to stop doubting yourself. No one could have known that she was going to show up here. Tell me how it all went down. Don’t leave anything out.”

So I start from the moment I realized it was Maggie standing there in front of us and that my world was crumbling around me. And how he introduced me as Maeve’s nanny and not his girlfriend or lover. The awkward car ride home and how when I asked him where he saw him and me, he told me that he didn’t know. He looked so conflicted; it was written all over his face. Of course he’s going to want her back. Why wouldn’t he want to make it work and have his family back? “So I left in the middle of the night. When he never came to my room to see how I was or to talk it out, I packed up my things and took off. They needed privacy and me being there wasn’t good for anyone.” The tears run hot down my cheeks now and I do nothing to stop them.

Getting out of her chair to come sit next to me, Lettie wraps me up in a hug. “Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry.”

And she lets me cry. I don’t know how long, but when I pull back and wipe the back of my hand under my eyes, I say, “What do I do now?”

“Have you heard from him?” she asks.

“No. I texted him to tell him that he’d need to find another nanny, but I haven’t heard anything back. It’s been two days.” I sniff and wipe at my nose. I’m such a mess.

Walking out of the room, she returns in seconds with a box of tissues that she sets in front of me. “If I know anything about Patrick, it’s that he’s a thinker and he won’t do anything rash. Give him some time.”

“I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to wait. Part of me wants to apply to out-of-state schools just so I can get out of here. Maybe even move to New York with my brother.” Taking a tissue out of the box, I fold it up and dab my damp cheeks with it.

“Please don’t do anything rash. It’s clear that he cares about you. I can’t even imagine what’s going through his mind. Must’ve been like seeing a ghost,” she says, looking off in the distance.

“That’s exactly what he looked like when he saw her. I knew immediately that it was her, based on the pictures I’d seen and by Patrick’s reaction. He turned pale and his jaw hung open. I’m sure that’s how I looked, too.”

“I bet. What’s your plan now?” Lettie asks.

Great question. What can I do? I don’t even know what I want. A conversation is a good place to start. “Any advice? He hurt me when he shut me out. Maybe he isn’t the right man for me.”

“You guys need to talk to each other. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt. He’ll call you and you should pick up. I wish I could tell you what he’s going to say, but I have no idea. What I do know is that what I saw between the two of you was very real; he won’t be able to forget that,” Lettie says in a soothing tone. Even if Patrick and I don’t end up together, I’ll stay in touch with Scarlette. Since the day I met her, she’s been someone I’ve been comfortable confiding in.

“Thank you for having me over today. I’ve got quite a bit of thinking to do.” Standing to get up, I take a deep breath and smooth my hair back.

Lettie gets up and wraps me up in a long hug. “Stay in touch, okay?”

“Of course. Have a wonderful honeymoon. Please don’t worry about me while you’re gone.”

* * *

There’s a part of me that wants to show up at Patrick’s house unannounced and demand he let me in so that we can talk. Of course, it’s an absolutely ridiculous idea. I would never do that; I’ve got too much respect for him. That’s what stings the most. I care for him and Maeve and would never want to do anything that could possibly ruin their chances at getting their family back together even though it hurts like hell.

It’s been three long days without so much as a word from him. I’m back at my mother’s house, but she’s been working or sleeping since I got back. And Jake has a social life and a part-time job, so he’s been gone most of the time as well.

Looking for a new job has been disappointing. Trying to find a position that works with my school schedule is proving to be difficult, but I know something will turn up. To keep busy I’ve done some painting, mainly of Maeve because it makes me happy to recreate the pictures I took of her and think about the time we got to spend together.

I’m in the middle of painting a picture of Maeve with a single blade of grass in her hand and her strawberry blonde hair blowing in the breeze when a text alert goes off on my phone. Wiping my hands on my apron, I pick up the phone and see that it’s Cole telling me he’s sorry and hopes we can meet up. He hasn’t reached out since the night at Patrick’s house. A shiver runs down my spine at the memory of the encounter. I won’t be returning his text and it’d make me feel better if I got my number changed. Everything about Cole creeps me out now and since I don’t have Patrick around to protect me anymore, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. A trip to the mall is in order to get my number changed and I’m going to the sporting goods store to buy pepper spray. I don’t want to have to use it, but it’ll make me feel safer.

Washing out my paintbrushes, my cell phone rings. When I look at the caller ID, it’s Patrick’s number. My belly does a flip flop as I dry off my hands and pick up.

“Hello,” I say, my voice breathy from rushing to answer and a little bit of nerves.

“Hi, Carsen. Are you busy? If I’m bothering you, I can call back.”

“No, I was just finishing up a painting, but I’m done now.” I wish I didn’t sound so eager and excited. Hold a little back, Carsen. I don’t want it to sound like I’ve been waiting by the phone for him to call, but by the tone of my voice, that’s exactly how it sounded.

“Good. I was hoping that we could get together and talk. Do you have any free time today or tomorrow?” His tone is neutral; as usual, he gives nothing away.

My heart rate speeds up to an unnatural rate at the thought of getting together with him. I could go over there now, but he’s made me wait three days. He can wait a bit longer. “I’ve got plans this afternoon, but I could stop by later on. I’m not sure what time I’ll be free, but I can text you. Does that work?” I do my best at keeping the nerves out of my voice, but I’m not sure how well it worked.

“That’s fine. I’m working from home for now and I don’t have plans. Whenever you can, please stop by. I’d appreciate the chance to talk.” When he says the last part, I hear it, the slightest bit of warmth. I immediately grin because I’ve missed it these last few days.

“I’d like that, too. I’ll see you later.”

“Goodbye, Carsen.”

“Goodbye.” I hit the end button and hold the phone to my chest.

Not once did he mention Maggie and I doubt he’d invite me over if she was around. I shouldn’t speculate because that can lead to disappointment.

Taking my time, I change out of my painting clothes into shorts and a t-shirt and brush my hair out and put on a little makeup. I’d like to look nice for him and I’d rather he not see the dark circles and redness that rims my eyes from the crying and sleepless nights. I wonder if he’ll look at me like he used to before Maggie showed up. He always made me feel pretty with the way his eyes would drink me in. Shaking my head, I give myself a warning. You’ve got to stop thinking like this.

In my car on the way to the mall, I turn the radio on to the station I normally listen to, a mix of current and 2000s rock. There’s a good song playing so I sing along, a nice distraction for my reeling mind. In the mall parking lot, I drive around a few times trying to decide where to park. At one end, I’ll be closer to sporting goods but the phone store is at the other. I’m not sure which I want to deal with first. Hopefully the phone won’t be too much of a hassle. I’m not even sure if I can buy pepper spray. I think so. Maybe I should do more research on it. Screw it. Turning my car around, I head back in the direction of Patrick’s house. I can’t wait anymore.

The ten minute drive to his house is as nerve-wracking as my driver’s test. It’s difficult to focus on anything but the fact that I get to see Patrick today. I don’t know what I’ll be walking into. Is he going to tell me that he and Maggie are going to get back together and work on their marriage? I’ve been preparing myself for the disappointment of that reality. But what if he tells me he wants me? How would I respond to that? As much as I care for him and want to be with him, I’m not sure if my heart can handle it. If I let myself fall in love with him and he hurts me, how would I survive it? It’s been torture for the past three days, the pain in my chest.

My hands shake on the steering wheel as I pull into Patrick’s driveway. His truck is the only vehicle in the driveway.

Walking up to the door on unsteady legs, I knock before I lose my nerve. Anticipation and anxiety course through me and the emotions I’ve been feeling these past three days threaten to bubble over and spill out of me the second Patrick opens this door. A few shaky breaths later and I can hear his footfalls getting closer.

There he stands in front of me, just like the first time, tall, confident, and absolutely gorgeous. His hair, salt and pepper at the temples, gives him a distinguished look that draws me to him and begs to have my fingers through it. I don’t care that I’m staring, drinking him in, from his bare feet, his toned legs in gym shorts and a t-shirt, to the scruff along his jaw. I’ve missed him.

I put my guard up, compose myself, wipe my clammy hands on my shorts, and say, “Hi.”

“Hey, come in.” His tone is light and easy; he seems relaxed. Stepping aside, he lets me pass the threshold.

“Where is Maeve?” I ask.

“She’s napping. Just went down about ten minutes ago.”

“How are you?” I ask, my voice sounds formal and mechanical.

Patrick leads me into the living room and we sit together on the couch. The room looks different. There’s less décor. The lamp in the corner is missing, some knick-knacks along the mantel are gone, but the biggest change is the painting that once hung above the fireplace is gone and it’s been replaced with the painting that I did. It’s of Patrick, Maeve, and I at the dress shop. I snapped a selfie of us and it turned out so great I knew I had to paint it the second I took it. Don’t get your hopes up, Carsen. I’m speechless.

“I’ve been okay; it’s been a challenging few days for me. What about you?” he asks.

“I haven’t been doing well at all. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through,” I say, gazing into his sad blue eyes. His shoulders are slumped forward and the desire to hug him, show him comfort is overwhelming, but I can’t do that. I’ve got to keep my distance and my head on straight.

Nodding, he angles his body toward mine. “I’m sorry, Carsen, that you had to go through all of this with me. It’s been a mess.” He stares down at his hands clasped on his lap.

“Do you want to talk to me about it?”

“Yes. That’s why I asked you to come over. Let me start by saying that this isn’t easy for me. None of it. I never want to hurt anyone and I’m horrible with expressing emotions, so please bear with me.” He gives me a small smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes.

This is a struggle for him and I know it, but I need to hear it all, as ugly as it might be. “It’s okay. Take your time.”

He exhales a deep breath and his chest rises and falls. “Right. When Maggie showed up at the wedding, it was like the floor dropped out from under me. It threw me into a tailspin and I wasn’t prepared for it. I hated the way I treated you that night and I can’t apologize enough for it. And when I left to go out for a run in the middle of the night and saw that you were gone when I got back, I was miserable because I knew that everything between us could be ruined.” He moves his hand like he wants to touch me, but pauses and puts it back in his lap.

At least he’s apologizing; it’s a start.

“Okay, can you tell me what happened with Maggie?”

“The first night she was here, I couldn’t even talk to her because I was too angry. The next morning, I could have a conversation without blowing up even though it was hard. I never realized I was holding on to so much resentment until she was standing in front of me.” His brows knit together and his lips are pinched together in a tight line.

“I can’t imagine how hard it was for you,” I say, my tone sympathetic.

“For months, I thought I’d feel relief when I saw her, if I ever saw her again, but it wasn’t like that. And when she started explaining why she left I didn’t understand it, and I tried. You’re not going to believe it.” Shaking his head, he looks off in the distance with an unfocused gaze as if he’s still contemplating what Maggie told him.

“What did she say?”

Patrick grasps the back of his neck and gives it a squeeze. “She told me that after we had Maeve she didn’t feel maternal. Do you believe that? We tried for so long to have her and then when she was here, Maggie was jealous of the affection I had for our daughter and the fact that I was able to bond with Maeve in a way she couldn’t.”

Wow. I didn’t see that coming. “Oh, that is surprising. Do you think she has post-partum?”

“No, she didn’t mention that she was depressed. Only that she never felt maternal. I deduced that she’s a narcissist. And what was hardest to swallow was that she wanted me all to herself. How did she think that was going to work? It was bizarre. And looking back, she pointed out things that I didn’t pay much attention to because I was busy being a new dad, but I was the one who would get up with Maeve, and I’d change her, and rock her to sleep. I never minded any of it, I loved it.”

“Of course. You’re an amazing dad,” I say. He’s extremely attentive to Maeve. It baffles me that Maggie wasn’t. Even as her nanny, I’m drawn to her. She’s beautiful and an easy baby to love and care for, but I don’t pretend to understand what was going on with Maggie.

“Thank you. I wouldn’t have it any other way. And as Maggie was explaining her feelings, she told me that’s why she had to leave. She was hoping that the distance would make her miss the baby. Do you believe that?” It wasn’t a question and his voice rises. “After everything we went through, she decided to leave and go radio silent. It’s unbelievable. And she comes back and tells me that she didn’t miss Maeve, but she did miss me and wants me. Like we can go back to what we were.”

Shit. That’s what I thought was going to happen. That she’d come back and want what’s hers. “I don’t get it.”

Widening his eyes, he says, “Me either. She wants me back, but what about Maeve? Our daughter.”

“What did you tell her?” That’s the most important question. Where do things stand with them?

“You know, part of me contemplated it. What would it look like to live with a woman who doesn’t want to parent our daughter? Could I do it? And in the end, it was easy. There were no feelings left toward her. I had to tell her that I fell out of love with her.” There’s hurt in his eyes, but also there’s something else, relief maybe.

To tell his wife that he wasn’t in love with her must’ve been incredibly difficult. She had to have been heartbroken. “I’m sorry. It couldn’t have been easy.”

“It wasn’t. But I couldn’t fake it with her. What she did, it was too much to come back from. She let me down and hurt me too much. So for the last few days we’ve been working out details and moving her things out.” His puts his hand up, sweeping it around the room. “As you can probably tell, things are missing. They were hers.”

“You put up my painting,” I say with disbelief in my tone.

Leaning in toward me, he says, “It’s beautiful. You’re very talented. I hope you don’t mind. I saw it in your room.”

My chest heats up with his compliment and what it means that he hung up a picture of us. “Of course. I painted it for you.”

“Carsen, you mean a great deal to me. And I know that I acted like an idiot the night of the wedding. I was overwhelmed. Can you forgive me?” This time, he doesn’t hesitate to grab my hand.

Pulling back my hand, I say, “Patrick, I understand that you were in a bad place, but you’ve got no idea how much it hurt me. It was like you were dismissing me.”

He shakes his head and his face crumbles. “I’m so sorry for causing you pain. All I could think about for the last three days was you. I kept seeing your face and the look of disappointment there the last time we spoke. You’ll never know how much I hated myself for treating you that way, but I was lost at that moment and I couldn’t even see straight. All I wanted to do that night was come in your room and hold you and forget about the mess that waited for me, but that wouldn’t have been fair to you. I had to work through all of my shit.”

Oh, how different things would be if he didn’t push me away and had come to my room that night. My belly still flutters when he says it though. “Do you think you’re really through with it all?” I ask, knowing he’s just at the beginning of all the emotions he’s going to have to deal with. It’s going to be a long road to heal from this.

“The funny thing is that while it was difficult telling her things were over between us, I think it was harder when I didn’t know where she was or what I did to make her leave. I know I’ll still have to process things, but for now I feel better. Well, that is with the exception of you, Carsen.” He’s gazing at me with those beautiful eyes of his, full of regret. “Did I mess this up beyond repair?”

Did he? I’m not sure. I’d like to forgive and forget, but my heart is fragile and afraid. And what if I tell him that I want to try again and down the road he hurts me? It’ll be so much harder to get over then. Maybe I should focus on me. “I don’t know.”

A ghost of a smile appears on his lips. “It’s better than a no because the heart isn’t something you can turn on and off and you’re in here.” He puts his hand on his chest. “I missed you.”

My heart turns to mush in my chest. For a guy who says he’s bad at expressing his emotions, he’s certainly doing a good job now. “I missed you, too, but I’m so scared to jump back into a relationship, or whatever we were.”

“I get that. It’s normal for you to have fears, but what I’m telling you is that everything has changed.” The tone of his voice goes from serious to happy. “I want to know you better. We started out fast and furious. It was intense and I loved it and I don’t want to lose that, but now I’d like to start again without Maggie between us.”

It sounds perfect. Like everything I want, but it also sounds too good to be true. “What happens when things get hard? Will you shut down again because I can’t take it? I’m a communicator and need to have that back. Can you do that?”

When his hand comes to mine this time I let him grasp it, and heat instantly moves up my arm. “I don’t know, but I’d like to try. Can we do that?”

“This is a lot for me.” I still can’t process it all. Standing, I walk to the other side of the room to put a little distance between us and clear my head. “Maybe I should leave,” I say, even though I don’t want to.

Patrick is up and on his feet so fast I barely have time to register his proximity. “Please don’t go yet.” He grazes the skin of my arm with the tip of his finger, his touch waking up my senses. “I know I’m not the easiest person to understand but now that my life has some closure, it feels like I can start again.” Patrick holds my arms and turns me toward him. “What if you started off as my nanny again? What do you say we try that?”

It’d be so easy to slip back into this life with him, but I need to take it slow. I should focus on school and myself, but I do love Maeve and need the money. “I think I could do that, but I’m not moving in this time. Let’s go slow.”

“I’m going to hug you now.” He pulls me into his arms and squeezes me tight before I can object. “Thank you, Carsen. I’m going to prove to you that I can be a good man for you.”

In this embrace, my heart and my soul feel full and I know I made the right decision.