An entire week passed. I only stayed with Eddie twice, though I really wanted to stay more. My relationship with Maggie was also important, and I wanted to make sure she knew. Plus, it gave me time to think and really digest the memory I’d had. Not completely, of course, but enough I could put it into perspective some and not feel sick over it.
It would probably always be a struggle to remember that the past was just that—the past—and it couldn’t intrude upon the future unless I allowed it. I think coming to terms with the realization I could be haunted forever by things that happened to me—and there would be times it did intrude upon me—was the hardest to grasp.
And then there was the fear. The fear I would remember more. That the more those feelings of being violated and abused came back, the more I might be crippled. I was scared of that, scared my past had the ability to rob me of my future.
Don’t allow it.
It was sort of a mantra now, when I felt the stirring of panic deep inside my stomach. When it seemed hard to keep a grasp on reality and I felt myself slipping into some sort of foggy anxiety, I would breathe deep and tell myself I was in control.
Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. It was a process. I was coming to learn that’s what life was. A process. A series of highs and lows.
The light knock on the doors across the room made me smile. Like a giddy child, I threw the covers off and pranced across the room, my bare feet and legs blasted with the cool morning air.
Hopping from foot to foot, I opened the door so Eddie could slip inside.
He grinned at me, all dimples and white teeth, as he shut the door. “You look like a little rabbit.”
“It’s freezing this morning!”
He caught me around the waist with one arm and lifted. My legs went around his waist, and I cuddled into his neck. “How come you’re warm? You were just outside.”
“I’m always warm for you, baby,” he murmured.
Lifting my head, he stuck the tall cup beneath my nose. “Extra whip, just for my girl.”
The warmth seeped into my palm when I wrapped it around the cup, and he carried me back over to the bed. The blankets were still warm from my body, and my toes curled into the soft head and I sighed.
Eddie slid in beside me and pulled the covers up over our lower halves.
I sipped at the cocoa, enjoying the way the liquid heat slipped all the way down my throat and into my stomach.
Not staying with Eddie every night was something I didn’t like. But I did like when he snuck into my room early in the morning with a hot chocolate.
“How’s my girl?” he asked, stroking the side of my head.
I leaned over and kissed him.
“You taste like chocolate,” he murmured. I kissed him again, this time licking into his mouth, stroking our tongues together.
“I have something else for you,” he said when I pulled back.
“You do?”
Leaning sideways a little, he reached under him into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a white envelope that was folded in half.
“May I present to you,” he said with flourish, “your first paycheck.”
Excitement and pride sparked inside me. Pushing up, I folded my legs under me and balanced my drink in my lap. Carefully, I pulled the check out as though it were something precious and rare.
It kinda was. I’d never earned a paycheck before. Or had a job. Or money of my own.
The paper was long and rectangular, a light-blue shade. It looked professional and serious, and right there on the side was the amount with my name on it.
“This is all mine!” I exclaimed, bringing my hands down and nearly dumping hot chocolate all over us both.
“Whoa.” He chuckled. “How about I hold on to this?” He picked up the cup and set it aside. When he turned back, I was still marveling at the check, waiting for him to tell me it was just a dream. “It’s all yours.”
His confirmation lit my face with a smile. I felt so much pride in that moment, knowing I’d earned this money. That I could buy myself something that was all mine.
“Thank you,” I said.
His eyes softened. “Don’t thank me, sweetheart. You earned it. You stocked a lot of shelves and made polite conversation with curious townies.”
“I’ve never had any money before,” I said in awe.
A sad look passed behind his eyes, but then it was gone, and I was glad. This was a happy moment.
“I wish it was more. At least it’s better than minimum wage.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
He groaned and hooked his arm around me, pulling me close. “So innocent,” he murmured.
I was too happy to worry about whatever I didn’t understand. Instead, I squealed lightly and hugged him hard.
Jerking back, I looked at the check again. A thought occurred to me, and I frowned. “Oh,” I said, glancing up. “I don’t have a bank account. How will I cash this?”
“I got you,” Eddie said and again dove into his back pocket to produce another white, folded envelope.
I peeked inside and saw a stack of green bills. I gasped and looked up.
“Your pay’s under the table, at least until you have a full name and a bank account. The check isn’t cashable. I just printed it out so you could keep it. Remember your first pay.”
“What’s under the table mean?” I asked, slightly confused.
Eddie laughed. “It just means you don’t have to cash the check. That money is yours. Just take it.”
“I’m going to keep this,” I said, clutching the paper to my chest. “Thank you for giving it to me.”
“So what are you going to do with your first check?” he asked.
I wanted to go shopping. To get something for myself, to pick out a new outfit or two. “I’ll probably give some to Maggie, you know, to pay her back for all her generosity.” I thought a moment, realizing Eddie had done just as much for me. “And you, too.”
“You’re pretty amazing,” he said, leaning close to kiss me softly. “But forget it,” he added, his voice much firmer. “There’s no way in hell I’m taking any money from you, and I know Maggie will say the same.”
“But—”
“No buts,” he concluded.
I glanced down at the envelope in my hand. “Well, I have hospital bills.”
He groaned, forcing my chin up with his finger. “What do you want to do with it, Am?”
“Go shopping,” I whispered.
He laughed. Then laughed again.
I scowled. “What?”
“Spoken like a true girl.”
“Is there something wrong with shopping?” I demanded.
“Of course not.”
“It might be nice to pick out a few things for myself.”
His gaze was warm as it swept over my face. His thumb and forefinger tugged on the ends of my hair. “Get dressed. You can ride with me to the store and spend some time shopping on Main Street.”
“I have to work!” I declared.
He made a sound. “I’ll cover the store this morning. It’s just a couple hours. You can work this afternoon.”
“I don’t think most jobs are like that,” I pointed out. I was pretty sure I couldn’t just come and go as I pleased because I felt like buying new jeans.
“Guess you’re just lucky,” Eddie quipped.
I definitely couldn’t disagree.
After a kiss, I bounded off the bed to get dressed. I had shopping to do.
As excited as I was to shop, my nose had other ideas.
And apparently, I was ruled by my nose and stomach.
On my way to the shops, I was distracted, very decisively, by the sweet and buttery scent of monkey bread muffins and the other mouthwatering concoctions at Joline and Jeremy’s bakery.
Of their own accord, my feet stopped and turned. The bell on the door jingled as I entered. I drew in a deep breath of cinnamon-scented air.
Joline popped her head around the corner and saw me, her face lighting up. “Well, look who it is!” she exclaimed and stepped around. “Good morning, Amnesia!”
“Good morning,” I chimed, gazing into the glass case.
“Where’s your other half?” she asked.
“Working. I’m supposed to be shopping, but my nose led me here.”
She beamed. “Have you had breakfast?”
“Actually, no,” I said. “Just a hot chocolate.”
“Ah, yes.” She nodded. “Eddie has become quite a regular in here in the mornings, picking up your favorite drink.”
I smiled. I loved him. So much.
“Well…” Joline gestured toward the case. “Pick something! A girl’s gotta eat!”
She had a point. “Everything looks so delicious, but you know my favorite is the monkey bread muffin,” I said, glancing at the lone muffin.
“We had a big order for those this morning. Nearly cleaned out the case. I was just in the back, making another batch.”
“Oh?” I perked up. “Maggie’s been teaching me how to cook. Is baking much different?” I loved cooking. It was quickly becoming a favorite hobby of mine. It made me curious if I would enjoy baking just as much.
She smiled. “It’s a whole other ballgame.” Lifting a section of the counter, creating a path, she gestured to me. “Come on back and I’ll show you how it’s done.”
“Really?”
“Definitely. You can have a fresh from the oven muffin when we’re done.”
“I would love that,” I said, hurrying back. “I love to cook.”
“Well, you’re going to love baking, too,” she said, guiding me into the kitchen of the bakery.
It was like a whole new world back there. Large sacks of flour, mixers, ovens, and more filled the small space. There was a tall, long table with the most beautiful-colored counter Joline called marble. It was white with veins of dark grey running through it.
Jeremy appeared out of what looked like a stockroom, carrying a huge sack of flour over his shoulder, a white apron covering his chest.
“You got a coveted invite into the back?” he asked, raising his eyebrows when he saw us there. “Oh, ho-ho, that’s a high honor. Jo never lets anyone back here!”
“I let you back here, and you’re nothing but trouble!” she retorted.
He laughed. “That’s ‘cause you can’t carry these bags of flour.” As if to prove his point, he swung it down onto the end of the table, and a large white cloud puffed out around him.
I giggled.
“Men,” Joline muttered. “Jeremy, man the front. I’m about to put Amnesia here to work.”
“Well, kid, it was nice knowing ya,” he said, stopping beside me on his way out front. “Once she gets a hold of ya, you’ll never want to come back.” Then he laughed as if it were the funniest thing he heard and disappeared around the corner.
“Forgive him, hun. He’s clearly not as charming as your Eddie.”
My Eddie. I liked the sound of that.
“I think he’s great,” I told her.
“I heard that!” he yelled.
Joline rolled her eyes. “Now he’s going to have a big head for days.”
I smiled and took the apron she offered. “Better put this on. It’s about to get messy.”
Joline wasted no time getting back to work but at the same time bringing me right into it. Before I knew it, my hands were covered in dough, my face dusted with flour, and the intoxicating scent of sweets clung to my skin.
She played a radio while we worked. I had no idea what kind of music it was or who sang, but I loved it. The overall energy of the bakery was infectious. It was almost like getting lost in a good TV show; between the music, the company and the constant activity, there was no room for thought.
She taught me how to grease the muffin tins (hers were a little larger than most muffin pans sold at stores) so the monkey bread didn’t stick. She shared secrets, like putting the bread dough in a warm spot to help it rise better and keeping a damp towel draped over the top of the bowl to keep the top from drying out.
I learned measuring was much more important in baking than cooking. With Maggie, we were guided by taste—a pinch here, a spoonful there—but in baking, you had to be more precise.
We made two dozen monkey bread muffins. Half of them had apples and raisins; the other were just cinnamon. Both were buttery and sugary, making my mouth water before they even went into the oven.
As they were baking, she got out everything we needed for the glaze that would be drizzled overtop. After piling everything on the counter, Joline stepped back and just told me what to do, and I made it all myself.
“You’re really enjoying this,” she remarked as I was adding the simple ingredients into the bowl to whisk it together.
“Oh yes,” I practically gushed. My cheeks felt flushed from the warmth of the ovens and the happiness I felt. “This really has been so fun. Thank you so much for sharing this with me today.”
“You’re a fast learner. You should come back again. I can teach you even more. I’m usually stuck here with Jeremey, and sometimes he can just be an insufferable bore.”
I laughed.
“I heard that!” he yelled from the front.
“I wasn’t whispering!” Joline yelled back.
We both snickered as I began whisking the powdered sugar with the cream, turning it into a shiny, sweet concoction.
All of a sudden, I saw a cloud of white out of the corner of my eye, and Joline made a strangled sound.
I spun around as she was gasping and slapping at her apron. The action was only creating a larger cloud. “You didn’t!” she swore, staring straight past me. I spun again to see Jeremy standing just at the corner, his hand covered in flour.
“Who’s the insufferable bore now?”
“You threw flour at me!” Joline exclaimed.
“No one said she was the brightest of the bunch,” Jeremy told me, sly.
Joline gasped. I pressed my lips together as she darted past me and another cloud of white erupted. Fine white dust flew everywhere, floating through the air and grabbing at everything it touched.
When it cleared a little, we were left with the view of Jeremy standing at the center, his hair completely coated. His eyebrows, too.
I burst out laughing.
“Oh, you think that’s funny, do you?” he intoned, stepping forward. His hand went to the pocket of his apron.
I backed up, putting my hands out in surrender. “Oh no,” I said. “Not funny at all.”
He pulled his hand out, revealing a palm full of flour.
“You keep flour in your apron?” I asked, amused.
“You betcha,” he roared and flung it at me.
I shrieked and lunged back to avoid it, but of course I was too late. The powdery substance smacked me right below the chin. I felt it coat my neck and ends of my hair.
I gasped. Joline and I looked at each other, smiling wickedly.
“Oh shit,” Jeremy exclaimed.
We all lunged for the closest available flour and started flinging it at each other, everyone shrieking and exclaiming. The shrieks turned into laughter, and soon, the entire back room was filled with a white cloud.
The bell on the front door jangled, and the circus the three of us made halted almost instantly. Silence pressed in, and flour settled around us. The three of us looked from one to the other and then at the massive mess we’d made.
Pressing my lips together, I worried about how much extra work this would create.
But Joline and Jeremy started chuckling, which then turned into full-blown laughter. “You look like a snowman,” she told her husband, smacking him in the middle, creating more dust.
We dissolved into hysterics again.
“Hello?” a familiar voice called out.
“We have customers!” Joline hissed at Jeremy.
I rushed around the corner, knowing who was there. “Maggie?” I called out.
The second I appeared, Maggie’s mouth dropped open. “Amnesia!” she exclaimed. “What in the world happened to you?”
I glanced down at myself, then back up. “Joline was teaching me how to bake.”
“Well, honey, I hate to tell you, but it looks like you’re not very good.”
I burst out laughing, then noticed Maggie wasn’t alone. Slapping a hand over my mouth, all the joy I felt began dissolving into panic.
“Sadie,” I said, unable to keep the shock from my voice. “You’re here.”
Sadie stepped out from behind Maggie. She was dressed in a pair of jeans, yellow sneakers, and the hoodie Eddie gave her.
My stomach twisted uncomfortably.
This was the first time I’d seen her since the day she told me I was meant to be her replacement after our captor beat her so badly she almost died.
My throat suddenly felt very dry. As if I’d swallowed a pound of the flour.
“They released me from the hospital this morning,” Sadie said, glancing at my flour-covered attire. “We were on the way to see Eddie.”
I tried so hard not to be bothered by that.
I was. On all accounts.
“We thought we would stop in, get some coffee. See Joline and Jeremy.”
“Oh my goodness, is that Sadie?” Joline cried, coming out from the back. “Jeremy! Sadie is here!”
She rushed around me and swept Sadie into a hug. Jeremy was close behind her. They fawned all over her, talking and smiling. I was glad for it. I needed a few moments to compose myself. I hadn’t been expecting to see her here this morning. It threw me for a loop.
It was a jolt of reality in what started out as a pretty dreamy day.
Soon, the chatter calmed down and the pair retreated behind the counter to get some coffees and a few pastries for Maggie and Sadie.
The timer in the back went off. Joline perked up. “There’s our monkey bread, Amnesia. I’ll go pull it out. Then you can glaze it.”
Maggie came to my side, brushing the flour from my shoulders and hair.
I smiled. “We got a little carried away.”
“It’s nice to see you having such fun.”
“I got my first paycheck today,” I confided. “I’m supposed to be shopping.”
“The day is still young!”
My eyes drifted back to Sadie. She was taking a coffee from Jeremy and going to the nearby table to sit down.
“She’s coming home with me,” Maggie said, her voice hushed. “I would have told you, but I didn’t know she was being discharged until this morning.”
“It’s okay,” I said.
Maggie stared at me a heartbeat longer before nodding. “You have a good time today. I’ll get her all settled in.”
I nodded. Feeling her eyes, I turned my head, our stares colliding. She stared at me without blinking, her brown eyes holding something that made my toes squirm around inside my Adidas.
I wanted to run. To squeeze my eyes closed and forget she was there. I was afraid to remember. So afraid.
Instead, I stepped around Maggie and went to the table, dropping down in the seat across from her. “How are you, Sadie?”
“I’m good, Lily. It’s nice to be out of the hospital.”
My stomach dropped when she called me that. My hands grew clammy. I pushed it all back and focused on the current moment. I nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, I felt the same.”
“You live with Maggie, too?” she asked, taking a drink of her coffee.
I glanced at Maggie, who was at the register, handing Jeremy a few dollar bills. “Yes, since I got out of the hospital.”
“What about Eddie?” she questioned.
“The doctors all thought it was a better idea if I stayed with Maggie,” I explained.
She nodded, slow. “They told me the same thing.”
“You asked to live with Eddie?” The words came out before I could snatch them back.
“Of course,” she said, as if it should have been obvious. “We’re going to visit him right now at Loch General.”
I smiled, hoping it looked genuine. It frustrated me the way I felt when I was around her. I was uncomfortable. Awkward. Slightly intimidated… and a little bit jealous.
Okay. Fine. Maybe more than a little bit.
“I’m sure he’ll really like that,” I said, reaching out and putting my hand over hers. “He’s really happy you’re back. The whole town is.”
Her hair was long and shiny around her shoulders. It looked freshly washed and brushed. It made me think of how chopped up and uneven mine had been when I got out of the hospital.
Joline poked her head around the corner and called my name. I perked up, grateful for the interruption. “The glaze waits for no one!” she told me.
I chuckled beneath my breath and stood. “I’m helping Joline. I should go finish up.”
Sadie stared at me, focused. After a second, she blinked then nodded. “You didn’t come back to see me,” she said, mild accusation in her tone.
“I know,” I replied. “I’m sorry. I had a memory and it overwhelmed me. Scared me. I was afraid it would happen again.”
“You can’t pretend,” she said.
“What?”
“You can’t pretend it didn’t happen. It did. All of it.”
I felt my insides tremble. A fine tremor shook my fingers. I got up from the table. “I know it did,” I told her quietly. “I’m not pretending.”
Joline called my name again.
“Coming!” I answered. Then I looked back at Sadie. “I really have to go.”
“I’ll see you later,” Sadie said. “At home.”
Chills raced up and down my arms and legs, the back of my neck prickled with discomfort, and I practically ran into the back.
Sadie and I were roommates now.
Or should I say again?