Sailor
Sitting on the couch in my apartment, I kick off my pumps, put my feet on the coffee table, and stare up at the ceiling.
Rebecca…
Jake Callister told my grief exactly where to find me, and angry that I turned my back on it, it protested. Inside my mind, it’s marching in circles, the anguish from ten years ago spinning me out of control.
Unable to fight my thoughts and feelings, I’m forced to acknowledge the pain–the memories. Tears form and escape from the outer corners of my eyes.
“Damn, did the little monsters wear you out today?” my roommate and best friend, Carrie, asks. I didn’t hear her come out of her bedroom.
Walking around the couch, she clutches her hips, and once she eyes my tears, her buoyant balloon bursts, and her grin falls away before me.
“What happened? Did one of those shits bite you? Pee on you? Smear a booger on your arm?”
I can’t help but smile faintly at my ray of sunshine who refuses to cower behind dark clouds.
“Someone reminded me of my past. Someone other than my family.”
Coming right at me, she drops to her knees and grabs my hands. I can’t lower my head to look at her, but I know she’s staring at me with her rich blue eyes. Carrie’s the amazing friend I can always count on.
“Was it him?”
“God, no. I have no idea where he is, and I make sure to avoid any opportunity of finding out. That’s one great thing about my parents not wanting to mention the past. I never have to worry about them bringing him up.”
“What happened today?”
Lifting my head, I look at her. “One of my students, Maddie, has an uncle who knew Rebecca. I vaguely remember him. Anyway, I met him this afternoon, and it brought back the memories.”
Gravity allows more tears to fall, so I jerk my hands free to wipe them away. “It’s a big deal since I think I’ll be seeing him often. I don’t know Maddie’s family dynamics yet, but I have a feeling her mom’s not in the picture.
“I swear, Carrie, this guy was a magnet. I felt this pull to get to know him, yet I feared him at the same time. It was the strangest experience.” I shrug. “Maybe I only feared Jake because I knew he’d be a constant reminder of my sister.”
Sighing, Carrie takes the spot next to me on the couch. She sits sideways and tucks a leg under her butt. Since she’s in shorts, I notice how tanned she got over the summer, mainly while vacationing with her Hawaiian boyfriend.
She met Joshua online, and I thought she was freaking crazy to go to Honolulu to see him, so I insisted on crossing the ocean with her in case he was a serial killer. The guy was going to have to put an ax through me first to get to her.
Fortunately, he seemed like a great catch, so I kept my distance, giving them space, while enjoying some much-needed sunshine.
I’m happy for her, but how in the world they’re going to make their long-distance relationship work is beyond me.
“Look, Sailor. I’ve tried to be the best supportive friend, one who listens and doesn’t lecture, but I think it’s time to give you some advice, or let’s call it insight.”
Staring over at her, I scrunch my forehead.
“OK, this is a first. Let me hear it.”
“You need to confront your past. Stop hiding on the Lower East Side, and go see your parents. Work shit out with them. Also, you should return to the Hamptons. I had no idea how much you loved the ocean until I saw you on the beach in Hawaii.
“You talk about a magnet–that water was pulling you to it, but then I noticed how sad you were after you stood at its shore. You were so far inside your head.”
She slaps my thigh. “So, girlfriend … I think it’s time you confront your fears and past. You’re trying to outrun them, but it’s obviously not working. If it was, you’d be at happy hour, picking up men instead of crying on the sofa.”
“OK, but how do you propose I do that?”
“If this Jake guy seems interested, ask him out. Or, take a drive to your family’s country home, and sit by the water. I don’t know, but it’s time to do something.
“No fourteen or fifteen-year-old girl should have to endure what you did. That’s bad enough, but to let it ruin your whole life would be a greater crime.” Balling her hands into fists, Carrie stares off toward the window in our living room. “That guy better hope I never see him.”
I grab her hand. “Stop. Maybe there’s a logical explanation as to why he’s never contacted me. I mean, maybe he doesn’t even live in the state. What if he turned into a criminal or his psychotic father beat him to death? Honestly, I’m better off not knowing.”
“I disagree. He needs the wrath of this dynamic duo unleashed on him, but let’s start with baby steps. First, say hi to Jake the next time you see him at school, and then give your parents a call.”
“Maybe. I don’t know what I’d do without your cheeriness and positive attitude every day.”
Carrie’s eyes dart to the rug, and grasping a strand of her short brown hair, she drags it between her fingers, which I only ever see her do when she’s nervous.
“What’s up with you?”
“Nothing. Why?”
“There’s something, or you wouldn’t be abusing your hair.”
Touching her temples, she exhales.
“I didn’t want to tell you while you’re upset.”
“You might as well add a turd to the shit pile.”
“What is it with you and shit?”
“I told you. I’ve been a pile of it for a decade now.”
Carrie rolls her eyes. “You were a kid when all that happened.” She points her finger at me. “No more shit talk. OK, here goes… Joshua asked me to move to Honolulu and live with him, and I’m strongly considering it.”
“What? No. You barely know him.”
She frowns. “That’s not true. We talk constantly. Hell, Josh and I probably talk more than we would if we were in the same city. We’ve become really close.”
“It’s a huge life change, and Hawaii is so far from New York.”
“Yes, but it feels right. He’s the one, Sailor. I know it.”
“Wow.” I look at the floor as the tears form again.
“You can come visit me on your school breaks, and I’ll try to come home a couple of times a year, so if we plan it right, we might only have to go a few months without seeing each other. We can call, FaceTime and email.”
“It sounds like your ‘I’m strongly considering it’ is actually a definitive ‘yes.’ ”
“It’s not, and please don’t be mad at me.” She jumps over to me on the sofa and hugs my body from the side, squishing me between her arms. “Say it. Say you won’t be mad at me if I do this.”
“I won’t be mad. I’ll be sad and lonely, but that’s my issue to work through. I’ll be happy for you, Carrie, as long as you’re happy.”
Leaning my head against hers, I recall when we met on our first day of college at Harvard. I don’t believe I would’ve ever returned to the city if it weren’t for my attachment to my best friend.
Having grown up in Massachusetts, she’d always wanted to live in Manhattan, so she convinced me to return here once we graduated. I wasn’t about to let her leave me in Boston.
Having her by my side was worth returning to the city … to the memories. With life comes change, and I better prepare for it.