~Ava~
I’m not stupid. I know what it means to finally be invited over to his place. But there is no way I am going to let myself hope for anything more. Thor is probably unaware of what his invitation implies about our relationship and so I would just be setting myself up for disappointment if I begin to hope for something more. But the other night, like all of our nights together thus far, just keeps me yearning. I’m on a dangerous path, but I can't seem to gather enough will to escape.
For the first time, Thor didn't just wake up the next morning after spending the night, pull on his pants, and exit the front door. Instead, he woke me up with a very special gift. I can still feel my muscles shuddering at the memories of his tongue exploring the treasure between my thighs. And the way my hips worked to ride him to his own orgasm immediately after. My desire for him has only seemed to increase in our time together despite the many times we’ve already had sex.
“Ava…Ava!”
I lifted my head from the computer screen in my cubicle and found Mr. Durand looking down at me with a concerned frown.
“Sorry…I was just so focused-” Lies! “I didn't hear you come in.”
With another suspicious glance sent my way, he seemed to accede to my explanation and let it go. As long as I'm not woolgathering in one of his board meetings, why should he care? And don't bother saying he is my boss. I've got personal dilemmas here. I thought you'd be a bit more understanding.
“I just came to thank you again for your help the other day.”
I nodded with a smile. It really wasn't that big of a deal. I'm sure any other employee would have done the exact same thing. Probably more to get into the boss’s good graces than out of any true altruistic tendencies though. And no, I'm not being pessimistic in the slightest about my fellow colleagues! The people are cutthroat here.
“Are you up-to-date about the firm’s NEW launch plan.”
My eyes widened in excitement at where this conversation was possibly heading. The NEW plan proposed by Mr. Durand’s partner Slade-apparently, he hated going by his last name- was an initiative to help our more inexperienced companies gain a better foothold on their client base past the introductory period. Though the firm normally dealt with big name companies and organizations, this was our way of reaching out to the little guys. And for employees, it was also a way to get the partners to notice you. Everyone was scrounging to be a part of this new sector in our development.
“Yes, Mr. Durand. Of course! Everyone has been talking about it.”
Sensing my excitement, he gave me a smile and nodded his head. “Good, well I was hoping to offer you an opportunity to be one of the primary marketing liaisons for the clients that will be coming in through this program. Would you be interested?”
Oh my god, oh my god! Is this really happening? I must be dreaming. Holy shit!
“Holy shit!”
It occurred to me from the look of absolute shock on his face that I had verbalized my thoughts. Oh, someone please kill me now.
To appease my mortification, he supplied, “I’m happy to see you're excited about this. I'll take your response as a yes, then?”
“Yes, definitely. Thank you so much, Mr. Durand!”
After he left, I waited several minutes but could no longer contain my enthusiasm and almost ran to Evie to tell her the good news. I found her typing furiously on her computer before shutting it down and gathering her things.
“Where are you headed?”
She looked in surprise at my entrance and gave me a warm smile. Phew, at least it seems she is no longer infuriated by our conversation the other day. That's a good sign!
“Today is the big day!”
My eyes narrowed in suspicion. “...for?”
“Axel is going to do my tattoo today. If I’m being perfectly honest, I’m a bit nervous as to how I’m going to react with his hands on me.” She gave an exaggerated shudder.
I choked over my laughter, “What? Where exactly are you getting it, young lady?”
She rolled her eyes at my tone but then blushed slightly, “It won't be a tramp stamp so stop giving me that look! I want it on my hip. It’ll be small...nothing too big. But...Axel and I haven't...you know…”
My eyes nearly blew out of their sockets at that information. “What are you two waiting for? A sign from the stars saying, ‘you may fuck’?”
Evie pulled on her jacket and grabbed her purse. “No! Not all of us just jump into bed with the first guy that agrees to fuck us.”
Whoa...that was a low blow. I fell silent at her words, not knowing what to say. It wasn't common for Evie to throw shade like that, but I guess I was wrong about her being over our argument. Good to know what she actually thinks of me, I guess. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to know my best friend didn't think much of me.
“Hmph, well it's good to know what feelings you've been harboring towards me. ‘Cuz I hate fake people. Good luck with your tattoo.” I turned toward the door but then gave her one last quip, “And I hope Axel has a small dick!”
“Ava, wait!”
I ignored her as I began the trek back to my own office space. But I heard her rushed footsteps behind me the entire time. When I passed the public restroom, she was finally able to reach me and pull me into the private space. I know this is a common stereotype of women, but have you ever thought why we coalesce in the restroom? I mean, who wants to be talking with the smell of urine and shit masking the air, coated with a conglomeration of cheap perfume? Not me. But back to this one…
“Listen, Ava. I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. I just felt that you were judging me, and I didn't particularly like it.”
“I only asked a simple question. A well-founded one at that. You know, it wasn't too long ago you were bragging about your own one-night stand, Evie. What the hell! I finally start living a bit on the wild side too but because you're now intent on the white-picket fence, I'm a slut? Talk about setting women back fifty years! You're a hypocrite, Evie. And I don't have the time.”
She seemed frazzled as I stood yelling at her in the small space. We hadn't even bothered to see if anyone occupied any of the stalls, too overwhelmed by our emotions.
“God, you're right! Happy now? I am a hypocrite, but I don't need your judgment for choosing a guy that I actually want a future with! Just because you're not ready to settle down and stop all the sleeping around, doesn't mean I have to continue doing the same thing. I've grown as a person, Ava. And I'm done with the drunken nights and no-name dicks. I want something real. And I've finally found that. Sure, he's not the most conventional guy, and we may get side-eye from my Catholic parents, but...we’re actually getting pretty serious.”
I was frustrated with her, but also frustrated with myself. It was hard to admit, but maybe I hadn't come to accept Evie and Axel as a couple just yet. Evie and I had always battled singlehood together, and while I was still stuck in some sort of limbo, she was clearly moving on to a more promising future. A future I'm too afraid to desire for myself. Just look at me, I’m battling feelings for a man after promising to only sleep together. And my last real relationship ended because he couldn't see a future with me either. Boy, I sure know how to choose them, huh? It's okay, you can admit you’re beginning to pity me as much as Evie apparently does.
“It just feels weird...we seem to be going in two completely different directions. I guess, I'm so used to us being on the same playing field, it's difficult to consider how things are just...different.”
Evie sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “Different doesn't have to be a bad thing, does it? I mean it's not like we won't need each other anymore. Girl, you're the best friend I've ever had. So what if our lives are going in different directions? That doesn't change what we have-what we've always had. So...do you promise not to judge me as long as I promise not to judge you?”
I emphatically nodded my head. “I haven't had anyone to talk to! It's been the absolute worst.”
She smiled, “Well, you can tell me all about it while I get my first tattoo. So grab your purse, bitch.”
I returned her smile. It already felt great having my friend back. Even if she was forcing me to use my lunch break just to see her get a tattoo. The entire ride there, Evie couldn't stop talking about the design Axel had apparently created for her. It was going to be simple and small, considering she was still nervous about the permanent nature of the art. When we arrived at Thor’s tattoo parlor, it became even harder for me to ignore my own excitement. But while I was curious about how Evie’s first tat would turn out, my heart was racing more in anticipation of seeing him.
The place was just as I remembered it the night I stormed in and literally threw myself at him in a spark of rebellion. Now that I no longer held resentment towards him, I could more easily appreciate the parlor’s design and the artwork decorating the walls of the waiting room. It made me curious of his talent and which ones he had done...and maybe whether he would do one for me? Oh, I could just imagine the feel of his lean, strong fingers gliding across my skin. Whoever thought getting a tattoo could be a sexy experience? You’re right...I need to get over myself. No way in hell needles can ever be sexy. But if there was one man that could change that, it is Thor.
Evie and I approached the front counter, and I recognized the beautiful, young woman Thor had holed up in the bathroom at that one party. I disliked her immediately. But I could grudgingly appreciate the way her body fit into the black, netted crop top and leather pants. What the hell? Did I just step into a BDSM undercover club? Thor should talk to his employees about how to dress. Especially this broad.
Ever the chipper one, Evie smiled and greeted her, “Hello! I had an appointment with Axel today. It’s my first tattoo!”
The woman on the other side of the counter gave her a forced smile. “Hmm...good for you. Please wait here, and I’ll let him know you’ve arrived.”
It seemed nothing could break Evie’s mood because she just nodded agreeably and took her seat.
~Thor~
My day hadn’t been going well. I came to work and was greeted by a client who seemed incapable of following simple instructions. Deciding to use my break to catch up on some errands, I left the tattoo parlor to grab some snacks for the communal kitchen. I usually kept it in stock for everyone to partake in between client sessions. Designing and creating tattoos was an exhausting endeavor, requiring concentration and focus that often left you famished afterward. Unfortunately, there weren’t too many quick bites around us, so I tried to make up for it by buying food on the parlor’s dime.
While deciding between Doritos and Sun Chips- the world’s most difficult decision- a feeling of dread settled into my stomach. The hairs at the back of my neck stood up, but I quickly brushed it off. It must be the air conditioning. Must be on too strong. But as I continued exploring the aisles, I had to do a double-take when a flash of red, curly hair peeked from my peripheral vision. My heart immediately stuttered as I recognized the gold, copper color. A flicker of the cold and calculating hazel eyes that accompanied them went through my mind. I froze in the middle of the aisle, my hold loosening on the basket of food. It couldn’t have been her. There’s no way!
I tried to focus again on the list of groceries but a mixture of paranoia and curiosity was keeping me from returning to my initial task. Instead, I found my feet slowly backtracking, trying to get a glimpse of whoever it was. There was a need for certainty governing my movements. It felt as if I was moving through sand, torn between denial and curiosity. My palms were sweaty, and I chastised myself for allowing her to force a reaction from me. I should be numb still.
The woman certainly stood out from those around her, most of whom were dressed down in sweats and shirts stained with baby formula. Amongst them, in contrast, she epitomized the perfection most women tried so hard to achieve. Her hair, the warm and spicy hue a blend of red and golden blonde, hung across one shoulder, revealing the elegance of her long neck and porcelain skin. Dressed mostly in black, with leather pants, heels, and a bomber jacket, I could no longer deny the vision before me. Thankfully, I was able to peruse her without notice. She was searching through the cans of veggies. Probably still vegetarian.
I could remember the many nights she criticized my poor eating habits, harping on about the importance of staying lean and healthy into old age. How fat people were a waste of resources and inherently lazy. I know you envision me as the most self-centered and egotistical human being to ever exist, but believe it or not, she has me beat.
However, I could not deny how good she looked only a few feet away from me. But I was as unequally unprepared for the sudden feeling of rage that made me grip the basket harder. My body was no longer in shock or mourning, it was enraged. And unknowingly, I took a step closer to her.
How dare she even be here? Wasn’t Boston too low-class for her? Hadn’t she told me how the Upper-West side was the only place worth living? This place is mine! She has no business being here!
Before I could confront her however, I realized exactly what that would lead to. Could I even stand to speak to her again after everything? I shook my head with frustration and purposely went in the other direction. Deciding to cut my grocery trip short, I checked out and headed to my car as quickly as I could. But my decision seemed to have been all for naught as I heard my name being yelled. Fuck! I told you this day was sucking balls.
“Thor? Thor!”
I froze in the middle of the parking lot, frozen and undecided as to what to do next. The anger still rested beneath the surface and my pride made it difficult to admit how there was also fear. I had never imagined I would meet her again, and now she had the nerve to approach me.
“I know you hear me, Thor.”
I finally looked up and turned slightly. “Katherine.”
She stood before me with her hands on her hips, a stance I had once been very familiar with. It infuriated me how she stood in front of me without an ounce of a shame, almost as if I was the one who had done wrong.
“So you’re really going to be like that? I know you received my messages to you. Why didn’t you answer any of them? Why are you being so difficult about this?”
Listen woman, you should be happy I haven’t strangled you in this parking lot. But I didn't say that. Instead, “I really don't have time for this, Katherine. There’s no need for us to drudge up the past. Let’s just keep moving on in our different directions.” That’s what you had wanted anyways.
“Then make time for it!” She demanded, stepping closer to me. “I told you I’m still wearing it. Maybe things didn’t go well that day, but I want to explain. Give me a chance to explain.”
To my own horror, I found myself still standing there. Though my keys hung loosely in my hands, I hadn’t gone to my car and driven away from her. Instead, I was listening to her plead like an idiot. How can I even be curious about hearing her crappy explanation? There is nothing she can say that would make things better.
“What could you possibly say to explain away the last three years, Katherine? You can send me as many envelopes full of cryptic messages as you want, but at the end of the day, I’ve moved on with my life. I’m not the man you met in New York anymore. And I don’t plan on going back to that person.”
My words to her served multiple purposes. It was also a reminder to myself.
Before she could respond, I walked the rest of the way to my truck and slammed the door behind me. Fuck her. But it seemed that she had shaken me more than I was willing to admit. Without any memory of it, I found myself back at Edge. Putting my groceries away in the communal kitchen, I slammed the door of my office and hoped I could begin to control the tumultuous emotions still coursing through me before my next appointment. Can this day get any fucking worse? It was only a few hours ago that my mind had been swarming with thoughts and memories of Ava, but now it felt like my past was coming back to haunt me in the worst way. Envelopes and written messages were one thing…but to actually see her again?
Maybe this was a sign. I had completely forgotten my initial resolve in the whirlwind that had become Ava. What was I thinking developing feelings for her?
Unknown to me, Axel opened the door and stood hovering over me.
“Dude, what the fuck happened?”
I jumped, having had my head down on my desk, experiencing complete tunnel vision.
“Nothing,” I snapped.
“Well, if that doesn't tell me shit went down, I don’t know what does. Whatever it is, you better get that hateful glare off your face before you scare the customers away.”
Instead of responding, I sent a glare his way.
Axel shrugged. “Whatever, man. I can hear my girl coming in.” He turned back to the door but decided to turn back at the last minute and add, “Fix your face.”
I rolled my eyes at his command but inwardly tried to do exactly that. I could only imagine the current expression on my face. A mixture of disgust, pain, and shock. How else should I react to seeing her after so many years? After her sudden and cruel departure. Unwillingly, every memory I had of her, both the good and the bad, were running through my mind at lightning speed. I was reminded of the risk I had taken in being with her, and how my world had suddenly crashed on what should have been the happiest day of my life…
Suddenly I was standing there again, my hands clasped in front of me. Smiling. Waiting. And waiting.
My tortured thoughts were drawn away by a light knock at the door. Assuming it was Axel again, I sighed in exasperation and flung the door open.
“Listen, man…I need some space alright?”
My outburst was only met by a look of confusion from the last person I expected to see. Ava stood looking up at me with a tentative grin. My immediate reaction was relief. I didn’t know where it came from, but my heart raced in excitement at seeing her. I wanted her to be the one to listen to me rant and rave, to be the one who told me everything would be okay. But recognizing my initial reaction, I quickly suppressed it. Instead, my mind explored the tortured memories that were dredged up by seeing Katherine again. Ava always overwhelmed my thoughts since we began this ill-defined relationship: making love, our flirtation, the language of sarcasm that was our main form of communication with the world around us. It reminded me too much of my past. Where I went wrong was growing too comfortable with the people around me. Hadn’t I learned my lesson the first time? What the fuck is wrong with me that I am letting history repeat itself?
“What are you doing here?” I asked stiffly.
The grin, which had been tentative before, disappeared once she heard my tone. She eased into my office and gave me a playful shrug. It only increased my frustration and ire. Before she could give me a proper response, I continued,
“Look, I really don’t have time for this. You shouldn't even be here. Or did you forget I kicked you out the last time?” I knew I was coming down on her hard, but it was almost as if I was itching for a fight. It felt like an out-of-body experience as I watched the light from her eyes disappear. In its place, I was greeted with the same Ava I had briefly met at Axel’s party. The one filled with uncertainty. The bravado was gone, and I was able to get a look into the sensitivity she never wanted to show anyone.
She clearly struggled to respond to me, before finally saying meekly, “…what?”
“You heard me. What, are you now showing up to my place of work uninvited? You say you don’t need a reminder that this thing between us is just about sex, but from where I’m standing, it seems like you do.” Because I know I sure as hell need to remind myself of the same.
Just as quickly as it had appeared, the soft side of Ava was no more. There was a fire in her eyes as she bit back,
“What the hell is your problem?” Though there was definitely still the hardness I had come to expect with Ava, there was a distinct tremor. “Why are you being such an-”
“An asshole? It seems fitting when I’m dealing with a woman who sleeps around-” Whoa…where the fuck did that come from? I wasn’t speaking to Ava anymore, but I was speaking to a relic from my past. My realization was far too late to take the words back though.
Slap.
My jaw hardened at the force of her hand, but I did nothing but absorb the blow. I wanted her to fight me; I wanted her to yell and lash out until she left voluntarily. The familiar pain of betrayal ran through my veins, and there was no way I was going to allow myself to grow close to someone again. It was like I was experiencing déjà vu. The only person you can trust is yourself. Screw relationships. Screw whatever the fuck was happening between us, because it isn’t meant to last anyways. It’s best to just cut my losses now.
“Don’t you dare!” she forced through gritted teeth. “I don’t know what your problem is, but you need to fix it because I won’t stand here and have you insult me. You’re always doing this, Thor. Anytime we start to- I don’t know- actually feel something for each other, you throw a fit to set us right back where we were. What are you so scared of?”
I stood there in silence as she ranted, thinking over her words and recognizing the truth in them. While my resolve had been so strong before, intent on terminating whatever it was growing between us, I found myself faltering again. What the hell is wrong with me? Before I could respond, she continued, interrupting my chance.
“I haven’t really wanted to say it to you for fear even acknowledging it would make you run but…Thor we could obviously be so much more than just sex.” At this, I began to see a glint in her eyes. Tears. “Yes, the sex is great, but are you really going to stand there and throw me out as if we didn’t just have a great time together a few hours ago? I want the Thor who was with me last night, who finally opened up to me. Who woke me up and made love to me. Don’t think I didn’t notice. What we did this morning was not fucking.
“But if being with me in that way is so abhorrent to you, I’ll leave. It won't be the first time…” she briefly looked away, and it made me wonder the story she was keeping hidden. Truly, I had no right to even wonder about her past; it’s not like I had ever revealed my own.
A wave of deep and intrusive shame seemed to suffocate me within the silence that followed. I was at a loss for words and could hardly deal with the emotions swarming within me. I could partially acknowledge that what she said was true, and I recognized the desire in her voice as she spoke of us finally becoming something more. I was beginning to desire it myself, but how could I trust her? My mind kept racing back to someone else, and instead of Ava I was seeing a woman with long golden copper hair and seductive hazel eyes. And I was reliving the pain that had made me devote myself so much to my profession.
My silence said enough. And it was the worst way I could have hurt her. The tears were now free flowing, but Ava quickly wiped them away and held her head up high.
“Listen, Ava…” I tried to reach out to take her hand, but she stepped away.
“No, don’t touch me. I won’t ever let you touch me again because I’ve come to realize something about myself. I went into this thinking we could just sleep around because I hadn’t come to terms with my feelings for you. And when I did, I was too scared to acknowledge them because I knew they’d make you run. And while that’s exactly what you’re doing, I’m going to be the brave one and say that I’ve had enough. I’m worth more than just being a fuckbuddy, even if you can’t see that.” And then she left.
I stood there in her absence, going over in my head everything that had been said. It only took a moment for me to realize what I was feeling was more than just shame but loss. And it felt worse than even the thought of Katherine having abruptly come back into my life. With the image of Ava’s crestfallen face on my mind and the memories of her safely tucked back into my unconscious, I rushed from my office to catch up to Ava. Thankfully, I was able to hear her voice in Axel’s space.
I walked in and found her scrambling through the small workspace for her purse, haphazardly placed on a stool in the corner of the room.
“I’m going to head back to the office, Evie. I’m sorry, but something has come up, and I need to return. I’ll just catch an Uber.” It seemed only I could hear the tremor in her words and how her eyes avoided making contact with anyone else.
Evie sat on the chair in the middle of the room, a book of designs on her lap. She whined at Ava’s words. “What? You promised to be here with me. Isn’t this breaking some sort of girls’ code?”
“Not that I’m aware of, but I’ll make it up to you.”
“Oh!” Evie clapped her hands excitedly and pointed to Axel. “We’re going out tonight, you should come with us.”
“And be the third wheel? No, thank you,” she replied succinctly.
Evie tsked. “Fine!” she looked away from Ava, but unfortunately her eyes landed on me. Immediately, a mischievous smile spread across her features. Looking at me invitingly, “I know! Thor will come along. Won't you, Thor?”
At her invitation, Ava turned around quickly with a look of horror. “No!” she exclaimed.
“Oh, would you relax, Ava? It’s no secret you two are sleeping together. Plus, you owe me. Girl code.” Evie waved a hand at her friend dismissively and rolled her eyes.
Ava and I exchanged glances. Her eyes narrowed, almost trying to magically force me into declining the invitation.
With my eyes still locked in her gaze, I replied, “You know what? I think I need a night out. Thank you, Evie. I’d be happy to come.” I ignored the look of hatred that ventured my way. This was my chance to make things right.
“Great, it’s a double date!”