February 11, seven years ago

 

This was it, the last day I would be living here.  The next day, I was scheduled to leave at 2:30 p.m. on a plane to Chicago.  I knew I should be excited to be leaving to realize my dream, but I had a hard time feeling anything but regret.  I didn’t regret getting the call.  I regretted what I was leaving behind.

This past week?  Tough, to say the least.  Etta and I spent as much time together as we could, but with my packing and her schedule, it was difficult.  And it seemed she didn’t know how to act around me.  One minute she would be normal Etta, joking and laughing with me, the next she would be guarded and edgy but trying to hide it. 

What made it worse was when I came home earlier than I planned Tuesday night from my last night out with the boys, I found her on the couch crying.  It about ripped my heart out of my chest.  I dared not ask what was wrong; I simply pulled her in my lap and wrapped her in my arms where she fell asleep.  Instead of sleeping there, I boldly carried her to my bed and held her all night, watching her sleep.  We didn’t talk about it at all, but every night since, she fell asleep on the couch and I carried her to my bed, where we held on to each other all night.  I knew it would ruin sleeping for me. 

I could tell she had feelings for me, I just wasn’t sure how deep they ran. 

I could not go away without her knowing how I feel.

I could not go away without everyone knowing how I feel about her.

I had a plan, a grand romantic gesture, one which would be set in motion tonight.

If it happened as planned, she would finally know, and hopefully, she would be mine. 

Forever.

While she was in class and in the training room yesterday, I worked to set the whole thing up.  I called in so many favors, cashed in most of my savings and bought all the necessities.  I was putting it all on the line.  Tonight would either be the best night of my life or the most disappointing.  Since I asked most of our friends and family for the favors, they insisted that they be there to witness it, and I agreed.  However the more I thought about it, the more I worried that their presence would probably be a bad idea.  Etta was very private, but these were, for the most part, people she trusted.  Hopefully it wouldn’t backfire.

 

***

 

The karaoke bar where we had Jake’s birthday party wasn’t available, so I found a different one yesterday that would allow us to reserve the afternoon for my private party.  It was a little farther away than I wanted, but it was still packed with my friends, acquaintances and various others who came to wish me well.  My back stung from all the slapped-back bro hugs that all my way-too-drunk-too-early buddies kept giving me every time they would sing their “special” song, usually loudly and off key, to me.  I laughed when appropriate and feigned interest when necessary, but my heart wasn’t in it.  Why?  Etta wasn’t here yet. 

Beth assured me earlier today that she would have Etta here by 4:00 p.m.  It was almost 5:30 and still no sign of Etta.  I was getting increasingly anxious, and every few minutes, I would turn toward the door. 

“Relax,” Chris instructed.  “Beth just called me.  They’ll be here in a few minutes.”

“They were supposed to be here an hour ago,” I whispered.  “What is taking so long?”

“Beth said they… had some issues.  But they are almost here.”

“Yeah, but right now, time is essential.”  I looked down, hoping I didn’t give away that I meant I was losing my time with Etta.  So I quickly added, “We have to be out of here by seven.  That doesn’t leave much time.  And I can only take so much more of Luke’s version of ‘Friends in Low Places.’” 

Chris smiled around his beer bottle.  “Agreed.”  He took a drink and set down his bottle.  “Where’s Jake?  I thought he’d be here by now.”

“He got held up by some rainstorm when he picked up Emily in Austin.  They’ll be here later.”  I checked the door again.  “This’ll never work.  I’m not going to do it.”   I slammed my bottle down on the table.  “It’s a stupid plan.  She’s going to hate it.”  I stood up.  “I’m leaving.”

Chris grabbed my arm.  “You can’t leave this.  It’s for you, Dumbass.”  He narrowed his eyes.  “Sit.  Down.” 

I pulled my arm out of his hand.  “No.  I gotta get out of here.”

I practically ran toward the door, pushing past people who all tried to stop me and talk to me as I passed. 

Then she entered.

I stopped dead in my tracks. All my anger and fear dissipated. 

She looked more amazingly beautiful than I had ever seen her. 

I can’t remember what she was wearing; all I remember was that her hair was up in a loose bun with loose curls surrounding her face.  She had put on makeup, just enough to accentuate her eyes.  Her eyes, sinfully greenish-grey tonight, searched the room and landed on me.  I couldn’t help but openly gape at her.  She smiled shyly and lowered her head, but she didn’t take her eyes off of me.  The magnetic force that I felt whenever I was in her presence drew me to her, and I found myself in her space, close enough to breathe in her heavenliness. 

I wasn’t sure if we stood like that for a few seconds or minutes or hours, but finally, I realized neither one of us had spoken.  I reached down and grabbed her hand, threading her fingers through mine.

“Hi,” I breathed, releasing a breath.  I must have been holding it for a while because I felt a little light headed.  It might have been that way just from being close to her.

“Hey.”  She dropped her eyes to my chest.  “Sorry we’re late.”

I placed a finger under her chin to lift her eyes back to mine.  “It’s okay.”  I smiled.  “C’mon.  Chris and I have a table up front.  I want both my best friends by my side tonight.”

I led her through the crowd to our table and pulled out her chair for her.  Beth already sat in Chris’s lap and they continued to kiss their hello quite annoyingly.  I ordered drinks for the girls and two more beers for us guys.  It was going to be my second and last beer of the evening.  I needed to stay sober so I didn’t screw this up.

 I relaxed a little after she arrived.  My palms were still a tad sweaty and my heart raced, but I couldn’t guarantee that wasn’t simply because I was close to her.  It honestly could have been a little performance anxiety, but since I had never experienced it, I couldn’t be completely sure.

More of my friends sang songs, some to me, and some just because. 

The surprise of the night was Josh.  The guy who made fun of me since high school for singing in the musical got up and sang “Never Say Goodbye” by Bon Jovi.  He brought the fucking house down.  I was a little pissed, which morphed into impressed by the end of the song; that is until we watched him revel not so humbly in the adoration of his “fans.”

“So, you are going to sing, right Nathaniel?” Etta asked me, after the thunderous roar for Josh died down.

“I might have a song in mind,” I teased, leaning in close to her. 

“Good,” she smiled, pointing to the stage, “because that cocky son of a bitch needs to be taken down.”

God.  I.  Loved.  This.  Woman.

I got the call from Jacob I had been waiting for all night.  He was waiting for me in the hallway of the offices. 

“I’ll be back.  I need to go to the restroom before I sing.”  I leaned down and kissed Etta’s head.  “Don’t move, okay?”

She nodded her head before I walked away.

As I passed Emily, she hugged me quickly.

“Good luck, Nate.”  She kissed my cheek.

I looked back at the table to see Etta looking our direction.  I pulled away from Emily.  “Thanks.”  I leaned down to whisper,  “Don’t let her go anywhere.”

“On it,” she said as she walked to our table. 

She sat next to Etta, who didn’t seem to want to acknowledge Emily.  I watched their tense exchange briefly before I remembered where I was going. 

It was all about to go down.

“Took you long enough,” I said to Jake, grabbing the hanging bag from him.

“Sorry,” I swear he blushed.  “We had to pull over to let the rain pass.  Then I had a hard time getting the key to work in your door, and the rain followed us here, unfortunately.”

I locked myself in the office to change.  Luckily, buying a tuxedo last minute off the rack worked, but I didn’t think about the tie.  How the fuck do I tie a bow tie?  I never thought to ask.  Plus, shaking hands with sweaty palms don’t function well. 

I threw open the door.  “Jake!  Help!”

“I don’t know how to tie those things,” he admitted. 

“Well, find someone!”

I filled the inside pockets of my jacket with all the rest of the surprises I planned for the evening.  Checking the clock, it was 6:37.  Only twenty-three minutes left before the rest of the patrons would be welcome, and I felt my resolve wavering, questioning the stupidity of my plan one last time, before the door opened. 

Debbie, the owner of the bar, a short, slender, fifty-something woman with bleached blonde hair, enormous, to-her-chin boobs and fake-tanned skin burst in the room.  “Bow tie, huh?  Here, Hun,” she soothingly rasped, probably due to a former two-pack-a-day habit, former since she didn’t smell like cigarettes.  “Let me get that for you.” 

As I looked at her up close, I could tell that in her younger years, she was probably very attractive.  She was still pretty now, but under the harsh fluorescent lighting of the bright office and the subtle orange glow radiating from her cleavage, some might consider that holding on to her youth was sadly working against her.  However, I thought it oddly worked; it was part of her captivating charm.  When I called yesterday, I liked her instantly, and not just because she was more than willing to help me with my plan.  She was pretty friggin awesome, one of those people everyone couldn’t help but like, and she even made a few suggestions to make my plan more romantic. 

“There you go, Handsome.”  She smiled up at me and winked.  “All set.”  She turned me around by the elbow and guided me past Jake toward the door.  “Raul has your song cued up and ready to go after Miss Ho-My-God-Please-Stop-Singing is done.”  I laughed.  She was an oddly calming presence to me.  Once we got to the end of the hall, she faced me and straightened my tie and smoothed out my jacket.  “Now, you wait here for a minute while I set things in motion.”  She smiled again.  “Oh, she’s such a lucky girl!”

I watched her flit around the room, cuing the people to deliver the handwritten notes on small floral cards sealed in envelopes I provided to her.  Each person got up and moved toward Raul to pick up a rose, and then toward Etta, hopefully going in order.  I watched her reactions from the side of the stage as she opened and read each note.

Note number one:  For the first time I saw you. 

The first note made her tilt her head and lower her eyebrows in confusion.  She brought the rose to her nose and glanced around the room quickly, but the second rose and note came before she could see anyone.

Note two:  For easily being tricked into taping my ankle twice so I could flirt with you. 

This one made her cover her open mouth.  The third was delivered.

Note three:  For what should have been my kiss. 

She dropped her hand and furrowed her brow, but she smiled.  The fourth delivery came quickly. 

Note four:  For always sharing your ice cream. 

She shook her head and looked around, probably searching for me, but the fifth interrupted her search. 

Note five:  For helping me during Dad’s death. 

Her smile became sad and longing.  Cue the next delivery.

Note six:  For helping me pass my statistics class. 

She nodded her head and laughed and looked up for the number seven.

Note seven:  For breaking up with David. 

She smirked that sexy smirk and stared at the card for a few moments, seemingly wistful.  She broke her reverie to accept number eight.

Note eight:  For moving in with me. 

Her eyes shined, and she began blinking rapidly.  She turned to Emily, who smiled conspiratorially at her.  Before she could open her mouth, the ninth was handed to her.

Note nine:  For being the perfect roommate. 

She dropped her eyes momentarily.  I saw her mouth, what is he doing?  Josh actually handed her the tenth, which kind of pissed me off a little.

Note ten:  For dreaming. 

She blushed from her neck to her hairline.  She startled and turned the card face down on the table to accept the next one.

Note eleven:  For your amazingly beautiful and expressive eyes. 

I missed her reaction to this one because I moved on to the stage. 

Raul pointed to me, and the lights came up.  Etta’s mouth dropped.  I started to sing, waiting for the music to back me up before going further.  She recognized Otis Redding’s “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long.”   The reaction of the crowd to seeing me dressed up, singing a love song to Etta, would have been encouraging if I hadn’t been focused on what I felt was the perfect song to reflect my feelings.  Yeah, it was a song about begging a woman not to leave, but I slightly modified some of the lyrics to fit our situation.  Plus, I chose this song because it was also performed by Etta James, so it made it even more perfect.

Tears spilled over her cheeks, but her expression was not easily readable, since so many emotions played on her face at once.  I recognized shock, disbelief and confusion, but was that awe?  There were several others that flashed, then her mouth dropped again and her face seemed to go blank.  She watched me sing, mouth open, tears falling, for more than half the song.  I stepped off stage, kneeling in front of her on one knee, handing her my rose with my note, and was just about to sing the actual “I love you” lyric to her, when she stood up with such force, her chair crashed to the floor. 

No mistaking this emotion.  Anger.  She radiated complete and total ire.  She shook her head violently.  “No!  Don’t you dare,” she scornfully whispered, and she ran through the crowd. 

I handed Emily the microphone and chased after her, out the front door into the freezing, pouring rain. 

I searched the parking lot, listening for splashing footsteps.  I heard them come from about a hundred feet away and took off in that direction.  She had dropped her keys behind her car allowing me to catch up to her.  She quickly grabbed them and rounded the car in a flash to the driver’s side.  I caught her right wrist before she could unlock her door. 

Even with my hand locked around her wrist, she whipped her right elbow around so quickly, I stumbled backward, and luckily she narrowly missed connecting with my chin.  I caught a hold of her other wrist, and I used her momentum to back her up against her car, pinning her legs with mine so she couldn’t bring her knees up to do any damage. 

Her hair was soaked and dripping in her face.  Her makeup ran from her steely blue eyes, and she snarled at me.  Her hot breath steamed from her nose in the cold, wet air, making her look a little feral. 

“Let.  Go,” she growled through clenched teeth. 

I took a deep breath in an attempt to alleviate my welling anger.  “No.”  Her face fell slightly and her eyes darted away from mine.  For a brief moment, she showed fear, but I was too focused to remember why.  “Not until you tell me why you ran.”

She whipped her head back to mine defiantly.  “Let.  Me.  Go!” she roared, panic flashing in her anger. 

Guilt settled over me at the memory of her pinned against the wall in Doyle’s almost two years ago.  I dropped her hands and backed away.  She turned quickly and put her key in her car door. 

“Etta, don’t…”

She turned so fast, I ducked, afraid she would swing.  Instead, she thrust her finger in my chest. 

“Why tonight?  Huh?  Why?” she roared.  She looked down at her feet and shook her head.  “No!  You don’t get to do this to me, Nathaniel,” she spat out, backing me up. 

“But I was trying to tell you that I…”

“No!  You don’t.”  She shoved me, then raked her hands roughly through her hair, forgetting or not caring that it was up.  “You’re fucking leaving tomorrow!”  She yelled.  Throwing her hands up, she continued, walking toward me with what seemed like lethal intent, but her voice lowered do a dead calm.  “How do you think this looks, Nathaniel?  How did you think this would go?  Huh?  Did you think I would swoon in a puddle at your feet?  Declare my feelings?  Get me all softened up so you could have one last good night in Houston before you left to pursue your dream and leave me behind?”  She shook her head.  “No!  You can go fuck yourself,” she venomously declared, “because that won’t be happening.”  She stomped back to her car and finally unlocked her door.  She turned and faced me before she got in.  I saw her face soften momentarily before the icy-blue steel in her eyes returned.  “I will not be one of your conquests or one of your agreed-to, one-night arrangements.”

I moved forward, reaching for her.  “You aren’t, Etta.  I would never think of you like that.  But if you’ll just…”

She pulled away before I could touch her.  “There is no but, Nathaniel.”  She looked down at the ground before getting in, anger turning to sadness, which visibly enveloped her whole body.  “I’m sure you can find someone else to give you the sendoff you want.”

She slammed her door, backed out and squealed out of the parking lot.

I stood there, staring after the long-gone brake lights for an indefinite amount of time.  I felt hands pulling at me and didn’t struggle.  I allowed them to lead me wherever since my forever just drove away.

Next time I was truly aware of anything, I was in the office of the bar with barely a recollection of moving inside through the crowded room and changing back into my dry clothes.  My eyes focused on the clock above the desk.  It was after 7:30. 

“So,” Chris said softly, “are we going to find her or what?”

I looked around the room and found the concerned looks of Jacob, Emily and Chris awaiting my answer.  I ran my hands through my damp hair considering my options.  Chris saw the look on my face and shook his head.

“No, Nate.  You know you don’t want to leave things like this.”  I met his eyes. 

I stood and started pacing.  Chris was right.  I couldn’t leave things like this, but my emotions were all over the place.  I vacillated between angry, hopeful, hurt, and devastated.  All the negative feelings swirled around my head and settled in my chest, weighing heavy, threatening to crush my cracked heart. 

“Don’t, Nate,” Emily warned.  “She feels the same, I swear.  You just blindsided her.”  She laid her hand on my arm, tugging on me gently.  “She needs some time to process this, and once she does, she will see her mistake.”

Emily was right.  Etta’s reaction was fueled by her fear.  She couldn’t really think I would go through all this trouble just to try to get her in bed.  She knew me.  She had to know how much she meant to me.  Smiling slightly, I tried really hard to focus on the little ounce of hope I felt, playing the evening in my head again.  It all fit.

“Okay,” I said, nodding.  “Okay.  Chris, will you come with me?”

“Yeah.  Beth will stay at our place in case she shows up there.”

“Jake, can you and Emily go back to the apartment and call me if she comes home?  Tie her down if you have to, but don’t let her leave.”

They smiled at each other.  I think I saw Jake blush again.  “Sure, Nate.”

Chris and I took off together.  Luckily, it had stopped raining.  Between calling her cell and leaving messages, we drove everyplace I could think Etta might go.  My hope waned with every miss, that is until Beth called around midnight.  She just hung up from talking to Etta, who she convinced to go home.

Etta was home.

Fifteen minutes (and twelve thankfully unnoticed broken traffic laws) later, I burst through the door to our apartment, only to be disappointed by her absence. 

“You swear she never came home?” I asked, trying to hide my total desperation.

“No, she never did,” Emily answered.  Jake had a strange look on his face, but he nodded in agreement.

Emily’s cell rang, and she stepped into Etta’s room to answer it. 

“Fuck!” I paced again.  “Fine.”  I turned toward Jake.  “Jake, please take Em to her mom’s.  I’ll wait for Etta here.” 

 “You sure, Nate?  I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“I really don’t want her to come home to an audience.”  I smiled weakly at my brother and hugged him.  “Thanks, Jake, for everything tonight.  I’ll see you at Mom’s in the morning.”

Emily bolted out of Etta’s room with a panicked look on her face.  “I gotta go home, now.  Jake, can you take me?”

Panic rose in my chest.  “Is it Etta?” I asked Emily.

She shook her head.  “No,” she took a deep breath.  “Vanessa’s mother… accident… I gotta… Ness needs me.”

Jake hugged Em to calm her, then he gathered his and Emily’s things and they left, practically running to the car. 

I was alone.

I pulled the small box from my pocket, the one no one knew about but me.  The hinges creaked and I stared at the glittery promise I planned to make to the girl of my dreams.  I snapped it shut and settled on the couch, flipping through the channels to distract me.

I called her cell again, immediately greeted by voicemail. 

“Etta, I’m at home.  Beth said you’d be here, and I really want to see you.”  I sighed.  “I have to let you know how much you mean to me.”  I choked on the last word.  Clearing my throat, I continued.  “I really want to tell you something you should already know, Etta.  Please just…” I sighed again.  “Please just come home.” 

She never did.